Is anyone taking marriage seriously anymore?

[luvflower]

Hello loveshack.

 

I'm a 33 yr female. never been married but I'm curious to find out if anyone can offer any remedy for what seems to be an epidemic now of broken marriages and relationships in general due to infidelity or some form of abuse. for the majority of incidents I've known about, it seems to be the man who didnt remain faithful in marriage, often without regards to how sweet, attractive, loving or interesting the wife is.

 

I know of one situation on particular where the husband had several females on the side. Then there are older women I've spoken with who ended their marriages because they said their husbands wanted too many women, to paraphrase .

 

what is the problem and why is no one taking marriage seriously? I've ben proposed to by my"ex" twice, but I saw certain characteristics that I knew I sprint deal with so I decided to eventually let him go, but I would like a life long companion without that betrayal...What's the point in bering married if you're going to cheat? Please, I need some feedback.

[Summer Breeze]

I think you need to include women cheating in your opener. I think that should be part of it not just men. No matter what we want to think infidelity has been around forever. I'd imagine it's grown because women are doing the same as the men and infidelity is rife with both now. The world is a smaller place with technology and opportunities and temptation are more available than ever.

 

In my opinion we've been living in a social experiment that started in the60s and is still kicking the stuffing out of us now. Free love and me, me, me. We have less value on human life drive bys, and abortionm and more suicide, and wars on television, and video games, and music. If we generally don't value life as much how are we to value an institution like marriage?

 

We live in a society where we're so busy we don't take the time needed to care for the people we love. We must put food on the table and pay the mortgage. We need to get Suzie to drama and Peter to football camp. Notes are left and calendars are marked and husbands and wives share their days as they're brushing their teeth and heading to bed.

 

Politicians and stars apologize for their infidelity and it's ok. The polls and magazine sales say so.

 

Believe me I'm not saying these things in and of themselves are bad but they are the reality we are in. It's not the same world it was and when the world changes so does everything in our lives.

 

A few thoughts and sorry if it's not what you were looking for.

[Summer Breeze]

the problem today is that concepts of integrity, honesty, commitment, respect,courage and self discipline have fallen by the wayside. People today rationalize and justify vulgar dirty behaviour by saying and believing stupid sayings like "you can't help who you fall in love with" or my happiness is the most important thing". Many people today are self centred and generally cruel all around. If you want to really be disgusted in the way people treat the people they committed to a life of monogomy an fidelity to check out the OM/OW forum. Some of the crap over there will make you puke.

 

What you're describing has been around since the beginning of time. The core of human nature hasn't changed, it's a society that's more accepting of it and desensitized to it.

 

I take it your parting comment means we won't see you posting over there then.

[Spark1111]

Well, you can't blame people for believing that love lasts forever. Disney movies, Da Beers, all of those romantic movies etc. Its just part of nature's plan, but people make it be more than what it really is. A simple trick to make women and men mate. Isn't it funny how most relationships don't last reach the 2 year mark, but yet people insist on investing their finances, their youth, their emotional and physical health on a silly belief that the 'one' is coming.

 

As if we all have a personal Mua'Dib waiting for us to 'grow' emotionally, by being rejected/dumped/cheated on/ settled for

 

Marriage and co-habitation make no sense and are relics of a past ruled by religion. Marriage cannot last forever(yes, you all know of a couple who's been married for 50 years), but with the no fault divorce, and with the benefits of divorce, people aren't going to restrain their human nature.

 

Marriage is dead and gone. And as co-habitation becomes more and more marriage, that too will end.

 

to a life of monogomy

 

How can people be monogamous? The Human species wasn't made to be monogamous. Its like trying to walk over water. Only one guy managed to do it.

 

I respectfully disagree. I just believe people do not do monogamous relationships well.

 

They do not educate themselves as to what to expect and how to develop the proper coping and communication skills.

 

The first two years of ANY relationship is filled with lust and rose-colored glasses. It's suppose to be. It's based on mutual attraction and fueled by brain chemicals that release constant endorphins.

 

If you want to try to have a life-time of that, then you will have to find multiple partners, if you are fortunate; looks, financial means, and the opportunity to do so.

 

But most studies show that we live longer and happier lives when coupled long-term with a caring partner, especially men.

 

So monogamy and marriage are always a choice, one you must make everyday to have it be successful long term.

