OMG Just found photos

[PollyIvy]

I was looking for a picture for my kid's class on H's computer and couldn't find one, so did a search and suddenly this whole secret file of pictures of HER came up. It was an emotional affair (as far as I know) and he was in love with her for 2 years, so I thought, but clearly those feelings are still there.

 

I started to shake and cry and my hands went numb and I had trouble breathing. I had seriosly believed it was over.

 

I've been doing so well, but all the pain has come rushing back. I FEEL SO HEARTBROKEN AND SO STUPID.

 

I am freaking out, this hurts so much. WTH??!! I spoke to him on the phone (he is away on business) and he said he was sorry that I found the pictures, and that's what I get for snooping (!!!!). That was so mean. He's so angry at me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Typical blameshifting bull**** from a cheater.

 

Mine told me recently that I "allowed" his behaviour because even though he told me that it stopped for a year I shouldn't have believed him because he had that type of pattern.

[Darren Steez]

He doesn't seem repentant and obviously still hasn't let go off this woman, meaning he's still harboring some feelings for her. Far from apologizing, he's blaming you for snooping.

Time to have a real serious chat and lay everything on the table with regards to why he kept those photos, how he feels about her and how he feels about you and what he's willing to do to work on this marriage. I'm sorry this has happened to when just when you thought you were starting to heal.

[bentnotbroken]

I wouldn't delete those pictures, but I would talk with a lawyer and a counselor. His head is so far up his behind he will probably choke to death.

[HappyAgain]

Save a copy of the photos for your lawyer and format his hard-drives (more than once so he cannot restore them.)

 

I did that to my ex who reacted the exact same way as yours - placing the blame on me for finding them. He even had the gall to tell every one of his friends that I destroyed his computer but somehow forgot to mention what all those gigs of photos and videos were of.

 

Let me say that doing that made me feel great that day!

[PollyIvy]

Should I delete the photos off of his computer?

I saved them on a flash and onto my computer.

 

The pictures aren't graphic - just tons and tons of photographs of this woman taken by my husband who obviously adores/adored her.

[Steadfast]

Polly, I don't know your complete history, but I'm assuming you and your husband are trying to work it out? If so, yes...bad news.

 

This may or may not apply, but one thing I noticed with my ex wife's affair was the fun of it disappeared after it was exposed. Understand, in her case the OM backed away (and then she told me) but it was clear by her actions she really got off on the secretive aspect of it. That's a cruel thing to do, but in her mind having something 'all hers' with me excluded was enjoyable because (I think) she had some deep down resentment for me. Call it rebellion, selfishness or just plain twisted, the pattern continued for two more affairs (that I know of) and she's still that way...three years post divorce. She even keeps her private life from her kids.

 

I'm pretty sure this is a 'human' trait; not just reserved for women. Do you think that for whatever reason he's holding a grudge?

 

If it were me, finding that would put things back to Square One. His response would take it back another hundred notches. At this point, it doesn't matter what you do with a bunch of digital files; the real problem is the information stored between your husband's ears. Too bad you can't delete that-

[Spark1111]

I was looking for a picture for my kid's class on H's computer and couldn't find one, so did a search and suddenly this whole secret file of pictures of HER came up. It was an emotional affair (as far as I know) and he was in love with her for 2 years, so I thought, but clearly those feelings are still there.

 

I started to shake and cry and my hands went numb and I had trouble breathing. I had seriosly believed it was over.

 

I've been doing so well, but all the pain has come rushing back. I FEEL SO HEARTBROKEN AND SO STUPID.

 

I am freaking out, this hurts so much. WTH??!! I spoke to him on the phone (he is away on business) and he said he was sorry that I found the pictures, and that's what I get for snooping (!!!!). That was so mean. He's so angry at me.

 

Holding on to mementos of his affair is rude, inconsiderate and does not portend to an honest reconciliation.

 

I would print them out and store them in a safe place in the event you need them in the future.

 

I would delete them on the computer. I would be enraged that not only had he kept mementos of his fAP, but that he was angry I found them.

