redbee Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I guess I would call this an affair because the guy has been with another girl for coming up to 4 years. We have 'dated' briefly before when we were only 19. He was the boy I always fancied from my class at school. It really upset me when he ended it, but he had to because I was moving away. I wanted to carry on the relationship and he didn't- usually the way. Anyway about a month or so later- in fact it almost overlapped with our split it was the next day- he got together with this new girl and it really upset me. They have been going out ever since. he was only young then and he made lots of mistakes but he never told me about this girl and I only found out later how soon after our split it was. ( because on Facebook couples have this silly option now 'anniversary date') I made some new friends and they knew nothing of him and just told me he 'wasn't very attractive' and to forget him. They were very superficial, self involved people though. I spent about 2 years feeling sorry for myself and getting over him. I stayed in touch with him some of that time. he started texting me telling me that he still had feelings for me and that he never should have split it up and that when I came back from uni he would want to give it another go properly. I texted him back for a while but eventually just moved on from it. Anyway I dated this other guy at uni and fell completely in love with him. We dated for only half a year and it was such a happy time and low and behold my childhood love comes back again and tells me how much he wants me back. I have since moved back home and this guy lives close again and I am not in a relationship anymore. Although the girl he got together with after me is now more in his life than ever. They are very ‘coupley’- she lives with his family (because her family moved away) she gets on with his family and a couple of his friends but apparently they have been having problems. He calls me and texts me all the time, every day and I text back. I still have some feelings for him because he was my childhood first love really and that’s difficult to forget. He obviously has feelings for me and tells me he loves me all the time. He helped me through some really difficult times I was having last summer and I don't get why because some of them were about this other boy- he was just so nice to me and he really seemed to actually care. I don’t know what to do though because I’ve seen this guy a few times now and something has always ended up happening between us. We just get into old habits. And the fact that this girl was the one that stole him away from me kind of masks any guilt that I am feeling about the situation. My family know about this and they say it is a shame that he texts me and calls me so much and he must really feel trapped... Although I have recently realised I just don't feel the same as I used to. This relationship I had at uni has changed everything and I’m still in love with the guy from uni. I'm not really looking for a relationship at all although I would like to feel the same as I did with the uni guy again. I'm 23 now and I think I just feel comfortable with how things are at the moment seeing my childhood love every now and again- but this is quite obviously wrong. He knows it, I know it He says it’s not about her and it’s about me... but if you are cheating on someone why wouldn't it be about them? he said he doesn’t want to hurt me and he wants to stay in touch with me so he tried to stop himself, but every time he sees me it always ends up in wanting me. he says he wants to be with me one day... I'm not despairing or panicking here... but I don’t know what to do. I need to work out what I feel. He has become someone I sort of depend on in my life - he’s like a boyfriend but he’s not ‘MY’ boyfriend. It could grow into something amazing. But on the other hand I could end up hurting him or he could end up hurting me and right now... We could end up hurting other people. I need to know what other people think I should do.
fooled once Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I guess I would call this an affair because the guy has been with another girl for coming up to 4 years. We have 'dated' briefly before when we were only 19. He was the boy I always fancied from my class at school. It really upset me when he ended it, but he had to because I was moving away. I wanted to carry on the relationship and he didn't- usually the way. Anyway about a month or so later- in fact it almost overlapped with our split it was the next day- he got together with this new girl and it really upset me. They have been going out ever since. he was only young then and he made lots of mistakes but he never told me about this girl and I only found out later how soon after our split it was. ( because on Facebook couples have this silly option now 'anniversary date') I made some new friends and they knew nothing of him and just told me he 'wasn't very attractive' and to forget him. They were very superficial, self involved people though. I spent about 2 years feeling sorry for myself and getting over him. I stayed in touch with him some of that time. he started texting me telling me that he still had feelings for me and that he never should have split it up and that when I came back from uni he would want to give it another go properly. I texted him back for a while but eventually just moved on from it. Anyway I dated this other guy at uni and fell completely in love with him. We dated for only half a year and it was such a happy time and low and behold my childhood love comes back again and tells me how much he wants me back. I have since moved back home and this guy lives close again and I am not in a relationship anymore. Although the girl he got together with after me is now more in his life than ever. They are very ‘coupley’- she lives with his family (because her family moved away) she gets on with his family and a couple of his friends but apparently they have been having problems. He calls me and texts me all the time, every day and I text back. I still have some feelings for him because he was my childhood first love really and that’s difficult to forget. He obviously has feelings for me and tells me he loves me all the time. He helped me through some really difficult times I was having last summer and I don't get why because some of them were about this other boy- he was just so nice to me and he really seemed to actually care. I don’t know what to do though because I’ve seen this guy a few times now and something has always ended up happening between us. We just get into old habits. And the fact that this girl was the one that stole him away from me kind of masks any guilt that I am feeling about the situation. My family know about this and they say it is a shame that he texts me and calls me so much and he must really feel trapped... Although I have recently realised I just don't feel the same as I used to. This relationship I had at uni has changed everything and I’m still in love with the guy from uni. I'm not really looking for a relationship at all although I would like to feel the same as I did with the uni guy again. I'm 23 now and I think I just feel comfortable with how things are at the moment seeing my childhood love every now and again- but this is quite obviously wrong. He knows it, I know it He says it’s not about her and it’s about me... but if you are cheating on someone why wouldn't it be about them? he said he doesn’t want to hurt me and he wants to stay in touch with me so he tried to stop himself, but every time he sees me it always ends up in wanting me. he says he wants to be with me one day... I'm not despairing or panicking here... but I don’t know what to do. I need to work out what I feel. He has become someone I sort of depend on in my life - he’s like a boyfriend but he’s not ‘MY’ boyfriend. It could grow into something amazing. But on the other hand I could end up hurting him or he could end up hurting me and right now... We could end up hurting other people. I need to know what other people think I should do. His girlfriend didn't STEAL him away from you - he dumped you - you even said so. You all sound like you are 15 not in your early 20's. All this drama over people you won't have in your life in 10 years from now. Its really sad. He has a girlfriend. You miss him. You and him are having an affair behind her back. I sure hope everyone is using protection. None of you are ready to be parents!
