Sudden breakup: what are my options?

[HurtandConfused77]

My ex and I were together for 7 years (I'm 34, she's 29) and engaged for about 4 years (we were waiting until school was over before the wedding). We had an amazing relationship. Our friends and family all saw us as the perfect couple. We never argued, rarely disagreed, and couldn't get enough of each other, even 6+ years into the relationship. She moved back with her parents 250 miles away to go to nursing school. During this time, she had continued to work-out and run, lost 50 lbs, and was extremely motivated to succeed. School was hard on her, but she did very well. I would see her every other weekend, but we didn't have any quality time during these visits, since she had to study the whole time.

 

While she was succeeding in school and losing weight, I got stuck in life. I wasn't losing the weight, I wasn't going back for my Masters like I said I would, and my career wasn't going as I had hoped. She was improving herself and her life, and I wasn't. During this last summer, my ex volunteered at a camp, and she met someone. He was fit, athletic, and driven: all the things I wasn't. She felt an attraction to him and he admitted an attraction to her, which made her uncomfortable. She stayed away from him for the rest of camp. It was at this time that she started to feel distant from me. And before anyone suggests she cheated, I can say that it is absolutely not in her character.

 

Once she graduated, in December she moved back with me. But then, my mom unexpectedly dies. I become withdrawn, and our relationship began to fade. We started to go to premarital counseling, and realized we weren't completely open with one another. My ex expressed some changes she'd like to see in me. The things she mentioned were minor, and I fixed them immediately. Some of the bigger changes she wanted, like having a running/active lifestyle partner, would take some time. We had more work to do.

 

We went to Seattle around New Years to look for work and places to live, and we were more friends than anything, although I was still in love with her. After finally spending some quality time together, the first time in months, she said she realized all she needed was time with me. We fell completely in love all over again, and we were stronger than ever. We continued our counseling, and our counselor noted how happy my ex was.

 

Once we got home, she focused on studying for her nursing certification exam. I took care of the cooking and cleaning, giving her more time to study. She told me how happy she was with the new us. But once she passed her exam and started looking for work, things went downhill. I lost my job and our house is in the middle of a remodel. The job hunt led only to rejection for her. During counseling, she said the most important things to her at the moment were paying off her debt, being financially stable, and feeling like she can stand on her own two feet. She became closed-off and angry (directing some of it towards me). After three weeks of this, she said she hasn't felt the same way about me in months, and she was leaving me. She moved back with her parents, canceled the wedding, and completely removed me from her life.

 

During these 5 weeks since she left, I started running and working out (my mom's death scared me, and gave me the kick in the butt I needed). I started feeling better about myself and started researching Masters programs and work on a plan for funding my education. I feel driven, assertive, and healthy: all the things she wanted in me, that I wasn't able to provide before. These changes are for me, and not for her. I've always had these goals, but didn't have the confidence to see them through.

 

She called me a few weeks after the separation. She told me that all of these months since summer, she was fooling herself in believing we could work. Our friends, our counselor, and I all saw a very happy woman (with a few moments aside) up until the last month of our relationship. She said she's angry with how things turned out, and some days she feels great, and others she wants to cry. Ultimately, she's at peace with her decision.

 

I saw her yesterday for this first time since she left. She saw a new me. She immediately noticed the weight loss, and I portrayed a confident and driven "me". When I was telling her of my progress, she looked at me with almost tears in her eyes. She said she was very happy for me. We had a good talk, joking around just like the old days. Afterward, we had a light conversation, and laughed and joked together.

 

She seemed a little depressed to me. During small talk, she was happy and smiling. When she talked about her job/life situation, she only focused on the negative. She feels stuck living back home. Her hunt for work seems to have slowed down. She says she doesn't want to meet new people. She said we were both in denial during the last few months of our relationship, even though I never expressed any problems with it.

 

For those of you still reading, thanks for sticking around. Now my dilemma is this: how should I maintain the contact with her? We're trying to be friends, but I still love her. She feels only friendship towards me. I think that the combination of not having any real time together along with life's frustrations are standing in the way between us. If I give her space, we won't have a way to have good quality time together. Also, I've done a 180 in my life, and I want her to see this. If I talk to her fairly often, I won't give her the chance to really miss me. Plus, she's 250 miles away. Any advice is greatly appreciated... Thank you all very much for your advice.

[manji123]

I read your whole story and you'll find that many people here will because we are all hurting in some way. Plus I guess it's true that misery loves company.

 

Seriously though you are doing all the right things and I'm happy for you and proud of you. I know that sounds odd coming from a stranger but working on you truly is the best thing you can do and obviously it has had an effect on her.

 

First just be sure. Ask yourself if you miss her or the relationship. Ask yourself, is this more about correcting your mistake or wanting her back?

 

But now for the actual problem at hand. How can you show her this and be around being 250 miiles away? I'm sorry but I really don't know. I know that you are supposed to do it for you so regardless if things work out or not you will be stronger because of it and better suited to face the world alone. But that is easier said than done.

