P&R Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I saw this thread in LDR forum that was friends vs. SO and it makes me wonder.... What is a healthy balence? In that thread about me not having any friends people changed the subject to my girlfriend not meeting my emotional needs. This made me think... is she? I've never had to a situation where I was balencing an SO with friends... well because I don't have any friends so I can't empathize. Unlike me my girlfriend has a very active social life. She has tons of friends and she tries to maintain a relationship with all of them. My girlfriend just got laid off of work so she has tons of freetime, as do I because I'm jobless right now and taking a quarter off of school. However I only see her for 1-2 days a week. I get that time but it is always on her terms, and it seems I always have to fight, claw, and scratch for it. When we first started the relationship I didn't get to even hang out with her outside of school for three weeks until I caused a fuss because she was trying to spend time with all of her friends. This week she got a temp job... it was only supposed to last until Tuesday so she made plans with me on Wednesday. I got to her house and she couldn't hang out because they called her into work. I tried rescheduling for Friday, Saturday, or Sunday but she said she already had plans this whole weekend with friends. I didn't get to see her this whole week, essentially but she found time for other people. Normally I'm fine with two days a week but when we get only one day or when we don't even see each other is when it bothers me, also the fact that there is minimal communication between times we see each other. What should I expect from her? I know maintaining friendships are very important, but at what point does it actually become neglectful to our relationship? She has even told me that she's still trying to learn how to balence things, and I don't think she is doing a very good job right now, after I think about that thread.
Author P&R Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 I can't read your posts anymore. They are making me tear up. My life will get better someday...
utterer of lies Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 My life will get better someday... The moment you man up and break up with her. Until then, you can suffer and whine and enjoy being treated like the doormat you are.
Author P&R Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 The moment you man up and break up with her. Until then, you can suffer and whine and enjoy being treated like the doormat you are. Your screen name makes me think otherwise Anyways... I don't think that is the answer, the poor girl really is having a hard time balancing her life. She has told me as much, although it doesn't feel good to be left on the back burner.
DontWorryBHappy Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I have to agree with the others. It seems that you're hung up on this girl... You like her a lot, you want this to work badly, but there is some incompatibility. I believe in having friendships, but a person's partner should be the number one relationship alongside blood-related family. If you're only getting 1-2 days a week then you're basically casually dating her rather than being in a true relationship. She might say she'll "try to balance it" but did she even say what that MEANS? I guarantee you that things will not change unless she actively begins devoting a certain amount of time per week to YOU. And this does not mean time that you have to bite, claw and scratch for. That means time that she sets aside for you and only you. If she cant do that simple thing, tell her you arent a big enough priority on her list and walk away. DO not keep waiting on her to change something that she hasnt actively being trying to change (and that means discussing with you SPECIFIC THINGS that she will do to change this). If she's basically just like "I'll try to balance it" and that's it, then thats a red flag.
Author P&R Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 I have to agree with the others. It seems that you're hung up on this girl... You like her a lot, you want this to work badly, but there is some incompatibility. I believe in having friendships, but a person's partner should be the number one relationship alongside blood-related family. If you're only getting 1-2 days a week then you're basically casually dating her rather than being in a true relationship. She might say she'll "try to balance it" but did she even say what that MEANS? I guarantee you that things will not change unless she actively begins devoting a certain amount of time per week to YOU. And this does not mean time that you have to bite, claw and scratch for. That means time that she sets aside for you and only you. If she cant do that simple thing, tell her you arent a big enough priority on her list and walk away. DO not keep waiting on her to change something that she hasnt actively being trying to change (and that means discussing with you SPECIFIC THINGS that she will do to change this). If she's basically just like "I'll try to balance it" and that's it, then thats a red flag. Two days is enough... it's just when I only get one day a week that makes me upset. Wouldn't you say that two days is normal for relationships? I haven't even brought this issue up to her yet, and she said she is having a hard time trying to balance everything out of nowhere.
utterer of lies Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Two days is enough... it's just when I only get one day a week that makes me upset. Wouldn't you say that two days is normal for relationships? What's normal is not the point. You are obviously needy and clingy and need more of her than she is willing to give you. You should find a less independent girl
xpaperxcutx Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I see my girlfriend every weekend or every other weekend depending on the circumstances. I'm currently taking time off from school but she's juggling fulltime work and school. When I'm with her, her attention is constantly divided with writing essays and studying; sometimes it seems like I'm dating myself. However, I don't make a point to complain about it because she has priorities that have to come first before our relationship. Do you understand the point I'm making here? The only reason you think she's not giving you her time and effort is simply because she actually has priorities and you have none. You're not working and neither are you in school, so for more than half the time, you're idling yourself away sitting at home and doing nothing productive. Your gf is working ( earning money) and whatever little time she has left, she's giving it to both you and her friends. That's balance. Your girlfriend is not the one with problems; you are. Find something to occupy your time during the week without thinking there's something wrong with the relationship. You're just too idle and it's never a good thing.
