scamsgalore Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 (edited) So I've recently been reading that men consider a needy woman a turn off. I have to retort. To all the men who think this: I have a news flash for you. a woman who is NOT needy - DOESN'T NEED YOU. She doesn't give a damn about you, or your life, she is not INTO YOU. Also, a woman who is NOT needy is either a) a lesbian b) has a low libido c) is involved with several other men I understand if any of the above women are your type, then of course, you are NOT my type. I say, what is wrong with needing someone's affection? I think that is the whole point of relationships. If I didn't have to be NEEDY, I wouldn't NEED a man. My life would just be so easy. So for the women who feel the need for the object of their affection but feel that they should change their attitudes just to attract them --- It's never your fault that he doesn't like you, you shoudn't change how you feel. It is THEIR fault. They are the ones with the WRONG attitude. They for some counter-intuitive manner, doesn't value the woman who are obviously smitten by them. If you had charmed the woman in the first place to get some attention, well, you have gained their attention. Should you not reap your benefits instead of 'getting turned off' ? I blame the ideology of the Americans. Somehow their 'RULES' for dating has swept across the Western world and men have adopted these increasingly pompous attitudes. Put a stop to this sexist propaganda so our men would just start to think for themselves. Edited April 16, 2011 by scamsgalore grammatical error
lolo1234 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I think that neediness coming from a man or a woman is a turn off. The problem with neediness is this: if I get that needy vibe very early on then it just feels like this guy would go for any bone that came his way. Sorry, that's not someone liking you for who you are or truly appreciating your qualities. Also, with a needy person you just feel very responsible for how they are feeling. No one wants to feel like their every action or utterance is going to have a profound affect on another person. Especially someone you are just getting to know. Its freaking annoying as hell! A needy man makes me want to run the other way and I'm sure a man feels the same way. Neediness is also very selfish... because if you're needy then its really all about you and your needs.
orangelady Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 So I've recently been reading that men consider a needy woman a turn off. I have to retort. To all the men who think this: I have a news flash for you. a woman who is NOT needy - DOESN'T NEED YOU. She doesn't give a damn about you, or your life, she is not INTO YOU. Also, a woman who is NOT needy is either a) a lesbian b) has a low libido c) is involved with several other men I understand if any of the above women are your type, then of course, you are NOT my type. I say, what is wrong with needing someone's affection? I think that is the whole point of relationships. If I didn't have to be NEEDY, I wouldn't NEED a man. My life would just be so easy. So for the women who feel the need for the object of their affection but feel that they should change their attitudes just to attract them --- It's never your fault that he doesn't like you, you shoudn't change how you feel. It is THEIR fault. They are the ones with the WRONG attitude. They for some counter-intuitive manner, doesn't value the woman who are obviously smitten by them. If you had charmed the woman in the first place to get some attention, well, you have gained their attention. Should you not reap your benefits instead of 'getting turned off' ? I blame the ideology of the Americans. Somehow their 'RULES' for dating has swept across the Western world and men have adopted these increasingly pompous attitudes. Put a stop to this sexist propaganda so our men would just start to think for themselves. omg...I love you.
daphne Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 There's some truth in this post, but you're not going to change human nature. We all think this way. Especially in the early stages of dating, neediness is a turn off. However, sometimes it is just an indication that there is a strong interest level in someone who does just really like the other person. Women do it too though. You'd think that the species would die out given their strong preference to dodge those with high interest levels.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Let me tell you something: When I am dating someone I am not that into, I am NEVER needy, insecure, emotional etc. I am perfectly logical and level headed. Why? Because I simply don't care. The guy hasn't responded to my text? I barely noticed, let alone got upset enough to have an emotional reaction. Now, when I REALLY like a guy I get insecure. I spend hours thinking about him, analyzing his every word, waiting for his text with butterflies in my stomach. I worry if he likes me. I try not to show it but it slips out anyway. The difference between needy and non-needy woman? Her level of interest in you. Simple as that. Also, I tend to cringe when my male friends talk about girls they consider psycho. Just by examples they give, the women they talk about don't seem psycho at all. They just seem like women that liked them a LOT.