 

Most people begin to complain of what they are NOT getting out of a relationship when the rose-colored glasses come off and the realistic phase of the relationship begins.

 

In MC, they usually discover that it was a lack of what they were giving, a complacency, that was the cause of most of their perceived marital woes.

 

It all starts with expectations and education to learn how to do long-term, mature love well. And few people do that because either they think it should be a certain way, or they allow their personal discontent to distance them from their partner.

[threebyfate]

In the past, cheating happened pretty regularly for men and even though their wives found out about the cheating, divorce was not an option since it was so stigmatized. Also, back in the "golden" days aka 1950's and prior, women didn't have financial freedom since the traditional marriage concept included being a stay at home wife and mother.

 

The risk of cheating is pretty high in any relationship or marriage. But the way people on LS frame it, it's like an eventuality which it's not. The risk of divorce in general also isn't the eventuality that LSers appear to believe. For the 30 - 40% that cheat, the other 60 - 70% don't. For the 50% that divorce for all kinds of reasons, the other 50% don't.

 

LS is a place that draws people that have had or still have difficulties with relationships/marriages. If you were to take the statistics on LS, bet the percentage of members who are in happy relationships/marriages would equal less than 5%. Wouldn't shock me if it was less than 1%.

 

To tie it all together, don't look at LS as a microcosm of the real world if you're wondering about healthy relationships or marriages. Consider it moonshine, which can make you go blind!

[WorldIsYours]

the problem today is that concepts of integrity, honesty, commitment, respect,courage and self discipline have fallen by the wayside. People today rationalize and justify vulgar dirty behaviour by saying and believing stupid sayings like "you can't help who you fall in love with" or my happiness is the most important thing". Many people today are self centred and generally cruel all around. If you want to really be disgusted in the way people treat the people they committed to a life of monogomy an fidelity to check out the OM/OW forum. Some of the crap over there will make you puke.

 

Very true. Then they bitch and get offended when someone over 3000 miles away from them calls them out on their callous behavior.

 

[Eddie Edirol]

Bottom line is people let too many things slide with their relationships. Red flags, and communication. When people dont communicate, they get turned off. MArried or not, you only live once, and no one should be staying with someone that they are miserable with.

 

The difference now rather than 50 years ago is that its more common to divorce, so people just learn from their mistakes and try again. Unfortunately, there are people out there who have bad traits that they dont want to change, and they fool their partners into marriage. Their partners let the red flags slide, and it starts all over again.

 

people will always let the red flags slide because its not romantic. Romanticizing marriage is actually what is ruining marriages. People also keep believing the myth that the love flame lasts forever with no work.

[luvflower]

I think you need to include women cheating in your opener. I think that should be part of it not just men. No matter what we want to think infidelity has been around forever. I'd imagine it's grown because women are doing the same as the men and infidelity is rife with both...

 

A few thoughts and sorry if it's not what you were looking for.

 

Thanks summerbreeze and u are exactly right about women cheating as well as men. However, ime women started cheating more because they've noticed that men seem to be making no strides in terms of ending their roles in infidelity or resisting temptation. lots of women are to blame because they allow themselves to be the "other woman", which is really sad because it only perpetuates infidelity.

 

Pls excuse typos... On the road

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks summerbreeze and u are exactly right about women cheating as well as men. However, ime women started cheating more because they've noticed that men seem to be making no strides in terms of ending their roles in infidelity or resisting temptation. lots of women are to blame because they allow themselves to be the "other woman", which is really sad because it only perpetuates infidelity.

 

Pls excuse typos... On the road

 

 

Cheating women have been around since biblical times as well. They are spoken of throughout the Bible. As one poster said, there is just less stigmatization associated with cheating. It is a universal, non-gendered, been around since the beginning of time and will be here when the world ends. We are humans and as long as we live in the flesh we will do make some piss poor choices. But there are a lot of us who still take marriage very seriously.

[luvflower]

In the past, cheating happened pretty regularly for men and even though their wives found out about the cheating, divorce was not an option since it was so stigmatized. Also, back in the "golden" days aka 1950's and prior, women didn't have financial freedom since the traditional marriage concept included being a stay at home wife and mother.

