Woman In Blue Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 If you find something that your spouses is hiding from you and they turn it around on you by saying you shouldn’t be snooping, explain to them that they are the one who did the wrong thing. Tell them that if they where behaving themselves you wouldn’t have to snoop. Well golly, thanks so much, Captian OBVIOUS. No one EVER thought of THAT response. Go sell your e-crap elsewhere.
Mimolicious Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I was looking for a picture for my kid's class on H's computer and couldn't find one, so did a search and suddenly this whole secret file of pictures of HER came up. It was an emotional affair (as far as I know) and he was in love with her for 2 years, so I thought, but clearly those feelings are still there. I started to shake and cry and my hands went numb and I had trouble breathing. I had seriosly believed it was over. I've been doing so well, but all the pain has come rushing back. I FEEL SO HEARTBROKEN AND SO STUPID. I am freaking out, this hurts so much. WTH??!! I spoke to him on the phone (he is away on business) and he said he was sorry that I found the pictures, and that's what I get for snooping (!!!!). That was so mean. He's so angry at me. Reversed psychology. Those are the worst! Will definitely fack your head up dealing with someone this dismissive. Trust me, I know! Not even worth your health, of course, unless you want xanax and celexa to be part of your daily diet. He has no reason to be angry at YOU. Take control and make it clear that he is wrong. I know that pain and heartbreaks impair someone's ability to see things for what they really are. Don't let him push you around like this. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I know the feeling all too well, hone. I think your H has very little conscience and doesn't really care if he has hurt you, at this point. Sorry, but that's what I get from his response. Sounds very selfish. I am only telling you this because I have gone through this before. I got the same behavior in return. Honestly, rethink why you're still with this guy. You may be wasting your time...
Mimolicious Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Typical blameshifting bull**** from a cheater. Mine told me recently that I "allowed" his behaviour because even though he told me that it stopped for a year I shouldn't have believed him because he had that type of pattern. Ha! Classic! I divorced your H then! I got the same bullshyte once upon a time.
Mimolicious Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Should I delete the photos off of his computer? I saved them on a flash and onto my computer. The pictures aren't graphic - just tons and tons of photographs of this woman taken by my husband who obviously adores/adored her. NOOOO! Don't delete them. You may need those if you want to file for divorce. For real, if I was you I will post them up all over the place and on his Facebook (if he has one) and humiliate the shyte out of him. Then dump his a$$. JK! (No I am not) I hardly think that this M is going to really work.
Author PollyIvy Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Oh man, I feel nervous and SICK. He's gonna be home in an hour or two... I already called a few friends, so I may just go out and avoid him. I'm afraid he's gonna be super-angry at me for finding his secret photos and I just can't handle that right now. He's such a LIAR LIAR LIAR
DNU1 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Divorce the scum. Copy all the pics to a jump drive, take them to your parents for safe keeping...snoop his computer, phone, everything you can...and just sit back and watch. And talk to an attorney as soon as possible. Get your ducks lined up BEFORE you drop the divorce bomb on him. And yes, divorce him.
freestyle Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Oh man, I feel nervous and SICK. He's gonna be home in an hour or two... I already called a few friends, so I may just go out and avoid him. I'm afraid he's gonna be super-angry at me for finding his secret photos and I just can't handle that right now. He's such a LIAR LIAR LIAR Wait HE'S going to be angry at YOU?!?!?!?! Please don't let him manipulate you into feeling guilty. YOU are the one with every right to be angry right now.Furious even. He forfeited his right to privacy when he committed a HUGE breach of trust. The onus is now on him to provide transparency--he has NO right to be angry with you. It's time for a major 180, if you still wish to salvage your marriage.HE needs to come crawling to you, begging your forgiveness, and volunteering transparency---it's the only way to rebuild trust. I know you're feeling sick and hurt right now (been there, done that) but try to tap into your inner strength, and harness your righteous anger.....That kind of anger can be very healthy, you just need to keep a firm grip on the reigns, so it doesn't get out of control. You can do it. ...otherwise you're going to get walked on..which will leave you feeling even worse.