xpaperxcutx Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 You're using him as as filler in your life. If Uni-guy happens to come back into your life the next day, you'll drop your ex like a hat. The thing is you're being non-proactive in your love life, even though you're literally dying to experience " young love" all over again. Stop accepting crumbs from your ex ( who sounds like a sleazebag anyways for being a cheat) and start seeking a healthier relationship where you're actually someone's gf and not the OW. You may not think there are no consequences because you don't feel " guilty" but karma can always come back to bite you. If you truly think you're a good person, start doing things that actually make you a great person.
lynne76 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 What if you gave yourself permission to take a break from BOTH these guys, and all the drama, and spent your summer doing something really cool and interesting that neither of them would have the guts to do? Why don't you travel -- go abroad somewhere, get a job, backpack...have some really great experiences you may not be able to have when you're older and tied down with work, home ownership, kids, etc? You'll meet so many amazing people and they just *might* appeal to you more than your uni-ex and your current guy. I'm 34 and if I could do it over again I would ABSOLUTELY have traveled more and been more adventurous. You don't need a boyfriend at your age, you need to get to know yourself and learn that you can stand on your own two feet, earn your own living, etc. It's an invaluable tool to have -- self-reliance -- and I encourage you to ditch the drama, ditch the heartache, and enjoy your life without them, at least for awhile. You might find it sorts itself out all very naturally while you're away. Whatever the case, good luck to you and stay strong -- boys, especially boys in their 20s, can take a long long time to grow up.
Author redbee Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 His girlfriend didn't STEAL him away from you - he dumped you - you even said so. You all sound like you are 15 not in your early 20's. All this drama over people you won't have in your life in 10 years from now. Its really sad. He has a girlfriend. You miss him. You and him are having an affair behind her back. I sure hope everyone is using protection. None of you are ready to be parents! Right I came here to ask advice because I want to do something about this situation. I know it is wrong!!! So I don't really get why you put me down so much, when this is one quite silly- I agree... aspect of my life that I need to fix. Also will he be gone in 10 years?? because he has been in my life for about 10 already...
Author redbee Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 What if you gave yourself permission to take a break from BOTH these guys, and all the drama, and spent your summer doing something really cool and interesting that neither of them would have the guts to do? Why don't you travel -- go abroad somewhere, get a job, backpack...have some really great experiences you may not be able to have when you're older and tied down with work, home ownership, kids, etc? You'll meet so many amazing people and they just *might* appeal to you more than your uni-ex and your current guy. I'm 34 and if I could do it over again I would ABSOLUTELY have traveled more and been more adventurous. You don't need a boyfriend at your age, you need to get to know yourself and learn that you can stand on your own two feet, earn your own living, etc. It's an invaluable tool to have -- self-reliance -- and I encourage you to ditch the drama, ditch the heartache, and enjoy your life without them, at least for awhile. You might find it sorts itself out all very naturally while you're away. Whatever the case, good luck to you and stay strong -- boys, especially boys in their 20s, can take a long long time to grow up. This is good advice. I have done something like this already. I have travelled but it is just funds I have to keep working to do this sort of thing and I’m being very sensible with other aspects of my life. I do definitely agree that I don’t need to have a boyfriend and maybe I am thinking too much about males right now. I am obsessing. But it’s hard to take a break when you are stuck in one place, you know. Like this guy with the girlfriend he’s been a good friend it’s not just sex. Or so I believe... I have cut the boy from uni out already. I don’t speak to him anymore...even though there’s feelings still there. He doesn’t live near me, which makes this easier. I value your advice, there is wisdom in your words!
