Kasm296 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Me and my husband have been together for 20 years. We started dating when I was 18 and he was 19. We have 2 children 18 and 15 yo girls (one who is very challenging ...autism spectrum and multiple health issues). He has been for the most part a great husband we have had our share of challenges but also some really good times as well. The last year or two has been very difficult. We got into a pretty big fight 3 weeks ago...he said he was leaving...I helped him pack it was awful...however he ended up finding a place to stay. He is saying that he has not been happy for awhile but still says he is in love with me...he definitely is still sexually attracted to me but says he is really confused. He does not want to ping pong and says he needs space to decide if he wants to go forward with divorce or try to work on our marriage but says right now he is just not happy with himself and it has more to do with him and where he is at then me. He does not want to come home and have things go back to how they were I think because we have been together so long and from such a young age he may be feeling like he missed out although has been very clear that being with any other women is the furthest thing from his mind. He says that in order to make the right decision we need to temporarily stay away from each other and cannot sleep together because when we do he feels even more confused. I am not sure what I should do or not do. I am going to respect his wishes because I love him but any advice on how to get relief from the psychological strain on having the man you love go through this and your the last person in the world that can help him..I feel so helpless and lost. I know I just need to focus on myself and the girls any suggestions especially from a guys perspective would be greatly appreciated.
linwood Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 What was the fight about? What is getting him down exactly? Kinda hard to offer advice if we can`t know where his mind may be. There must be something more.
1784 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Hi Kasm296. I'm sorry for what you're going through. My broken relationship was 3+ years but we weren't married, didn't have kids, etc. I know that this must really shake the foundation in which you live. So I'm sorry. I don't think a male perspective (of which I am giving you) or a female perspective is really going to differ much in your situation. The perspective I'm going to give you is just a human one. You have to let go. Not of your marriage, of course, but of trying to control. You can't make up his mind for him. You can't make him come back. You can't make him do what's good for the family. You can't make him do anything. And if you try you'll only put more pressure on a man who is already struggling with a lot of pressure. So you have to ease off and leave him be. It's perhaps the hardest thing to do but it's the most essential. I am sure you want your husband to be happy, right? Well then you have to let him realize what he has. Sometimes this requires time and space. I wish it didn't. I really do. I'm going through something sort of similar but not exactly. Your husband needs to get his head screwed on straight. It sounds like he's just in a weird place. Don't blame yourself at all. it serves no purpose. Just let him come to his own conclusions without any more pressure. He's going to come to those conclusions anyway, regardless of what you say or do. He'll just come to them a lot sooner and more clearly if he has ample time to do so. You say you feel helpless. I understand that feeling. But honestly, if you really love him then let him go. Hopefully he'll come back under his own accord. That's what you want anyway. I'm not a HUGE proponent of giving people quotes as answers, especially ones that have been beaten to death; but in this case I'm going to make an exception. "If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was." It's really true. Let go. Give him some time (not forever, obviously, as you have a family to think about, not to mention your own happiness). See where it goes. I know I can't help much but hopefully that gives you some perspective. We're all here for you. You are not alone. Everything is going to be okay no matter what happens. I promise.
Author Kasm296 Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 The fight was about nothing really but transformed into something completely different. We both had a few drinks and then he just freaked saying he was done...He says he isn't happy with his life right now. We have a nice home, 2 kids, a dog...but our life is consumed with our old daughter who has issues (almost died last year hospitalized 8 times altogether) He says doesn't know who he is or what he wants anymore. A little background but of course this is from my perspective I don't know if he would agree. His brother died 3 years ago and the memorial service is coming up..he has been constantly making comments about "getting old" although he is only 39. He is constantly talking about his grays. He said the night of the fight he is worried that if he doesn't do something now he will be 46 and regretting it. He does keep saying he loves me but he just is unsure and doesn't want to come home to feel unhappy again and then have to leave again...which I completely agree. I just am confused...sorry if I am not making sense. We just decided today to stay away from each other for awhile to figure things out without the distraction of sex/emotion to see if he/we will be better off.
Scott72 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 All you can do at this point is give him the space he needs to try and work though this. Let him know how you feel and how much you want the marriage to work out, and if he does still love you like he says, he'll come back. If he doesn't then he won't. Don't push him though, or you may end up pushing him away.
