Will he be in touch??

[Rooke]

I've been seeing a MM on and off for two years almost. This is the third time his W has found out about us. The first time he left it 2 weeks to get in contact because she forgave him. The second time he left it 9 months to get in touch and he said they'd split up for 3 months and he didn't contact me because he was mad at me. 3 months ago he asked me to move to a new city on the promise that once I was settled and if I liked it here he would leave her and we would move in together. Over a week ago he tells me he's been lying to me and that's she's pregnant and he had no intention of leaving and 6 days ago he told her about us and she kicked him out. He called me that day and said his phone was broken and that I'd left him with nothing, no relationship, no roof over his said and he said goodbye and goodluck. His phone has been switched off ever since and I was wondering if anyone else who's been in this situations thinks whether he will be in contact or not?

[BB07]

I think there are better questions that you need to ask yourself than worrying about him getting in touch.

 

Why have you been continuing to ride a rollercoaster for a man who flip flops back and forth? One who dumps you and leaves you out in the cold if it suits him?

[Rooke]

Because I was an idiot. And I believed his lies and thought our relationship was something it wasn't and was never going to be. But because every time he's vanished on me I've come to terms with the fact I won't hear from him again and then when he did he caught me off guard. So this time I need to be prepared, I need to expect it so I don't kid myself thinking it's just going to be innocent and I need to let him know he doesn't get another chance. But because things are still so raw, and I moved and don't really know anyone here, I'm not sure if I'm strong enough yet.

[bentnotbroken]

Imagine you are the one who is pregnant and waiting the birth of your child while there is a woman out there waiting for your husband to call her. How would that make you feel? How do you think the OW should handle the situation of when and if your husband calls her?

[Amour7]

Rooke, I'm sorry you are been pushed and pulled so much and at the mercy of someone who really seems heartless (from an outsider's perspective). I agree with BB, though. There are other questions to ask. From your post and my own experience, I infer that are hoping he will come back to you. If you are ready to be rid of him, then it doesn't matter so much if he tries to contact you. There are all sorts of advice on here for people to establish and stay in NC. It is possible to take control and set boundaries so he can't take control by getting in contact with you. However, I gather you aren't ready to call it quits quite yet and you are hopeful for a future with him. So, to entertain your question, while it's impossible to predict what exactly he will do, here are a couple likely scenarios:

 

1. BS will take him back. He will beg and plead, promise her many things, and agree to all of her conditions, whether he means it or not. Since she is pregnant, I would say there is a very strong possibility they will try to make something work. What does this mean for you? Well, he may be on his best behavior for a while and not contact you. Maybe he'll be "reformed" or born again and never contact you. However, there would also be a a strong possibility he will contact you. He might miss your emotional connection, his wife will be hormonal and crabby, she'll be less attractive to him during and after pregnancy with the baby weight, and so he will want sex. Do you want him to contact you in these circumstances? You will be his fall back, so you need to come to terms with that.

 

2. BS won't take him back. He might feel so angry at you for ruining his life that he will never contact you again. Or, the anger will subside and he'll feel lonely and contact you. Again, you would be his fall back.

 

Notice how the scenarios above depend first and foremost on the BS? If he contacts you, I'm sorry honey, but it won't be about you and the love you believed you shared. It will be about him and his loneliness or unmet needs. He has not shown that he can put you first.

 

Take care of yourself and start thinking about what kind of future you want for yourself. You gave up so much for him and look what pain it brought you. You have to reclaim yourself and your life if you want more out of your life and are ready to stop the pain. I'm just a week and a half into NC and it really does suck, but I know that the most painful parts of the A and breakup will soon be in the past. I don't know if I'll ever love anyone again like xMM, but I will do my best to build a life I want for myself.

 

Hugs, and best wishes to you. Be strong.

[BB07]

Because I was an idiot. And I believed his lies and thought our relationship was something it wasn't and was never going to be. But because every time he's vanished on me I've come to terms with the fact I won't hear from him again and then when he did he caught me off guard. So this time I need to be prepared, I need to expect it so I don't kid myself thinking it's just going to be innocent and I need to let him know he doesn't get another chance. But because things are still so raw, and I moved and don't really know anyone here, I'm not sure if I'm strong enough yet.

