green_tea Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) So I've been emailing a guy from OKC, and I'm meeting him tomorrow night for a drink. Problem is, I'm 40, and he is only 31. Am I being stupid in even meeting up with him? Is it obvious that all he is looking for is at most a fwb type thing? Just to make it clear, I am not. I do often get younger guys contacting me online, and usually tell them sorry you're much too young for me, good luck. Normally my age cut off is 35, and I would never even consider someone as young as this. But this guy just appeared so much more mature than his age...so I kept emailing. I just wonder why he's bothering with me - he's a really attractive and smart guy, and shouldn't have any problems getting younger women to go out with him. I know he also loves kids, so surely he wants some of his own...so why ask out a 40 year old woman. I know nobody knows what he wants from me except him...I guess I will find out tomorrow where this is headed. I know there are a few older women online dating on here...wondering if any of them would (or have) meet up with a guy this much younger and how you respond to young guys that except for their age, are great? Edited April 17, 2011 by green_tea
Jazzari Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I won't date anyone who is more than 5 years younger than I am. I get alot of requests from younger men because I look about 10 years younger than my real age. But I always turn then down. 1. I won't keep my younger looks forever. How will he see me in the future? 2. I'm past the age where I want children. It's possible for a guy to have children with a younger woman. I worry that may be a problem. 3. I have reverse age discrimination. No matter how mature he is, or how great, I will always think of him as less experienced than I, and that would bother me. And when I'm ready to retire and travel, he'll still be working.
spiderowl Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) Some guys seem to see it as a fun challenge to snag an older woman and get her into bed. Others are just attracted and don't really know why themselves, they just are. A few, very few in my opinion, are very mature and intelligent and have found they need someone similar. They sometimes decide they can only find this in an older woman. The first bunch are a pain in the wotsit and it's in your interests to filter them out. The second are genuine in being interested but most will not have thought it through properly. The third group are potentially interesting but again, may not have thought things through. A ten-year difference is not huge and it can work. I would have thought if you have a good connection online and you've covered things like does he want a family, then it's worth considering meeting. When you meet, you will find out whether he is too immature mentally or not. I did meet a very genuine guy like this who was more than 10 years my junior but unfortunately, it was just so obvious he was from a different generation - the language was different, the attitude to women different - much more casual and informal than my own age group would treat me, and it just felt wrong to me. I do feel I may have missed out on an interesting time though if not a long-term relationship. A lasting, for-life relationship though - probably not. I did want to avoid being hurt by a young guy losing interest. As I see it, he has a long time in which to find new relationships if it doesn't work out with me, but I have less time left and so I don't want to risk mistakes. Of course, if you are physically attracted to him and can bear to have him lose interest after a while, then you can always consider a fling. It's an option. You really do need to suss out his motivation first before deciding anything. It's a tricky area. Good luck whatever you decide. Edited April 17, 2011 by spiderowl
xpaperxcutx Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 So at age 40, what are your priorities/goals? Women have one of two things- career or family- and most, juggle both. I'm assuming you're a career woman seeming as you seemed dissonant when you mentioned this (I know he also loves kids, so surely he wants some of his own...so why ask out a 40 year old woman.) I don't think there's anything wrong with labeling yourself a " cougar" because even at your age, you're a catch. And as they say, age is a but a number. So then you focus on other things, maturity, expectations and priorities. If Mr. BoyToy is only good for fun then obviously, a drink wouldn't do you any harm. Stop seeing the problem as him wasting his time; it's whether you're wasting yours. At the end of the day, it's still your decision whether you want to pursue anything short-term/long-term.
OliveOyl Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I don't see 9 years younger as out of the ballpark. I'd date someone nine years younger, although it would make me a bit concerned/mildly insecure at times (would he start looking for a younger hot chick, etc.). I'm not into the "cougar" thing though. I could never see myself like that. 9 years younger is probably the youngest I'd consider though. But who knows?
lolo1234 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I think Spiderowl covered it for me. I'm 34 and I won't date anyone less than 30. I know that's not a huge difference but i have 2 kids and if he doesn't have any then I know this is going to be an issue. I've toyed with the idea of going out with a younger guy just for fun but younger guys without the responsibilities of children tend to have more time on their hands and want to see me more than I'm able to.
Author green_tea Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Thanks for the replies ladies, it's helped me see things a little clearer. Jazzari regarding losing your youthful looks, I figure if we both look the same age now, then looking older than him in the future shouldn't (hopefully) be a problem...though you don't really know I guess. Thanks spiderowl, I do think this guy is genuine, as in not just after a challenge, but it seems he may not have thought things through properly - especially in a recent email how he was gushing over his 6 month old niece. paper - my goal is to find a guy for the long haul. I love kids myself, but obviously having left it this late it probably isn't going to happen, but I would probably try if I had the opportunity (and no I'm not desperate to and not why I'm online dating - my only goal is to find someone to settle down with). OliveOyl, I agree 9 years isn't too bad, although it's more the having kids thing that is worrying me. Who knows maybe he doesn't really want his own - I just assumed he did by the way he spoke of his niece. I'm probably worrying too much.
musemaj11 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 The only way I would settle with an older woman is if she were richer than me. Otherwise, it would be a dumb decision since there would be no long term benefit at all for me.
oaks Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 So I've been emailing a guy from OKC, and I'm meeting him tomorrow night for a drink. Problem is, I'm 40, and he is only 31. Am I being stupid in even meeting up with him? Is it obvious that all he is looking for is at most a fwb type thing? Just to make it clear, I am not. It doesn't seem "obvious" that he's looking for fwb from what you've said here. Maybe he thinks you are attractive - wouldn't that be a good reason to want to meet you?
musemaj11 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 And when I'm ready to retire and travel, he'll still be working. But if its the reverse, its okay, right?
