Sprig Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 So I've been dating this girl for about a month and a half now, things are going just great. We seem to want the same things in life (long term) and even talked about marriage, not that we're ready for that. Chemistry is definitely there, She adores me and I just adore her also. She just fits, if you know what I mean? The only thing that is really different is our financial situation. I have a career which pays pretty good but, she doesn't have a job. She has a few odd jobs that she does to get a few bucks, but maybe it's a couple hours a week. She is however looking for a job. My plan is to purchase a house in the next 1-3 years. As we are dating and I of course have the money I am the one who 95% of the time pays. Well as you can expect things are getting expensive. Dinner out tonight was just under $80. I saw her on Wednesday also and that was nearly $100 (dinner and tickets to a show) I also am the only one who has a vehicle, so I am the only making the 40 minute drive in to see her. I am just trying to figure out the best solution here, because I want to save as much as my extra money to put towards the house. However I don't want to come off as cheap. I know she isn't using me for my money, she has said she is just as happy being with me, but expenses do come up (lunch, movies, extra gas money..etc.) We're both in our early 30's What would you guys do? What I am thinking is budgeting for dating, like $75 for two weeks. Not that we have to use it up, it's just there when I pay for something.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 cooking my dear Sprig, cooking. Its delicious, and it brings a couple together, whether one of them cooks, or they both cook. AND its cheaper than weekly dinners. if youre doing all the driving, let her do all the cookin when you drive there. And I hope your gf has some kind of plan to get a trade or somethin, unless youre ready for her to leech off you for the rest of your days.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I think the budget is a great idea. And I agree that I'd pay attention to her attitude and actions in the career realm -- unless you want to support her financially.
musemaj11 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Men are fools ... I wont be surprised if this woman is dating you just so she can get free entertainments. The same thing is happening to my very best friend. His girlfriends insists on going out every weekend yet she insists on him paying all the time and he has to spend almost $100 every week even though he is only a 23 year old university student. Whats irritating is that he complains about it to me everytime we hang out yet he wont ditch her. As I said men are fools. I have lost faith in my fellow men. A woman who has no problem with you footing all her bills all the time is a woman who is going to have no problem running away with half of your possession in a divorce. How much she cares about your finance while dating reflects how much she is going to care about your finance in a marriage. Dont be stupid. Love not only with your heart, but also with your brain.
nelib Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 if the man and woman, make similar amount of money..then the man needs to pay for everything while they are dating....however, in a relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend)...they should be equals if both of them make the same amount of money. if the man makes considerably more than the woman, then he should pay for everything while dating and in a relationship. however, the kicker here is that she needs to 1. appreciate the fact that you pay for stuff and say thank you and not overlook it or think she is entitled to 2. she needs to do stuff to add to the relationship...a woman who really cares about you will want to make you dinner at her home sometimes and do things for you...even small things that don't cost a lot. it is the thought that counts. if she only takes and takes and does not give back...I would be very worried.
Anxiety Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Isn't this how it always is? Don't men always pay for everything? I even heard my exgf telling one of her friends she would never pay for a guy. Though she did buy me a milkshake from McDonalds once.
Professor X Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Some people here went a bit off topic. Don't hurry to judge the girl as if she's leeching. Anyway, to your question Sprig, as Eddie Edirol mentioned, cooking is an idea, but in my opinion it's just an example of what you should actually be doing and it's more indoor activities. I don't know where you are from, but here prices almost double during the weekend nights. So any indoor activity will reducing the costs by a lot, watching movies together that you/she downloaded, cooking, watching comedians, cleaning together, playing cards or board games. Other than that, you could be just honest with her and tell her you need to save up money to buy a house. I mean, why not just tell her that? it's not a bad thing, is it ?
MarlyStar Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I'll drive and you cook. I'll pick up the movie at Blockbuster or you order something on Netflix. You'll find out fast if she just likes hanging out with you or not. Is she working towards a career type job, has an education, etc... or is she just looking for work to fill in time until she gets married? Big difference.
lolo1234 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 if the man and woman, make similar amount of money..then the man needs to pay for everything while they are dating....however, in a relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend)...they should be equals if both of them make the same amount of money. if the man makes considerably more than the woman, then he should pay for everything while dating and in a relationship. however, the kicker here is that she needs to 1. appreciate the fact that you pay for stuff and say thank you and not overlook it or think she is entitled to 2. she needs to do stuff to add to the relationship...a woman who really cares about you will want to make you dinner at her home sometimes and do things for you...even small things that don't cost a lot. it is the thought that counts. if she only takes and takes and does not give back...I would be very worried. I completely agree with this. What does she offer you? How does she give to the relationship? You should have a talk wiht her about the budget you want to set. If she's an understanding person then she will be ok with it and will even want to help you out. She probably doesn't really add up how much you're spending each week and because you haven't said anything she probably thinks you can afford it and are happy doing it. not it does sound like you can afford it but if your goal is to save, then this situation isn't really working out for you. Now back to her... does she have anything going for her? Would you feel comfortable if she worked these odd jobs here and there forever? Does she have good prospects for getting full time work?
zengirl Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Yes, just start planning cheaper things. Do a budget if you want, though be careful that it doesn't come off . . . weird. (I don't think the idea is bad; it's more about how its presented, so it doesn't look defensive or make her feel guilty, if you don't intend to, which it seems you don't.) If you make more than her, I think it's fair you pay more; that's not a male/female thing----I've been on both sides of that equation (paying for more, paying for less). To insist she match your level would put unnecessary strain on things, but you shouldn't spend more than you can afford either. There's no reason dinner needs to cost $80. There are awesome places where I live for $7-12 a plate. Add a beer or two each and still under $50 with tip.
