WavingFlag Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 ... but trusting them not to. I have been perusing these forums for a few weeks now and it has really helped me reading through what other people have been going through. I apologize in advance for this being long -- it is the only way for me to explain the entire story and it is also very therapeutic writing all of this out (besides I feel that I would be writing this to H if I was not creating this post, and I know it is a bad thing to be in contact with her right now). I've tried to structure this in a way so that it is easy to follow. Brief Background: This situation is a little peculiar in that I had the perfect girl and she wanted nothing more than for me to love her. I was blind and took all of this for granted but I will get to that later. About me... I am 24, very stubborn and I have been told I am competitive. I'll refer to myself as "D" throughout this. I have a lot of "baggage" with my family -- things that were out of my control. These things I had never shared with anyone. I have little emotion as a result of the events of my life and I have kept a "wall up". This means I never cry, I tend to not let anything affect me, and I try keep that "tough aura". This all changed as a result of this break-up. This whole situation was a blessing in disguise. The Story: It was my senior year in college that I met this girl (we'll call her H). She actually lived across the hall from me and I had no intention at all in "hooking up" with this girl. It all happened so suddenly. From the start of my relationship with H, it was very casual. Ironically enough, I think it was more H who insisted that our relationship was casual and nothing more at the time (at least that's the vibe I got). Because H thought us hooking up was very casual, I did not want her thinking that I was more serious about her than she was about me. We are both very stubborn (H more so than I am). Therefore, we did not want to be the "first" to show the other person that we actually cared for them more than the superficial hooking up. It was like it was a competition. There is no doubt that I never left that "casual" level and H did. When she would ask me if I was her boyfriend, I would respond saying that I didn't want to complicate things. This, however, was my way of avoiding being "more serious" with her and also being very selfish -- not wanting to commit, not wanting to open up to her, not wanting to share my feelings for her, not wanting to make myself vulnerable... whatever. She put up with this for an extremely long time (we were "together" for a little over 2 years). I always took her for granted. I assumed she was mine and I NEVER thought she would ever leave me. I was wrong. I had tunnel vision. We broke up on January 9th. It was that night for the very first time that H told me that she loved me. This is perhaps the most vulnerable H has ever made herself... she had asked me if I loved her... this was my biggest **** up in the relationship. Being selfish, and being at that same "casual level", I told her I LIKED her but did not love her. I was stupid. I never wanted to move on from the "casual" to the "more serious" scene. Again, I took her for granted. It was then that H said we should break up. I was fine with at the time because I thought she would come back to me. I never thought it would be possible for her to move on. I still remember her saying "bye" and me just being silent. She said "bye" again and I was still silent. Finally, on her third "bye," I very quietly said "bye" and made what would be the worst decision of my life (or is it?...). I honestly believe that this situation was extremely good (even if it is very hard to go through now). If things kept going the way they were, I would have never realized what an ******* I was being to H -- along with how selfish I was towards her, how I took her for granted and all of that other fun stuff -- and H would have never been treated the way she DESERVES to be treated. She is gorgeous, fun, caring, selfless, genuine... you know all that cliche crap. But it is true. I would not change a thing about her... except maybe some of her stubbornness and pride! How was I an *******? Well, I would never recognize H as being my girlfriend; I would hide my feelings for her in front of friends; I never did those "special" things for her... that is, I never went out of my way to really make her feel like she is the "only girl in the world." The Breakup: I never imagined her ever leaving me. I did not think it was possible. I still remember being quite fine with the break-up for a couple of weeks... and then it all sunk in. At first, I had e-mailed her saying the cliche "if we're meant to be together, we will be together" and then those e-mails turned into more of me begging her to not give up on me, etc. I wanted to know what she was doing. I remembered she had given me her password to her e-mail address and so I would go into her e-mail address and read what she was doing. Her friends hated me because H would always tell them what an ******* I was to her. There was one e-mail from her friend that said to just move on from me and that I am not worth her time, blah blah. This pushed me over the edge. As a result, I sent an e-mail from a made-up Yahoo address to myself saying "STAY AWAY FROM H, SHE DOESNT WANT YOU" along other crap. I used this as a means to forward this to H to be angry. It was also a good excuse to finally share all my ****ty life events with her and absolutely everything about me -- nothing sugar-coated. She finally figured out I had gone into her e-mail address and had finally got me to tell her that I had done that... I felt very pathetic. I saw her on my birthday (March 30). She lives about 2 hours away from me but I took a half day on that Wednesday to drive up to her and spend the evening with her. I thought this would be my one opportunity to show her how much she means to me. I bought her roses, wrote a meaningful card, made a playlist for her, and got her a small gift (canvas' of the two of us from our bash/prom event). She told me she hopes I know she wasn't going to put them up and I nodded my head. I wanted to get her something thoughtful which is why I got her that. I made it clear to her that I was not trying to "buy" her. She said she knew. For a birthday gift, H got me a bottle of gin and gave me a