 

 

Rooke.......damn it.......you've moved for that man and now you are dumped. What a f'ing ******* he is!

 

 

Oh hon.........please don't get back on the roller coaster, it will only lead to more of the same. Get out.........make friends, if it's gets too bad go back home and lean on your family and friends for support. And.........don't ever get yourself involved with someone who is a mm again.

[Rooke]

I'm not entirely certain I can believe that she is pregnant. He's lied about so much that I think perhaps this could also be a lie, and that rather than admit he'd made the choice to stay where he was, he actually said this to make it look as though he actually had no choice and for me to say "Okay whatever let's just carry on"

I realise, fundamentally this changes nothing and that when he said he wasn't in love with her anymore and only in love with me, it was simply another lie. And that I was never going to be his first choice and I had to learn that for myself and learn it the hard way.

There perhaps is a part of me that hopes he will make contact. I think that's natural when things are so raw. However I know there's no way I could allow him back into my life. I just need to ride it out until it passes I think. But I also need to stop loving him, and quickly.

[Rooke]

Rooke.......damn it.......you've moved for that man and now you are dumped. What a f'ing ******* he is!

 

 

Oh hon.........please don't get back on the roller coaster, it will only lead to more of the same. Get out.........make friends, if it's gets too bad go back home and lean on your family and friends for support. And.........don't ever get yourself involved with someone who is a mm again.

 

 

Thanks! He is a ******* and all the other horrible names, however I did dump him as soon as he told me that. Then after he came clean to her in his goodbye phone call he said "It's over" as if HE was the only doing the dumping and I said "It was over as soon as those words left your mouth" which is why I partly think it was a lie because he would've known this when he asked me to move and if he'd left me where I was I would've been too far away to jeopardise his marriage.

However that doesn't change the fact that he's left me high and dry and I don't want him thinking that because now I'm here he can call anytime he decides to turn his phone on.

[whichwayisup]

I've been seeing a MM on and off for two years almost. This is the third time his W has found out about us. The first time he left it 2 weeks to get in contact because she forgave him. The second time he left it 9 months to get in touch and he said they'd split up for 3 months and he didn't contact me because he was mad at me. 3 months ago he asked me to move to a new city on the promise that once I was settled and if I liked it here he would leave her and we would move in together. Over a week ago he tells me he's been lying to me and that's she's pregnant and he had no intention of leaving and 6 days ago he told her about us and she kicked him out. He called me that day and said his phone was broken and that I'd left him with nothing, no relationship, no roof over his said and he said goodbye and goodluck. His phone has been switched off ever since and I was wondering if anyone else who's been in this situations thinks whether he will be in contact or not?

 

Who cares if he contacts you?? Honestly, this guy is a piece of work.

 

Do you want contact from him? After the way he's treated you and lied to you over and over again?

 

You should be PISSED and even if he does try to contact you, IGNORE him.

[20Seconds]

that I'd left him with nothing, no relationship, no roof over his said and he said goodbye and goodluck.

 

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!! How dare he blame you for ANY of this?

 

You waited. You took him back. You waited. You took him back. You moved - yes moved - on a promise, and then he admits he lied to you. And all this time, he's been sleeping with his W.

 

If he has nothing it is entirely HIS FAULT, and he deserves it.

 

Leave him to live a miserable life without either you or his W. Send him a bill for your removal expenses and the cost of moving back to being with family and friends again.

 

But you know what will happen, one of you will take back his sorry crawling ass. Please don;t let it be you!

[Rooke]

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!! How dare he blame you for ANY of this?

 

You waited. You took him back. You waited. You took him back. You moved - yes moved - on a promise, and then he admits he lied to you. And all this time, he's been sleeping with his W.

 

If he has nothing it is entirely HIS FAULT, and he deserves it.

 

Leave him to live a miserable life without either you or his W. Send him a bill for your removal expenses and the cost of moving back to being with family and friends again.