 

That is STILL keeping secrets from you. He may be somewhat remorseful, but he has not changed his behavior or his mindset IF he does not understand how hurtful that was to you.

 

I'm sorry. You ARE back to square one. Stay calm. Do not email them to the world before you delete them.

[Goldenspoon]

I am freaking out, this hurts so much. WTH??!! I spoke to him on the phone (he is away on business) and he said he was sorry that I found the pictures, and that's what I get for snooping (!!!!). That was so mean. He's so angry at me.

 

I think there is so much more to it. Maybe he is away "on business" with her at some hotel.

[Lorelei_Lane]

What an unremorseful jerk!

 

If I were you I'd be at the lawyers right now, with those photos. I took my husband back after an emotional affair too, but he deleted every photo of her, every email, etc. He kept NOTHING. And has been that way for two years now.

 

Apparently your husband didn't let go, I would be moving on from him instead of with him. I'm so angry at him for you!

[WorldIsYours]

Divorce the scum.

[YellowShark]

I was looking for a picture for my kid's class on H's computer and couldn't find one, so did a search and suddenly this whole secret file of pictures of HER came up. It was an emotional affair (as far as I know) and he was in love with her for 2 years, so I thought, but clearly those feelings are still there.

 

I started to shake and cry and my hands went numb and I had trouble breathing. I had seriosly believed it was over.

 

Why? Because he "said" so? Plaeeeze. Don't be so naïve PollyIvy. My EX said the same thing to me and in the end it turns out all those naughty pics she would send me via her phone she was ALSO sending to the MM she was cheating with. Now I look back and realize everything she said was a lie.

 

I am freaking out, this hurts so much. WTH??!! I spoke to him on the phone (he is away on business) and he said he was sorry that I found the pictures, and that's what I get for snooping (!!!!). That was so mean. He's so angry at me.

 

Typical gaslighting by a cheater. In his twisted world it is your fault you found "pictures" because you were snooping. In the real world the reality is you found pictures because he is cheating.

 

Sorry you have to go through this PollyIvy, I had to as well and it is horrible. But as painful as it is the truth shall set you free.

 

Best of luck.

[whichwayisup]

I don't like how he reacted and how he was mean to you.

 

Change the locks on your doors. Don't say a word to him..

[xpaperxcutx]

Should I delete the photos off of his computer?

I saved them on a flash and onto my computer.

 

The pictures aren't graphic - just tons and tons of photographs of this woman taken by my husband who obviously adores/adored her.

 

If you have the option for a divorce, would you pursue one? Non- graphic pictures are a step below pornography but they are evidence that this woman shall and always be a third wheel because he " thinks" about her. She may be out of sight, but she is not out of mind.

[Fugu]

I was looking for a picture for my kid's class on H's computer and couldn't find one, so did a search and suddenly this whole secret file of pictures of HER came up. It was an emotional affair (as far as I know) and he was in love with her for 2 years, so I thought, but clearly those feelings are still there.

 

I started to shake and cry and my hands went numb and I had trouble breathing. I had seriosly believed it was over.

 

I've been doing so well, but all the pain has come rushing back. I FEEL SO HEARTBROKEN AND SO STUPID.

 

I am freaking out, this hurts so much. WTH??!! I spoke to him on the phone (he is away on business) and he said he was sorry that I found the pictures, and that's what I get for snooping (!!!!). That was so mean. He's so angry at me.

 

He's mean and angry because he is acting like a narcissistic c*nt who insists on defending himself, even though he knows that, deep down inside, he is in the wrong here.

 

I don't know what you do at this point, but if it were me, I would have to maybe take a weekend retreat for myself and do some serious soul searching. I would need to ask myself what do I want to do here. Obviously, your husband cannot be trusted at this point. You cannot control him, but you can control yourself.

 

Unfortunately, it's more complicated with kids involved. Really, only you probably know what to do at this point. Come back to LS if you need support.

