somedude81 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 So I recently regained contact with an old crush through a mutual female friend that I have a class with. Our friend basically confirmed what I knew about this girl, she is basically shy with everybody, not very sociable and socially awkward. She's also somewhat uncomfortable with physical contact. She's 21 and never dated. She's turned me down a few months ago and I backed off giving her space. We haven't had any contact except for a few emails. I know the proper thing to do is to just forget about her, but the potential relationship just seems too good to pass up without giving it my all. It seems that there is something holding her back which makes her not want to date people. Though I don't know what it is. It could be that she is just young and will grow out of it. Or maybe she'll never change. I feel that it would be shame if she spends most of her life single then one day realizes, "Oh, I would like to have a family. But now I'm 35 and all the good men are taken." There's also the possibility of her being seduced by a player who just sleeps with her then runs away. So I'm wondering if there is anything I can do to let her see that there is nothing to be scared of.
january2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Gain her trust and she may open up to you. If you really care about her, you may also need to put aside your self-interest. Ultimately though, if she doesn't want to date you or anyone else, you will need to learn to accept that she's an adult and it's her decision - even if you think you know better. It may even have reached that point already since she's already turned you down once.
Darren Taylor Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 If she turned you down before, she's not interested. And I'm willing to bet she was sexually abused as a child. That would explain why she's so uncomfortable with physical contact and any affection.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Since you have a go-between who can play cupid for you I would advise using that. If the go-between tries to get you two together and she's not into it then you pretty much know it ain't happening with you and you should probably just move on. You might want to see if the go between can get any info as to how she really feels about you (if you're ready to face the full scope of what that might be). Cheers.
Author somedude81 Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 Gain her trust and she may open up to you. If you really care about her, you may also need to put aside your self-interest. Ultimately though, if she doesn't want to date you or anyone else, you will need to learn to accept that she's an adult and it's her decision - even if you think you know better. It may even have reached that point already since she's already turned you down once. I have been slowly gaining her trust and she was starting to open up to me. Though I may have taken some jokes a bit too far with her. I'm still trying to find the proper amount of teasing, and I don't really know where the limit is for girls who may have confidence issues. While she has turned me down, she was totally fine being my friend while knowing of my interest. Really the only reason we stopped hanging out was because we no longer had a class together. It was kind of a defacto thing, class is over lets to do something. I do know that it is her decision. What I'm trying to do is to get her to see all the information before she does. I want to try one more time before I just forget about her. But I want to try a different method. If she turned you down before, she's not interested. And I'm willing to bet she was sexually abused as a child. That would explain why she's so uncomfortable with physical contact and any affection. I don't think she was abused. Though which may be connected is that she used to be much heavier. I saw some pictures of her as a teenager when I went to her house, and she was barely recognizable. So she may have some lingering self-image issues.
Author somedude81 Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 Since you have a go-between who can play cupid for you I would advise using that. If the go-between tries to get you two together and she's not into it then you pretty much know it ain't happening with you and you should probably just move on. You might want to see if the go between can get any info as to how she really feels about you (if you're ready to face the full scope of what that might be). Cheers. Somehow I missed this post. How could I use the go-between? We're going to be studying together tomorrow. I've briefly mentioned the girl a couple of times but I don't think the friend knows that I like the girl. I haven't thought about having the mutual friend ask her what she thinks of me. It could be worth a shot.
start-fresh Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Since you have a go-between who can play cupid for you I would advise using that. If the go-between tries to get you two together and she's not into it then you pretty much know it ain't happening with you and you should probably just move on. You might want to see if the go between can get any info as to how she really feels about you (if you're ready to face the full scope of what that might be). Cheers. Do you really think a grown man should be using someone as a go-between? I can see being set up the first time but the OP has known this girl a while. If he can't win her over himself, having someone pass her a love letter isn't really going to make a difference.
applefruit Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 dude,sir your sn says 81? does that mean your 30? first of all how do you know she even likes you or conciders you a possible future husband? even with outgoing people it is hard to know. 2nd of all shes A KID. the girl is 21 and probably still owns her old barney stuffed animal and furbies in her college dorm,apartment,parents house wherever 21 yr old college kids live. when i was 21 i didnt even concider the thought of dating. alot of girls in their early 20s are too young to date you dont know what her story is, so dont bother her.if she is interested and wants to date you she will tell you. maybe she dosnt like boys? is too immature to date and dosnt want a boyfriend, dosnt like you? the girl can speak up for herself and defend herself so she will find someone. also in many societies physical contact is seen as inapropriate. people have personal space boundaries even among those they know. your disrepectful and you have a huge immagination dont think for her, you obviousely dont know her. has she said that she likes you? i say leave her alone, your probably being a pesk sorry if this sounds mean, but im being truthful and guys dont know how to be normal around girls.
