YellowShark Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Your friend must have went through hell but hopefully she dropped that guy in order to meet someone amazing and if she'd gone through with having the baby he would've cheated on her. Here's the hell she went through. Met a guy, he swept her off her feet. Big romance with all the song and dance. She got pregnant. She told him she was pregnant, then soon found out he was cheating on her with this current wife. So she went through the heartache of betrayal, abandonment, and an abortion. After a few short months of NC and healing she finds out he has married the OW! And had a baby with her! More pain to process. Now after dealing with betrayal, an abortion, much heartbreak... the scumball comes back into her life trying to rekindle the romance all over again! In essence cheating on his new bride who is at home with their newborn. All this unwanted drama really messed with her head and she is a wonderful woman who didn't ask for any of this. That is why if you *know* the guy is a cheater then RUN! Unless one likes juggling live grenades while skipping foolishly through a mine field! Once a cheater, always a cheater. Very cheesy but very, very true. I feel once a cheater not always a cheater. People can make mistakes, we are all human after all. But twice a cheater? Yup, then ALWAYS a cheater.
TurboGirl Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Rooke, WOW what a nutcase your xMM is. Leave him to the wife! He will lie & con his way back in there with her, you can bet on it. He seems to be a master at conning people.. you moved to a new city, for pete's sake, for him! Who cares if she IS pregnant or ISN'T -- this guy is a flip flopper, and all that back & forth is gonna wear you out & make you bitter. Seriously. I don't give a darn about the BS.. this is about YOU and your choices going forward. Don't you think you deserve a man who can really be there, legitimately... this guy proved to you 3 times that he cannot, and always runs back. And the lies! WOW he is a master at the conning and lying. You are single, correct? You deserve much better than this. (((HUGS))) Be strong. You can do it!
Author Rooke Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Rooke you know nothing. You just know what he has told you. He could be sitting next to his wife right now. Snuggled up to each other. Not because he says it doesn't make it true. Stop worrying about him and worry about yourself. Decide if you want to stay in that city or leave while you still can. I know she kicked him out from another source, otherwise I probably would've thought like that, that is was a lie. Although when he confessed he won't have told her an ounce of truth and I'm quite shocked he's not trying to sweet talk me because if I was to have a conversation with her, and tell her all the lies he's told me and that he said he wasn't in love with her anymore then she would certainly never have him back, however I won't do that because we've both suffered enough and it's best left to die. But no doubt it's all my fault as far as what he's told her.
Author Rooke Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Here's the hell she went through. Met a guy, he swept her off her feet. Big romance with all the song and dance. She got pregnant. She told him she was pregnant, then soon found out he was cheating on her with this current wife. So she went through the heartache of betrayal, abandonment, and an abortion. After a few short months of NC and healing she finds out he has married the OW! And had a baby with her! More pain to process. Now after dealing with betrayal, an abortion, much heartbreak... the scumball comes back into her life trying to rekindle the romance all over again! In essence cheating on his new bride who is at home with their newborn. All this unwanted drama really messed with her head and she is a wonderful woman who didn't ask for any of this. That is why if you *know* the guy is a cheater then RUN! Unless one likes juggling live grenades while skipping foolishly through a mine field! I feel once a cheater not always a cheater. People can make mistakes, we are all human after all. But twice a cheater? Yup, then ALWAYS a cheater. Wow that is truly awful. She must be a very, very strong woman and seems had an incredibly lucky escape. Yes I agree, anyone can make a mistake. Perhaps I should have said serial cheater. Once a serial cheater, there's no reforming.
spice4life Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Wow...this guy is no good for you at all. He asks you to move and then admits he lied to you and then has the nerve to blame you for being kicked out?! What piece of work. First, all of the emotions you are feeling right now are normal, so just let yourself feel them. Second, block all ways he used to communicate with you and don't look back. And lastly, stop thinking about "when" he might contact you and start looking at why and how you ended up with a guy like this to begin with. Those are the important questions right now. Take this opportunity to go to therapy and find out what is going on with you that allowed you to be vulnerable to this type of guy. Once you figure that out, this type of guy won't be able to get within 100 feet of you because you will see him coming and run the other way. Good luck to you and I hope you are able to block him out once and for all. Move and change your numbers if you have to. It's easier than you think.