Eclypse Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I wish my girlfriend was more needy. I want to play the knight in shining armor role more often. I really do, but I guess I'm kinda needy as well so this would give me validation. I would love for her to call or text me every night and ask how I am and what am I doing etc.
chuckles11 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Neediness is a turn off. I prefer to be in relationships with people who have balance in their lives and interests outside of our relationship. This post just sounds like an attempt to justify poor impulse control.
iris219 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 (edited) There's a big difference between needing a man and wanting a man. I don't need a man because I have a good life with good friends, and I make enough money to support myself. My life is full without a man and overall I'm happy. I still, however, want a man. Who wants to be with someone needy? Not me. Maybe we're defining the term differently. Edited April 16, 2011 by iris219
jane100 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 scamsgalore, great post. at some point, need does rear its pretty head, and its sweet, and there is nothing wrong with it.
MarlyStar Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 There's a huge difference between need and neediness. Need is very similar to desire. I desire the attention and affection of those I love. Neediness is very similar to clinginess. However much I desire the affection and attention of my SO, I'm not clingy and do not wish him to be clingy to me. Neediness is seated in insecurity and the lack of autonomy. It's often based on a fear of abandonment and a fear of being alone. Neediness leads very, very often to neurosis, manipulation, and passive aggressive behavior. Neediness is a burden to both people in a couple. Needy people are usually takers, altho they believe they are givers because they will DO ANYTHING for the relationship. It's a trap, because the giving all comes with strings attached. My MIL was needy. She would do anything (badly) that you asked. She was constantly whining to do you laundry, water your plants, paint your closets, organize your cabinets. But in return--and she'd never admit it--she wanted absolute loyalty, attention, and ego stroking. She wanted your soul and your life in return. It was a horrible bargain to get out of doing your own laundry. Needy people turn very ugly when their needs aren't met. And it's very difficult to meet them. Need--when it is synomous with desire--is very different. We all have needs for attention and affection, we all have a need to belong and have ties to others. And in healthy relationships those needs are reciprocal and autonomous. They don't smother like neediness does. The OP used the word neediness and then defined need, mixing the two things up. Most people know the difference and flee from the first and seek the second. Needy people don't know the difference. They believe their gushing, lavish devotion is an asset. But it's not, it's a trojan horse. Most people who have been burned by the neediness of someone else, will avoid it like the plague in the future.
irc333 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 So it's a double standard? There's some truth in this post, but you're not going to change human nature. We all think this way. Especially in the early stages of dating, neediness is a turn off. However, sometimes it is just an indication that there is a strong interest level in someone who does just really like the other person. Women do it too though. You'd think that the species would die out given their strong preference to dodge those with high interest levels.
Nexus One Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 The question/issue here is not neediness versus not-neediness. The question is, where do you draw the line. If an SO starts becoming so needy that he or she starts to make you feel cornered, tries to pressure you, control you and manipulate you, then there's nothing wrong with finding that unattractive.
Stung Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I'm not sure I could disagree with you more, but perhaps we are just disagreeing on the term. Needy implies clingy, smothering, helpless, insecure, weak. Needy is not the same as loving or wanting or enjoying, or the normal reliance on a partner. I am very happily married, monogamous, have a high libido, I do love my husband, and I can assure you I'm not needy and my husband would find it unattractive if I were--just as I would find it unattractive in him. Of course we are partners who rely on each other to help raise our children and build our future, we count on each other to be there, but we don't wallow and cling, yuck. FWIW, I have known several needy lesbians, and needy men. Not quite sure where you're getting your ideas from.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 However, sometimes it is just an indication that there is a strong interest level in someone who does just really like the other person. I agree. When I'm not that into a guy, I ask very little from him. But when I really, really like him, I want it all. As a Florence + the Machine song says: "I never wanted anything from you... except everything you had and what was left after that, too."
Woggle Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I want a woman to want me and I mean really really want me but she needs have some independence as well because then she is sucking the life out of me and encroaching on my freedom. There is a difference between genuine want and desire and leech like neediness. I hope I am right but a woman does not have to be dangerously obsessed in order to truly care about a man.
threebyfate Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 There's a reasonability factor to this. If you need someone to make you happy, you're asking a lot from your partner. Why should anyone shoulder this need since you are responsible for your own happiness? This would be vampiric/parasitic in nature. Relationships are to enhance the lives of both partners where the two of you create a stable platform based on love, trust and respect. There will be a form of voluntary symbiosis.
january2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 The question/issue here is not neediness versus not-neediness. The question is, where do you draw the line. If an SO starts becoming so needy that he or she starts to make you feel cornered, tries to pressure you, control you and manipulate you, then there's nothing wrong with finding that unattractive. This. That is, it's all relative to each individual within the relationship.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Needy, clingy, creepy, stalkerish, etc are just words used when a person doesn't make one horny enough. Why do guys like Charlie Sheen get "smoking hotties" when they are certified in sane? Why is the crazy hot scale true? I say the above because I have seen people called that for sending one too many text.