card. She said she wanted to get me something that she would get for "a friend". The card was extremely unthoughtful and cliche: "I do hope that so many wonderful things enter your life now that your heart is open. There is no limit to the amount of joy you can experience with an open heart. You deserve all the happiness in the world. I know you are a really good person deep deep down. Happy birthday . Love, H". Admittedly, I felt a little hurt at that point. I was expecting something with a little more emotion/feeling. From about 3:30 to 6ish I talked to her. I was so nervous... nervous because I did not want to say the wrong things. It was a weird nervous... I was comfortable at the same time, if that makes any sense. Talking to H, seeing her face, seeing her smile and laugh, and what not confirmed everything I missed about her. It showed me why I have the feelings I do for her. H told me that she needed time and I told her I want to be her friend and take it as slowly as possible. We talked about everything you could imagine. There were some intense emotional times during our conversations. At first, H was very unemotional and wanted to show me that she didn't really care about me. After talking to her for an hour, she teared up and I could tell her that she DID have emotions for me still, although she was trying her damn best to hide them. I don't like seeing H cry. However, this made me happy because I know she still has those feelings for me that were once there! Her pride and stubbornness blocks that out! I was stubborn; I was selfish; I took her for granted. However, I never did anything as bad as cheat on her, for example. Maybe THEN I could understand her being so hesitant to get back together with me. I have told H numerous times to take the risk for me to show her that I have changed. I know I can make H the happiest girl in the world. I know I can be that paragon boyfriend: one who does those special things for her, one who drives to HER, one who goes out of his way to do the little things she least expect, ... the list is endless. She told me she was not willing to take that risk. Her pride and stubbornness is so frustrating! Again, she makes it seem as if I cheated on her or something to that extent. Moving on... I took H to this upscale German restaurant. I tried to find something that was a little romantic and something exotic... since she likes to try new things. Again, we talked for quite a while. At one point, I think she could tell I was a little down and sad about the whole thing. She unexpectedly reached across the table and held my hand. It was the most AMAZING feeling in the world. I cannot even begin to describe the feeling. I KNOW she cares about me just from that. H told me it would be very easy to get back into a relationship with me... but she didn't want to be that "old H". She likes the new person she has become. It is "liberating". I could only be happy for her at that point and try not to let my feelings for her convince her otherwise. When we left the restaurant, I put my arm around her. She put her arm around me. Again, it was another amazing feeling. I really felt like I was getting through to her. I felt like I truly would have another chance to show her that she means the world to me. I drove her home, we talked for a little more, and then it was time to say goodbye. It was very hard saying goodbye. I hugged her, and hugged her again, and again. I did not want to let her go but I knew I had to. I again told her what she meant to me. I told her how much it meant to me that she was a part of my birthday.I also told her that I made the biggest mistake of my life and I was so sorry for all the pain I caused her. I assured her I would never make that mistake ever again. She just nodded and I could tell that she knew I was being sincere. She could always tell when I was being genuine when talking to me in person. I then left. I thought it was a very successful birthday and I thought I had gotten through to her. The next day I called her because I wanted to ask her one question. I told her I wasn't trying to suffocate her and I would leave her alone for the next few weeks. I asked her if she would at least consider spending time with me at my aunt's house while they are away at England on April 15th. I wanted to spend the weekend with her ice skating, going to an aquarium, going out for dinner, etc. so she could tell I have changed and I could hopefully rekindle some of the romance that we once shared. I wanted to take it slowly -- as slow as she wanted. She said yes, she would keep it in mind. That is all I wanted. I felt content with just the "chance". I was very happy she said she would at least consider it. A week later, she sent me a text saying, "Hey I just remembered that I made tentative plans w/ greg to visit him april vaca so im doing that the wknd of the 15th and then flying out of ny to visit another friend. sry". My response was pretty quick and automatic... in retrospect, I should have just let her do that, despite how hard it was to hear that. It just felt like a door slammed shut in my face. I responded, "Sigh whatever. It seems like everything I try do with you just gets shot down or I have to beg to do it. Quite honestly you seem very cold and have a nonchalant attitude. Your card to me felt very cold, cliche.. I have tried my best H. I really have poured my heart out to you. I really have changed. You dont seem to care so I dont even see what the point was. I can't say im surprised... just another disappointment. Oh well, right? Maybe thats what I need to start feeling". Again, it was very quick and I didn't think much before writing it. I was hurt. She responded, "I want to live my life the way I want to without feeling guilty about it. I wont be willing to give that up for a long time. I care about you greatly but maybe its best to not try to be friends right now." I had to call her so I did. I wanted to talk to her again. To be honest, I don't remember a lot of the conversation. It was extremely emotional. She felt colder than ever. I told her my fears of her stubbornness and pride getting in the way... that she will never just wake up one day and say, "hey, I want to give D another chance." She said she thought it would be a good idea to date other people. She said I need to let go and move on. I kept telling her I didn't want to let go of her. I kept telling