Old fashioned views too out-of-date? (Sorry if it offends)

[ConfusedCarolina]

Ok, I'm not married. But I still believe in some of the "old fashioned" views on relationships especially marriage. Like it's a woman's role to provide her man with sex (& if she's married & still isn't comfortable with having sex then she should consult a shrink) because sex between a committed couple is more than functional & can bond two people together & keep them bonded together, provide him with support in his ideas, be willing & able to cook something in a stove for him (but not be the only one to always do all the cooking), & turn to her man when she's hurt or scared, & be willing & able to do little things for him (like backrubs, buy him him presents, laugh at his jokes, etc.), willing & able to do cleaning (though again not the only one all the time), & help make their home look nice (cuz not all men care about color cordinating & frat houses are sometimes disasters).

 

I also believe it's the man's role to provide security (not in a a financial way, but by making the home safe), reassure his woman of his feelings for her, be protective of her, voice his opinions, provide her with sex & comfort, be willing & able to fix things around the home (or be smart enough to know when to call a repair service), be willing & able to argue with his woman (not just sitting there saying "yes dear"), be willing & able to cook & clean as well (I don't want to live in an unclean home, do you?), open doors for her sometimes, & does little things for her too.

 

I don't believe in having only one person responsible for working, cleaning, or cooking cuz it should be both taking the burden of day-to-day life off each other.

 

Unfortunately what I've come across in most of the men in my generation & younger (not just from my past relationships but from family & friends), are men who aren't comfortable with having an opinion in the relationships or the home. They just feel the need to only show responsibility at work then go home to do absolutely nothing. No cleaning, no cooking, not participating in their home life at all. Or if they do participate, it's to do all the cooking & cleaning as well. Either way they don't voice anything! As far as my family goes, at every family function (holidays, BBQ's, furnerals, weddings) all the men just sit beside their wives & don't say much of anything while all the women talk for hours.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if this is common place in a marriage & was I just born in the wrong time? Even my current guy was very surprised that I want to hear his opinion so much when he wasn't allowed to disagree with his ex-wife if he wanted sex (told to me by him & friends of both of ours). And some of my friends think I'm crazy for being ok with my guy having a guy's night instead of just giving him a "honey-do" list while I have a girl's night.

 

What's your opinion?

[Green Light]

Ok, I'm not married. But I still believe in some of the "old fashioned" views on relationships especially marriage. Like it's a woman's role to provide her man with sex (& if she's married & still isn't comfortable with having sex then she should consult a shrink) because sex between a committed couple is more than functional & can bond two people together & keep them bonded together, provide him with support in his ideas, be willing & able to cook something in a stove for him (but not be the only one to always do all the cooking), & turn to her man when she's hurt or scared, & be willing & able to do little things for him (like backrubs, buy him him presents, laugh at his jokes, etc.), willing & able to do cleaning (though again not the only one all the time), & help make their home look nice (cuz not all men care about color cordinating & frat houses are sometimes disasters).

 

I also believe it's the man's role to provide security (not in a a financial way, but by making the home safe), reassure his woman of his feelings for her, be protective of her, voice his opinions, provide her with sex & comfort, be willing & able to fix things around the home (or be smart enough to know when to call a repair service), be willing & able to argue with his woman (not just sitting there saying "yes dear"), be willing & able to cook & clean as well (I don't want to live in an unclean home, do you?), open doors for her sometimes, & does little things for her too.

 

I don't believe in having only one person responsible for working, cleaning, or cooking cuz it should be both taking the burden of day-to-day life off each other.

 

Unfortunately what I've come across in most of the men in my generation & younger (not just from my past relationships but from family & friends), are men who aren't comfortable with having an opinion in the relationships or the home. They just feel the need to only show responsibility at work then go home to do absolutely nothing. No cleaning, no cooking, not participating in their home life at all. Or if they do participate, it's to do all the cooking & cleaning as well. Either way they don't voice anything! As far as my family goes, at every family function (holidays, BBQ's, furnerals, weddings) all the men just sit beside their wives & don't say much of anything while all the women talk for hours.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if this is common place in a marriage & was I just born in the wrong time? Even my current guy was very surprised that I want to hear his opinion so much when he wasn't allowed to disagree with his ex-wife if he wanted sex (told to me by him & friends of both of ours). And some of my friends think I'm crazy for being ok with my guy having a guy's night instead of just giving him a "honey-do" list while I have a girl's night.