Scott72 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 The fight was about nothing really but transformed into something completely different. We both had a few drinks and then he just freaked saying he was done...He says he isn't happy with his life right now. We have a nice home, 2 kids, a dog...but our life is consumed with our old daughter who has issues (almost died last year hospitalized 8 times altogether) He says doesn't know who he is or what he wants anymore. A little background but of course this is from my perspective I don't know if he would agree. His brother died 3 years ago and the memorial service is coming up..he has been constantly making comments about "getting old" although he is only 39. He is constantly talking about his grays. He said the night of the fight he is worried that if he doesn't do something now he will be 46 and regretting it. He does keep saying he loves me but he just is unsure and doesn't want to come home to feel unhappy again and then have to leave again...which I completely agree. I just am confused...sorry if I am not making sense. We just decided today to stay away from each other for awhile to figure things out without the distraction of sex/emotion to see if he/we will be better off. It sounds like he may be having a hard time dealing with getting older, and he's questioning whether there's something out there he's missing. Hopefully this is just a mid-life crisis thing, and soon he'll realize what he has at home and come back. I would suggest counseling and see if he's open to that. If he truly loves you, he'll do whatever it takes to figure this out.
worlybear Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 The fight was about nothing really but transformed into something completely different. We both had a few drinks and then he just freaked saying he was done...He says he isn't happy with his life right now. We have a nice home, 2 kids, a dog...but our life is consumed with our old daughter who has issues (almost died last year hospitalized 8 times altogether) He says doesn't know who he is or what he wants anymore. A little background but of course this is from my perspective I don't know if he would agree. His brother died 3 years ago and the memorial service is coming up..he has been constantly making comments about "getting old" although he is only 39. He is constantly talking about his grays. He said the night of the fight he is worried that if he doesn't do something now he will be 46 and regretting it. He does keep saying he loves me but he just is unsure and doesn't want to come home to feel unhappy again and then have to leave again...which I completely agree. I just am confused...sorry if I am not making sense. We just decided today to stay away from each other for awhile to figure things out without the distraction of sex/emotion to see if he/we will be better off. Uhhhhmmmm....Just going to raise this as a possibility- do you think there might be someone else in the background? No offence but there are a myriad of excuses being offered for his strange behaviour and I've experienced this myself.......
linwood Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Do you guys have time alone? Do things just for and with each other? From what you say it sounds like there`s a lot of stress in your family, he might be feeling like it will never end. Maybe he just needs to be reminded of what it`s like to be alone and intimate having fun with you. Maybe he needs someone to turn on the light at the end of the tunnel.
Kidd Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I'm a male so I guess I qualify... I just managed to get my wife to change her mind after she said she was thinking about a separation. It was devastating. We have been together 17 years, married 11 and with two kids, 8 and 4. And I'm only 40. In the short term, I cried like a baby for two days. And I don't do that. It was awful. I had no idea what to do and was just broken. She had said that she wasn't passionately in love with me anymore and that she didn't think she could be ever again. And she said it twice. Like I said, DEVASTATED. She needed time to think about it. I said it sounded like she had already decided but was afraid to say so. She said that was probably true. Ugh! What a hopeless situation and the worst was yet to come. Anyway, there is good news. I read some wonderful posts on this site (keep coming here for support) and others. The best message I took was: be confident. This is so counter-intuitive that its unreal. Long story short, they have to see that the grass is not greener on the other side. A lot of people get back together after a break-up. How does that happen? They have to decide it on their own. You cannot change their mind. A lot of advice will say, NC (which stands for "no contact.") It's a standard, smart, necessary, and ridiculously difficult piece of advice. The more desperately you try to convince them, the longer it will take. The other piece is that you need to get your own head on straight. I'm not saying it isn't. But, the reality is that there is nothing attractive about desperation and everything attractive about a confident and put-together woman. Upon reading this kind of advice, I immediately changed strides (and I mean overnight). No more crying (at least no where near her). I had to exude confidence that I was going to be fine. Wow was that difficult. Part of my problem had been that I had been a bit of a loser over about the past year. My wife was succeeding like a rock star at work, made new friends, etc.. I took a 30% pay cut at work and a lot of insult with the injury. I have no real hobbies, no real friends, just a lot of responsibilities. I expect you know the routine. While I was responsible and a good husband and father, I just wasn't happy and wasn't doing much about it. I starting making serious positive changes. Without mentioning anything to her, I scheduled an overdue doctor's appointment (seems silly but she would have done that for me in the past), I quit smoking, joined a gym, focused on my appearance (ironed clothes before work, etc), scheduled my own therapist, refused to sit in front of the TV. I also tackled house chores that had simply been let go. She was afraid that I was just doing all this to make her happy. But, it was clear that I wasn't doing these things for her. I didn't advertise it and when asked, I said that I simply had been sorry for myself for too long and that it was going to change, period. I told her I was getting my own head on straight (remember to keep your distance) and that she hadn't seen the best of me yet. I said she could be along for the ride or not. It took