her how much she means to me, blah blah. I kept asking her how I was meant to show her I have changed if she doesn't give me the opportunity. Again, she said she didn't want to take that risk. I know she is AFRAID that I will hurt her again... what is life without risk though?? Is it not worth having such a strong relationship? Ahh! Perhaps the most hurt I have ever been in my life... she finally told me she had no feelings for me anymore. None. She then told me to "move on" again. I simply do not believe that she has lost all her feelings for me, especially after seeing her in person, and after holding her hand, holding her, etc. I don't know if she is doing this because she wants me to move on and doesn't want me to "wait" for her or if she really has lost those feelings. Either way, it felt like my heart dropped to my stomach. She said she loves me as a friend but she has no romantic feelings left for me anymore. I'm still trying to answer the question of how someone goes from saying they love you 3 months earlier, to now saying there are no feelings at all? I tried my hardest not to burst into tears but I could not control it. I NEVER cry. Ever. Yet it was like a flood gate and it all came out. It felt SO good though. I felt HUMAN and I realized that I DO have emotions. And I let the tears come out even hours after our conversation. If you have ever seen V for Vendetta, I felt like Evey when she just cries her eyes out. No one has ever incited as much emotion from me as H has. If this is not indicative of the love I have for her, I do not know what is. Even 3 months later after our break up, I still think about her constantly -- every day. H telling me she has no feelings for me hit me like a brick wall. I met the perfect girl for me and I know she is slipping away because of her pride and stubbornness. To make myself feel better, I think to myself, well, if she really loved me, she would never be putting me through this to begin with. However, it was through all of this that I have grown and realized my mistakes. If we were to ever get back together, I think we would be inseparable. Unfortunately, as hard as it is to acknowledge, she will never give me another chance to show her I can make her extremely happy and I know she will never initiate ever getting back together. Seeing her in person was a start... but I need more time than one night. If I had a week with her, I unquestionably know I could show her what I mean to her... but I know I will never have that chance. Her E-mail to my Brother (we'll call him G): "Hi G, I'm sorry for the delay in responding, but I wanted to figure things out first before I wrote you back. I saw D on his birthday this past Wednesday and it answered a lot of questions for me. It was great to see him, and I definitely miss hanging around with him. However, I don't want to be in a relationship. It might sound selfish, but I want to do whatever I want to do without having to constantly think about how it is going to affect the other person, which happens in a relationship. I thought that D and I might be able to be friends, but it was so clear after spending time with him that D is very very vulnerable, and my lack of romantic feelings I think would hurt him in the end. He asked me to spend a weekend alone with him in CT, and I said I'd consider it, but then it turned out I had plans. He got very hurt by this. It was then that I realized that I really needed to let him go. So I had a conversation with him last night basically ending any connections between us. I care about D a lot, but I think a lot of it is a nurturing kind of love, not so much a romantic love. It is possible that if I really gave him another chance that I would fall deeply in love with him, but the bottom line is that I'm not willing to take that risk. I don't want to plunge head first back into our relationship. I get an icky feeling everytime I think about being back in a relationship with him, possibly just from the way he treated me before. I've felt happy being by myself and working on the relationship with myself. I've told D all of this, and it might be a little selfish, but I care more about myself right now than I do about D. Maybe that's how it should be. I don't want to string him along, and I do want him to be happy which I know he will be with someone else now that he's learned how to open his heart. I don't think he'll make the same mistakes with another girl as he made with me. It's sad to let him go, but I know it's for the best, for both of us. I love D, but I know deep down I'm not the girl for him and he's not the one for me. I do hope that sometime in the future, D and I can be close friends again. I told him that I will be there for him if he ever needs me for any reason. Thank you G for listening and helping throughout this whole ordeal. You are a great brother to D. He is so lucky to have you. I know we both care about him a lot and want to see him happy. Take care of D for me H" That hit me like a brick wall, especially the "I know deep down I'm not the girl for him..." and "not willing to take that risk" parts. I know that isn't true. Is this just her way of trying to "be strong" or whatever? Regrets after the breakup: I wish I had not shared with H my life story, my feelings for her, etc. so soon. I thought that is what she would have wanted from me (and I think she did... just much, much sooner). H always used to tell me that if she ever left me, she would want me to "chase" her. I did exactly that, and I think it pushed her away farther. I have done everything I can possibly do to tell her I am extremely sorry, I have changed, I was an *******, she means the world to me, ... everything you can think of. I even told her in a letter that I loved her ... not the way I wanted to tell her. It was out of desperation. I wanted to wait until we were back together to tell her that. I think I should have waited before sharing everything with her... at least wait a couple of months rather than a couple of weeks so she knows its genuine and not just a ploy to get her back. I think I suffocated H with all my feelings, emotions, etc. and I feel like that just pushed her away as I said. I never gave H time to "miss" me. I guess I was scared that she would lose feelings for me... but, then again, if she really loved me, those feelings wouldn't disappear in a mere few weeks or even months (assuming