annabanana85 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I have been dating this guy for about 3 weeks now. Three days ago I went to his place for dinner and we had a great time and amazing sex. After sex, while we were cuddling I kind of made the mistake of telling him, I really like him, oops! Then he asked me if I have a bf and implied that he would be interested in being in a relationship. He said let’s just spend time as often as possible and see how things go. I guess this sounds like a good sign. I then asked him why he likes me. He told me that he thinks I am a very nice person, polite and smart and he has a lot of fun with me. Yet he did not say anything about my looks or attraction So I asked him if he just wanted to be friends and he was like no more than that and he told me he finds me attractive. I am very surprised since most guys are generally interested in me because of looks. He also told me that if he just found a girl cute, he would be interested in getting into her pants but not much more. And that he is more interested in personality and attraction can grow. Since our date (3 days ago) he has not contacted me. Usually he would contact me right away via e-mail or txt. Why did he suddenly cut contact, do you think he changed his mind? Did I come across as too clingy? Should I contact him?
Nexus One Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 After sex, while we were cuddling I kind of made the mistake of telling him, I really like him, oops! Then he asked me if I have a bf and implied that he would be interested in being in a relationship. Doesn't it bother you that he asked if you had a boyfriend AFTER you both had sex? Think about that for a second, think about what that implies.
Author annabanana85 Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 Yeah now that I think about it, it bothers me. So you think he was just interested in casual sex?
hoping2heal Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Yeah now that I think about it, it bothers me. So you think he was just interested in casual sex? Well, usually the easiest way to find out is to have sex right away and see if that person sticks around, which he did not. However, to be fair you did come across as extremely insecure after he mentioned the boyfriend thing. That could have just turned him off and he made a snap judgement not to date you.
Author annabanana85 Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 Hmm fair enough. But I would have thought that if he was interested in having sex with me and pursuing me he probably would not have been surprised after telling him that I really like him :/
hoping2heal Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Hmm fair enough. But I would have thought that if he was interested in having sex with me and pursuing me he probably would not have been surprised after telling him that I really like him :/ There is nothing wrong with you telling him you like him. If you like a guy you should tell him, well unless it is unreasonable like your 2nd date and you whip out your goal board with pics of you and him and kids or something.. The insecure thing was when you asked why he likes you followed by prodding about whether or not he is attracted to you. That is where you looked terribly insecure. Those questions are serious bonerbegone.
Author annabanana85 Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 I appreciate your comments but I think if he was seriously into me, he would not have been turned off by my question since he asked me the same thing himself.
hoping2heal Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I appreciate your comments but I think if he was seriously into me, he would not have been turned off by my question since he asked me the same thing himself. He asked you the same thing..wow okay. Well, sounds like a typical nail and bail then.
Nexus One Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Perhaps the question here shouldn't even be if he's doing a "f*ck and run" or not, but perhaps the guy's ethics should be in question here. Because for all he knew you could have had a boyfriend. So he dated you, made out with you and had sex with you without him knowing whether or not you actually had a boyfriend and for all he knew you did. So the question is, should you want a guy that has that kind of ethical framework. Because if you extend his kind of attitude/reasoning into a possible future relationship, what kind of relationship do you think that will turn out to be?
Author annabanana85 Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 I agree, I feel completely used and dejected. This is the third guy who has done this to me in a row . I am an attractive girl, well-educated, polite and nice. I treat these guys very well; I do not know why these *******s always find me and can do a ****-and-run. I am beginning to think that maybe there is fundamentally wrong with me. Maybe I smell or something or I have a weird unattractiveness .
Star Gazer Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I agree, I feel completely used and dejected. This is the third guy who has done this to me in a row . I am an attractive girl, well-educated, polite and nice. I treat these guys very well; I do not know why these *******s always find me and can do a ****-and-run. I am beginning to think that maybe there is fundamentally wrong with me. Maybe I smell or something or I have a weird unattractiveness . The common denominator is you, unfortunately. They **** and run because they can, you make it too easy for them. Next time, establish an exclusive relationship with the guy in question before having sex with him.