her about 2-3 days to notice all of these little things and I just haven't stopped. The reality is that if I want her back, I have to be damn attractive and if I wasn't going to get her back, I had to get going in the right direction. To my amazement, it has worked. It's only been like 5 days and she's really excited about spending an evening together tomorrow and I think it is because she got her man back. I'm staying confident (even though I am nervous as hell with the things she had said). I'm going to continue to better myself and I guarantee she'll fall in love with me again. We agreed to joint marriage counseling as a next step but I think we're already recovered at least to where there is no imminent break-up (which initially seemed unavoidable). It's not over by any means but I managed a complete 180 and I can't believe how grateful I am for the advice I read on this forum. You need to find some way to do something similar. Don't beg, don't plead. Leave him alone. And make yourself completely irresistible for your own reasons. Don't chase him. Leave yourself as the option he wants. It's horrendously difficult to do but speaking from very recent experience, this is the only way. 1
1784 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 That was a TREMENDOUSLY inspiring post, Kidd. Honestly. Phenomenal! Keep on keeping on. I think we ALL could learn something from you and your display of self. Way to go, man. Simply fantastic.
Author Kasm296 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Thank you so much for the advice. My post was not meant to offer a myriad of excuses but to give more detail as requested. My husband is a man of great charecter and is such an amazing man and I would be shocked if he was cheating. We definitely have not had any one on one time lately due to all that has been going on (although we r intimate that has never been the issue) but not going out and just having fun. I am going to respect his wishes and leave the rest to god. I am going to focus on myself and the girls ...such great advice. I know either way I will be fine but I do love him and feel helpless. Thank you for your comments they have helped more then you will know
Steadfast Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Long story short, they have to see that the grass is not greener on the other side. A lot of people get back together after a break-up. How does that happen? They have to decide it on their own. You cannot change their mind. No matter what the situation, when one spouse declares their feelings have changed the above information is all you need to understand. Really. That isn't to say you can't be supportive (reassuring, not manipulative) but there is nothing you can "do" to make someone see it the way you want. He already knows you love him. Be it MLC or a combination of issues, the only way he's going to do what's right is if he wants to. It's that simple. You can't do it for him, no matter how hard you try. Only he can decide for him. For now, do what you already know is best; taking care of you and your kids. Like someone said above, if he loves you, he'll be there. How much time you're willing to spend depends on what he does while away. Some things are hard to take back. Great post kidd-
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Me and my husband have been together for 20 years. We started dating when I was 18 and he was 19. We have 2 children 18 and 15 yo girls (one who is very challenging ...autism spectrum and multiple health issues). He has been for the most part a great husband we have had our share of challenges but also some really good times as well. The last year or two has been very difficult. We got into a pretty big fight 3 weeks ago...he said he was leaving...I helped him pack it was awful...however he ended up finding a place to stay. He is saying that he has not been happy for awhile but still says he is in love with me...he definitely is still sexually attracted to me but says he is really confused. He does not want to ping pong and says he needs space to decide if he wants to go forward with divorce or try to work on our marriage but says right now he is just not happy with himself and it has more to do with him and where he is at then me. He does not want to come home and have things go back to how they were I think because we have been together so long and from such a young age he may be feeling like he missed out although has been very clear that being with any other women is the furthest thing from his mind. He says that in order to make the right decision we need to temporarily stay away from each other and cannot sleep together because when we do he feels even more confused. I am not sure what I should do or not do. I am going to respect his wishes because I love him but any advice on how to get relief from the psychological strain on having the man you love go through this and your the last person in the world that can help him..I feel so helpless and lost. I know I just need to focus on myself and the girls any suggestions especially from a guys perspective would be greatly appreciated. Now this is just the kind of a post that really fits well at LS !!! You guys have so much going for you... including retaining mostly pretty good feelings and regard for one another despite having married so young and been caused to grow up quickly that way. I'm guessing you have the strong urge to be 'contributing something' toward the evolution of future events going in the direction you would prefer. It is so difficult to just sit back and do nothing... believing that merely "waiting" will somehow MAKE it happen to your satisfaction. Given everything... (and after replaying the logic of what I just wrote, in my head)... I cannot think of a better situation where "WAITING (it out)" would be more sensible, NOR can I think of any other course of ACTION which would have a better chance of getting you where YOU wish to be. Pretend it isn't YOUR SITUATION... and it isn't YOU who is facing this puzzle... If you were reading a book, and seeing just this scenario, wouldn't you anticipate that one or the other partner would DO SOMETHING (in an attempt to get the same resolution that you want now)... and would only bungle things up beyond the point of (no) return?? Human psychology really DOES make us want to keep 'investing ourselves' in the same environment, vs. going out to plant seeds in every port... so if you invest most of your soul right now in your husband very probably being drawn back by that instinct... then perhaps in that resolve you can find the strength to avoid 'ACTION' when a lack of same is your best bet. Very interesting...