 

The risk of cheating is pretty high in any relationship or marriage. But the way people on LS frame it, it's like an eventuality which it's not. The risk of divorce in general also isn't the eventuality that LSers appear to believe. For the 30 - 40% that cheat, the other 60 - 70% don't. For the 50% that divorce for all kinds of reasons, the other 50% don't.

 

LS is a place that draws people that have had or still have difficulties with relationships/marriages. If you were to take the statistics on LS, bet the percentage of members who are in happy relationships/marriages would equal less than 5%. Wouldn't shock me if it was less than 1%.

 

To tie it all together, don't look at LS as a microcosm of the real world if you're wondering about healthy relationships or marriages. Consider it moonshine, which can make you go blind!

 

Hey threebyfate, thanks for tje response and statistics. I actually dont get motivated to write threads on this type of topic from LS. Instead, it's the people I know and even my own relationships sometimes that make me wonder, "why get married", especially if i may not be treated well. Bring Treated well encompasses so much. Now days or youth think it's ok to have several boy /girl friends. They see their parents' r posterelationships and watch tv thinking that they dont need to be sincere on their commitment to the person they love. the poster/s who mention our society having little regard for commitment is completely right. We want instant gratification and some people, men and women, have issues that need to be resolved before making commitments to other people.

 

How can a man with deep insecurities commit to a woman and treat her well when issues like jealousy , control and being possessive, exist within him? Our when a female comes to the table with daddy issues. If healthy relationships could be imposed(since they affect our children and the future of this world), like taxes i supposed that would be asking too much., ha?

[threebyfate]

Hey threebyfate, thanks for tje response and statistics. I actually dont get motivated to write threads on this type of topic from LS. Instead, it's the people I know and even my own relationships sometimes that make me wonder, "why get married", especially if i may not be treated well. Bring Treated well encompasses so much. Now days or youth think it's ok to have several boy /girl friends. They see their parents' r posterelationships and watch tv thinking that they dont need to be sincere on their commitment to the person they love. the poster/s who mention our society having little regard for commitment is completely right. We want instant gratification and some people, men and women, have issues that need to be resolved before making commitments to other people.

 

How can a man with deep insecurities commit to a woman and treat her well when issues like jealousy , control and being possessive, exist within him? Our when a female comes to the table with daddy issues. If healthy relationships could be imposed(since they affect our children and the future of this world), like taxes i supposed that would be asking too much., ha?

The quickest way to figure out whether some one will be a good partner is to look at their parent's relationship, as well as their relationship with their parents. This isn't a guaranteed method but it does make sense that if your foundational platform was created by watching and participating in healthy relationships, that's how you will treat your partner.

 

There will be people who can break out of their foundational molds but they appear to be few and far between.

[luvflower]

Eddie you're really smart. And I'm not being sarcastic.... It's so true ,what you said. People go blindly into marriage so often then find it hard to turn back because if they realize things are getting really ugly... they get comfortable with their mate and/or lifestyle, even if the relationship has become unhealthy. Some people are even more concerned about what others will say if the relationship fails.

[Woggle]

Pretty much no. Women cheat just as much as men and quite frankly most of them have a you go girl attitude towards. Marriage should pretty much be put out of it's misery anymore. Even if a man is faithful people will still say he deserves to be cheated on because now it's men's turn to deal with it.

[Fugu]

In the past, cheating happened pretty regularly for men and even though their wives found out about the cheating, divorce was not an option since it was so stigmatized. Also, back in the "golden" days aka 1950's and prior, women didn't have financial freedom since the traditional marriage concept included being a stay at home wife and mother.

 

The risk of cheating is pretty high in any relationship or marriage. But the way people on LS frame it, it's like an eventuality which it's not. The risk of divorce in general also isn't the eventuality that LSers appear to believe. For the 30 - 40% that cheat, the other 60 - 70% don't. For the 50% that divorce for all kinds of reasons, the other 50% don't.

 

LS is a place that draws people that have had or still have difficulties with relationships/marriages. If you were to take the statistics on LS, bet the percentage of members who are in happy relationships/marriages would equal less than 5%. Wouldn't shock me if it was less than 1%.

 

To tie it all together, don't look at LS as a microcosm of the real world if you're wondering about healthy relationships or marriages. Consider it moonshine, which can make you go blind!

 

This pretty much sums it all up, right here. Good post.

