rainier Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I have been avoiding LS because I have had set back and I am so lost again. I feel like the only place to come clean is here because nobody else can relate. My Xmm ended it and then texts me see how I was doing, wanted to come to one of my classes(I am a spinning teacher). After he saw me he kept saying how good it was to see me and thinks about me. I held back but we did talk about meeting over the wknd as "friends" and working out together. Well, he text me yesterday and says how busy he is and will not be able to meet. I want to want NC but sadly I am stuck. I ended up calling stressing that if he is keeping on contact as a charity case, then I am not interested. He said that he loves my company but things have not changed on his end. He initiated all contact, tried to see me, and all over again he pulls back. Is this a game to him or is he struggling like me? How do I get the courage to ask him to stay out of my life even though it is not what I want. He is denying he has feelings still and holding on so even if I confront him, it is still the same. I feel like the first day all over again. I know so many of you have done this rollercoaster ride so how do you get yourself to think with your head and not your heart?
carhill Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Change your contact information so he cannot contact you. Erase all data to contact him from your devices. Grieve. Connect with friends. Seek out their support. Accept your feelings. Time and acceptance are your allies. I dealt with similar circumstances (gender reversed) over a period of about 10 years as an OM and again later as a MM (same person). Eventually, one's brain gets it right. Each of us is different. Therapy was my key. Yours may be different. One day at a time.
DCMNW Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 My situation is very similar. xMM ended things b/c he "needs to figure out his life" then kept calling me, saying he missed hearing my voice and still wanted to be friends. I was hesitant at first and told him I need some time to clear my head and figure out if I would be able to just be friends with him. I caved after not talking to him for a few days and then he suddenly pulled away again and I didn't hear from him for 4 or 5 days. I questioned him about it and he said he needs a clear head to figure out his life and is worried if we keep talking it will turn into something. I was upset and said I wish he would have just left me alone when it first ended. He apologized and said he doesnt want to be on bad terms (we work together so we cross paths occasionally). Then 2 days later he calls again just to "say hi" and have small talk. I am trying not to overanalyze this. Im in the same boat trying to figure him out, dont know whether its a game, he is confused as to whether he wants me in his life still, or he just feels bad and contacts me as a charity case as you put. In the end I fear they keep contact so they dont lose us completely, so we'll still be there if they dont end up working things out with the W. Its still hard to tell them you dont want contact when in fact we really do, even though we know its not good for us. Good luck and try to stay strong.
Amour7 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 First of all, Rainier, welcome back. We're still here for you, no matter how many times you cave. This is where people will understand just how hard your situation is for you right now. You asked about what to do when your head and heart are in conflict. Someone on another thread gave great advice. Listen to your gut. My therapist asked me to do this, too, when I complained about the disconnect between what my head was telling my to do (my rational self) and my heart (my emotions and desires). What did my gut tell me? It was never going to work out with my MM. I felt it in my gut and still do, even though there are crazy moments in my fragile state of NC where I start fantasizing about him coming back. Again, my gut tells me under no circumstances will a relationship with MM be happy, healthy, committed, and trusting. My head backs me up on what my gut says, too. What does your gut tell you? My heart goes out to you at this tough time. Hugs, Rainier.
Author rainier Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 thank you all. It does seem like a game and yes, in my gut, I know it is not meant to be. He goes back and forth and only seems to chase when I pull away. I need to tell myself this is not love. He wants you on the side but still won't admit he still has feelings standing behind the "friend" angle. One minute I am strong and then I want to crumble. My head says I have a good husband , kids etc... but why is it not enough
Flabbergaster Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Rainier you're not the only one to struggle with NC. Stand up as many times as you fall down, and you will be a winner. I understand why you're answering the phone...you're hoping that something good can be communicated. Honey...there's nothing either of you could say now that would make it stop hurting. You might want him in your life, but it's not going to happen in a way that you like. So yes, you do want him out of your life. Because you'll go nuts with him still in it. How do you find the courage to tell him off? By realizing that you are going to drown if you don't. Try, try, try again. realize that the last times you broke in...didn't really make it better, did they? Send him a note (A NOTE because there can't be discussion) that you are done with this A because it is painful and damaging to you, that you would beg him to prove he cares for you by not trying to contact you, by moving on with his life. He wants you on the side but still won't admit he still has feelings standing behind the "friend" angle. Ok...i'm going to break the Brotherhood of Men and tell you an inviolate secret. I might be shot for this, or at least wedgied. The first thing they teach men at the secret "male training camp" ... NEVER let her think you are just out to get laid. Always let her think you're just friends, if that's the goal. Lesson two involves tequila, a volkswagon beetle, a jello mold, and a pair of spandex pants. lesson one is much more useful, to tell the truth, especially when trying to score with a MW. One minute I am strong and then I want to crumble. My head says I have a good husband , kids etc... but why is it not enough Cause you're thinking with a broken heart, not with your head. SLAP yourself when you think wrongly, get out of shock. Write down that you have a good husband and kids. Put this note on your cell phone, your monitor, your keyboard. Think about this before responding. Build barriers to breaking NC before you go NC. Build support, before. PM with someone here, find a 'coping buddy' who is also struggling with NC or first stages of NC. Then the walls will be in place, you can go for NC with defenses up.
