aypforever Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 After a few months of contact with my ex, we finally said we needed some time apart or.. NC. A month later she contacts me asking if I would ever want to be friends. She asked this about a week before 1 month of NC. I was given the choice to either ignore her or answer her.. It came as a huge shock that she even sent me a text. It caught me completely off guard. I gathered my thoughts throughout the night and sent her a text back the next night. My message went something like, "I can't be friends right now." She responded back right away.. So, for those of us that actually still care about our exes, as well as our exes caring about us, is NC really an appropriate thing to do? They left us. They broke our hearts. They hurt. They miss us. I understand all that stuff. But, if we still have an interest in getting back together at some point, should we be completely ignoring them when they ask us something? Some of the comments I read on here about NC just seem ridiculous. Not all situations are the same, but we treat them all the same.
Author aypforever Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 I should add.. a 6 month relationship is much different than a 4 year relationship in terms of NC. In a 6 month relationship you are just starting to meet the gf/bf's family. Most of the time, you haven't even started to meet the extended family. NC is very appropriate for a 6-month relationship. In a 4 year relationship, you have developed relationships with their family, immediate and extended. The families are very much involved in your relationship. My mother, sis, cousins, uncle etc. are still friends with my ex on FB. My sis, cousin, and ex are going to Europe in a month. How am I supposed to feel about all this? The friend's zone is NOT something I want, but she obviously wants to be in my life. I don't blame her.
poorguy Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 If you can handle talking to her then go ahead. For most people on here continuing to talk to their ex drives them crazy and they re-live the breakup over and over again. That is very hard for most to do and actually keep a clear head and move on..so with that said, if it does'nt bother you then go ahead. If it does begin to bother you then stop and keep it that way. If however all your getting is "how are you", "hope your well", "miss you" and all of that crap then it's all just BS
Infomercials Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I feel like I'm pretty much in the same place you are. It was about 4 years for me and my ex, too. After trying to see him even after he broke up with me, I realized that I just can't do that right now. As much as I love him and as wonderful as being with him still is, I just end up obsessing over the fact that he doesn't really want to be with me right now. I'm not really interested in being just his friend. He and I have talked, and we both want to try having a relationship again at some point, but he's just not ready. Talking to him or seeing him right now is just too hard, so I'm just going to keep out of contact with him for a while. I'm hopeful for the future, but I just know that NC is the best for the two of us right now
Author aypforever Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 I agree. That's why I said I wasn't interested in the friends zone. It's just very confusing right now. I know what I want. I have what I need. Life would be even greater to have her there, but I don't think that's going to happen right now. Stupid girls.
Author aypforever Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 It is very difficult to hear that we aren't good enough "right now". She even told me that we were soulmates 2 months after we broke up. This was at a time when I felt closer to her than I ever had. Do I think we will ever get back together? I really believe that we could, but things would need to change between us. Would that make our relationship work correctly? I don't know. That is something to worry about ifit happens. It just sucks when you realize all the things that you would do correct in the relationship, but it's too late. But what can you do now? You just have to move on..
WTRanger Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 A breakup means you are no longer with that person. That pretty much equals all situations are the same. It's the the stupid stipulations we put on the situations that we try to make them different. In reality, they aren't. If you can handle her taking about the hot new guy she just met, then you can be friends. If you can't, then you clearly aren't over her and cannot just see her as a "friend." It's plain and simple. Don't think of it as anything other than that. I'm at 6 months of NC out of a 2-year relationship. I've met someone new and I've all but forgotten about the ex. Yes, I care about her (the ex) but I'm healed enough to know that I don't want her in my life, not even as a friend because I can't see her as a friend. The feelings are always going to be there, so rather than torture myself and her, it is better off that we aren't a part of each others lives. Plus how we broke up and how she acted in that time makes me not want the person she became. I've fully realized she wasn't the person I met, she was someone different. Someone that I don't want as a part of my life. So yeah, I'd say going NC is BS too. I'm sure if I stayed in constant contact with the ex I'd be in a much better place than I am now.