Author Rooke Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Rooke, WOW what a nutcase your xMM is. Leave him to the wife! He will lie & con his way back in there with her, you can bet on it. He seems to be a master at conning people.. you moved to a new city, for pete's sake, for him! Who cares if she IS pregnant or ISN'T -- this guy is a flip flopper, and all that back & forth is gonna wear you out & make you bitter. Seriously. I don't give a darn about the BS.. this is about YOU and your choices going forward. Don't you think you deserve a man who can really be there, legitimately... this guy proved to you 3 times that he cannot, and always runs back. And the lies! WOW he is a master at the conning and lying. You are single, correct? You deserve much better than this. (((HUGS))) Be strong. You can do it! He is definitely not normal. However I can't really say I'd have much reserves of sympathy left for her if he does con his way back in. He will do it to her again with someone else. It's really nice to get so much support from people who understand and not get ripped to shreds by people who don't understand. I'm not sure where I'd be without this support. I'm slowly beginning to realise I do deserve better and if I never find it I'd rather be lonely than be lied to on a daily basis and change who I am for someone who is only in love with himself.
YellowShark Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Wow that is truly awful. She must be a very, very strong woman and seems had an incredibly lucky escape. Yes I agree, anyone can make a mistake. Perhaps I should have said serial cheater. Once a serial cheater, there's no reforming. Yes. She has finally realized she has dodged a bullet after much much pain and anguish. It could easily be her sitting at home right now while this guy is out there picking up other women. The entire ordeal has really hurt her, jaded her outlook on life, and she is in fact leaving her job and going on a eat, pray, love sort of journey. But the same thing happened to me in a way. My EX-of-7-years was cheating with my married ex-best-friend. Worse still my EX was slated to host his wife's baby shower! - (since his wife was pregnant at the time.) So I was thrown under a bus by my EX, and my ex-best-friend, both of whom are obviously really toxic and sick individuals to cheat on me and a pregnant wife at the same time. Well I have a zero tolerance policy now. If you cheat, you're gone, no excuses. I am worth more than that, and have no time for lies, deception, and people who have zero empathy.
Author Rooke Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Wow...this guy is no good for you at all. He asks you to move and then admits he lied to you and then has the nerve to blame you for being kicked out?! What piece of work. First, all of the emotions you are feeling right now are normal, so just let yourself feel them. Second, block all ways he used to communicate with you and don't look back. And lastly, stop thinking about "when" he might contact you and start looking at why and how you ended up with a guy like this to begin with. Those are the important questions right now. Take this opportunity to go to therapy and find out what is going on with you that allowed you to be vulnerable to this type of guy. Once you figure that out, this type of guy won't be able to get within 100 feet of you because you will see him coming and run the other way. Good luck to you and I hope you are able to block him out once and for all. Move and change your numbers if you have to. It's easier than you think. I know exactly what it was, it was losing my Father. I don't really want to go to that trouble if he'll never be in touch. If he will be in touch then I will go to those lengths. I'll take my part of the blame for all of this but I won't ever understand how it why he can blame me entirely. He did this to himself.
spice4life Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I'll take my part of the blame for all of this but I won't ever understand how it why he can blame me entirely. He did this to himself. It sounds like he is a person who doesn't have the capacity to take responsibilty for his own actions and he probably never will. I'm sorry to hear about your father, that kind of loss can create a ton of vulnerabilities in a daughter when it comes to relationships. It's great you recognize where it was coming from in you and accept responsibility for your own actions. As far as your xMM goes...well, I wouldn't count on it. I'm not going to lable him, but lieing, cheating, manipulating, blaming...it all has to add up to something right? And that usually means lacks the ability to see beyond himself and how his actions impact others. Sooo, it looks like you dodged a bullet and can walk away with knowledge that will help you in the future. Good luck!