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I have been avoiding LS because I have had set back and I am so lost again. I feel like the only place to come clean is here because nobody else can relate. My Xmm ended it and then texts me see how I was doing, wanted to come to one of my classes(I am a spinning teacher). After he saw me he kept saying how good it was to see me and thinks about me. I held back but we did talk about meeting over the wknd as "friends" and working out together. Well, he text me yesterday and says how busy he is and will not be able to meet. I want to want NC but sadly I am stuck. I ended up calling stressing that if he is keeping on contact as a charity case, then I am not interested. He said that he loves my company but things have not changed on his end. He initiated all contact, tried to see me, and all over again he pulls back. Is this a game to him or is he struggling like me? How do I get the courage to ask him to stay out of my life even though it is not what I want. He is denying he has feelings still and holding on so even if I confront him, it is still the same. I feel like the first day all over again. I know so many of you have done this rollercoaster ride so how do you get yourself to think with your head and not your heart? It's all about him, notice that? Has he thought how painful it is for you, keeping intouch? Nope. And, as soon as he feels you're getting closer to him again, wanting him, wanting more, he disappears... You can be there for him, but he can't be there for you. Get it? This is how the game goes, cat and mouse... NC will stick when you're truly ready to work through this, let go forever, really GRIEVE and want him out of your life. When you have hit your rock bottom and don't want to see or talk to him anymore. Somehow the strength will come because you'll notice not having him around, not seeing/talking to him is easier on you. Just tell him that you don't want him to call, email or text you anymore. That if he sees you in spinning class, or anywhere else, to just go about his own business and not approach you. Ask him to RESPECT your wishes.
Author rainier Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 I can't tell you how great it is to have you all here knowing what it feels like and have some place to go. I appreciate you breaking the "male bond"! and filling me in. I am starting the fight all over again, mostly with myself. I confided in a friend and her first reaction was how cocky and selfish he is. It opened my eyes that yes, it is all about him. So many memories to push away though and reminders to get through. That is why I find it so tough. I also started therapy two months back and hoped it would do more for me than it has. I guess I am not sure what to expect since nobody can fix me except me.
fooled once Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I have been avoiding LS because I have had set back and I am so lost again. I feel like the only place to come clean is here because nobody else can relate. My Xmm ended it and then texts me see how I was doing, wanted to come to one of my classes(I am a spinning teacher). After he saw me he kept saying how good it was to see me and thinks about me. I held back but we did talk about meeting over the wknd as "friends" and working out together. Well, he text me yesterday and says how busy he is and will not be able to meet. I want to want NC but sadly I am stuck. I ended up calling stressing that if he is keeping on contact as a charity case, then I am not interested. He said that he loves my company but things have not changed on his end. He initiated all contact, tried to see me, and all over again he pulls back. Is this a game to him or is he struggling like me? How do I get the courage to ask him to stay out of my life even though it is not what I want. He is denying he has feelings still and holding on so even if I confront him, it is still the same. I feel like the first day all over again. I know so many of you have done this rollercoaster ride so how do you get yourself to think with your head and not your heart? He is playing a game. Cat and mouse. Pull you in, push you away. He knows you will continue to be there, no matter how many times he pulls away or lets you down. As they say, he has your number. He isn't struggling .... he is enjoying the attention you give him. He is telling you he has no 'love' feelings for you - believe him. Continue NC. But you have to truly be ready to be DONE for it to work. Change your contact information so he cannot contact you. Erase all data to contact him from your devices. Grieve. Connect with friends. Seek out their support. Accept your feelings. Time and acceptance are your allies. I dealt with similar circumstances (gender reversed) over a period of about 10 years as an OM and again later as a MM (same person). Eventually, one's brain gets it right. Each of us is different. Therapy was my key. Yours may be different. One day at a time. Great post
MLC64 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Rainier you're not the only one to struggle with NC. Stand up as many times as you fall down, and you will be a winner. I understand why you're answering the phone...you're hoping that something good can be communicated. Honey...there's nothing either of you could say now that would make it stop hurting. You might want him in your life, but it's not going to happen in a way that you like. So yes, you do want him out of your life. Because you'll go nuts with him still in it. How do you find the courage to tell him off? By realizing that you are going to drown if you don't. Try, try, try again. realize that the last times you broke in...didn't really make it better, did they? Send him a note (A NOTE because there can't be discussion) that you are done with this A because it is painful and damaging to you, that you would beg him to prove he cares for you by not trying to contact you, by moving on with his life. Ok...i'm going to break the Brotherhood of Men and tell you an inviolate secret. I might be shot for this, or at least wedgied. The first thing they teach men at the secret "male training camp" ... NEVER let her think you are just out to get laid. Always let her think you're just friends, if that's the goal. Lesson two involves