 

But you know what will happen, one of you will take back his sorry crawling ass. Please don;t let it be you!

 

He thinks it's my fault because I pressured him into telling her. He wanted to carry on as if nothing had changed and I said you have to be honest now and you can't bring this baby into the world based on a lie (if it's true she's pregnant) I realise this still doesn't make it my fault, I didn't hold a gun to his head and force him into my bed, he made the choices and decisions and he did this to himself.

However he won't ever take responsibility or blame for it. I think he probably doesn't even realise he's done anything wrong.

I won't ever take him back, as difficult as it will be, he deserves everything he gets and obviously what they have hasn't been working for a considerable amount of time, and I want him to suffer however small not being allowed back in my life will make him suffer if he decides that he wants he right where he had me, that's what I want him to feel.

She, however probably will take him back and he'll do this to her again with someone else. Well, rather her than me, I think it's a given that if you are married to this particular cowardly specimen he WILL cheat on you.

But I'm sure if she does take him back it will be utterly miserable for both of them, but if she wants to spend her life worrying where he is, what he's doing etc then she's doing me a favour if it keeps him away from me. I'd rather be alone until the day I die than with someone who believes that everyone else in his life is there to play by his rules and as soon as they aren't doing that he cuts them loose. That's why until he grows up or realises he has some sort of narcissistic personality disorder, he won't ever have a relationship that functions.

I'm hoping she will realise he's never going to take responsibility for it and then will never forgive him. But if not, then I guess they're well suited to each other.

[fooled once]

Rooke, I'm sorry you are been pushed and pulled so much and at the mercy of someone who really seems heartless (from an outsider's perspective). I agree with BB, though. There are other questions to ask. From your post and my own experience, I infer that are hoping he will come back to you. If you are ready to be rid of him, then it doesn't matter so much if he tries to contact you. There are all sorts of advice on here for people to establish and stay in NC. It is possible to take control and set boundaries so he can't take control by getting in contact with you. However, I gather you aren't ready to call it quits quite yet and you are hopeful for a future with him. So, to entertain your question, while it's impossible to predict what exactly he will do, here are a couple likely scenarios:

 

1. BS will take him back. He will beg and plead, promise her many things, and agree to all of her conditions, whether he means it or not. Since she is pregnant, I would say there is a very strong possibility they will try to make something work. What does this mean for you? Well, he may be on his best behavior for a while and not contact you. Maybe he'll be "reformed" or born again and never contact you. However, there would also be a a strong possibility he will contact you. He might miss your emotional connection, his wife will be hormonal and crabby, she'll be less attractive to him during and after pregnancy with the baby weight, and so he will want sex. Do you want him to contact you in these circumstances? You will be his fall back, so you need to come to terms with that.

 

2. BS won't take him back. He might feel so angry at you for ruining his life that he will never contact you again. Or, the anger will subside and he'll feel lonely and contact you. Again, you would be his fall back.

 

Notice how the scenarios above depend first and foremost on the BS? If he contacts you, I'm sorry honey, but it won't be about you and the love you believed you shared. It will be about him and his loneliness or unmet needs. He has not shown that he can put you first.

 

Take care of yourself and start thinking about what kind of future you want for yourself. You gave up so much for him and look what pain it brought you. You have to reclaim yourself and your life if you want more out of your life and are ready to stop the pain. I'm just a week and a half into NC and it really does suck, but I know that the most painful parts of the A and breakup will soon be in the past. I don't know if I'll ever love anyone again like xMM, but I will do my best to build a life I want for myself.

 

Hugs, and best wishes to you. Be strong.

 

Great post.

 

Rooke, why the animosity towards his wife?

I'm hoping she will realise he's never going to take responsibility for it and then will never forgive him. But if not, then I guess they're well suited to each other.