Author redbee Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 You may not think there are no consequences because you don't feel " guilty" but karma can always come back to bite you. If you truly think you're a good person, start doing things that actually make you a great person. This is true..
fooled once Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Right I came here to ask advice because I want to do something about this situation. I know it is wrong!!! So I don't really get why you put me down so much, when this is one quite silly- I agree... aspect of my life that I need to fix. Also will he be gone in 10 years?? because he has been in my life for about 10 already... Putting you down? by saying you all are acting like teenagers? 10 years? So you had the hots for him when you were 11/12? Come on. Just because you know someone for 10 years doesn't mean you should be dating them or being his mistress for those times when his actual girlfriend is busy. He is using you and you are allowing it. Definitely agree you should take a break from guys - learn to be happy alone and not define yourself by the guy you are with.
lynne76 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 You might find reading through various pages at baggagereclaim.co.uk helpful. Read it for the advice the owner of the website gives, not so much for the comments below (although they can be helpful). She teaches her readers what the hallmarks are of a GOOD relationship, and what the hallmarks are of men who are crazy-makers in relationships. I wish that I had seen her website when I was your age. Her website might show you that this guy you pine after isn't really your friend and isn't really as great as you think he is...it might also make you feel pretty bad for his girlfriend. Truthfully, his behaviour sounds very much like that of any young man in his 20s, but neverthless you need to find a boyfriend who wants to be with you and you only, and whose actions SHOW you that. Until then, accept nothing less, okay? And don't be his girlfriend on the side...that's no fun for you in the end and will just make you feel crummy. You are much better than crummy and I bet there's a great guy out there who would LOVE to have you as a girlfriend. I was your age once and I know what it's like to be confused about men, about love, about relationships, and I didn't have much guidance. It's great you're seeking out help. The number one piece of advice I have for you is that relationships do not have to be complicated. I have heaps of friends in drama-free, loving, supportive and FUN relationships. This board is full of people who don't have it, but believe me it exists (and we all want it and are hopefully, slowly, getting there). If you have to work too hard for attention, for love, for being treated with common decency, then the relationship is too hard. Find one that feels right and above all -- easy. They exist. In the meantime, enjoy your life. You're young and you have all the time in the world for guys. This guy has been your friend, but maybe take a time out and fill that void with other friends for a while, okay? No need to get too wrapped up in it just yet. Be your own bestfriend, your own best love. You can do it.
whichwayisup Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 It could grow into something amazing. But it can't because he has a girlfriend and is involved with her and her whole family too. This is serious, not just a casual thing. He may downplay it, exaggerate things, but fact is, he IS with her. He isn't and neither are you, in any position to let it grow into something amazing. By acting upon the feelings is only going to mess you up and hurt you. He likes having someone on the side, selfishly..To feed his ego, to make him feel good during those times him and his gf may not on the same page. So, that makes you the OW. Is that what you want? To be on the sidelines, stealing moments of his time, but when the chips are down, he'll choose her over you...Holidays, birthdays, celebrations etc.. He will have her and their family (inlaws, or pretty close seeing as they live with them) and you won't have him at all but you will wish you did. He isn't your boyfriend. Stop thinking he is. And he should stop making it seem like the idea that you two are 'something'.. Hope that makes sense.
sabienne Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 You aren't going to like this post. But I believe in tough love and honesty. So here goes. You need to get over yourself and think about two things: his girlfriend, then him. First his girlfriend. How would you feel if your boyfriend of two years was carrying on with someone behind your back? Is she a bad person and does she deserve to have her boyfriend carrying on with somebody else? What kind of pain will she feel when she finds out he's cheating on her? Some things I found interesting about what you said: "they act 'coupley'" - Well DUH. THEY ARE A COUPLE. "she's the one who stole him from me" - No. You broke up. He got together with her. Yes, it might have seemed quick, but she didn't 'steal'. He chose to leave. Whether or not she knew of your existence doesn't matter. HE CHOSE TO LEAVE. "He texted me saying how much he wanted me back". What a load of ****. If he wanted to be with you, he'd leave her and be with you. He doesn't want you back, he wants the convinience of you back and he wants an ego boost. I don't care if you have known him since you were in diapers. He might have been the best boyfriend in the world in seventh grade. AS AN ADULT, HE IS SELFISH AND A CHEATER. Think about this boy carefully. I know you care about him lots, but does he really care about you if he's willing to pigeon hole you as "the other woman"? I don't think so. Any man who cares for you makes YOU #1. She's still #1, you're still #2. If that isn't enough to make you want to walk away, well...you're digging your own grave. Look - if you want him as your man (and honestly, why would you? He cheated on you, and now he's cheating on another girl...do you think that's going to change??) you need to not put yourself as #2. Otherwise, this pain will stretch out for everyone - except him. He gets to have his cake and eat it too, and in the end only two people will suffer - his girlfriend, and YOU.
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