that love was genuine). I did not want H thinking that I was simply telling her those things because those were the things I knew she "wanted to hear" and because I was just lonely and sad about the whole break-up. I SINCERELY meant everything I said to her, even if it was shortly after our break-up. It is up to her to decipher whether she thinks that is genuine or not. The Future: I always wonder if I did everything possible to try "win" H back. I think I have done everything possible and that gives me a peace of mind. Sometimes in these situations one can have tunnel vision... and I think I certainly have that tunnel vision. I did not want to have any regrets later. Right now I am in the no-contact stage with H (it has been two weeks now). I had gotten her more roses for a weekend I thought we would get to spend together. After realizing she would not be coming, I got the roses sent earlier and sent those to her. That's the last "contact" I've had with her. I think there is truth to H saying that I am trying to "make up" for what a ****ty boyfriend I was. However, I've told her numerous times that I don't want her to think I am trying to "buy" her back. That is not the case. Not contacting H is so hard but I know it is the best thing I can do for her. I think it is hard because I do not want her to ever think that I have just given up on her. And of course there is that inevitable fear that she will lose any feelings for me. I agree that if we do get back together before she gets that time she wants, she will just look for flaws in me and question every little bump in our relationship. The saying "if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours forever" is so true. I know it is going to be EXTREMELY hard letting her go, but I know that is the best thing I can do right now. I love H more than you can imagine and I need to be strong enough to let her go, to let her experience other guys, and to let her live her life. The ultimate thing that would crush me is seeing her with someone else. If this makes her happy, then I need to be strong enough to be supportive of her. It hurts so much. If it is meant to be, it will be, despite it seeming like it is impossible. And, to some degree, I think people can make their own fate. I'm hoping one day she will bring down her wall made of diamond. I am trying to think of the best way to move on. It is so hard, but I am sure some of you have been in my place before, too. I feel like if our relationship meant anything to H at all, she would give "us" a chance. But she does not even want to entertain that idea. I don't know if being resentful towards her will help the healing process. Back to that quote..."Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you but trusting them not to"... well, she completely destroyed me. I want to be resentful at her for being selfish... for not taking the risk when we had shared so much together...for her very cold feelings towards me...ahhh it's not nice thinking this way. I promised H I would not contact her again. I think it is over now for good. I know sure as hell she will never contact me because, again, of her pride and stubbornness.. a recurring theme . She has her feelings locked up in Fort Knox now. It hurt more than you could ever imagine when she said she wanted to be in other relationships. Really? Did our relationship mean that little? As I said, I could understand if I cheated on her or something to that extent... she's ready to give up on "us" that quickly... she did not even give the relationship a fighting chance... I wish there was some way I could get through to her. Resentment: I made this list to try help me a little cope with this breakup... I know it isn't really fair on my part considering I was the one who really brought this on myself... but I have tried everything to rectify it... 1.) You were not there for me when I needed you most. 2.) If you truly loved me, you would have never given up on me so easily. 3.) I trusted you. You took advantage of that trust. 4.) The one time I bring down that wall and trust and love you unconditionally is the one time you hurt me more than anything. 5.) It took a lot for me to bring that wall down and I hate you for making me do it. 6.) You gave up on me. 7.) You did not give a **** about me. 8.) You were so cold towards me -- so indifferent with your feelings. 9.) You were selfish. You did not want to give "us" a second chance. 10.) I really wanted to be a part of your life; I felt so close to both you and your family. I did my absolute everything to show you what you and your family meant to me and you stripped that away from me. 11.) I thought you were the girl for me, but if that was the case, you would have never put me through this heartache. 12.) You incited more emotion out of me than anyone else. I wish I had not shared both my feelings for you and my life-story with you and I wish I had not made myself vulnerable. 13.) You broke my heart. I gave you my love and you "destroyed" me. 14.) I poured my heart out to you and that meant absolutely nothing to you. 15.) I put in the effort to sincerely give us a chance; you did not give a ****. 16.) So much for always being there for me whenever I need you. 17.) "I'll always fly with you" -- yeah, right. My ass. Sure, only during the "easy" times. 18.) People don't (intentionally) hurt the ones they love. 19.) I hate you. Take your superficial self somewhere else. 20.) By not giving our relationship a chance, you essentially wasted two years of my life. You were not worth the pain you caused me. It helps a little bit. No Contact: Is NC ever conducive to trying to get back in a relationship with someone you think is "the one"? I feel like the more time that goes by, the more inevitable it is for one to lose feelings for the other person. Even after 3+ months, I still have the same intense feelings for H. I really think she is the girl for me. I plan on contacting her on her birthday (June 1) and trying to this time just be a "friend" so I don't pressure her into anything. Hopefully this way I can show her I have changed and show her what she means to be in a subtle, non-overbearing way. I could write a lot more but I will keep it at that for now. If you did indeed read through that huge essay, thanks. It was helpful writing it all out. Any outside perspectives/opinions/comments or whatever would definitely be appreciated.