Author somedude81 Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 dude,sir your sn says 81? does that mean your 30? Not yet, but soon. first of all how do you know she even likes you or conciders you a possible future husband? even with outgoing people it is hard to know. LOL, consider me a future husband. No way. What I meant by my post is that if she just stays single the rest of her life, there may come a point where she realizes that she wants a family but hasn't dated at all, and now all the men her age are taken. 2nd of all shes A KID. the girl is 21 and probably still owns her old barney stuffed animal and furbies in her college dorm,apartment,parents house wherever 21 yr old college kids live. when i was 21 i didnt even concider the thought of dating. alot of girls in their early 20s are too young to date She's still a kid? I always thought girls matured faster than guys did. I don't know how mature she is. As for considering the thought of dating, I don't know what normal is. Some girls start dating at 16 and always have a boyfriend till the day they get married. I know lots of girls her age that are in relationships, have been or just date around. My 20 year old cousin got engaged in January and she's been dating her BF for 2.5 years. you dont know what her story is, so dont bother her.if she is interested and wants to date you she will tell you. maybe she dosnt like boys? is too immature to date and dosnt want a boyfriend, dosnt like you? the girl can speak up for herself and defend herself so she will find someone. You're right that I don't know her story. That's why I made this thread. To try and understand what is going on with her. I know she is not gay and got mad when I hinted that I thought she was. I have asked why she wants to be single and she didn't want to give me an answer. I'm just wondering if it's something I can help her work through. also in many societies physical contact is seen as inapropriate. people have personal space boundaries even among those they know. your disrepectful and you have a huge immagination The physical contact I was talking about is just a basic hug. I have hugged her a couple of times and she didn't seem to have any problem with it. But then much later on she told me that she's uncomfortable with it and "not a huggy person." How am I being disrespectful? dont think for her, you obviousely dont know her. has she said that she likes you? i say leave her alone, your probably being a pesk sorry if this sounds mean, but im being truthful and guys dont know how to be normal around girls.I know she likes me just as a friend. I don't know why she doesn't like me as more than that. We get a long great, are in the same dating league, and have tons of common interests. She also said that my age doesn't bother her.
Author somedude81 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 I'm going to be studying with the mutual friend today for a few hours and there is bound to be some downtime. I'm wondering if I should bring up the girl I like and possibly do what Feelin Frisky said and ask the friend to talk to the girl I like about me and find out what she really thinks. If I don't do that I'm just going to send her a text asking why she hasn't been online recently and throw in a little joke. Maybe try to do something together.
JaneDoe35 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I'm going to be studying with the mutual friend today for a few hours and there is bound to be some downtime. I'm wondering if I should bring up the girl I like and possibly do what Feelin Frisky said and ask the friend to talk to the girl I like about me and find out what she really thinks. If I don't do that I'm just going to send her a text asking why she hasn't been online recently and throw in a little joke. Maybe try to do something together. I think you sound great! Maybe take her out to see a film - comedy would be best. Keep it light and fun. I like the fact that you are asking for some advice/opinions. Cool guy........
Author somedude81 Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 The study session with my friend was pretty good and we talked a lot about the girl I like. I had emailed my friend before trying to get some basic info on girls and she figured out that I was interested in the other girl. She told me that she even asked the girl I like, why she doesn't have a boyfriend. She really didn't get an answer. She's just perfectly content staying in her dorm room most of the day playing video games and doing homework. She also doesn't seem to have any friends on campus. The only person she hung out with was,....me. I did ask my friend to ask her what she thinks of me but I just expect to get a neutral reply. If she asks at all. I think you sound great! Maybe take her out to see a film - comedy would be best. Keep it light and fun. I like the fact that you are asking for some advice/opinions. Cool guy........ Thanks JaneDoe. I would love to take her out. But I need to somehow open her up to dating. I'm very patient and I wouldn't at all mind taking it slow with her. I just don't really know what to do.
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