[Tayla]

Back on topic here: Marriage can and does often relay on three components, two of them being the adults in the relationship and the third, the support group that is there to see them thru. Just because you are Captain of a ship doesn't mean you know how to travel thru the waters. Some folks never get their sea legs, but drift back to shore.

 

I disagree with the concept that the proposed couple should look to their parents as a gauge with how their relationship will endure.

 

My son actually has a solid marriage at the age of 30. He has done so despite the unfortunate role models that his Dad and I were (we divorced). Maybe some folks actually do learn from the sins of the parents.

 

Marriage is not my cup of tea but I can and do believe that some folks are better off married.

[luvflower]

@tayla

 

Just curious. Why isn't marriage your cup of tea?my grandmother even, decided that shed prefer to just have a life long companion rather than marrying again after her first marriage ended over 20 yrs ago.

 

Just curious

[luvflower]

Sidebar: just saw an elderly couple walking by holding hands and talking. I wonder what they've been through in their relationship. If they've ever separated, if they still sleep in the same bed, how many affairs if any have taken place,etc. all these things go through my head as I observe couples especially more mature couples .

 

In the end perhaps it's all about what areas a person chooses to compromise in. an older lady told me once that if you're in a relationship and things aren't going well, a they sometimes won't, dont tell the world of the negative only to have everyone looking at you foolishly because you made the decision to stay with that person after the dirt he/she has done...

 

Ymmv...but for me, regardless of what other people know, I feel bad about myself knowing how much happiness I would be sacrificing just to avoid being single & stay with someone who has clearly betrayed me or just isn't treating me well.

[fooled once]

Hello loveshack.

 

I'm a 33 yr female. never been married but I'm curious to find out if anyone can offer any remedy for what seems to be an epidemic now of broken marriages and relationships in general due to infidelity or some form of abuse. for the majority of incidents I've known about, it seems to be the man who didnt remain faithful in marriage, often without regards to how sweet, attractive, loving or interesting the wife is.

 

I know of one situation on particular where the husband had several females on the side. Then there are older women I've spoken with who ended their marriages because they said their husbands wanted too many women, to paraphrase .

 

what is the problem and why is no one taking marriage seriously? I've ben proposed to by my"ex" twice, but I saw certain characteristics that I knew I sprint deal with so I decided to eventually let him go, but I would like a life long companion without that betrayal...What's the point in bering married if you're going to cheat? Please, I need some feedback.

 

Hi.

 

I am taking marriage seriously. I have been married twice - first marriage I divorced my ex because of alcohol and domestic abuse. No infidelity.

 

Currently happily married for almost 13 years no infidelity in our relationship.

 

Some people just have little morals or have no problems with betraying those they claimed to love. Some people have ego issues and think they should be able to bang whoever they want married or not.

 

I do agree it seems as if infidelity is rampant I do not understand this because divorce is still an option. You will see that many MM who cheat and get busted end up choosing to stay married, even after they have sworn they love the woman they cheated with. I also think many women who allow themselves to be a mistress must have some sort of esteem issues to allow themselves to be someone's option. There is very little loyalty with these type of people. Eventually, they will end up getting their heart broken and as bad as this sounds, I have little sympathy for that. To knowingly and willfully decide to cheat or decide to be the affair partner of a married person is a cowardly act; and shows those people have no respect for anyone and are only out for what they can get out of life, no caring who they hurt.

 

But, I also know many people who are very happy with their spouse and infidelity is not something they choose to do. They have more respect for their spouse and themselves.

 

Just my opinion.

[fooled once]

Marriage and co-habitation make no sense and are relics of a past ruled by religion. Marriage cannot last forever(yes, you all know of a couple who's been married for 50 years), but with the no fault divorce, and with the benefits of divorce, people aren't going to restrain their human nature.

 

Marriage is dead and gone. And as co-habitation becomes more and more marriage, that too will end.

to a life of monogomy

 

How can people be monogamous? The Human species wasn't made to be monogamous. Its like trying to walk over water. Only one guy managed to do it.

 

I completely disagree. Marriage is not dead and gone. Sure, some people have no self control or self respect, but the majority of my friends are married and happily married.

 

I respectfully disagree. I just believe people do not do monogamous relationships well.

 

They do not educate themselves as to what to expect and how to develop the proper coping and communication skills.