Author PollyIvy Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Wait HE'S going to be angry at YOU?!?!?!?! Please don't let him manipulate you into feeling guilty. YOU are the one with every right to be angry right now.Furious even. He forfeited his right to privacy when he committed a HUGE breach of trust. The onus is now on him to provide transparency--he has NO right to be angry with you. It's time for a major 180, if you still wish to salvage your marriage.HE needs to come crawling to you, begging your forgiveness, and volunteering transparency---it's the only way to rebuild trust. I know you're feeling sick and hurt right now (been there, done that) but try to tap into your inner strength, and harness your righteous anger.....That kind of anger can be very healthy, you just need to keep a firm grip on the reigns, so it doesn't get out of control. You can do it. ...otherwise you're going to get walked on..which will leave you feeling even worse. Thank you so much, Freestyle. I *just* flipped out and now I feel guilty and stupid and horrible. I just realized that I can't stand having him here. All he does is shout at home, so I went to his office and told him I wanted him out. We are moving in 3 weeks, so of course I am being 'irrational'. I didn't make a big scene, but I did make a little one. And that's one thing I can NEVER do - embarrass him at work. And i 've just done it. He's gonna hate me forever now. I've been doing the 180 for 5 weeks perfectly. And I just threw it all away....
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Thank you so much, Freestyle. I *just* flipped out and now I feel guilty and stupid and horrible. I just realized that I can't stand having him here. All he does is shout at home, so I went to his office and told him I wanted him out. We are moving in 3 weeks, so of course I am being 'irrational'. I didn't make a big scene, but I did make a little one. And that's one thing I can NEVER do - embarrass him at work. And i 've just done it. He's gonna hate me forever now. I've been doing the 180 for 5 weeks perfectly. And I just threw it all away.... No you didn't. He threw it away..A long time ago..It just took you a little longer to catch up and realize this. HE created this, NOT you! Remember that! And, who cares if you made a scene at work. He's acting like a jerk and you called him on it. So, let him sulk, and try to focus on yourself. Call a friend to come over so you aren't alone.
jacktores69 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Well ,let me say that is, it is was messed up for him to have those pics in the first place. You sound like your a good wife and maybe a good mother to, I dont know if you have kids. But, on the other hand......it may seem kind of funny but, we all have secrets and if you go on someones stuff........well......you may find something your not suppose to. By all means, that does not give him the right to have an emotional affair on you, IF this is what it is. I bet it was more than just an emotional affair to. For us men, we cant have an emotional affair it has to be physical, Im not calling him a lier iether, maybe it is. You have no proof, so please dont go accusing him of such but, he shouldnt be doing what he is doing? if its just that...it will be for now and later on it WILL get physical. Take care of it now befire it does get physical. I made that mistake with my wife and it got out of hand and she was involved with guy from our church for 6 months and even got pregnant. We are still together because I have a heart and fell like a complete IDIOT but, I have two kids that I want to grow up with a mother and father, tis difficult. I looked at her today and I got SO ANGRY and I didnt say to much to her today. ITs been 4 months now and its still like it was yesterday that this happenned to me. ITs a long road to recovery to. Anyways, not to bog you down with my problems. Take care of this before it get physical ok? you'll be sorry in the end if you dont. I didnt do it becasue I trusted her, BIG MISTAKE ON MY PART and it got out of hand, now I wish I did. It would have saved me a whole lot of depression, anger, frustration. Thanks for listenning, good luck to you. I was looking for a picture for my kid's class on H's computer and couldn't find one, so did a search and suddenly this whole secret file of pictures of HER came up. It was an emotional affair (as far as I know) and he was in love with her for 2 years, so I thought, but clearly those feelings are still there. I started to shake and cry and my hands went numb and I had trouble breathing. I had seriosly believed it was over. I've been doing so well, but all the pain has come rushing back. I FEEL SO HEARTBROKEN AND SO STUPID. I am freaking out, this hurts so much. WTH??!! I spoke to him on the phone (he is away on business) and he said he was sorry that I found the pictures, and that's what I get for snooping (!!!!). That was so mean. He's so angry at me.