Fufu Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Nc is mainly and solely for yourself to move on from a broken relationship. Unfortunately in some cases, while we feel that our exes are the one for us, they do not feel the same way, thus the break up occurs. Future is unpredictable, if she is truly the one for you, she will come back to you. Personally, I find it pointless to wait around for a person who doesn't feel the same way as I do or not reciprocating to my feelings. The reason why moving on is important because people tend to be overly emotional in a relationship, especially one that doesn't work out well. Being overly emotional, you will not be able to think logically if this is the relationship you want to work out or if this is the person you truly believe he or she will not walk out on you the second time. Personally speaking, I've moved on from my ex and I do still have feelings for my ex but this feeling does not mean I have to be with him then I will be happy. Moving on is about being able to live independently and happily even without the existence of your ex in your life anymore.
VJohnson32 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Its way too long so I had to skip a few paragraphs... I know how you feel and what you are going through. From what I could tell, she is not being stubborn, she might have feelings for you but not in a romantic way as she said it in her email. She cares about you like you are her brother but the flame is gone. Which happens with years, thats a given. She doesnt want to give you a second chance for the simple reason being that she is not completely herself and happy when she was in a relationship with you. People dont change in a month, so by showing her you have changed and taking her to new places doesnt mean anything... and its all an act to take you back. Pretty obvious, we all do it but that act will last few months before you two are at your old pace. Dont make yourself look pathetic and desperate. You need to disappear from her life and never look back or hope for any reconciliation in the future. Ignore her from now on. Stand up for yourself and take no more hits, use that time now for yourself and be selfish. Nothing you do at this point can help you get her back. Your hope for reconciliation is way down the road ... in terms of years. That spark is gone and seems that is out for a good but if by any chance you two cross paths in the future I assure you sparks will be flying but dont see it happening in the upcoming months.
ganbare Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Oh my fufu, you always give such good advice. I read the whole story by the way...each and every word. It really is heartbreaking. The way you write I would have never guessed that you were the type of person that put up such a tough exterior. Well at least she is being honest about her being "selfish". I have to agree that once someone makes you just an "option" it is bad for you to make them a priority. You have shown her that you have made a real effort and she is still not taking a "risk." Do you think she is possibly seeing someone else? Since my girlfriend cheated on me and then used my insecurities and faults as a weapon for the reason for the breakup I have become very jaded. And I have seen this scenario happen over and over again. Anyway I hope you don't send anything for her birthday. Living in "limbo" is really going to kill you. You've tried to repair the damage and she is still being "selfish" for whatever reasons. It's time to let go for your own emotional well being. And don't blame yourself. It takes two to tango in a relationship. You have learned some good lessons which you can apply to your next relationship so take that as a positive. But sending those roses in June is just going to prolong your agony and delay your healing. I resisted for two months when my ex broke up with me. I beg, pleaded with her, told her how much I cared, sent audio tapes to her and all she told me was "Let's not talk about love" and "I am giving up...for now." I know the pain you are going through. Then I learned from facebook that she had been cheating on me and it wasn't really my fault. I never saw it coming. My mom suspected it but I told her she would never cheat on me but my mothers insight proved to be on target. I finally gave up too after that and have had no contact for 7 months. It still hurts I must say...I still feel a void and some resentment but I also learned she is not the right person for me and she is super selfish so she is someone else responsibility now. I wish you the best of luck, WavingFlag. Let your healing process begin and I'm sure this experience has helped you grow as a person and will make you a better partner in your next relationship.
broken-and-lost Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Hey m8, your story sounds very familiar in the way she has reacted in your attempts to reconcile, at this stage they really is nothing you can do accept take your medicine and try to heal and move on best you can try not to take it to heart people a lot older then you make the same mistakes every day your speaking to one of them....... I tried everything myself and her words to me sound similar to the words of your EX the worse thing you can do at this stage is try to cling on she will not show you any love and only stick the boot in by being totally cold and just looking after herself, you've done everything you can and it's time to look after yourself the one is you!!! i thought my girl was the one too but if she was where is she now?? your trying to make up for not being as good a boyfriend as you could have been so your willing to take the hits from her, but the best way to be the better boyfriend is to never act that way with someone new and hope you meet someone special who will treat you as you treat them....... your young and have lots of time on your hands once the pain stops make the most of it and don't balls it up again remember how your felt now in the future......... good luck buddy
love is dangerous Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) i admire this girl , remember she opened up her heart to you and you did it to her in the first place. she moved on and well done to her , now your getting your karma. this is a classic case of not knowing what you have til its gone. cant believe you were with her two years and said you only liked her must have been heartbreaking for her, you broke her heart and she aint willing to take that risk again , you have to respect that your gonna have to learn from this. but she may come back but you have to let her go , and move on yourself like she did or youll just push her away further, you done everthing you can to show her youve changed already . give her space and time . and move on yourself. all you can do is learn from your mistakes because everyone makes them,mabey this was to prepare you for the 'one' so you wont treat her this way. everything happens for a reason Edited April 17, 2011 by love is dangerous
SingVoice Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Wow. What a story. The one thing I want you to consider....how you are feeling now? Imagine how she felt for 2 years. 2 years of her life...with someone who at the time didn't give a F*** about her. Who didn't cherish her...or make her feel special...or even allow her to call you her boyfriend. Do you know how hard that was for her? She treated you like her boyfriend...but you weren't. So it's absolutely no wonder that she doesn't want you now. 2 years...and all the sudden you are different? I wouldn't believe it either. And you flat out told her you didn't love her. I mean...jeez...how crushing. And some words you just can't take back. I think this whole experience was a learning one for you. You will meet someone else...but you now know that you can't treat someone that way or you will lose them.
