Do we both deserve another chance? 2 year spouse...

[SoundBoy]

Right, okay, I have literally just signed up to this forum because, in all honesty, I have not got another soul to speak too.

 

Me and my on/off partner where together for 18 months. We both lost our virginity's to each other (not relevant at this stage) and were going strong up until Christmas just passed.

 

We had a mutual break up which was more one-sided for her other than me. So, getting along with our lifes, and still remaining in contact over texts and messages over Facebook, we agreed that it would be good to try and rebuild our relationship again in weeks to come. We had a sqaubble and she decided that nothing would change between us (being as emotional as she is + over analyzes everything) I threw in the towel, knowing she meant what she said, I cut off contact with her completely for 14 days.

 

Missing out a few bits and bobs here and jumping to the point...within those 14 days, I was feeling, literally, like I wasnt going to meet anyone, ever again. not like her, not the way she done things, how she looked at me, how she smelt the way she cared and looked after me etc it hurt me knowing all those experiences, are memories that im not going to have again...I started speaking friendly to a girl, nothing flirtatious or forward, got on well. She invited me round, and me being as stupid as it sounds (inexperienced with situations like these as my ex is the only one its happened with before) I went round her house, not even thinking what may happen, she didnt come across as that sort of girl...things got heated, and in the space of 40 minutes I had sex with her...I know SEX is SEX no matter how you may describe what happened or how it happened, It happened within the advertisments on tele, I had all my clothing on, from my college bag to my hat. After about 5 minutes I decided this isn't what i wanted at all.

 

Not feeling bad because, hey, she said she doesnt want me and cant have me back, i kept it to my chest. Next day feeling lower than the soil we walk on, I felt this immense pressure and guilt and sadness overflowing, which felt like my veins had been injected with nothing but anti-serotonine. I decided to start, slowly speaking to her again and to my surprise she was happy I was because she was to scared too, I took advice from my parents and they said, plain and simply "honesty is the best policy" which is something i definitely stand for. month and 2 weeks passed, I met my ex for the first time since Christmas...We slept together, at this point she still didn't know What I had done, And i was so scared!!

 

She found out I had slept with his girl through the actual girl I slept with from word of mouth, and in the first hour, she reacted and responded very well. 3 days went by and i spontaeneously get a very horrible message of how im a shallow this and that, insult galore and, I deserved it, well, considering she found out through a friend and not through me, i think that was the icing and the sugar on the cake.

 

Previous to this story, in the Christmas, till recent days, Every week she used to go to this flat, with her mates, which this lad owned. I knew she was going and she knew I knew, I always thought them to would hit it off before I slept with someone.

 

After she found out I slept with this girl, she kept her mouth closed to me, didnt reply to anything I done, flowers, chocolates, every meal invite, nothing. about, 4 days ago (12/04) she spontaeneously started texting me, with kisses on the end of texts, explaining why she is, i had the excuse because she loved me. I knew something weird was up because she wouldnt text me like this unless she needed to tell me something urgent or she needed a lift somewhere. I knew it wouldnt be a lift because she now drives herself...

 

I kept my thoughts to myself about it all untill we met, the following day. We were getting on really well, kissing and cuddling it was like nothing got in our way...We were very smitten at my home untill she said the dreaded words "we need to talk" and as soon as she finished saying that I said, " have you done something with someone"? her reply was "yes" i said, was it with that boy you have been going round with? she said yes.

 

I saw red, Words cannot describe how broken I was, It was a very confusing situation to be in! I cant exactly say anything now can i? I done it myself!

 

This is where I need YOUR advice, Im sorry for taking long to get into but im trying to give you the full picture!

 

I was saying such horrible things, I told her to go F$£k her mom, get ranover, and god bless her, "get cancer and die". Now, im nearly 20...and that is so immature and spiteful, i feel violated about my own actions! I told her to go wash her dirty self, and she was in absolute pieces. Shaking, her lips were turning blue because she couldn't breath. As soon as i started realizing this, i came down from my anger and started conversing with her properly.

 

She said she done it because she didn't feel like she had to hold back for me, Why should she have to stop herself If I didnt?

 

Dont get me wrong, shes no ones property and neither am I.

 

I was and still am angry at the fact me, and plenty others, think she got revenge on me, and I dont want to know a girl, with that mental outlook on things, espeacilly after she thinks it would of made us better, her very words were "two wrongs dont make a right but it makes us even". Why would anyone, think that doing that, to become even, would make someone think "yeah okay lets get on with it". As immature as it sounds, I feel now, like I have to go out and do it again so she knows what revenge is like!. Obviously im not going to but it sure does feel that way. I didn't set off to hurt her, she hurt me, told me were not getting back together, So i went to a friends house, and low and behold, I should of thought before hand, look what happened. I cant even remember it, I cant even remember how it felt.