Breezy Trousers Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Yup. You are correct. My "opinion" is based upon 100+ threads at Loveshack where the OW has posted she is "surprised" to find out she is not the only other OW in their MM's life. I also base my "opinion" on the two OW I know personally who ended up being cheated upon by their cough... "soul mate" - (see: married man) - once their MM left their spouses. IMHO the cycle rarely stops Silly_Girl, most cheaters simply replace their current partner with a newer object of affection when they need validation. Rook, I'm so relieved you agree with Yellow Shark on this. I agree with most of the comments here. Really, you're on your way. I hope you stick around here to share your experience and insights with others in similar circumstances.
Emme Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I know she kicked him out from another source, otherwise I probably would've thought like that, that is was a lie. Although when he confessed he won't have told her an ounce of truth and I'm quite shocked he's not trying to sweet talk me because if I was to have a conversation with her, and tell her all the lies he's told me and that he said he wasn't in love with her anymore then she would certainly never have him back, however I won't do that because we've both suffered enough and it's best left to die. But no doubt it's all my fault as far as what he's told her. If that is the case why do you even care. You know the truth. That's all that matters. I still don't consider hearing something from a third party as truth. Unless you are present when everything was going down you still have no clue. The only way to know anything is to go to their home and ring the door bell.
Author Rooke Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 Rook, I'm so relieved you agree with Yellow Shark on this. I agree with most of the comments here. Really, you're on your way. I hope you stick around here to share your experience and insights with others in similar circumstances. I definitely will. The support I've had is amazing and as I said, without it I don't know where I would be. I think most people have to learn for themselves though, I didn't listen when people told me to stay away. I wish I had and not had to learn the hard way.
Author Rooke Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 If that is the case why do you even care. You know the truth. That's all that matters. I still don't consider hearing something from a third party as truth. Unless you are present when everything was going down you still have no clue. The only way to know anything is to go to their home and ring the door bell. I have considered doing that. As I said, I doubt he's told her anything that's true. That's why I'm quite surprised he's not trying to sweet talk me because if I was to do that, and expose all of his lies, I doubt she would ever have him back.
Emme Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I have considered doing that. As I said, I doubt he's told her anything that's true. That's why I'm quite surprised he's not trying to sweet talk me because if I was to do that, and expose all of his lies, I doubt she would ever have him back. I'm not saying you should to do that. I'm saying unless you are present for every conversation you know nothing. You are hearing things that might be altered. My motto about coming clean with a spouse is if you weren't open when you choose to have sex there spouse, don't be open when you are no longer having sex with them. Move on. I don't understnad the thinking of wasted energy on someone that doesn't want you. Let someone else fight their own battle in life, worry about you. Are you leaving the town? Have you decided to stay?
Author Rooke Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 I'm not saying you should to do that. I'm saying unless you are present for every conversation you know nothing. You are hearing things that might be altered. My motto about coming clean with a spouse is if you weren't open when you choose to have sex there spouse, don't be open when you are no longer having sex with them. Move on. I don't understnad the thinking of wasted energy on someone that doesn't want you. Let someone else fight their own battle in life, worry about you. Are you leaving the town? Have you decided to stay? I kind of don't really have a choice. I have a new job here and this is the third time I've changed jobs in the last few months and I really don't want to have to do that again, on top of everything else. The only reason I wouldn't want to stay and not make a go of it is if I thought he was going to come knocking on my door but I really don't think he'll do that.
Emme Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Well all I can tell you is worry about yourself. You have no one else to care for you. He has his wife. Just start your new life in this town and hope you don't run into them. Be prepared if he knocks on your door. Just think about what's best for you right now.
Author Rooke Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 I doubt she will take him back. Not after the third time. I will be prepared incase it happens but I doubt it will.
whichwayisup Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I doubt she will take him back. Not after the third time. I will be prepared incase it happens but I doubt it will. Well, why wouldn't she? She's his wife. You are teeter tottering, if he left and came to you (again) you'd take him, right? Well, they have a history together. Also, you don't know what he tells her behind closed doors. Maybe he's making a good case, playing the good guy, begging her. He is capable of alot, lies, manipulation.. if she loves him and wants her life to remain the same, then possibly she will.