Author WavingFlag Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Nc is mainly and solely for yourself to move on from a broken relationship. . . Future is unpredictable, if she is truly the one for you, she will come back to you. Personally, I find it pointless to wait around for a person who doesn't feel the same way as I do or not reciprocating to my feelings. . . Moving on is about being able to live independently and happily even without the existence of your ex in your life anymore. While the thing about the NC is probably true, I also feel as if it can also (inevitably) push the other person away. I don't want H to ever think I am just giving up on her. I think if H is really the one for me, we will get back together. "Things happen for a reason" though goes only so far... I also think that we create our own fate to some extent. Finally, that last part you said sounds a lot like what H told me... she wants to be able to live her life and wants to make herself happy. I told her I can make her happy but she said she doesn't want ME to make her happy. She wants to "get to know herself" and work on the "relationship with herself" first... at first it sounded like a gentle way to not hurt my feelings. However, I later realized that she did not want to be dependent on me for her happiness and I think that part is very genuine. I know how you feel and what you are going through. From what I could tell, she is not being stubborn, she might have feelings for you but not in a romantic way as she said it in her email. She cares about you like you are her brother but the flame is gone. Which happens with years, thats a given. She doesnt want to give you a second chance for the simple reason being that she is not completely herself and happy when she was in a relationship with you. . . Dont make yourself look pathetic and desperate. You need to disappear from her life and never look back or hope for any reconciliation in the future. Ignore her from now on. . . if by any chance you two cross paths in the future I assure you sparks will be flying but dont see it happening in the upcoming months. Like I said in my initial post, I told H absolutely everything about my life. I was selfish before because I did not want to share any of that with with. This is even after she had shared some pretty hard life stories of her own with me. A lot of the time I would have to lie to her about shameful events about my family (again stuff out of my control) or even sugar-coat a lot of things. She would keep trying to probe into my life to get to know me better. Looking back, I can see how much she cared about me by wanting to know everything about me. She would slowly piece things together and say, "well, you told me this, but it doesn't make sense because you now told me that". I think I shared too much with her too soon. When I talked to her on the phone, she said she felt as if she was fulfilling the "mother figure" in my life. That is the last thing I see H as. I already made myself look "pathetic and desperate". H was honestly very stunned. When we had broken up, she said something along the lines of "and I know this isn't even going to affect you and that's going to be hard" because she knew how unemotional I was. I did not think it was going to be this hard for me. She said she was glad I was going through this because it meant she didn't waste 2 years with someone who didn't care about her and she knows now that I did. I read the whole story by the way...each and every word. It really is heartbreaking. The way you write I would have never guessed that you were the type of person that put up such a tough exterior. I'm extremely impressed you read the whole thing. It was a lot. It helps me writing it all out. When I wrote my "unabridged life story" to H, it was very long but it felt so refreshing finally sharing that with someone. She responded with: "Thank you for sharing all of that with me and I read every single word of it! It explains a lot about you. I feel like I know you a whole lot more now. I fully accept everything you said and would never ever judge you for it. It made you who were are today: a great human being with empathy for others. You went through things that not many people we know could even dream of. I hope you share at least some of your life with others, the ones that truly matter anyway, and keep talking about it with your aunt and uncle if more things come up. They can help you sort out anything else, and I know it's going to be a process coming to terms with your past and forgiving your family members, and forgiving yourself for everything that has happened. Forgiveness is key, even if you never talk to them again. I recommend John Bradshaw's books The Family, and other ones. He also has DVD's and CD's cuz i know you don't like to read He's really good at shining light on shameful pasts and dysfunctional family systems. It's helped me. I promise to not contact you until I want to give us a second chance. That is not right now, but I will consider the possibility. As I said before, I do not want to be in a relationship right now, with anyone other than myself. I need to work on that relationship first. I can see that you are changing and opening up which is a very good thing, and I hope you continue that process of opening your heart, and trusting the world. You'll be surprised at how accepting people are of those who open up to them. I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me your life story I promise to keep it to myself for as long as you want me to. I will not share that with my friends or family if you don't want me to. It is not a shameful thing to have gone through what you've gone through; it is amazing. You should write a book! Or have someone write a movie or something lol. I cried reading it, as it is very sad, but I am so impressed that you turned out how you did: a very good person. And I have no doubts that you will be a good father some day too. Take care D, good luck accepting your past. I know it's a tough journey, but it's so worth it. I hope you don't stop here. I'm still working on it as well. I will miss you, but I know this is best. Don't pass up opportunities just because you're afraid you will lose me. If you meet someone you want to be with, be with them. I want you to be happy D. I am not ready for us to happen right now. Maybe someday. I will always be there for you whenever you need me though, I hope you know that. Have a great birthday since I won't be seeing you. Enjoy your life!! Think about what you want in your life, and make it happen. All my love, H" Well at least she is being honest about her being "selfish". I have to agree that once someone makes you just an "option" it is bad for you to make them a priority. You have shown her that you have made a real effort and she is still not taking a "risk." I love your second sentence about not making someone a