 

She deserves someone who cheats on her? Like it is her fault he is a cheater? I mean, you kept taking him back, knowing he was lying and cheating on his wife. I mean, you picked up and MOVED knowing full well he was living with his wife!! Not sure why you have a problem with her. She has been lied to also. She trusted and believed her husband. Who knows what he said to her - he probably called you a stalker who wouldn't leave him alone and he is probably telling her now that he never asked you to move to their city; that you did that and you won't leave him alone. She has a past, a history with him. Of course she doesn't want to think he would betray her this way. She planned a future with him way before you entered the picture.

 

After the first time he went back home to his wife, you should have realized his character. After the second time that he dumped you, you should have known not to enter into an affair with him again.

 

There is a saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". You do have responsibility for the situation you are in. I know you are hurting; I hope you can keep the anger and use it should he contact you again. I have a feeling though that he will sweet talk you again and the affair will resume, of course this will be after he grovels and gets back in his wife's good graces.

[Summer Breeze]

I've been seeing a MM on and off for two years almost. This is the third time his W has found out about us. The first time he left it 2 weeks to get in contact because she forgave him. The second time he left it 9 months to get in touch and he said they'd split up for 3 months and he didn't contact me because he was mad at me. 3 months ago he asked me to move to a new city on the promise that once I was settled and if I liked it here he would leave her and we would move in together. Over a week ago he tells me he's been lying to me and that's she's pregnant and he had no intention of leaving and 6 days ago he told her about us and she kicked him out. He called me that day and said his phone was broken and that I'd left him with nothing, no relationship, no roof over his said and he said goodbye and goodluck. His phone has been switched off ever since and I was wondering if anyone else who's been in this situations thinks whether he will be in contact or not?

 

 

I take it the new city is not where he actually lives? He was getting rid of you and if you liked there he'd leave her. So what if you didn't like it was he just going to say ok thanks for trying-have a good life. He's browbeating you saying that it's all your fault and poor poor him. Yadda yadda yadda. He's a bully. It may not have any physicality but he is an absolute emotional bully. I personally don't think he was ever separated from her and I don't think he's been without a roof over his head. He's jerking you around and throwing guilt and hopelessness at you as hard as he can. He's manipulating your feelings and isolating you. If he's got this much control over you what the he!! does he do to his wife?

 

I'm all for closure but in this case I hope he never contacts you. I also hope he gets struck by lightning right before he steps in front of the number 2 headed downtown.

 

Get yourself home, wherever that is. Get to people who know and love you and get over this filth.

[Rooke]

Great post.

 

Rooke, why the animosity towards his wife?

 

She deserves someone who cheats on her? Like it is her fault he is a cheater? I mean, you kept taking him back, knowing he was lying and cheating on his wife. I mean, you picked up and MOVED knowing full well he was living with his wife!! Not sure why you have a problem with her. She has been lied to also. She trusted and believed her husband. Who knows what he said to her - he probably called you a stalker who wouldn't leave him alone and he is probably telling her now that he never asked you to move to their city; that you did that and you won't leave him alone. She has a past, a history with him. Of course she doesn't want to think he would betray her this way. She planned a future with him way before you entered the picture.

 

After the first time he went back home to his wife, you should have realized his character. After the second time that he dumped you, you should have known not to enter into an affair with him again.

 

There is a saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". You do have responsibility for the situation you are in. I know you are hurting; I hope you can keep the anger and use it should he contact you again. I have a feeling though that he will sweet talk you again and the affair will resume, of course this will be after he grovels and gets back in his wife's good graces.

 

 

I'm not saying she deserves someone who cheats on her, no one deserves that. What I'm saying is that if she takes him back it's taken as a given that he will cheat on her again and again.

I doubt he will be contact if she takes him back, probably the only reason he will be in touch is if she doesn't take him take and he thinks he'd rather be with me than in no relationship at all.

I understand I have responsibilty in all of this also, and I will face up to it and not run away and hide from it like he has.