Woggle Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Needy, clingy, creepy, stalkerish, etc are just words used when a person doesn't make one horny enough. Why do guys like Charlie Sheen get "smoking hotties" when they are certified in sane? Why is the crazy hot scale true? This is not true. If my wife started telling what to do and what friends to have I would quickly lose attraction. You don't have to own a person in order to love them.
TheLoneSock Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 A guy who doesn't enjoy a bit of neediness from their girl is the male equivelant of a girl who gets sick of a guy after she feels she has 'conquered' or 'tamed' him. It is not about a relationship, or even meeting the opposite sex for these people. It is about the high of the challenge. They are destructive people who leave a lot of pain in their wake, and should be avoided like the plague. Healthy people do not act like this.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I was dating six guys at once, none of them exclusive or serious relationships, for awhile. Then I met my current boyfriend, he kissed me, and I dumped all the rest of the guys and became his girlfriend. Why? Because he actually acted like he NEEDED me. I actually love neediness. People see neediness and confuse it with psychopathy though. If someone is literally never allowing you to ever go out with friends or do anything without them, then that's different, but a lot of people exaggerate it. Sometimes people confuse receiving a few too many texts and someone asking occasionally for you to stay home with them and someone getting insecure with someone who is being a psychopath. My boyfriend does all those things and I'm very comfortable in the relationship because of it. I would survive without him, yes, but I'd be pretty depressed without him, so it wouldn't be a wonderful existence and I want someone I am with to feel the same. Who really wants to be with someone who can take or leave them? "I don't need you at all and would be fine without you" . . . . it sounds cold-hearted.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 People see neediness and confuse it with psychopathy though. If someone is literally never allowing you to ever go out with friends or do anything without them, then that's different, but a lot of people exaggerate it. Sometimes people confuse receiving a few too many texts and someone asking occasionally for you to stay home with them and someone getting insecure with someone who is being a psychopath. So true. We see it here on LS and in real life too. "My boyfriend sent me three text messages today I feel so smothered". "My girlfriend posted a message on my FB about wanting to go out it feels like she's trying to control my life". It's almost like showing that you give a damm about someone else constitutes a "creepy" act of instanity.
elaina Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Let me tell you something: When I am dating someone I am not that into, I am NEVER needy, insecure, emotional etc. I am perfectly logical and level headed. Why? Because I simply don't care. The guy hasn't responded to my text? I barely noticed, let alone got upset enough to have an emotional reaction. Now, when I REALLY like a guy I get insecure. I spend hours thinking about him, analyzing his every word, waiting for his text with butterflies in my stomach. I worry if he likes me. I try not to show it but it slips out anyway. The difference between needy and non-needy woman? Her level of interest in you. Simple as that. Also, I tend to cringe when my male friends talk about girls they consider psycho. Just by examples they give, the women they talk about don't seem psycho at all. They just seem like women that liked them a LOT. Totally agree with this post and boldened some. When I really like a guy, I get "needy" too. I am trying though not to be clingy or desperate. It really helps that my boyfriend wants to talk with me everyday and be with me everyday, and I don't feel like I'm lacking his affection. He does know though that I am an emotional person and sensitive and yeah he has talked to me about not worrying about our relationship, but just enjoy it and be confident. (He's very understanding!!!) He also know that I feel that I need him in my life and he is special to me, but yeah I understand that there is a difference between need and want. Maybe I do want him in my life, not need him, but really sometimes it's hard for me to distinguish the difference.
singlelife Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Women are unattractive who are needy just like men are. Don't be clingy and your world will be okay.
MrNate Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 The things you need in life, are the things to live. Water, food, shelter, etc. Everything else is just a want. Pretty easy, actually. And yeah, say no to neediness.
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