Author Sprig Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Thanks guys and gals! They are all very helpful and as much as anything I needed a sounding board. She is looking for a job, we have talked about her applying to a few places. But they are mostly just service industry jobs. Which is fine with me, it’s a start and she is not opposed to looking for bigger and better. I know for a fact that she does appreciate when we do go out and I pay. She has said that is happy doing whatever as long as we are together. Most of the expense is when we are doing simple cheap activities we are out most of the day and get hungry, hence eating out. I know that she will have no problem with us setting a budget When she has money she has bought dinner, bottle of wine, movie etc.. and I have said that since our financial situation is so vastly different I have said that I don’t mind paying as long as when she can kick in a little something
Cee Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Sprig, I think you are on a good path. Doing a budget is a sensible thing to do. And it will be good practice if the two of you settle down together. There's no need to splurge for expensive dates. Many romantic activities cost very little money. And the two of you can have fun discovering the free/low cost concerts, plays, and cultural events in your area.
carhill Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 What would you guys do?Budget sounds good. Watch for proactive actions which indicate value. For example, watch for her to suggest dates which fit her budget, even if cost is low or non-extant, like a walk in the park. She eats, so can make a simple, low-cost meal for the two of you. I happened to have been socialized by a SAHM who was more frugal with the family's money than my dad, who earned it all, ever was. She spent the family's money like it had been earned by the sweat of her brow. If a woman chooses to be supported, she needs to bring assets to the table to balance the health of the relationship. It today's world, if you proceed with such a woman to marriage, and your net worth at that time vastly outstrips hers, be sure to get a pre-nup. Right now, you're working and saving for your future. No one owns that but you. Never lose sight of that. Protect it. No one else ever will. Good luck
threebyfate Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Since the two of you aren't living together or married, I wouldn't discuss your financial situation with her. It's really none of her business. What I would recommend is to set up a budget but only discuss that you can't afford the pace of current spending (she doesn't need to know that the money is being saved). As far as going out and doing things that end up with you having to pay for lunch or dinner, you can plan around these types of activities by eating at home prior to the event or bringing prepared food. Just make sure she's doing her 50% of providing for the meals since it sounds like she's living at home (no job or barely one). As far as $75/2 weeks, that's a harsh budget. Peel back to $150/2 weeks to start off with and see how it works. Have you also considered long term whether you want a stay at home wife and mother, one who's financially dependent on you?
musemaj11 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 if the man and woman, make similar amount of money..then the man needs to pay for everything while they are dating....however, in a relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend)...they should be equals if both of them make the same amount of money. if the man makes considerably more than the woman, then he should pay for everything while dating and in a relationship. however, the kicker here is that she needs to 1. appreciate the fact that you pay for stuff and say thank you and not overlook it or think she is entitled to 2. she needs to do stuff to add to the relationship...a woman who really cares about you will want to make you dinner at her home sometimes and do things for you...even small things that don't cost a lot. it is the thought that counts. if she only takes and takes and does not give back...I would be very worried. Unless the woman is not equally as interested in building a relationship, why should the guy have to pay more in any stage of the relationship?
yah Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I think budgeting is a good idea. If you decide to let her in on the budget, hopefully she will try to find ways to make the dollar stretch. Are you OK with this one-sidedness in the long-term though?
Duckduckgoose Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Withdraw your funds and see how fast she gold digs off someone else J/k But make her pull her weight in the R. You might spend more money but she should be doing some things too like cooking, cleaning, nurturing you, etc.
alexlakeman Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Welcome to the club.. I first tried weeding out low income women by looking for degrees on the online profiles, but that weeds out a large percentage, and I have dated 2-3 women long terms that didn't have degrees and they weren't into the $, and actually shared expenses, so you never know.. At what point would you expect her to pay for a date? 2nd, 3rd? I've never had a woman pay for a date, except monthssssssssssssssssssss later when we are a couple.. but very rarely... The more I read about this method, the more I am interested in it, lol... hmm, oh wait a month ago a girl I went out with paid for our second date for dinner... she offered and didn't allow me to pay... she had NO degree and earned much less than I.. So use discretion if her income is way below yours.. My problem on that avenue is if I want to travel and expect her to pay her fare, she won't have the $ and I'm stuck traveling alone...for example..
musemaj11 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Withdraw your funds and see how fast she gold digs off someone else J/k But make her pull her weight in the R. You might spend more money but she should be doing some things too like cooking, cleaning, nurturing you, etc. Lol, I'm a big fan of your one line jokes. : )
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