[Rooke]

I take it the new city is not where he actually lives? He was getting rid of you and if you liked there he'd leave her. So what if you didn't like it was he just going to say ok thanks for trying-have a good life. He's browbeating you saying that it's all your fault and poor poor him. Yadda yadda yadda. He's a bully. It may not have any physicality but he is an absolute emotional bully. I personally don't think he was ever separated from her and I don't think he's been without a roof over his head. He's jerking you around and throwing guilt and hopelessness at you as hard as he can. He's manipulating your feelings and isolating you. If he's got this much control over you what the he!! does he do to his wife?

 

I'm all for closure but in this case I hope he never contacts you. I also hope he gets struck by lightning right before he steps in front of the number 2 headed downtown.

Get yourself home, wherever that is. Get to people who know and love you and get over this filth.

 

Very shrewd! You're absolutely right! The city he lives in is about 20 minutes from here, although he works in the city he told me he also lived in.

She did definitely kick him out, I know that for a fact, but at first I thought perhaps he was lying about that too, but it seems it's the one and only occassion he has told the truth, everything else has been a lie.

 

I'm kind of stuck in my job here now, but I refuse to run away and have him force me to start all over again. All I can do now is make a go of it here and hope he doesn't come knocking at my door.

I hope he gets struck by lightining too but even if he did, I doubt he'd realise what he's done wrong.

What he expected from me was that no matter what HE decided that we would just carry on regardless, and no matter how I felt, or what I needed or wanted, the relatonship could only continue if it was on his terms and exactly the way he wanted it. When I told him him exactly what I thought of him he said "have you got any other abuse?" like he can't even realise he's a lying, cheating, selfish coward and as you quite rightly put it, an emotional bully.

[YellowShark]

If he'll cheat *with* you he'll cheat *on* you too. That's a guarantee Rooke. Why even invest a single minute more on a guy who will end up treating you just like he is treating his current wife? Seems like a terrible future for you if you stay with this man.

 

Run away as fast as you can. Good luck.

[Silly_Girl]

If he'll cheat *with* you he'll cheat *on* you too. That's a guarantee Rooke. Why even invest a single minute more on a guy who will end up treating you just like he is treating his current wife? Seems like a terrible future for you if you stay with this man.

 

Run away as fast as you can. Good luck.

 

it's an opinion, NOT a guarantee.

[YellowShark]

it's an opinion, NOT a guarantee.

 

Yup. You are correct. My "opinion" is based upon 100+ threads at Loveshack where the OW has posted she is "surprised" to find out she is not the only other OW in their MM's life.

 

I also base my "opinion" on the two OW I know personally who ended up being cheated upon by their cough... "soul mate" - (see: married man) - once their MM left their spouses. IMHO the cycle rarely stops Silly_Girl, most cheaters simply replace their current partner with a newer object of affection when they need validation.

[Rooke]

If he'll cheat *with* you he'll cheat *on* you too. That's a guarantee Rooke. Why even invest a single minute more on a guy who will end up treating you just like he is treating his current wife? Seems like a terrible future for you if you stay with this man.

 

Run away as fast as you can. Good luck.

 

I TOTALLY agree. It is an absolute guarantee. It's a guarantee that if she takes him back, he'll cheat on her again. And it is also a guarantee he would cheat on me. His disposition is that he expects to be able to go through life behaving how he wants and expects everyone else to put up and shut up.

Although I hate to admit it, it's true.

[Jessica232]

I've been seeing a MM on and off for two years almost. This is the third time his W has found out about us. The first time he left it 2 weeks to get in contact because she forgave him. The second time he left it 9 months to get in touch and he said they'd split up for 3 months and he didn't contact me because he was mad at me. 3 months ago he asked me to move to a new city on the promise that once I was settled and if I liked it here he would leave her and we would move in together. Over a week ago he tells me he's been lying to me and that's she's pregnant and he had no intention of leaving and 6 days ago he told her about us and she kicked him out. He called me that day and said his phone was broken and that I'd left him with nothing, no relationship, no roof over his said and he said goodbye and goodluck. His phone has been switched off ever since and I was wondering if anyone else who's been in this situations thinks whether he will be in contact or not?

 

 

Oh my gosh honey, why would you want him to?? You need to run, not walk, away as fast as possible. Get in counseling. Move. Go back home, and get a support system. This is just no good!! You deserve SO much more....you need to realize that.