Author Rooke Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 Well, why wouldn't she? She's his wife. You are teeter tottering, if he left and came to you (again) you'd take him, right? Well, they have a history together. Also, you don't know what he tells her behind closed doors. Maybe he's making a good case, playing the good guy, begging her. He is capable of alot, lies, manipulation.. if she loves him and wants her life to remain the same, then possibly she will. I wouldn't take him no. I still have feelings for him obviously, I miss the intimacy and everything else but I would rather feel let down and hurt than have him lie to me. Knowing that if she was out of the picture then if he can treat her like that, he can do it to me. Possibly she will take him back, but he'll have another affair, not with me but with someone else. Everytime she's took him back it's been carte blanche for him and I suspect this time would be no different. If she ever does take him back then it won't happen overnight, I think it may take a while but he's broken her trust three times in two years and I don't think she would trust him again. However I think whatever he has said to her has been a lie, everything that came out of his mouth to me was a lie, I think if I was to expose his lies to her then she wouldn't have him back but I won't do that. She has to decide what the truth is and what isn't.
Silly_Girl Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Yup. You are correct. My "opinion" is based upon 100+ threads at Loveshack where the OW has posted she is "surprised" to find out she is not the only other OW in their MM's life. You are taking the p***!! I've been here since May '10 and there's no way I've read more than a handful of 'my MM has another OW' threads. I have seen many posters suggest it to someone, before they've even thought of it themselves, but come on, you're really stretching it here...
janden Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 What a cruel & cowardly thing for him to blame you for all his problems. I understand you want closure - you won't get it from him. I had 3 endings I wanted closure for - but usually when they DO come back, it's often not because they can't live without us. They just need their egos boosted and don't want to end up being the "bad guy" after all. Now on my 4th (and hopefully final) ending, I don't need or even want closure from him. He was unncessarily cruel at the end. If he does make contact, I'm much better prepared to handle it. It definitely sounds like he has some major issues, none of which are of your doing. Most of these men are so afraid of conflict, they will destroy anything and anyone in their path to avoid it. Get out of the line of fire while you can and don't look back.
Author Rooke Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 What a cruel & cowardly thing for him to blame you for all his problems. I understand you want closure - you won't get it from him. I had 3 endings I wanted closure for - but usually when they DO come back, it's often not because they can't live without us. They just need their egos boosted and don't want to end up being the "bad guy" after all. Now on my 4th (and hopefully final) ending, I don't need or even want closure from him. He was unncessarily cruel at the end. If he does make contact, I'm much better prepared to handle it. It definitely sounds like he has some major issues, none of which are of your doing. Most of these men are so afraid of conflict, they will destroy anything and anyone in their path to avoid it. Get out of the line of fire while you can and don't look back. I think he has Narcassistic Personality Disorder. I have been doing some research and it said that with an NPD sufferer you must conform to their views and expectations or simply be obliterated from their lives. I think I was well within my rights to pressure him to tell her. If it's true that she is pregnant then as far as I'm concerned, he had to start being honest. There's no way you can bring a baby into the world based on lies and deceit, but obviously he didn't see it like that, he wanted to have his cake and eat it. I hope they do work things out, and they can move on from this and be happy now that she knows the truth. I hope he can reform and be faithful, but somehow I doubt it. The previous time she found out was due to me and he got in touch and apologised for the way he had treated me, so I don't understand why it was acceptable for her to know the truth last time and not this time, I think perhaps because he hasn't gotten away with it this time, or if he does it'll be a long while. That's what made me realise how much of a coward he was. His sense of right and wrong is basically that if everyone is playing by his rules and doing things his way, then it's right and if it's not his way then it's wrong. It's ironic really because two days before I found out about this, I was getting wary because we didn't really spend that much time together, I was very calm and said simply that I didn't want to see him anymore and he made all sorts of promises and reassurances and talked me round, and if he's just let me go then, I never would have told her, I would have walked away and no one would have got hurt. I didn't force him to do anything, I didn't put a gun to his head and demand he got into my bed, or make him swear on his unborn baby's life that I was the only person he was in love with, he made all those choices and decisions himself and whu he can't understand that, I will never know. But I guess because I don't have his mental health problems, I can never understand how he thinks. I'm not even going to try either.
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