trippi1432 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Hi Kasm - I'm so sorry for your situation, but hopefully you can find some support here to help you through this low point. When my husband left almost two years ago, our MC pretty much thought it was a mid-life crisis...my situation goes much deeper...but I thought that this article at Divorce Busting might be of some help. There is a lot of good reading there and many from LS have used Divorce Busting's resources as well as Marriage Builders. http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/surviving-your-husbands-midlife-crisis/ Hang in there and work on staying strong for you and your children.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 He's unhappy and he's worried about accepting that as his fate. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this but there's no button to push to make it all go away. I think you should probably prepare yourself to meet your worst fears and think about what you do if he does want to divorce. My brother is going through this now. He has two daughters. But his wife is impossible whereas you don't sound bad at all. I like my brother's wide as a person but she treats him with contempt and impatience in front of other people. And I'd die before I put up with that from anyone. My mom treated my dad that way. I just ain't havin' it. Good luck in whatever happens.
robf1971 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Me and my husband have been together for 20 years. We started dating when I was 18 and he was 19. We have 2 children 18 and 15 yo girls (one who is very challenging ...autism spectrum and multiple health issues). He has been for the most part a great husband we have had our share of challenges but also some really good times as well. The last year or two has been very difficult. We got into a pretty big fight 3 weeks ago...he said he was leaving...I helped him pack it was awful...however he ended up finding a place to stay. He is saying that he has not been happy for awhile but still says he is in love with me...he definitely is still sexually attracted to me but says he is really confused. He does not want to ping pong and says he needs space to decide if he wants to go forward with divorce or try to work on our marriage but says right now he is just not happy with himself and it has more to do with him and where he is at then me. He does not want to come home and have things go back to how they were I think because we have been together so long and from such a young age he may be feeling like he missed out although has been very clear that being with any other women is the furthest thing from his mind. He says that in order to make the right decision we need to temporarily stay away from each other and cannot sleep together because when we do he feels even more confused. I am not sure what I should do or not do. I am going to respect his wishes because I love him but any advice on how to get relief from the psychological strain on having the man you love go through this and your the last person in the world that can help him..I feel so helpless and lost. I know I just need to focus on myself and the girls any suggestions especially from a guys perspective would be greatly appreciated. I'm really sorry to say this, but you need to find out if there is anyone else involved here, if there is, all the efforts you put in to repairing your marriage will be in vain. There are a number of red flags in your situation. Remember even if your husband has just been chatting to someone on facebook or online, this is an emotional affair. Keylogger on his computer, check cell/mobile bills etc, any weird texting habits or numbers that keep coming up? If there is then a different course of action is needed. I've been through exactly the same situation with my wife, my marriage was DOOMED 8 months ago. Today we are reconciled, so take heart.
Author Kasm296 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 I would not feel ok violating his trust like that. If there is anyone else it will all come out in the wash, my instinct says he isnt. Right now I think the best advice is inaction. I definitely am not someone who will beg however he does know what I want. Right now to get through I will take the advice that it is happe.ing to someone else and just distance myself emotionally....thanks for all the great advice...it IS helping
Author Kasm296 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 I would not feel ok violating his trust like that. If there is anyone else it will all come out in the wash, my instinct says he isnt. Right now I think the best advice is inaction. I definitely am not someone who will beg however he does know what I want. Right now to get through I will take the advice that it is happe.ing to someone else and just distance myself emotionally....thanks for all the great advice...it IS helping
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