stopthemadness Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 After a few months of contact with my ex, we finally said we needed some time apart or.. NC. A month later she contacts me asking if I would ever want to be friends. She asked this about a week before 1 month of NC. I was given the choice to either ignore her or answer her.. It came as a huge shock that she even sent me a text. It caught me completely off guard. I gathered my thoughts throughout the night and sent her a text back the next night. My message went something like, "I can't be friends right now." She responded back right away.. So, for those of us that actually still care about our exes, as well as our exes caring about us, is NC really an appropriate thing to do? They left us. They broke our hearts. They hurt. They miss us. I understand all that stuff. But, if we still have an interest in getting back together at some point, should we be completely ignoring them when they ask us something? Some of the comments I read on here about NC just seem ridiculous. Not all situations are the same, but we treat them all the same. Ok I read your post and just felt like I had to reply. My ex told me in July of last yaer that he needed "a break" from our relationship. (We were 2gether 8+yrs) Soo from July to Oct we were "friends". At the end of Oct he told me that he had met smone and was going to start dating them!!! I was devastated to say the least. But..I still kept in contact with him cause? well i guess i just couldnt let go. He would tell me about the other women and stuff and I would tell him. From what your telling me, I dont think shes into you.(by that time I had a "friend" too that I was talking to). Well we kept L/C. By Dec of last year he emails me that I was right. Turns out that lady wasnt onto him and broke it off.(She was REALLY mean about it and told him he was a loser the whole nine) We talked on the phone a few times untell he felt better. He was soo up set he didnt go to work for a few days. By Jan he had already met another lady(I lter found out he was meeting these women on line) Well by Feb he moved in with her!! Hes been living with her ever sence. They live like 3 blocks from me!! ya really sucks. But i make it a point to just never go that way. Seems to help. OK soo me and my ex have been NO CONTACT for 3 months on the 20th and am so proud of us(me and him) cause we always had a problem with N/C. I tell you all that to tell you this..I basically helped him get over me and helped him get through OUR breakup. I know that now. I should have went N/C right off the bat. And people on here kept telling me that but I (like You) wouldnt listen. I wish i could do a "do over" cause id stop all contact when he started the need a break crap. I only really started healing when I went FULL N/C. Keeping in contact is only playing with your head!! Makes you think theres still hope and stuff, when in fact your just helping them get over your breakup. Its called a breakup because its broken..Dont let her USE you to get through YOUR GUYS breakup like i did..dumb dumb. and i just made things harder for myself casue i still held on to hope that it was a phase and hed come back. I think thats what your thinking too..WE ARE WRONG. its over. They already know that and in our heads we know that too. Our hearts just need to catch up with what we already know...Hope this story helps you..Good luck..
Author aypforever Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 Thanks for the responses. We are still NC, except for that one text a week ago. We haven't spoken since. Ever since that text I have become somewhat back to square one. I saw some of her friends at a restaurant last night, half expected her to be there with them as well and I had a mini panic attack. I'm obviously not over her. I probably won't be for quite some time. She gets her graduate degree in december and is leaving for the air force in january. This is likely one of the causes for the end. She has been dating a little bit, but nothing serious. It seems the guys she is dating end up not being what she wants.. and I'm sure she isn't looking for anything serious as she's going to be leaving. I don't know. The same week she sent me this message, I couldn't get her off my mind and was tempted to call her to see if she would want to meet up for lunch. I guess it's a good thing I didn't. Maybe one day I will.