priority who only makes you an option. I think she doesn't want to take that risk because it would put her in a position where she would be vulnerable again, and she doesn't want to be there again (which is certainly her prerogative, especially after what she went through). Do you think she is possibly seeing someone else? Since my girlfriend cheated on me and then used my insecurities and faults as a weapon for the reason for the breakup I have become very jaded. And I have seen this scenario happen over and over again. No, I do not think she is seeing anyone else. I think she really is trying to have "that relationship with herself" first as she said. Consequently, I think it is important that I become her "friend" first as we were good friends before we became anything more. I need to get her to regain her trust in me. Before I can do that, I need to give her her space and "time to miss me." With each passing day, I feel like she slips farther and farther from me with space and time... but I know this is best for her. When I do try and be her friend, I am going to try my damn best to not pressure her in any way like I had tried to before. Thanks for all your advice and your perspective on my situation. Hey m8, your story sounds very familiar in the way she has reacted in your attempts to reconcile, at this stage they really is nothing you can do accept take your medicine and try to heal and move on best you can try not to take it to heart people a lot older then you make the same mistakes every day your speaking to one of them....... I tried everything myself and her words to me sound similar to the words of your EX the worse thing you can do at this stage is try to cling on she will not show you any love and only stick the boot in by being totally cold and just looking after herself, you've done everything you can and it's time to look after yourself the one is you!!! i thought my girl was the one too but if she was where is she now?? your trying to make up for not being as good a boyfriend as you could have been so your willing to take the hits from her, but the best way to be the better boyfriend is to never act that way with someone new and hope you meet someone special who will treat you as you treat them..... I can honestly say I have done everything possible to try and win her back. This was important for me to do so that I do not have any regrets when I look back at this later in life. I did try my best. I just hope that by me trying my best I did not inadvertently push her away farther. i admire this girl , remember she opened up her heart to you and you did it to her in the first place. she moved on and well done to her , now your getting your karma. this is a classic case of not knowing what you have til its gone. cant believe you were with her two years and said you only liked her must have been heartbreaking for her, you broke her heart and she aint willing to take that risk again , you have to respect that your gonna have to learn from this. . . everything happens for a reason Before I explain my thoughts, let me first preface it by saying I am not trying to alleviate how I treated H. I know I was selfish, I know I took her for granted, and I know I was not by any means the paragon boyfriend. Now, in my defense, H and I started this relationship on the same level. We both knew it was very casual. It was sort of a game between us to see who could show the other person they liked them less. H obviously moved on from this and was ready to share a real relationship with me. I was selfish and I did not. You are completely right when you say the banal "you don't know what you have until it's gone." As much as I dislike that saying, it is very, very true. Wow. What a story. The one thing I want you to consider....how you are feeling now? Imagine how she felt for 2 years. 2 years of her life...with someone who at the time didn't give a F*** about her. Who didn't cherish her...or make her feel special...or even allow her to call you her boyfriend. Do you know how hard that was for her? She treated you like her boyfriend...but you weren't. So it's absolutely no wonder that she doesn't want you now. 2 years...and all the sudden you are different? I wouldn't believe it either. And you flat out told her you didn't love her. I mean...jeez...how crushing. And some words you just can't take back. I think this whole experience was a learning one for you. You will meet someone else...but you now know that you can't treat someone that way or you will lose them. Like I mentioned, this whole situation was NECESSARY for me to change. I honestly think I have changed... a lot. This was the catalyst needed to really see how I was treating H. I know without a doubt that I would never revert back to my old self if I was with her. I would do those "special" things for her. I would make her feel like she is the only girl in this world that matters. Blah blah. Actions speak louder than words. It is one thing for me to say all of that and it is another thing actually showing her that it is true. I know I will never make this same mistake again which is the important thing. One more thing SingVoice... I have loved H for a long time. It was the selfish/competitive part of me that did not allow me to share this love with H until it was too late... then the floodgates opened up and it overwhelmed her. She was surprised by all the emotions/feelings that poured out and so was I... a little too many... too much, too late. It is hard to predict the future. A part of me thinks H said those cold/nonchalant things so that I would not "wait around for her" (this makes me respect her so much if this is true). Another part of me knows without a doubt that she cares about me... but possibly no deeper than the "mother figure" type role. I really hope it is not the latter. Thank you everyone for your invaluable input.
WTRanger Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Love is NOT giving someone that ability. You should never invest that much into one person that if it all goes wrong your life is essentially over. If you are that insecure about yourself that you need that much external validation from another person, you need to take some time off from the dating world to re-evaluate your life.
makelemonade1974 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I didn't read the OP because it was too long. I think WT Ranger has a point. People need to love wisely. It took me 36 years to figure this out, but I've got it now. You can't just hand over your heart because your hormones are raging. You must keep a piece of you that nobody can touch. You must have boundaries, independence, and your own sense of self and protect those things with a vengeance. You also need to be careful who you give your heart to - you never really know someone so it's always a risk. Love is a risk. Intimacy is a risk. There has to be some sort of balance.