Author PollyIvy Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 No you didn't. He threw it away..A long time ago..It just took you a little longer to catch up and realize this. HE created this, NOT you! Remember that! And, who cares if you made a scene at work. He's acting like a jerk and you called him on it. So, let him sulk, and try to focus on yourself. Call a friend to come over so you aren't alone. Who cares if I made a scene at his work? HE does. I've just given him the perfect excuse to indulge in massive amounts of withering contempt. but you're right - he's acting like a jerk, he's acting like a jerk, he's acting like a jerk.... I'm just afraid I'm acting like an instable woman - ew. I feel so ashamed for letting this crack in my veneer get out of hand...
Spark1111 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 You are only human. Do NOT forget you are the victim here. You were lied to and he kept secrets from you, Does his EA partner have a spouse? I believe in disclosure, if she does, so he can make an informed decision about his future. Gaslighting and blame-shifting can make us crazy. It is okay to be angry, good and angry. You should be. Do NOT forget you were lied to and deceived. Anger can be self-protecting and can galvanize you to action; action you need to take to walk away. Do not expect your anger to change anything within him, but having others know the truth of your situation is okay. Do lot allow humiliation, or his contempt, to shut down your anger or keep HIS actions a secret from others. You were the victim here. He lied to you. Remember that.
Author PollyIvy Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 You are only human. Do NOT forget you are the victim here. You were lied to and he kept secrets from you, Does his EA partner have a spouse? I believe in disclosure, if she does, so he can make an informed decision about his future. Gaslighting and blame-shifting can make us crazy. It is okay to be angry, good and angry. You should be. Do NOT forget you were lied to and deceived. Anger can be self-protecting and can galvanize you to action; action you need to take to walk away. Do not expect your anger to change anything within him, but having others know the truth of your situation is okay. Do lot allow humiliation, or his contempt, to shut down your anger or keep HIS actions a secret from others. You were the victim here. He lied to you. Remember that. Thanks. I am tired of keeping his secret so he can be Mr Professional. The woman he had the EA with was his subordinate at the office. And I think the secretaries overheard.
KikiW Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Good. I hope they heard too. There is nothing wrong with getting upset about this. Sometimes it's good to let the person screwing you over know it loud and clear. Regroup now. You're doing fine!
Spark1111 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Thanks. I am tired of keeping his secret so he can be Mr Professional. The woman he had the EA with was his subordinate at the office. And I think the secretaries overheard. I would not worry about the secretaries. Chances are they already suspected, if it was anything like my fWS's affair with a co-worker. Every woman in the building sensed the inappropriateness of their relationship, despite what they thought. At least you didn't email the pic files to his co-workers. A lot of people totally lose their marbles on DDays. Kiki is right. Regroup now. You are doing fine. Remember there is a lot of leverage in hard cold evidence. (Former investigative journalist here.) Look, he treats you and the separation with respect. There are many worse things you could do with his 100s picture file of this subordinate than save it for your attorney. Make sure he knows that IF he tries to browbeat you into a pulp. State it calmly and walk away from him.
PhoenixRise Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Thank you so much, Freestyle. I *just* flipped out and now I feel guilty and stupid and horrible. I just realized that I can't stand having him here. All he does is shout at home, so I went to his office and told him I wanted him out. We are moving in 3 weeks, so of course I am being 'irrational'. I didn't make a big scene, but I did make a little one. And that's one thing I can NEVER do - embarrass him at work. And i 've just done it. He's gonna hate me forever now. I've been doing the 180 for 5 weeks perfectly. And I just threw it all away.... Polly I hope you soon get to the point where you don't feel guilty and horrible about refusing to maintain someone else's secret. It is in his interest for you to be silenced, decimated and contained by your fear of his contempt. Remember that what he is actually DOING is contemptible. It is not your job to maintain his professional image. It is his. The #1 thing he could do to maintain his professional image is refrain from engaging in emotional affairs with his subordinates. His Job. Not Yours.