Author aypforever Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 i just made things harder for myself casue i still held on to hope that it was a phase and hed come back. I think thats what your thinking too..WE ARE WRONG. its over. They already know that and in our heads we know that too. Our hearts just need to catch up with what we already know...Hope this story helps you..Good luck.. The difficulty I have is that I know in my mind and my heart that we are right for each other. We both need to figure out our lives and where we are going. It wasn't a bad break up. It was an indifferent break up. I had issues that I needed to fix.. got counseling, much needed change of major, moved back into town, started working, etcetc. I am in a better place now.. And I guess she is as well. It's crazy what breakups can do to you when you really realize what has happened.
1784 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 All I can say is this, and it's blunt. It takes two willing people to go forward with a relationship. This can be said at the very beginning and at times of breakups. Both people have to be on the same page. If you ever succeed in 'convincing' someone else to be with you, for whatever reason, then the time you're together is going to be short lived. It really is amazing how delicate the timing is of a relationship. That's why you should never take it for granted. The planets really do have to align for two people to be ready for one another at the exact same point in time. It's not something that happens every day. That being said, no matter what you think or how you feel, it doesn't matter unless the other person feels similarly. You can think whatever you like. You can think that she really IS the one. You can think that what you had was great. Honestly, it doesn't really matter unless she is thinking the same thing. If two people can arrive at that same place at the same time then you have a shot. If not, though, all you're doing is fooling yourself. You can't make up for what the other person lacks. Just because you REALLY REALLY want something doesn't fill in what the other person is missing. It sucks, I know. Believe me. Anyway, just thought I'd hit this thread with a dose of reality. Never fun but sometimes helpful. It takes two to tango. That's just the truth.
EmperorR Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 NC is for you to heal, the reason people recommend NC is to heal your heart and maintain your dignity, can you be ok with your ex dating someone new? going clubbing and to bars and hanging around a bunch of guys without feeling hurt? how about her telling you she slept with a guy yesterday as a friend you have to be ok with that right? By the time you fully heal you get to the point of not even wanting that person in your life even as a frienda nymore.
Fufu Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 NC is BS in your mind. Nc is for you to heal your emotional wounds, to rediscover yourself to be able to live happily without the existence of your ex in your anymore because the fact is no one will know if our exes will ever come back to us.
welikeincrowds Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) NC is just another word for purge. Going cold-turkey. You realize you were on drugs this whole time, right? In this way, saying "NC is BS" is kind of like saying "I don't have a problem." Who knows, maybe you don't, but if you do, you won't be able to heal until it's acknowledged. Otherwise, you're just going to prolong your own suffering. If these feelings weren't so slow and subtle, this question wouldn't even occur to you. Compare it to your senses, like when you feel temperature. Say you had a hot tub. Say it was nice and warm, and you were pleasantly relaxed, but then, it started getting cold. It became so cold so as to make you really uncomfortable. Maybe even freezing, let's say it got freezing. Well, you'd get out, right? Of course you would; you wouldn't leave in a single body part. And furthermore, you wouldn't get back in unless you were sure it was fixed, and if you couldn't be sure: it's a different hot tub, or no hot tub. I'm sure you could convince yourself, though, that it's good enough. You could go on Loveshack and start a thread (in the Water Cooler section) about whether or not you should reconcile with your hot tub. Then you'll experience a pattern where you go back in, it inevitably gets ****ed up again, you jump out, you wait a few days, you come back, etc. To deal with the stress and convince yourself of the struggle, you try to forget the misery, and you instead focus on all the warm times you had. You also delude yourself into the idea that maybe, this time, it won't get cold, or at least not for a while. And besides, it's the only hot tub you have access to right now, and think of all the trouble it would take to even find another one suitable for your property, much less install it, and all that time and all those fees, and what if it breaks like the last one did.... But come on. You don't need a hot tub to be happy. And if you eventually decide that you would really like one, well, this is 2011, and there's plenty of new hot tubs on the internet that are pleasant and won't go cold on you, and maybe can even give a better back massage. OK, this analogy is getting out of hand, but hopefully you see what I'm getting at. NC is a good thing and you should believe in it. It compensates for our natural shortcomings and allows you to heal. Edited April 17, 2011 by welikeincrowds
9Lives Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 How to stop loving someone who doesnt love you/want you anymore The Medicine Realize..it is pointless to hold on.Accept and face the truth that love is not possible.Make a clear decision to stop pursuing tthis person because they are not going to return love.love should be felt and returned on both sides...she aint returning this is not the perfect person for you....stop being stupid.it is very possible to stop loving someone. you will only keep getting hurt over and over and over again if you continue trying to keep hope alive Contact with her is not the answer. You got to get emotionally detached. You have to let your emotions detox. You have to get her out of your heart. She apparently got you out of hers....she ditched you. Winning!!