[YellowShark]

He's mean and angry because he is acting like a narcissistic c*nt who insists on defending himself, even though he knows that, deep down inside, he is in the wrong here.

 

I agree 100%. He is trying to defend what is indefensible. The pictures and his affair. Don't cave into his sick little game PollyIvy. Stand your ground and don't negotiate who's "in the wrong" here. He should not be having an affair and he should not have dirty photos of his affair partner. Period.

 

Rest assured he won't go down without a fight. He will gaslight and blamescape you till the cows come home. (and yes, make a copy of the pics to show your lawyer. He can't deny anything then and it gives you the power in this mess he's created.

[PhoenixRise]

I was looking for a picture for my kid's class on H's computer and couldn't find one, so did a search and suddenly this whole secret file of pictures of HER came up. It was an emotional affair (as far as I know) and he was in love with her for 2 years, so I thought, but clearly those feelings are still there.

 

I started to shake and cry and my hands went numb and I had trouble breathing. I had seriosly believed it was over.

 

I've been doing so well, but all the pain has come rushing back. I FEEL SO HEARTBROKEN AND SO STUPID.

 

I am freaking out, this hurts so much. WTH??!! I spoke to him on the phone (he is away on business) and he said he was sorry that I found the pictures, and that's what I get for snooping (!!!!). That was so mean. He's so angry at me.

 

Polly Ivy

 

I want you to think about this:

 

You started to shake and cry. Parts of your body went numb. You had trouble breathing.

 

You feel heartbroken and stupid. You are freaking out. You are in immense pain.

 

 

You husband, on the other hand apparently feels just fine. He is not freaking out that this recent discovery of yours could cost him your relationship. He is not having trouble breathing. He is not weeping.

 

As painful as it might be to consider, I think you have to acknowledge to yourself that your emotional investment in your marriage and in your marital recovery is (at this point)far greater than your husband's.

 

As long as you want the marriage more than he does nothing will change and you will continue to get hurt.

 

If my husband spoken to me that way under the same circumstances I would be gone by the time he returned from his trip.

 

IMO Time and distance offer clarity.

 

But if you are not ready or just don't want to separate can you at least take a step back and enforce some boundaries?

 

It is not ok that he spoke to you that way.

 

It is not ok that he either has kept pictures of his AP or is receiving new pics from his AP.

 

Has he taken any steps to actively recover the marriage beyond telling you the affair was over?

 

If you are going to stay in the marriage, don't just stay there and accept pain. Stand up for the kind of marriage/relationship you want. And stand up for the way you want/expect to be treated.

 

I know how much this must hurt, but you can't allow your pain to render you incapable of acting in your own best interest.

 

Good Luck. I really wish you the best..

[PollyIvy]

Thank you so much for your insight, experience, and support.

My H and I have decided to separate. We are both moving to different places in a month. I am taking our 3 children.

I am doing the ole' 180. But this is going to be hard in light of these photos. I am going to try to maintain distance, pleasantness and class. I do NOT want to confront, cry, argue, get all worked up, get sarcastic, etc. That is so bad for me, and for the kids, who always overhear.

We will be far away, so we won't see him until he visits us in Sept or Oct. Then we'll see where we are. I am going to go low contact once we leave. He is already, naturally low contact with me! ("I can go a loooong time without talking to YOU" - nice).

 

Steadfast and Spark:

You are so right. I have been catapulted back to freakin' Square One. Now I have to cry and lost sleep and face the pain all over again. But he's coming back tomorrow, so I have one more day to pull myself together. ..

[PollyIvy]

Yellow Shark, thanks for the strong words. You are right, of course. I'm sorry you went through it. I have been trying to be neutral - to take care of myself and the kids - and just try to make it to Separation Day without any. more. freakin. drama. My H churns up the drama, but the hurtful things he says - I realize it's not about me - and I just don't react now. (well, not in front of him, anyway).

[PollyIvy]

Polly Ivy

 

I want you to think about this:

 

You started to shake and cry. Parts of your body went numb. You had trouble breathing.