 

Just tell me what to do, She slept with him, 3 days after she found out. If it was 3 months, I couldn't say its for revenge because its 3 months, not 3 days! She cheated on me, kissed someone, 4 months into the relationship, I was hurting..? I didn't go and get revenge? What would you do? We dont have the cute little "We've only experienced each other" cliche, Fair enough i gave the green light to go and do it and not hold back, but, setting off to purposely hurt me and get back at me seems a step to far. People said its because shes hurting, she wanted you to feel how she felt. I haven had one good bit of advice yet, so please, Im pulling my hair out, I can learn to live with it, the sex factor bitters me, but the revenge factor overwhelms me.

 

thank you for reading and thank you for your replys (if any!!)

 

Tom

[carhill]

I envision a long-winded reply but it's Saturday and I'm tired.

 

Having been 20 a lifetime ago, I can only offer that the impetus for your very well-written post, those vivid and sometimes overwhelming emotions, will moderate with time and life experience and you'll come to see this story as a very normal part of life. You'll learn from each of these experiences (you've alluded to a couple lessons here) and, one day, all that learning will combine with a compatible partner whose also learned her lessons and you'll walk the path of life together, learning from each other without the rancor and the emotional responses of a 20 year old. This is normal.

 

Someone perhaps a bit more blunt than myself would opine that the best way to get over her is to get under someone else, which means go out and validate your potency with another woman just because you can. For some people, this works well. Unknown if applicable to you.

 

Now, your title does confuse me somewhat for, if she's your 'spouse', that would mean you're married legally, and different circumstances apply. Can you clarify this?

 

Welcome to LS

[SoundBoy]

But wanting her back, I cannot go and do that to her? I would of then walked down the path she did before the chance arrived for to sleep with someone else. If that was the case, Wouldn't this become a vicious cycle of revenge on revenge? It has to stop somewhere, And if I go and get under someone else, She will also have the right reasons to do so. I want her back, and she wants me back, But I cant see it working unless she knows deep down why she done it.

 

She knows, She feels bad, And its eating at her as I can see from recent posts and texts to my friend about us. Thanks for your reply and that has gave me a huge heads up for the future. Just at times like these, Who doesn't think their recent love isn't the "one".

 

And spouse, Here in the U.K can be a person you live with or take a mortgage out with.

[carhill]

Ah, here in the US, the word 'spouse' is generally reserved for legal marriages. Here's an excerpt on unmarried cohabitation in the UK, relevant to other forms of partnership:

 

Cohabitation - living together

 

There are over four million couples living together in England and Wales in cohabitation. Although cohabitants are now given legal protection in several areas, they and their families have significantly fewer rights and responsibilities than people who are married or who have formed a civil partnership.

Most people think that, after they've been living with their partner for a couple of years, they become 'common law husband and wife' with the same rights as married couples. This is not the case. In fact, couples who live together have hardly any of the same rights as married couples or civil partners.

There is no such thing as ‘common law marriage’.

If you are living together as a couple, there are steps you can take to protect yourself and your partner. There are also ways to minimise the legal and financial problems which may arise if, as can happen, you decide to separate, or if one of you dies.

You can find out about the current rights of cohabiting couples from Advicenow – an independent website offering information on rights and legal issues. Their ‘Living Together’ campaign is intended to make both opposite and same-sex cohabitants more aware of their legal status. The campaign also provides advice on how to protect yourself and your family, should you wish to do so.

If you would like more information about the differences in the legal position of married and unmarried couples, the ‘Married or Not’ section of the One Plus One website provides an overview.

My advice would be to talk face to face about the status of the relationship. If it's done (meaning 'over'), you each are free to pursue other love interests, even if reconciliation is in your future. Here in the U.S., married couples who 'separate', even though still legally married, might agree to an unrestricted separation, where each partner can date (or not) as they see fit. Such activities have nothing to do with any potential for reconciliation (or not) or continuing of the marriage (or not).

 

Get together, make a decision, and then execute. IME, you'll find a lot of health in a calm and respectful discussion of your relationship. The outcome might not be what you like (ours was to divorce) but clarity will bring you peace.

 

If she refuses to talk with you directly, consider the relationship over and move on, erasing her from your life through NC. Relationships occur and/or continue when and if both parties are willing and desirous of them. If not, not. Acceptance is key.