[YellowShark]

I TOTALLY agree. It is an absolute guarantee. It's a guarantee that if she takes him back, he'll cheat on her again. And it is also a guarantee he would cheat on me. His disposition is that he expects to be able to go through life behaving how he wants and expects everyone else to put up and shut up. Although I hate to admit it, it's true.

 

Here's a story for anyone out there reading this. I know a beautiful, smart, single woman who fell for a guy. He was good-looking, has a good job, a great catch... so it seemed. Well he ended up getting her pregnant but was cheating on her the entire time. She ended it, had an abortion, so he married the woman he was cheating with.

 

Well the newlyweds had a baby and in a few short months after the birth and NC the scumball was hitting on my friend AGAIN! He started off slow, a few emails and texts here and there, but never the less he was already trying to bait her all over again. Such is the modus operandi of serial cheaters.

 

If I was a woman seeing a known cheater it would be a total deal-breaker for me. Just too much risk never knowing when the other shoe is gonna drop.

[Rooke]

Oh my gosh honey, why would you want him to?? You need to run, not walk, away as fast as possible. Get in counseling. Move. Go back home, and get a support system. This is just no good!! You deserve SO much more....you need to realize that.

 

I think coming to terms with this is a going to be a long, slow and difficult process. I have so many varying emotions, anger, love, hurt, resentment, sorrow and loss that at the moment it's difficult to make sense of it. I also want to be prepared if he does get in touch because previously I've come to terms with the fact that he won't and when he did it caught me off guard.

Now he's shown me in no uncertain terms exactly what he is, I won't ever allow him back into my life. I can't want someone like that.

[Emme]

Rooke you know nothing. You just know what he has told you. He could be sitting next to his wife right now. Snuggled up to each other. Not because he says it doesn't make it true. Stop worrying about him and worry about yourself. Decide if you want to stay in that city or leave while you still can.

[Rooke]

Here's a story for anyone out there reading this. I know a beautiful, smart, single woman who fell for a guy. He was good-looking, has a good job, a great catch... so it seemed. Well he ended up getting her pregnant but was cheating on her the entire time. She ended it, had an abortion, so he married the woman he was cheating with.

 

Well the newlyweds had a baby and in a few short months after the birth and NC the scumball was hitting on my friend AGAIN! He started off slow, a few emails and texts here and there, but never the less he was already trying to bait her all over again. Such is the modus operandi of serial cheaters.

 

If I was a woman seeing a known cheater it would be a total deal-breaker for me. Just too much risk never knowing when the other shoe is gonna drop.

 

Good on her for walking away from him! It would've been so easy to think "this baby will be the making of him" and sadly that is never the case. I asked my xMM if he had actually wanted kids and he said "Not at first but now I want to see if I can be a good Father" do you really?? But you want to keep seeing me?? You've already failed as a decent Father and it isn't even born.

Although I have my doubts as to whether it's true that she's pregnant.

Your friend must have went through hell but hopefully she dropped that guy in order to meet someone amazing and if she'd gone through with having the baby he would've cheated on her.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Very cheesy but very, very true.

[bentnotbroken]

Good on her for walking away from him! It would've been so easy to think "this baby will be the making of him" and sadly that is never the case. I asked my xMM if he had actually wanted kids and he said "Not at first but now I want to see if I can be a good Father" do you really?? But you want to keep seeing me?? You've already failed as a decent Father and it isn't even born.

Although I have my doubts as to whether it's true that she's pregnant.

Your friend must have went through hell but hopefully she dropped that guy in order to meet someone amazing and if she'd gone through with having the baby he would've cheated on her.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Very cheesy but very, very true.

 

 

Not a statement that I believe about all cheaters, but a large majority. This persona from the beginning is showing not an ounce of integrity. Wants to see if he can be a good father....ha! What happens if he can't/won't...does he throw his hands up and say, "that's it...I tried." If how he treats his spouse is an indication...this child has some huge obstacles to overcome, the first one is who it's father is.