How 2 make it WORK the 2nd time around

[don't-kill-the-msngr]

so listen, be blunt.

 

My ex wants me back. We dated on and off for about 6 years.. neither of us wanted to be married at this time and we both had things to do and so the relationship would linger when we both got busy (or avoided it).. and then eventually we would miss each other (usually when you try to go find someone new and it just makes you think about how much you liked your ex).. and we've BOTH been like that..

 

We usually only fell apart for a 3-4 months at a time.. just a break I guess..

 

WELL, a year and a half ago, I went back to school and I didn't have time for him.. school, full time job, mother of a multi-sport athlete.. Lets just say it was really easy to let things go because I had other things going on in my life.. and he broke up with me.. I just didn't try to get him back either..

 

 

He's come back and said he wants to try and put things back and not have the in n out thing..

 

My deepest concern is this.. We both know WHY we fell apart each time, clear as day, but we don't know HOW to make things happen differently. How to change the things that triggered a distancing..

 

You can say talk, but he's no talker.. hence the action of distancing..

 

You can say counseling, but he's no talker.

 

We are talking a very old style redneck in the south. Alabama.. For him to come back to me is HUGE.. a major 1st.

 

He's made it clear he wants me back, and its up to me. Thats another huge realization.. giving me the control to call the shots.. He's a man's man.. if you know what I'm saying..

 

 

I do want to be with him, but I want it to be done right.. if we just start dating slow, or rush into things.. nothing will change.

 

In no time, we will just be remembering why we are apart.

 

 

I'm afraid he will hurt me, he is afraid I will hurt him.. so you are hesistant.. we both want things to change but the FIRST time the other one slips back into an old habit.. I just know that it will be all over.

 

"I'm trying to change and you aren't"..

 

Heck.. I even told him No, it won't work, we will just end up falling apart and never see each other, I might get a bit pushy about something and you will get stubborn, or I might not want to back down on something.. and then we won't talk for a good bit.. Let's just be friends like we are.

 

 

 

Well. NOW he says

 

"I met someone and its nothing at this point. Her friend is trying to get me to call her cause she likes me.

I'm coming to you FIRST this time. I've told you time n time again that when I date other people, I just end up missing you. So this time, I'm coming to YOU first.. I want to spend my time with you before I give this other girl the indication that I am available. Do you want to make this work or not?"

 

 

I won't lie, I was a little mad because I thought.. if you wanted to be with me, why didn't say you weren't interested.. just act flattered but say you are interested in someone already.. but thanks.

 

He hasn't called her, but he left that door open to call her. In the past, I have ALWAYS come to him first and said "Hey, I'm just giving you a heads up that I'm fiixin to start seeing someone else. I just wanted you to know that before I persued talking to them. I'm interested in seeing where this goes.. ".. And this is during those 3 or so months we were apart.. we didnt SAY it was over and I didn't want to feel like I wasnt being upfront to him.

 

But I never said Hey man, either you date me or Im dating someone else.

 

 

 

I told him I'd think about it. I told him it didn't help knowing he was the kind of guy who would waist someone else's time while he was thinking about someone else.. kinda selfish and that is an example of what I don't like about him.

 

 

I can't trust SELFISH people. They will always make decisions based upon how it effects them and no consideration of me, thus the term "selfish"..

 

So as much as I know it will hurt, Im fixing to call him and say "You need to move on dude".

 

I haven't seen anyone in the past year and a half.. I knew if I did, I too would just be thinking about him and I didn't want to do that to someone else.. I just figured TIME would make me forget him... time and being busy.. Not a day has gone by since I met him 7 or so years ago that I haven't thought about him. I'm positive he feels the same but he's just a real stubborn fool.. He's like that with everyone.. a bit stubborn..

:bunny::bunny:

 

For him to come to me, that's like saying YOU WIN!. YOU GOT ME..

 

Talk about an impossible thing..

 

 

So I'm thinking maybe he does want to do it right, but maybe he and I are not equipped to do this on our own.

 

 

Should I just let him go when it won't hurt as much.. or should I put a firm condition.. IN FREAKING WRITING.. that specifies ONLY IF HE goes to COUPLES counseling X amount of times a week/ mo-- ZERO exceptions..

 

This will probably mean my date time will be spent in therapy cause we are BOTH EXTREMELY busy and some things cannot be moved. I HAVE to work because I have a child to support.. can't just call in sick and tra la la off.. my vacation days are spent taking him to his tournaments or camps out of area.. and my guy usually can't drop his job for 3-4 days at a time, not to mention someone has to be home at night to take care of his very aged and frail mother and his granny.. I know this.

 

I've got nursing clinicals I cant move around.. he knows this and respects this. He's self employed and a one man business so I know first hand the realities of his work. And I'm fine with all that..

 

Its just is it fair to say to someone this is the condition.. knowing we'd have to go through this guided therapy when I'd really rather just have fun with him, doing stuff, but I know that won't change the issues..

 

 

This is long. I know. Its something I have spent a great deal of thinking about. I'm at a turning point in my life..

 

My Son(who Likes him, always has) is fixing to graduate in 2 years and I will be done with Nursing school in a year.. and working towards getting experience so I can do travel nursing.. or perhaps travel back home across the country to live where I am from originally, where ALL my family who I miss dearly are.

 

Whats a girl to do? Risk hurting herself or stay with the path and keep moving forward..

 

 

The relationship just might not be worth the hassle it would take to try once more with help, cause as soon as one of us slips back into an old habit... I might be willing to forgive.. but he wouldn't.. and then he'd get stubborn again.. and then I'd just ignore him till he was done pouting, and we'd be back in the old cycle.

[Eddie Edirol]

Tell him that you cant try again until he will talk about his feelings or whatever is the problem that keeps breaking you up. Its all about him opening him up. Since he doesnt like to talk, its all about making that the negotiating tool.