HeavenOrHell Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Like your last sentence says; not all situations are the same. For situations where the person who was left still wants their ex back but there's very little, or no hope, then NC is the way to go. My ex left after 18 years, we stayed in frequent contact, I couldn't move on because I was still seeing him, I couldn't let go of the feelings and love. After 6 or 7 months, I had to force myself to go NC as I couldn't bear it anymore, and by that point he was starting to have feelings for someone else, so it was more painful to stay in touch than to let go. It was scary letting go after 18 years together, but also a relief as I was finally able to let go of hope of reconciling, and could stop living in limbo, it only took a few weeks and I was able to let go. After a while we were able to be friends again, we both have other partners now, and me and him will always be close and have a special bond-but as friends not partners, I see him more as a best friend or brother now. For me, the in love feelings die if they're not being reciprocated, it takes two to create those feelings. If someone wants their ex back, whether they were the dumped or the dumper, even if you've gone NC, they will find a way to let it be known they want to reconcile. It doesn't mean you have to be rude or cold when you go NC, you just say like you did, that you can't be friends right now. A few months after we broke up (before going NC) I asked him if there was any hope of getting back together and he said no. You may want a chat like that at some point, so you know for sure what's what and then go NC if there's no hope, have closure. That's what I needed to do and it helped me. After a few months of contact with my ex, we finally said we needed some time apart or.. NC. A month later she contacts me asking if I would ever want to be friends. She asked this about a week before 1 month of NC. I was given the choice to either ignore her or answer her.. It came as a huge shock that she even sent me a text. It caught me completely off guard. I gathered my thoughts throughout the night and sent her a text back the next night. My message went something like, "I can't be friends right now." She responded back right away.. So, for those of us that actually still care about our exes, as well as our exes caring about us, is NC really an appropriate thing to do? They left us. They broke our hearts. They hurt. They miss us. I understand all that stuff. But, if we still have an interest in getting back together at some point, should we be completely ignoring them when they ask us something? Some of the comments I read on here about NC just seem ridiculous. Not all situations are the same, but we treat them all the same.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I think NC is the way to go, for yourself, not for them. You said it perfectly in one of your previous posts, when you said after the text you were right back at step one. That's what happens, unfortunately. You end up emotionally feeling like a yo yo every time there is contact. And if they have seemed to move on faster, and are dating others, then with contact you get to sit on the sidelines and watch them date. Probably not alot of fun. No, not all situations are the same. I will agree with that. But the one common thing you will see here, more than not, that those who are still in regular contact tend not to get back together faster (if that is going to happen) and are usually starting the healing process over and over again. Best of luck to you!!!
smudge21 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 NC isn't a rule, it's a guide. It is different to everyone and every situation. I did think me and the ex could be friends as that's how we started, but hearing about her engagement and eventually marriage plans just started to hurt so much and I said goodbye. We chatted about it, but I couldn't be her friend so had to go full NC. I don't expect to get her back through NC, it was totally for my healing. To get rid of that emotional bond I have for her.