Author green_tea Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 The only way I would settle with an older woman is if she were richer than me. Otherwise, it would be a dumb decision since there would be no long term benefit at all for me. So you would use a woman for money? How do you feel if a woman uses you for money only?
Author green_tea Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 It doesn't seem "obvious" that he's looking for fwb from what you've said here. Maybe he thinks you are attractive - wouldn't that be a good reason to want to meet you? Yep it definitely doesn't seem like he is looking for fwb, and I do have good pictures, but surely he could find a younger attractive woman. Why me? I guess I might find out tomorrow
gaius Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) Some men just prefer being with a partner who's older, no matter what their options are. Hugh Jackman has been married to a woman 13 years his senior for almost 15 years, and I don't think he really suffers from a limited selection. She wasn't all that young looking in the most recent pictures I saw of her either, and he doesn't seem to care. Enjoy your date! Edited April 17, 2011 by gaius
Cee Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I've dated younger men via OKC and I did get the sense that most of them weren't serious. It was mostly about having experience with an older woman. I hated that and it was demoralizing. However, there was one man who was 31 who was into me (I'm 41), but I wasn't attracted to him. The good thing about my OKC experience is that I became open to dating younger men. I stopped online dating and went back to meeting men in real life. A young guy asked me out and I took a chance and said yes. I knew it was a crapshoot because he's 24, but we were compatible and I liked him. He is unconventional in that he doesn't want to have children. His best friend is life partners with a woman 13 years older than him. He and I have a perfectly mature and loving relationship. I take things day by day though. I don't want to think to hard about this. Yes, we will have obstacles other couples don't have. But we also have assets and we are very well matched. By the way, my sister is married to a man 9 years younger. She was 35 when they became a couple and have two children. They were friends first and fell in love. My sister has been supportive and helpful in my unusual relationship. My story is rare and the take away lesson is, be open for whoever is interested. Let love happen.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 A good friend of mine is 40, and she almost exclusively dates men 25-35. She doesn't look for them -- it's just that given her lifestyle, interests, and youthful spirit, that's who she attracts. After spending 10 years with a guy she was never that physically attracted to, now she wants someone she's very attracted to, so the younger, fitter guys are more appealing to her. She's in fantastic shape and doesn't like that most men around her age and older are out of shape. I think she has had about the same rate of success with younger men that she has with men her age and older. It is becoming more and more common for younger men and older women to get together, and I think it's a positive development. One of my sisters is in her 50s and is married to a man in his 30s who is an awesome husband and seems just crazy about her. I used to write younger men off completely, but now I won't. I might have let some really cool guys go simply because they were younger.
motive2002 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Go out. Have fun. It's a date after all. Leave your expectations at the door and stop over-analyzing the whole thing. Why is it some women want to determine a man's long-term relationship potential from the very nano-second they meet? No wonder women are so frustrated with dating (and in turn the men as well)
Ruby Slippers Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Why is it some women want to determine a man's long-term relationship potential from the very nano-second they meet? Because most of us want a long-term partner, and we know that certain things are automatic deal-breakers, so we don't want to waste our time.
Professor X Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Excuse me green_tea, but I don't see how age is relevant here other than the case with having kids which you are far far from. Some men just overlook age, after all, it's just a number. I was once in a 1yr RS with a woman who is 12! years older than me and I can tell you I did not date her for her money (she was very poor) or her looks (though she looked fairly good) or for the challenge (there wasn't) or cause I got fetish for old women (cause I don't - my current SO is my age and before her my ex' was 4yrs younger then me) or for whatever nonsense reasons people were giving here. The 1 and only reason I was with her in a RS was because she was so young in her spirit and soul, I've never seen something like that! And as I mentioned above, the only relevant thing in this kind of RS are kids, which is why we broke up, she didn't want any while I did.
motive2002 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Because most of us want a long-term partner, and we know that certain things are automatic deal-breakers, so we don't want to waste our time. Automatic deal-breaker? Is this before you've even met the person; assuming you've met online? I've had some really terrific relationships in the past that, looking back had we met on a dating site we would have never connected at all over what some would call "automatic deal-breakers". I guess it's all down to how serious those deal breakers are... or if maybe the person is just being too fussy. BUT, rather than trying to quantify my every decision, I think I'll go have some fun instead. Those little deal-breakers might not be so obstructive if the person turns out to be pretty awesome. Or maybe I'm just tired of hearing that term altogether. Just seems like a nice way to say "superficial".
musemaj11 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 So you would use a woman for money? How do you feel if a woman uses you for money only? 99% of women in this world are marrying men richer than themselves. Are you calling them all gold diggers then?
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