That_girl Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I've had three serious relationships at this point. The most recent has totally screwed my up. We were dating for about 6 months and it was the most emotional and intense period ever. I do love him, but he had cheated at the very beginning of the relationship and became a totally different person after I agreed to take him back. I ended it about 3 weeks ago. I couldn't take it anymore, I constantly felt ****ty and I felt as though he has the capacity to become abusive. I'm not even sure if he already has been. He has grabbed me by the arms and shook me a few times, or physically restrained me if I had tried to leave. Also he punches things when he gets upset and it can be really scary. I'm getting to the point where I'm almost positive I did the right thing by ending it. But sometimes I feel like since I'm the one that ended it, I should go crawling back to him. I gave him an opportunity to talk to me last week, and he doesn't see that what he does is wrong. He says he is sorry that him hitting walls hurts me, but that he would never HURT me. And that he can't help it if he has to punch a wall every now and then. I don't know what to believe anymore. My ego is severely damaged at this point because he is no longer showering me with gifts and letters like he did after he cheated. This makes me feel like it IS my fault somehow. Maybe I pushed too hard, maybe I got angry too often. Maybe I always resented him for cheating and repeatedly made him pay for it. Maybe I took out all of my trust issues on him by getting upset at jokes, comments he made. I know that a lot of what he said was said intentionally to put me down. His 'jokes' or comments, or 'concerns' were often very critical and condescending. But I can't help but feel like he's finally deciding to get over me now because it was my fault. I want him back for those good times we had. That emotional bond that I've never felt with anyone else. That beautiful face of his. The warmth of his body and the touch of his lips. It just seems like all of the things I love him are also a threat to me. His sensitivity was so adorable at first, but then I saw that he's not exactly emotionally healthy. He has a bad temper, and often thought I was using him or that I didn't love him enough. When in reality, I love him enough to consider putting up with all of his bull****. The fact that he's goodlooking and talented doesnt help matters either because it just means it will be easier for him to cheat on me again in the future. His lack of self-control with regard to his temper, and the inability to control himself from the peer pressure that made him take those drugs on the night that he cheated really scares me. I love and hate this guy all at the same time. It's like I want him to continue the begging and crying. It's so wrong on my part, what is wrong with me?? I dumped him. And I'm having plenty of trouble trying to stick to it. I told him that I really missed him and that I still loved him last week. But he said he needs time.
Jerrica Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 hey there, your ex sounds identical to mine......let me tell you, the grabbing your arms and shaking you IS physical abuse, restraining you when you tried to leave is personal confinement, you could charge him with these things....and he could go to jail for them. I also completely understand that you still love him. abusive relationships are SOOO hard to let go of, almost like a drug addiction. I knew what he was doing was wrong, but could never find it in me to leave, he had beaten me down too low. Eventually, he left me. So at least you had the dignity to leave yourself, as I was cheated on, used, abused and thrown to the curb! That does not feel nice! My ex was good looking too, and VERY charming when he wanted to be and it worked every time. your ex's actions are NOT okay......and unfortunately I know exactly what you went through. My ex did not punch me either, but he did the shaking thing, throw me on the couch, punch walls. If you don't get out dear the abuse could get WORSE!!! But i Know how you feel, I love my ex STILL and miss him SO much, even through all the horrible things he did we will get better though!
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