Tryingtogetbetter Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Dear all in LS, I just wanted to come back here to share about my journey and progress, before i "graduate" from here. I am very appreciative of the support I've received in this forum and also, the stories and encouragement that has contributed to my healing... It has been 4.5 months after breakup and LC, and essentially 2months of NC with the XMM. The initial 1-2 months after the breakup was painful and very bad. I was almost on the verge of depression and cried almost everyday. Even up to a month ago, I was still very sad and wishing/hoping he will come back and missing him alot. Speaking to friends about it had also proven frustrating because most of them just wants me to pretend I am ok and move on. After a while, even your friends lose their patience with you and don't know what to say to you. And that was most certainly disheartening and contributed to the pain. I know that many of you are taking similar journeys and facing the same challenges. I know that you also felt stuck in your feelings towards the XMM and wanting so much to move on but can't. I want to share what contributed to my big leap forward in healing and coming to terms to the situation as it is: 1) Seeing a Clinical Pyschologist or therapist- I started to do so, 1 month ago, after feeling I've come to the end of the road. And it did help! Having a safe environment to share about your pain and a structured program to help you gain self awareness and understand your relationship patterns is the most critical step. It gave me the platform to accept my feelings and realise that alot of the pain I had now, was as a result of me and my own lack of boundaries and esteem. 2) Continuing on with having a full life- i persisted in working hard at work, working out, running and hanging out with friends, Spa and facials and massages...despite feeling down. 3) Coming to loveshack made me realise how many of us there are out there and that we are not alone! Another website that helped me was http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/. The topics posted spoke to me and was very enlightening to say the least. At this point, I must say I am now 70% better than what I was before , and on the road to recovery!MORE importantly, I know now that pursuing him was not going to give me happiness. Only I am capable of giving myself that. It also took away the rose tinted glasses I was wearing and made me see the men in my life (xmm and separated spouse) for what they really are. I was not interested to make any more excuses for their utterly selfish and bad behaviors. It made me realise I am NOT responsible for changing them or MAKING them love me more. If they do not treasure me, it is their choice and most certainly THEIR loss! I am responsible for myself and I can make sure I set limits and boundaries on other people's bad behaviors so that I do not get hurt. I know that if the XMM would to contact me at anytime, I am now much more able to stand my ground and won't be going on the roller coaster ride with him. If he had been so selfish, caring only about his own feeling and wellbeing, why should I be the idiot that continues to hold the door open for him? I also believe that one day he will feel WEARY of his altriustic decision to return to his family because of his kid and start to flip flop again.By then, it will be NONE of my problem! And trust me, if he ever tries to drag me down again, it will not be a nice story to tell;) For those of you who are still opening that door for the XMM to come back into your life, please make sure that the relationship is balanced and followed through with consistent ACTIONS that he cares about you. Otherwise, forget it and just continue working on yourself. Till then, I wish all of you well and stay focused on yourself and your well being!
Silly_Girl Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I am really really pleased for you. I know how very hard it is... You'd think that focusing on yourself and your own happiness should be the very most natural thing in the world - but it's hard!!! Best of luck
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