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Who cares if I made a scene at his work? HE does. I've just given him the perfect excuse to indulge in massive amounts of withering contempt. but you're right - he's acting like a jerk, he's acting like a jerk, he's acting like a jerk.... I'm just afraid I'm acting like an instable woman - ew. I feel so ashamed for letting this crack in my veneer get out of hand... Sweetie, you are FAR from unstable. You're completey sane! You showed EMOTION, ANGER, MISTRUST because of what HE HAS DONE. And continues to do.. Yeah maybe it was a mistake to go to his work and do this, but in the bigger picture of things, he has noone to blame but himself. He created this mess, he was the one who cheated, who has many pictures on his computer. He got caught, you are upset, rightfully so and reacted. He is acting like a big p&ssy so don't you let him make you feel bad for being angry at him. You getting pissed at him at work compared to what he's been doing/has done, is uncomparable. Hope you understand that! YOU are in control, not him. He has some balls to pull this on you, especially if he tries to blame you!
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Thanks. I am tired of keeping his secret so he can be Mr Professional. The woman he had the EA with was his subordinate at the office. And I think the secretaries overheard. Ahhh, here we go... Mr nice guy, Mr respectable at work... Who everyone likes and thinks highly of ... Noone would ever suspect HIM of cheating.. Especially with someone in the office. He's only pissed because now some will see him for who he truly is, not the fake facade he's been putting on for a long time! He's upset, and going to blame you.. DO NOT LET HIM. You did not hold a gun to his head and make him cheat on you! Let alone make him cheat with someone at work! He's a piece of work.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Agreed. Glad this sucker and that wh*re got exposed for who they really are. Well-played and nicely done, bravo!
kimpppp Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Had this been me, I wouldn't have said a word. I would have copied those pictures. Next, I would have started paying off all my bills and saved money. I would have played along while copying his files and emails. Then one day when he least expected it, hit him with divorce papers. He would have no idea what hit him.
Memphis Raines Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Had this been me, I wouldn't have said a word. I would have copied those pictures. Next, I would have started paying off all my bills and saved money. I would have played along while copying his files and emails. Then one day when he least expected it, hit him with divorce papers. He would have no idea what hit him. excellent ideas! now go tell the wife of your MM this so she can do the same.
Author PollyIvy Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 Just an update - he's been out of the house a week. It feels SO much better not having him around. He keeps waiting for me to relent, and say 'why don't you just stay here tonight, honey?' so he can sneer and say 'no way!' But I just keep smiling and saying nothing, and he sulks and slinks off. He has even tried to make excuses for his behavior - normally he has too much contempt to bother with such things. I am not listening - not responding. "It wasn't an affair - it was a 'special relationship'. " So he's America and she's England. This is HARD, but I'm doing it. I've had enough.
jthorne Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 "It wasn't an affair - it was a 'special relationship'. " So he's America and she's England. :lmao:Good for you for seeing through that crap. If the relationship was so special, why didn't he share it with you? Surely, he would want to share something so 'special' with his very own wife.
Spark1111 Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 :lmao:Good for you for seeing through that crap. If the relationship was so special, why didn't he share it with you? Surely, he would want to share something so 'special' with his very own wife. EXACTLY! Married couples should ALWAYS share their special relationships! I love my friend, so I want you to love him/her too! I admire my colleague at work, and I hope you will too when you meet him/her? People who love and RESPECT each other share all their friendships and relationships with each other because we care most of all, WHAT OUR SPOUSE THINKS OF THIS PERSON. Imagine that? The first clue to an inappropriate relationship is the minute it becomes a secret from one's spouse! He is in a fog and now trying to justify his actions and minimize his emotional affair to first, himself, and secondly, to you. Stick to your guns. I am proud of you.
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