 

The first two years of ANY relationship is filled with lust and rose-colored glasses. It's suppose to be. It's based on mutual attraction and fueled by brain chemicals that release constant endorphins.

 

If you want to try to have a life-time of that, then you will have to find multiple partners, if you are fortunate; looks, financial means, and the opportunity to do so.

 

But most studies show that we live longer and happier lives when coupled long-term with a caring partner, especially men.

 

So monogamy and marriage are always a choice, one you must make everyday to have it be successful long term.

 

Most people begin to complain of what they are NOT getting out of a relationship when the rose-colored glasses come off and the realistic phase of the relationship begins.

 

In MC, they usually discover that it was a lack of what they were giving, a complacency, that was the cause of most of their perceived marital woes.

 

It all starts with expectations and education to learn how to do long-term, mature love well. And few people do that because either they think it should be a certain way, or they allow their personal discontent to distance them from their partner.

 

Great post Spark.

[Spark1111]

Hi.

 

I am taking marriage seriously. I have been married twice - first marriage I divorced my ex because of alcohol and domestic abuse. No infidelity.

 

Currently happily married for almost 13 years no infidelity in our relationship.

 

Some people just have little morals or have no problems with betraying those they claimed to love. Some people have ego issues and think they should be able to bang whoever they want married or not.

 

I do agree it seems as if infidelity is rampant I do not understand this because divorce is still an option. You will see that many MM who cheat and get busted end up choosing to stay married, even after they have sworn they love the woman they cheated with. I also think many women who allow themselves to be a mistress must have some sort of esteem issues to allow themselves to be someone's option. There is very little loyalty with these type of people. Eventually, they will end up getting their heart broken and as bad as this sounds, I have little sympathy for that. To knowingly and willfully decide to cheat or decide to be the affair partner of a married person is a cowardly act; and shows those people have no respect for anyone and are only out for what they can get out of life, no caring who they hurt.

 

But, I also know many people who are very happy with their spouse and infidelity is not something they choose to do. They have more respect for their spouse and themselves.

 

Just my opinion.

 

Great post FO!

 

Committing to one person, one relationship, takes maturity, confidence and perserverence to weather both the good times and the bad times.

 

Cheating is an easy out and an easy diversion.

 

Want constant diversions? Can't do the "hard"? Only want the easy and the limerance? Don't marry. It's not for the feint of heart or those who lack a giving nature.

[Spark1111]

Sidebar: just saw an elderly couple walking by holding hands and talking. I wonder what they've been through in their relationship. If they've ever separated, if they still sleep in the same bed, how many affairs if any have taken place,etc. all these things go through my head as I observe couples especially more mature couples .

 

In the end perhaps it's all about what areas a person chooses to compromise in. an older lady told me once that if you're in a relationship and things aren't going well, a they sometimes won't, dont tell the world of the negative only to have everyone looking at you foolishly because you made the decision to stay with that person after the dirt he/she has done...

 

Ymmv...but for me, regardless of what other people know, I feel bad about myself knowing how much happiness I would be sacrificing just to avoid being single & stay with someone who has clearly betrayed me or just isn't treating me well.

 

Well, you have to marry for the right reasons. All relationships are a leap of faith, a taking of a risk that you will always trust someone to honor and cherish and RESPECT you. You have to do the same with their heart and their feelings.

 

There is compromise and self-sacrifice involved, and it is so worth it if your devotion is reciprocated by your partner.

 

There are no guarantees that all will be perfect and you will live happily ever after. Love, like life, has highs and lows and waxes and wanes.

 

And it is always a choice whether to go or to stay. Only you can decide that for yourself; what you can forgive and what cannot be forgiven.

[threebyfate]

Sidebar: just saw an elderly couple walking by holding hands and talking. I wonder what they've been through in their relationship. If they've ever separated, if they still sleep in the same bed, how many affairs if any have taken place,etc. all these things go through my head as I observe couples especially more mature couples.

That's just negative thinking. I wouldn't doubt they've been through a lot but it doesn't necessarily mean all the bad things you've imagined.

 

You have to drop kick yourself out of this negative thought pattern. Is this the reason why you're only seeing the negative in the relationships around you? I've noticed this pattern on LS, where most on here solely focus on the negative. The positive might be 99% of the equation but most zoom in on the 1% bad and then, blow it up to the size of the Hindenburg.