 

What's your opinion?

 

Hey, I like your attitude! Roles are all mixed up now or in some cases there are no roles at all. I do agree that men need to start speaking up for themselves. I think that many would rather keep quiet rather than hear hours or even days of nagging. I understand that we have had many years of female empowerment but it seems to me that men have forgotten how to be men.

Another thing is that I think that men are terribly afraid of being alone even though we won't admit that and so we do whatever we feel we must do to keep our other half with us. Even if it means letting them get their way too much of the time.

[Woman In Blue]

Unfortunately what I've come across in most of the men in my generation & younger (not just from my past relationships but from family & friends), are men who aren't comfortable with having an opinion in the relationships or the home. They just feel the need to only show responsibility at work then go home to do absolutely nothing. No cleaning, no cooking, not participating in their home life at all.

And don't forget - you're ALSO probably working a fulltime job as WELL as doing everything else. And that, my dear, is why I prefer to be alone than be a slave to a man. Screw that.

 

Or if they do participate, it's to do all the cooking & cleaning as well.

I have YET to meet ONE man who does it all while his wife gets to sit around all night in her underwear - every night - eating corn chips and watching Baywatch reruns or some sports event. Not ONE.

 

Either way they don't voice anything! As far as my family goes, at every family function (holidays, BBQ's, furnerals, weddings) all the men just sit beside their wives & don't say much of anything while all the women talk for hours.

I don't see that at all at get-togethers. The guys congregate in one area, and the ladies in another, both groups talking about the things that interest them.

 

And some of my friends think I'm crazy for being ok with my guy having a guy's night instead of just giving him a "honey-do" list while I have a girl's night.

I always encouraged my ex to get out and do as much as he could - so I could get him out of my hair and have some alone time.

[Woggle]

I just believe in a truly equal relationship. It seems that some women today just want their man's balls in a vice grip and they call it equal or somehow still see themselves as the victim.

[Eddie Edirol]

Men dont want to voice their opinion because there are many women in the world who like to argue with emotion and not logic. Women who argue like this want to win the argument all the time, and most guys dont know how to win an argument this way. So instead of yelling for hours, they dont bother.

 

This is nothing new, its always been this way.

[denise_xo]

Ok, I'm not married. But I still believe in some of the "old fashioned" views on relationships especially marriage. Like it's a woman's role to provide her man with sex (& if she's married & still isn't comfortable with having sex then she should consult a shrink) because sex between a committed couple is more than functional & can bond two people together & keep them bonded together, provide him with support in his ideas, be willing & able to cook something in a stove for him (but not be the only one to always do all the cooking), & turn to her man when she's hurt or scared, & be willing & able to do little things for him (like backrubs, buy him him presents, laugh at his jokes, etc.), willing & able to do cleaning (though again not the only one all the time), & help make their home look nice (cuz not all men care about color cordinating & frat houses are sometimes disasters).

 

I expect both parties to contribute to each other with sex, support in ideas, cooking, cleaning, and doing little things for each other. I just don't see any gender differences there. In my home, I provide 98% of the income, so my partner does most of the day to day tidying although I also do a fair share of cleaning. Neither of us have any interest in colour coordination or home decoration.

 

way, but by making the home safe), reassure his woman of his feelings for her, be protective of her, voice his opinions, provide her with sex & comfort, be willing & able to fix things around the home (or be smart enough to know when to call a repair service), be willing & able to argue with his woman (not just sitting there saying "yes dear"), be willing & able to cook & clean as well (I don't want to live in an unclean home, do you?), open doors for her sometimes, & does little things for her too.

 

Again, I think these responsibilities lie with both partners. My partner isn't any more pratically minded than I am. We try to fix and sort things out around the house together. I do most of the yard work because he doesn't understand how the gardening tools work and it's quicker for me to just do it than to explain it.