PinkChic Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Your story (which I too read every word!) definitely tugged at my heart... My current ex boyfriend (who is a commitment phone) was also like you, had zero emotions, a hard wall and told me had not cried in well over 10 years... I can't say that he treated me like crap, because we had a very beautiful loving relationship, not once an argument up until the day before he dumped me out of the clear blue. When you said you didn't understand how someone could say they love you just 3 weeks prior... my ex and I made passionate love 5 days prior, and he told me he loved me more than ever 2 days prior to saying we were over for good. I commend you, I really do. Reading and researching personalities such as yours (and my ex's) I know it's an "illness" and I don't mean that in a harsh way, but in reality it really is. I give you more credit in the world for being able to recognize this at your age. The first step in any problem is realizing you HAVE a problem. Kudos to you on that. I don't think she is being all that selfish or stubborn, I think she is genuinely scared to be in a relationship. I have to agree with the person that said she carried this image of you in her head for 2 years, you can't expect that to change overnight. I know your scared that time apart will allow her to have less feelings for you... but I can tell you if it is true love and it is meant to be, time apart will only create MORE feelings. I know your hurting, as am I, along with a lot of people on this board. Break ups really do bring out the worst in a lot of people. Once again, I really commend you for realizing you have a problem and wanting to change. That says a lot about you and I think you will make a wonderful boyfriend the next time around. Keep your chin up!
Author WavingFlag Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 I needed some time to reflect on how I felt since my initial post. First of all, WTRanger: I think I could perhaps re-phrase that… maybe “Love is giving someone the ability to hurt you, but trusting them not to.” While I do feel destroyed, I now realize that I should never give anyone that much “power” (for lack of a better word) over me… not at least until I know they will not “destroy” me (but then again I thought H was the girl I could spend the rest of my life with and never fathomed this ever happening) – so I guess you never really do know. It has nothing to do with me being insecure with myself. It makes a relationship that much more special being able to trust and share your life with someone unconditionally. Makelemonade1974: you are spot-on when you say “Love is a risk. Intimacy is a risk.” While I regret having shared all my feelings, emotions and what not with H so soon, I am still glad I took the risk to tell her that I loved her even if she does not feel the same way. Whereas before H, if someone asked me if I have TRULY ever loved someone, I could maybe give a hesitant “yeah I think I did”. However, if asked this same question now by someone any time in the future, I can proudly say “yes, I definitely did.” H has changed me in more ways than you can ever imagine (in an extremely good way)… so if nothing else comes from this, at least she gave me that. PinkChic: it was extremely unfortunate that I was unable to really share my emotions and feelings prior to this break-up with H. It was a problem. This break-up was the catalyst needed to really open me up and really make me realize what an amazing gem H was. So yes, I know I had that problem not opening up to the girl I love and I know I will never make that same mistake again. I remember for the longest time being uncomfortable at not knowing who “the one” for me would be. After all, there are millions and millions of girls out there. Depending where you are, whether it is in Arizona, Alaska, Brazil, Australia or wherever, you will inevitably find the person you think is “the one.” There are a lot of candidates to meet that criteria. On that same token, I think it ultimately comes down to who you WANT to make “the one” – at the end of the day, weighing up their negative aspects to the positive aspects and then making a decision whether you can see yourself with this person indefinitely. H is that girl. “I don't think she is being all that selfish or stubborn, I think she is genuinely scared to be in a relationship. I have to agree with the person that said she carried this image of you in her head for 2 years, you can't expect that to change overnight. I know your scared that time apart will allow her to have less feelings for you... but I can tell you if it is true love and it is meant to be, time apart will only create MORE feelings.” It is her prerogative to take as much time as she needs. She deserved much more and I know it is going to take a lot of time to show her that I really do care about her and that I really do love her. Your last sentence was said very well and I agree completely. Deep down, I really do see myself getting back together with this girl. While I do not see that happening any time soon, I think if it does eventually happen we will be inseparable. Hopefully I can come back to these forums two years from now to share that I am back with this amazing girl… or who knows, I could be in another fantastic relationship. The cards will unfold as they are meant to. Thank you for your perspective on my situation. These forums have really helped me cope throughout this ordeal. So how do I feel now? Well, even though it has been 3.5 months since the break-up, I still think about H every day. It is a little different though in that I have come to terms that I have lost her and it is surprisingly comforting knowing that she has her space and she is happy. I really do want her to be happy, even if that does not include me… and I think that is a huge jump from how I felt a couple months ago. I know, however long it may take, that if she does want to give me “another chance,” she will come to me… and if that day never comes… well, then there is really not much I can do about it. Looking back, I can say that I really did try everything (more than I should have), and that is what matters most. I’m going on three weeks of absolute no contact and I know that is the absolute best thing I can do for H at the moment. Thanks again, everyone.
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