[Spark1111]

Mr. Cairo, you sound extremely cynical and have quoted every negative article you could find to support your theories.

 

I agree not all people should marry or practice monogamy if they choose not to share themselves, their emotions, their bodies or their resources. If it is continual freedom they want to have many partners or none, I support whatever choice they make for themselves.

 

If you are afraid of being in a loveless, sexless marriage, than those fears may become self-fulfilling and the ability to negotiate compromise for the sake of the marriage may be beyond one's scope and abilities and personal inclination to do so. That's fine.

 

But I have a wonderful life and a wonderful marriage today and would not trade it for all the riches and freedoms in the world.

 

We are married 30 years and made love twice today. I served him coffee in bed and he cooked dinner. We talk non-stop about our dreams and goals and lives and work and current events.

 

He is my best friend and I am his. We rejoice in the love of our children and of our family. We do not ascribe to the tenets of an organized religion and are not monogamous because we have been told to be.

 

We choose to be. We have weathered many storms and have emerged stronger and more in love. We have a profound appreciation of each other.

 

I could not imagine my life any other way and I and he have worked hard to acheive the relationship we have today. We share all and are all to each other.

 

We choose to be married, and for us, it is wonderful.

 

Can't you support that?

[WorldIsYours]

I sound what? realistic? Of course I do. I learn from the mistakes of others. You see, one of the greatest differences between me and the others lies in my capacity to learn by observing people, how they are, what mistakes they do, the risks in everything, and I was also born with the gift of knowing that emotions and feelings are simply illusions, that and the ability to create, amplify, and destroy feelings and emotions, makes for a very funny time.

 

Trust me. Every time I see people bright-eyed with their new found love, and months, or maybe years later, they have this haunted look on their faces.

 

How great it is, to know that you are capable of doing something that other people can't.

 

To see beyond all of the BS, all of the lies, all of the illusions.

 

And be. Untouchable.

 

Oh, and how I saw it coming. Even when I tell people that yeah, you are going to call me bitter, and I proceed to showing why and how, relationships exist mostly in the head of the people who believe in such nonsense, that I am 'bitter' or that I haven't found the one .

 

Of course I've found the one. I AM the One.

 

Hey dude as long as ya know what ya want and able to own your decisions you have my support.

[Summer Breeze]

Mr. Cairo, you sound extremely cynical and have quoted every negative article you could find to support your theories.

 

I agree not all people should marry or practice monogamy if they choose not to share themselves, their emotions, their bodies or their resources. If it is continual freedom they want to have many partners or none, I support whatever choice they make for themselves.

 

If you are afraid of being in a loveless, sexless marriage, than those fears may become self-fulfilling and the ability to negotiate compromise for the sake of the marriage may be beyond one's scope and abilities and personal inclination to do so. That's fine.

 

But I have a wonderful life and a wonderful marriage today and would not trade it for all the riches and freedoms in the world.

 

We are married 30 years and made love twice today. I served him coffee in bed and he cooked dinner. We talk non-stop about our dreams and goals and lives and work and current events.

 

He is my best friend and I am his. We rejoice in the love of our children and of our family. We do not ascribe to the tenets of an organized religion and are not monogamous because we have been told to be.

 

We choose to be. We have weathered many storms and have emerged stronger and more in love. We have a profound appreciation of each other.

 

I could not imagine my life any other way and I and he have worked hard to acheive the relationship we have today. We share all and are all to each other.

 

We choose to be married, and for us, it is wonderful.

 

Can't you support that?

 

The 2 parts I've bolded.

 

1 - everyone who throws out stats about how this works and that works does exactly the same. Mr Cairo found information that isn't readily available or shouted out from the rooftops. I personally found all of that very interesting and a lot of food for thought, as I do when I see people quote stats and articles to support their theories. We can't give people a hard time for supporting what they are saying and many do themselves great disrespect for not reading and contemplating things.

 

2 - With all due respect almost every person in here is here because either they or someone they love chose not to be monogamous. That includes you. I have no doubt you and your H are in a great place now but he chose not to be monogamous until someone forced his hand and he chose to stay in the R. I think by the stories in here and IRL it's standard most unfaithful people will stay in the A until they'e caught. I feel horrible saying that specifically to you because your R is doing so well. I'll apologize here and now for it appearing personal but it is something I felt strongly about replying to.