 

I'm maybe giving you the wrong advice so I apologize if that's the case but here are my ideas.

 

Help her find a job. Be a friend and show that she can count on you.

 

Start a friendly competition like who ran more during the week. Give her a reason to think of you but it be positive plus it would show your drive and bring hers back.

 

Again I'm not the best at this but I hoped this helped. I truly do hope the best for you.

[HurtandConfused77]

Seriously though you are doing all the right things and I'm happy for you and proud of you. I know that sounds odd coming from a stranger but working on you truly is the best thing you can do and obviously it has had an effect on her.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, and no it doesn't sound odd coming from a stranger, it was great to hear it! Working on myself has been exactly what I needed, and I know she's happy to see me improve, both mentally and physically. I'm definitely not the man she left.

 

First just be sure. Ask yourself if you miss her or the relationship. Ask yourself, is this more about correcting your mistake or wanting her back?

 

Those are good questions, and I've asked myself them over and over. Truthfully, I miss her. Sure, I miss the relationship and the companionship, but at the end of the day, it's her I think about.

 

In regards to correcting my mistake or wanting her back, the changes I'm making are for me. These were goals of mine I put in place years ago, even before I met her. I just didn't do anything about these goals, because I had absolutely no self confidence. Well, now that I'm working towards one of my goals (getting in shape), I feel great about myself. I have a renewed sense of confidence, and a drive I've never felt before. Of course I want her back, but if she never comes back to me, I'll continue to do what I'm doing, and achieve the goals I've set for myself.

 

Help her find a job. Be a friend and show that she can count on you.

 

Normally that would be good advice, but I don't think that will work for her. She wants to be independent more than anything, to feel like an adult. All her life she's been relying on other people for help, and she wants to prove to herself that she's capable of doing things on her own. If anything, she can count on my to leave her to her own devices.

 

Start a friendly competition like who ran more during the week. Give her a reason to think of you but it be positive plus it would show your drive and bring hers back.

 

Honestly, this is one of the best suggestions I've heard. She loves running, and is very competitive. She has been pushing me to take care of myself, especially through running, and I never made the leap. Running is very important to her, and she really wanted me as a running partner. Starting a friendly competition is an awesome idea. I'll give it a little more time, and then hit her up with a challenge. Thanks again!

 

Again I'm not the best at this but I hoped this helped. I truly do hope the best for you.

 

You did great. This is exactly why I join these forums, to get advice from people who are removed from my situation, but who may have experienced something like it. Thank you for your post!

[manji123]

No problem, that's why we are all here. I just joined at the beginning of this week and it really has helped me, both by hearing advice and giving it. I find that sometimes when I give advice it also clicks in my head.

 

It's hard; it really is and I'm sorry this has happened. You are doing the right thing and if she is smart, she'll realize what she is missing out on.

[HurtandConfused77]

Ok, another update. A mutual friend called to say hi, and mentioned she saw my ex for lunch today. My ex apparently talked only about herself, and didn't mention anyone else, or ask any questions about anyone. Even our friend, who recently became pregnant, her husband is recovering from shoulder surgery, and they're shopping for their first house, didn't get asked any questions. Evidently, my ex went out partying last night and danced/drank with other guys. I'm not too surprised, I'm assuming she misses the attention, and is acting like many of those I know who've just left a long term relationship.

 

Our friend also told me that she didn't get the impression that my ex is thinking about me at all; she's too focused on herself right now. Our friend said that she doesn't feel that my ex cares to see me at all this weekend. However, my ex texted me a short while ago, asking if we could meet for lunch tomorrow. I was pretty surprised. I replied that I already had plans (I really don't), and she said "K, maybe next time." I'm assuming she's still planning on picking up a plant she left in my yard, and I told her she can come by anytime to pick it up. I've decided that I won't be here when she comes by, I think it's still too soon to see her.

 

Now here's what is really puzzling. My ex was going to make a trip to the Shane Co. (a jewelry store). I bought her engagement ring and we bought our wedding rings from there over 5 years ago. When she moved out, she asked if she could keep her engagement ring (two Tahitian pearls with many small diamonds, not your typical engagement ring). She loves the ring, and I told her it was a gift, so she could keep it. However, we kept each others wedding rings. So, why would she go to the Shane Co.? I don't think that she's trying to return my wedding ring, since she bought it so long ago. She used to make trips to the Shane Co. to get her engagement ring cleaned, but she wouldn't be wearing the engagement ring, so why have it cleaned? She doesn't have any money, so she's not shopping for new jewelry. Was she trying to get the value of my ring to sell it (but she should know how much she paid for it)? Any thoughts?

 

Going from not contacting me at all to suddenly inviting me back to be a friend on Facebook, followed 2 days later by "let's get together for lunch", and now a trip to the Shane Co... I'm so confused.