stopthemadness Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 How to stop loving someone who doesnt love you/want you anymore The Medicine Realize..it is pointless to hold on.Accept and face the truth that love is not possible.Make a clear decision to stop pursuing tthis person because they are not going to return love.love should be felt and returned on both sides...she aint returning this is not the perfect person for you....stop being stupid.it is very possible to stop loving someone. you will only keep getting hurt over and over and over again if you continue trying to keep hope alive Contact with her is not the answer. You got to get emotionally detached. You have to let your emotions detox. You have to get her out of your heart. She apparently got you out of hers....she ditched you. Winning!! Good post 9 lives!! You soo made me laugh with the Winning!!! But your words ring so true. I know I lived it..I once sounded just like aypforever, it took me getting walked on for a while for me to get it but i did!! Ya the Stopping ALL contact is very hard at FIRST but am here to tell you it does get easier. And YES life goes on..
Author aypforever Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 I'm just going to leave the NC for now. We have no reason to talk anyways. She is leaving for Europe in two weeks with my sis and cousin. Maybe I will talk to her when she gets back. I'm not too fixated on it though. These break ups are pretty sad. It's a very selfish thing to do. Now I'm being selfish and taking care of myself..
9Lives Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Good post 9 lives!! You soo made me laugh with the Winning!!! But your words ring so true. I know I lived it..I once sounded just like aypforever, it took me getting walked on for a while for me to get it but i did!! Ya the Stopping ALL contact is very hard at FIRST but am here to tell you it does get easier. And YES life goes on.. That is Charlie Sheens favor line. I love it!!! he is totally a loser in this time in his life. Yeah Im still struggling. It has not been fun. I have to practice what I preach. I have been doing that but it really sucks but it is definately the best way to go. I know it is right
Author aypforever Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 That is Charlie Sheens favor line. I love it!!! he is totally a loser in this time in his life. Yeah Im still struggling. It has not been fun. I have to practice what I preach. I have been doing that but it really sucks but it is definately the best way to go. I know it is right I guess it is our heads that do the typing on here, but it's still our hearts that control our emotions. My head a lot more logical than my heart at this time.
9Lives Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I guess it is our heads that do the typing on here, but it's still our hearts that control our emotions. My head a lot more logical than my heart at this time. Logical is the only way to go. Otherwise you make a huge fool of yourself and still get the same results....nothing. I have just stop fighting the thoughts in my head and let them take their course now, I do remind myself all day long that there is no hope..never going to be together. I cant stop my brain for replaying all the different things that has happen between us. I find it easier to let them be there and leave than to keep fighting the memories that keep comimg back anyway. I should have been over it by now but I was doing alot of things wrong and really just dealing and not healing. How you get to the other side is important. dont add fuel to the fire.
stopthemadness Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Logical is the only way to go. Otherwise you make a huge fool of yourself and still get the same results....nothing. I have just stop fighting the thoughts in my head and let them take their course now, I do remind myself all day long that there is no hope..never going to be together. I cant stop my brain for replaying all the different things that has happen between us. I find it easier to let them be there and leave than to keep fighting the memories that keep comimg back anyway. I should have been over it by now but I was doing alot of things wrong and really just dealing and not healing. How you get to the other side is important. dont add fuel to the fire. Wow! it feels like the three of us are all on the same page!! I too like 9 lives have the thoughts of him off and on all day. BUT I do NOT act on any of them.I know that as time goes by my heart will heal (Am counting on it!) Like you i just give into the thoughts of him being there instead of fighting them. I see a therapist, and if we need to feel sad, feel sad but dont stay at sad. Move on keep your self busy. And no there is NO one time frame of when we should be over them. Its different for everyone. Hang in there!! We can do this............
Author aypforever Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 In the long run we will be happy if we want to be happy. The logical side says, she doesn't want to be with you, so that won't make her happy and in turn won't make you happy. My heart says I know I can make her happy and that would make me happy. It's silly how our body works. My therapist tells me to really feel the sadness. Feel it enough to know that it's there and then do something about it. It could be a bike ride or talking to a friend or whatever.. I have learned A LOT about myself these past few months... Now I just need to learn that I am better off without her.
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