 

Unfortunately what I've come across in most of the men in my generation & younger (not just from my past relationships but from family & friends), are men who aren't comfortable with having an opinion in the relationships or the home. They just feel the need to only show responsibility at work then go home to do absolutely nothing. No cleaning, no cooking, not participating in their home life at all. Or if they do participate, it's to do all the cooking & cleaning as well. Either way they don't voice anything! As far as my family goes, at every family function (holidays, BBQ's, furnerals, weddings) all the men just sit beside their wives & don't say much of anything while all the women talk for hours.

 

I my social circles, men say what they want and have opinions both at home and outside the home, as far as I can tell. I've never been to a social event where men sit next to their women and just shut up. Perhaps this is the norm where you are, but definitely doesn't correspond to my experience.

 

And some of my friends think I'm crazy for being ok with my guy having a guy's night instead of just giving him a "honey-do" list while I have a girl's night.

 

I actively encourage my partner to have a life outside of me and our relationship. In fact, I wish he'd go out more than he does, and I tell him this regularly. I seldom specifically ask him to do stuff, beyond little things like bringing me some milk if he's going to the shop anyway.

 

In short, your reality doesn't really correspond with mine, I guess.

[Eve]

.. Compromise builds trust and so should be at the centre of a marriage methinks.

 

If you have not got that, the marraige will fail at some point.

 

So, I just think there needs to be flexibility and genuine concern for the other person whether this is to do with finances, cooking or within social settings.

 

The rot sets in when people lose that and carve up rigid roles for one another. That's the bottom line.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Baroness67]

My opinion is that a couple who agrees to be together at any point gets to define their own terms. I mean, of course, unless it means abusive servitude or something that is clearly not acceptable to the party without the money or power. That goes without saying.

 

Otherwise, if you want to do dishes and your husband wants you to make him a chicken pot pie while he watches the game, and you get pleasure out of this arrangement, while he mows the lawn and you iron his shorts - that's your business.

 

It's what you agree to that matters. I know that I have friends who would not agree to the terms of the marriage I have, but 1) I wouldn't want to be married to their husbands; and 2) some of them aren't married to anyone anymore.

[xxoo]

.So, I just think there needs to be flexibility and genuine concern for the other person whether this is to do with finances, cooking or within social settings.

 

The rot sets in when people lose that and carve up rigid roles for one another. That's the bottom line.

 

I agree. If you set up inflexible roles, what happens when life intervenes and the "provider" can no longer work? Much better when each person has an attitude of being part of the team, and taking on whatever role needs to be filled at the time.

 

I know that I have friends who would not agree to the terms of the marriage I have, but 1) I wouldn't want to be married to their husbands; and 2) some of them aren't married to anyone anymore.

 

Hoo-boy, I can relate to the bolded

[Canuck1979]

There's nothing wrong with roles in the relationship. However, you have to be in agreement. I

 

n our household, the traditional gender roles seem to stay put. It just kinda happened that way. I'm better at cleaning and my husband is handier.

 

We help each other when need-be. Also, if either of us wasn't able to do our "chore" then we would do it for each other.

 

Of course we bicker about stuff, but that's normal.

 

I do about 95% of the cooking and household chores. My husband does all of the maintenance, the outside stuff and takes care of the cars. It kinda balances out...

[Eve]

I agree. If you set up inflexible roles, what happens when life intervenes and the "provider" can no longer work? Much better when each person has an attitude of being part of the team, and taking on whatever role needs to be filled at the time.

 

Totally! What could be more hurtful than a partner ignoring your needs because it is your turn? Or expecting you to do it all! I would rather be on my own and go to the cinema...

 

Forget that!

 

Hubby and I are flexible and often cook together, helping each other out. He has been made redundant a few times and I worked and kept the money coming in. Same as early in our marriage when I was at University. He supported us.

 

When I began working part-time whilst the kids were little I did more around the house because I had more time. If I was tired though, or even when I could not be arsed.. he understood ME.

 

I LOVE doing things for him. He says he is the most looked after man in the world and does the same for me..

 

When I have not been happy with his or the kids share, I have just let the house go to **** and gone out. Never will I be taken for granted because of being 'married'. This has not happened often but I think it is really important for a woman not to let her caring nature be usurped into a rigid, boring role, when she is supposed to be in a team. Same for a man.

 

P'ssshhhh.. no chance..

 

Take care,

Eve x

[musemaj11]

The concept of a team is a myth.

 

In reality, flexibility is only reserved for women, not for men.