tequila, a volkswagon beetle, a jello mold, and a pair of spandex pants. lesson one is much more useful, to tell the truth, especially when trying to score with a MW. Cause you're thinking with a broken heart, not with your head. SLAP yourself when you think wrongly, get out of shock. Write down that you have a good husband and kids. Put this note on your cell phone, your monitor, your keyboard. Think about this before responding. Build barriers to breaking NC before you go NC. Build support, before. PM with someone here, find a 'coping buddy' who is also struggling with NC or first stages of NC. Then the walls will be in place, you can go for NC with defenses up. I would have to agree with this full heartedly...I tried so hard to get a "coping buddy"...yesterday I got weak following a funeral and being all emotional....broke NC after 7 days...just a text I had written and saved...had not sent. I missed him so bad and felt horrible for the ending and wanted him to know. He repsonded immediately, saying hi and we shared a few words that were kind, nothing about continuing or the such. I don't feel bad I feel better b/c I simply wanted him to know I was thinking of him. He has felt the same nothing else said. It is hard, it really is and you need to get a buddy. I tried....I posted enough to be able to send PM's but couldn't yesterday when I needed to first. Might have saved me....I am not beating myself up. Will dust off and start anew. My heart is sad and I am feeling I have lost a best friend, that is the worst part for me. Good luck and listen to everything thing these people say. I have never gone past two days before, he would always contact me. New day, new start. Such is life.
Summer Breeze Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Hey sweetie. I'm going to start by disagreeing a little bit with people. He is struggling. I've known enough people in As to know that once it ends both parties don't just walk into the sunset. They hurt, and reconcile, and try to move on but it's not easy for either side. Many react in a cruel fashion and sounds like yours may be one of them. I had a conversation with someone in another forum. He was a MM and he loved his W and his OW and wanted both. Typical CE. He said that at one point he needed to control his OW more so played the game yours is playing with you. He's basically showing you there is a place for you if you want it and this is it. I'll call it friends now but the intention is to make your corner of my world smaller than what it was before but we'd still have something. By the time you've ridden that rollercoaster and been without him and he's given you samples of what you've missed he figures you'll be happy with that tiny place. Don't lose yourself in any R. Don't allow anyone to become more important than you are for more than a moment. Agree to meet him and you tell him when YOU are available. Take some power back. When he calls or texts let it go for a while. Give him a tiny piece of your life and see how he reacts. Then see how you react. You'll feel stronger and more independent of him. You'll see that all he's offering in his life isn't worth leaving behind your life for. Get yourself a buddy here and even if they're in another state have a date playing Scrabble online and let him know you've got plans with a friend. I believe you said you're married. Start giving your H back his place in your life or cut him loose. You hate being given next to nothing with MM so figure how your H must be feeling. Reclaim your life. Don't be an accessory in his.
Author rainier Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 I woke up this morning sad as ever and trying to be normal with my family is the hardest parta. Everybody has a different viewpoint I see. I realize that he has all the control and what his intentions are is what I struggle with. I have to let go of that and believe what he says and not what he does. He says just friends but I will have to be strong enough to say no to that. I cannot move on and be his friend. This is also where I struggle. Cat and mouse, struggling... all of it equal sadness and hurt. I just want it all to go away
jj33 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I have to agree with Summer Breeze here I dont think he is intentionally playing a game he is struggling and trying to find some way, any way, to keep you in his life while keeping his intact. The first thing you have to do is decide what you want. Do you want your marriage? If so how are you going to reconnect? If not that is a much bigger issue and MM may be intertwined with that lurking issue. Then there is the question of whether you want NC. You have to accept what he says at face value. People like to tell others what they want to hear so if he is telling you that he has a firm boundary (nothing has changed on his side) I would beleive that. The question then is knowing that, how do you feel about being in contact with him. If you dont want a small peice of his world, and cant make him a small piece of yours, then I would follow the guidelines for bolstering your support for limiting contact. And no you dont want him in your class you dont want to work out with him. It just keeps you wanting more IMHO On the other hand if you actually want to CE as well, maybe having him in your life on a limited basis works for you?
Author rainier Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 This weekend was really hard. He initiated contact after nc and then I gave into it. Now he is pulling away again. He said it is too hard to see me in person after tracking me down last week. He still text me but not to continue our A. After a year and a half how do I end this? I am so tired yet don't feel ready to send the..." don't contact" me again. I sometimes feel it is just easier to not say it but is it a cop out hoping it will just go away. Honestly, I have to say that I hope he changes his mind even though that will get me no where. So as options, text NC, short email, or call and tell over phone. From experience what seems to be the most effective? I know I am all over the place but I had to express my anxiety and sadness somewhere and not with my children. School vacation week here so trying to stay busy
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