Author P&R Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 (edited) I see my girlfriend every weekend or every other weekend depending on the circumstances. I'm currently taking time off from school but she's juggling fulltime work and school. When I'm with her, her attention is constantly divided with writing essays and studying; sometimes it seems like I'm dating myself. However, I don't make a point to complain about it because she has priorities that have to come first before our relationship. Do you understand the point I'm making here? The only reason you think she's not giving you her time and effort is simply because she actually has priorities and you have none. You're not working and neither are you in school, so for more than half the time, you're idling yourself away sitting at home and doing nothing productive. Your gf is working ( earning money) and whatever little time she has left, she's giving it to both you and her friends. That's balance. Your girlfriend is not the one with problems; you are. Find something to occupy your time during the week without thinking there's something wrong with the relationship. You're just too idle and it's never a good thing. The problem is she isn't doing work, or school either! She had a temp job for one week. I do have priorities, I'm searching for a fulltime job for at least 6 hours a day. As far as friends? I have none. I could understand if she was in your girlfriends circumstance but she is not. My girlfriend is good support, however sometimes I don't feel like a priority in her life, just like another friend. Edited April 18, 2011 by P&R
neowulf Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 A healthy relationship is one where you are getting your needs met. So it begs the question.. are you getting your needs met? Generally, when people are into each other they *want* to spend all their time with one another (at least early one). That's kind of the primary point of dating. Is to get to know one another deeply. It sounds to me like she's just stringing you along and that she's not really that deeply into you, or your relationship. If you feel like you'd like more of her time, then ask for it. If she doesn't feel like she can manage that, then you can either a) accept it.. or b) Let her go.
bellabella Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Does she invite you join in activities with her friends? I have a big group of friends and like to make time to see them, but it is a very rare occurence he isn't invited to join in anything I do with my friends (and vice versa) and over time we have become close to each other's friends.
denise_xo Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Does she invite you join in activities with her friends? I have a big group of friends and like to make time to see them, but it is a very rare occurence he isn't invited to join in anything I do with my friends (and vice versa) and over time we have become close to each other's friends. This is my preference, too.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 My bf has a large circle of friends and he sees them all the time but I am ALWAYS invited. I invite him to hang with my friends all the time too.... if she is not inviting you, something is really off there. I am also invited to all his work and family events. That way he isn't neglecting anyone...
counterman Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 The time I had to spend with my girlfriend were scraps of time that were left over after she would spend it with her friends, family, studies and work. When you become a priority in someone's life, you make time for them. No one is that busy. In my situation, it was always me having to rearrange everything to fit into her schedule, and even then, if it came between choosing me and her friends, she would choose her friends. Funny thing is when I became less available and wanted to something with my friends instead of with her, she would be pissed. I'm not gonna put my life on hold just so that you can get what you want. In your situation, it really depends on what you feel you need. I think as your relationship goes on, you will spend more time with each other. If you feel you need more and she cannot give you that, then you need to move on. However, I think you should look at making friends, so that when she's with her friends, you can hang out with yours.
Author P&R Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) Does she invite you join in activities with her friends? I have a big group of friends and like to make time to see them, but it is a very rare occurence he isn't invited to join in anything I do with my friends (and vice versa) and over time we have become close to each other's friends. No... very rarely am I invited to do things with her friends. I can count the amount of times I've spent with her and her friends on one hand. It usually is just me, her, and her bestfriend, although one time I spent time with an old buddy she hadn't seen for awhile. About 4 times in total have I spent with her friends. When I did hang out with them I had a blast. Not all of them know that she's in a relationship either, of course a lot of people that I know don't know that I'm in a relationship. As far as what the last poster said... Maybe that is the case. We've been dating for around 5 months, however we only became exclusive Feb 20th. I only met her best friend a month ago (she was dating other guys before feb 20th so it's understandable). I'm just going to let this play out... When i get more going on it might become a non-issue. Although it is a little unsettling that the relationship is in the honey moon stage, and that we both don't have much going on. Edited April 19, 2011 by P&R
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