 

You feel heartbroken and stupid. You are freaking out. You are in immense pain.

 

 

You husband, on the other hand apparently feels just fine. He is not freaking out that this recent discovery of yours could cost him your relationship. He is not having trouble breathing. He is not weeping.

 

As painful as it might be to consider, I think you have to acknowledge to yourself that your emotional investment in your marriage and in your marital recovery is (at this point)far greater than your husband's.

 

As long as you want the marriage more than he does nothing will change and you will continue to get hurt.

 

If my husband spoken to me that way under the same circumstances I would be gone by the time he returned from his trip.

 

IMO Time and distance offer clarity.

 

But if you are not ready or just don't want to separate can you at least take a step back and enforce some boundaries?

 

It is not ok that he spoke to you that way.

 

It is not ok that he either has kept pictures of his AP or is receiving new pics from his AP.

 

Has he taken any steps to actively recover the marriage beyond telling you the affair was over?

 

If you are going to stay in the marriage, don't just stay there and accept pain. Stand up for the kind of marriage/relationship you want. And stand up for the way you want/expect to be treated.

 

I know how much this must hurt, but you can't allow your pain to render you incapable of acting in your own best interest.

 

Good Luck. I really wish you the best..

 

Oh my god - this is so wise. You are so right. I get sick, and he's just laughing. Any sign of a threat against Mr Superior and he launches into a full-blown attack to get the unpleasantness (the wife) off his back.

 

Thank you, I needed to hear this. It reinforces my resolve to make my life better and give my children a mother they can respect.

[Spark1111]

Thank you so much for your insight, experience, and support.

My H and I have decided to separate. We are both moving to different places in a month. I am taking our 3 children.

I am doing the ole' 180. But this is going to be hard in light of these photos. I am going to try to maintain distance, pleasantness and class. I do NOT want to confront, cry, argue, get all worked up, get sarcastic, etc. That is so bad for me, and for the kids, who always overhear.

We will be far away, so we won't see him until he visits us in Sept or Oct. Then we'll see where we are. I am going to go low contact once we leave. He is already, naturally low contact with me! ("I can go a loooong time without talking to YOU" - nice).

 

Steadfast and Spark:

You are so right. I have been catapulted back to freakin' Square One. Now I have to cry and lost sleep and face the pain all over again. But he's coming back tomorrow, so I have one more day to pull myself together. ..

 

Part of the 180 is to truly enjoy and anticipate your new life without him. Get on the phone, laugh with family members and friends when he is around, stay happily busy in his presence. Don't hide your excitement over your separation. Be polite. Do not discuss your relationship other than to say how sorry you are he could not give her up. Wish him happiness, convincingly.

 

If he is STILL blaming you, he never truly stopped his EA. I suspect it just went underground.

 

How easy is it to love a ghost fantasy? Very easy. Give him enough rope to choke on it.

 

Move on. You have a wonderful life ahead of you. Make it all you want it to be!

[Minnie09]

Polly, I'm so sorry to hear what happened, and I can so relate. Almost the same exact thing happened to me and like you I decided it's over. It had to be for the sake of my child and my own dignity. I wish you all the best and a lot of strength. I hope you have a reliable support system. It's hard to learn that the ones cheated on are those who suffer the most, and not the other way round. It's a hard lesson, but what you get out of it is that you can survive without them. Because you have to. Hugs to you!

[PollyIvy]

Ok I got the photos printed out.

He's coming home tomorrow, wish me luck.

I want to just be calm and fabulous and not get stuck into any horrible conversations...

[bentnotbroken]

Ok I got the photos printed out.

He's coming home tomorrow, wish me luck.

I want to just be calm and fabulous and not get stuck into any horrible conversations...

 

 

Got an Ipod or MP3 player. Load it up with your favorite kick azz songs and stick in the ear plugs when he is around. Say it over and over in your head "I am worth a hell of a lot more than his best!"

[freestyle]

let him come home to find the locks changed, and a suitcase on the front porch.