Author annabanana85 Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 Well, I think that if somebody is a player and mainly wants to get into your pants and not a relationship, even if you don't sleep with them too soon, they would not be interested in pursuing you. At least I cut my losses faster this way :/
oaks Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 He hasn't contacted you... and it sounds like you haven't contacted him. Maybe you could? Communication is a two way thing.
betterdeal Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 And get to have sex too! From what you've said, I get the impression you open up a lot once you've had sex. Maybe that gear shift makes the difference. When I have had more than just sex with someone and become emotionally involved with them, it's been that we had sex and that wasn't a watershed or step-change. A thanks or "that was lush", a kiss, a cuddle, then off home to get ready for work / go rowing / catch up with some friends feels more natural to me. The emotional bond came from more shared experiences, more fun times, more growth periods, respect for each other's boundaries, and simple unconditional love. If you enjoy spending time with the person, and you enjoy having sex with them, that's a great basis for a relationship. But looking back, things that made me think, "this is a bit heavy, best step back a bit" are indirect questions such as "I'm not looking for a relationship", which I have been told by the woman who asked it was her trying to gauge my reaction, and questions such as "what do you think of me?" or "do you think I'm bonkers?" which just turn me off. The artist, John Singer Sargent once said, "Every time I paint a portrait I lose a friend." and I feel that when people ask me to define them, that's what happens. If they compliment you and say nice things, that's great, but asking them to compliment you means you won't ever get a compliment, and even if they are sincere about it, you can never be sure they are because you prompted it. Does any of this make sense? I'm not sure it does. I guess what I'm saying is that you're a beautiful, intelligent, respectful, fun and attractive young woman, and so long as you know that, you don't need someone else to tell you that, and that sex is just one part of a relationship, and a relationship is just one part of your life, and you are just one part of the collective consciousness that makes the Universe's exist. Man.
Author annabanana85 Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 Thanks better deal Maybe you guys are right, I probably just turned him off by asking him stupid questions. But anyways I still think that if he was really really into me, he would take it as a compliment when I told him I really like him. In all honesty, I do not think it would have worked out anyways. He was probably emotionally unavailable . Oh well!
Author annabanana85 Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 So I sent him a friendly txt this morning asking him what's up, he has not responded yet. So looks like he changed his mind but did not even have the decency to let me know. What an *******! I guess the nice guy act was just a ploy to get me into bed
Fondue Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 So I sent him a friendly txt this morning asking him what's up, he has not responded yet. So looks like he changed his mind but did not even have the decency to let me know. What an *******! I guess the nice guy act was just a ploy to get me into bed Probably. And it worked, right? That's why I advocate women to hold of sex for a while. Many men, when they first meet a woman, they want her out of lust. If you have sex too soon, the lust goes away because he literally "won the game" by getting you into bed. If both parties (or him/her alone, I suppose) did not build enough of a connection prior to the sex, then there isn't anything afterward. That's how it is with MANY men, myself included. Friends too. We initially want the lady for the sexual aspect. If we have it too soon, we lose interest. If she holds off, we get a chance to get to know each other more and possibly build an emotional connection. "Woah, she's kinda cool, too! I wouldn't mind her by my side." If you wanna have sex quickly, then go for it. No one is stopping you. Sex is enjoyable. Additionally, you get to see sexual compatibility. But don't be surprised if he doesn't stick around after. Just cause you have an emotional connection with him does not mean he already has one with you .
nelib Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 So I sent him a friendly txt this morning asking him what's up, he has not responded yet. So looks like he changed his mind but did not even have the decency to let me know. What an *******! I guess the nice guy act was just a ploy to get me into bed Ana, Don't feel down on yourself. And do NOT contact him again. Let him come to you...further contacting him even with a "friendly text" makes you look desperate...and will make him want you less. I have recently been in a similar situation...just read my recent post...I did almost the same thing...he came on so strong and was telling all kinds of crazy sh*t....like I am falling for you...I am crazy about you....saying things like when we get married....our kids are going to....." yeah and guess what it was total bullsh*t....because the next day...he was telling me how it will never work between us and then "poof" gone. I should have known better and stopped myself from giving it up so easily....which by the way I NEVER EVER do. I am ashamed with myself for doing what I did and I have much to regret. But lesson learned. You need to get to know someone better before having sex with them. Give yourself high value and high importance. Again, do NOT contact him.
Carm Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Probably. And it worked, right? That's why I advocate women to hold of sex for a while. Many men, when they first meet a woman, they want her out of lust. If you have sex too soon, the lust goes away because he literally "won the game" by getting you into bed. If both parties (or him/her alone, I suppose) did not build enough of a connection prior to the sex, then there isn't anything afterward. That's how it is with MANY men, myself included. Friends too. We initially want the lady for the sexual aspect. If we have it too soon, we lose interest. If she holds off, we get a chance to get to know each other more and possibly build an emotional connection. "Woah, she's kinda cool, too! I wouldn't mind her by my side." If you wanna have sex quickly, then go for it. No one is stopping you. Sex is enjoyable. Additionally, you get to see sexual compatibility. But don't be surprised if he doesn't stick around after. Just cause you have an emotional connection with him does not mean he already has one with you . Ana, don't be too hard on yourself but learn something from this (especially because it's happened to you 3x in a row). I totally agree with Fondue here, wait as long as you can so that the guy builds a connection with you, it really changes things. I made my bf wait for 3 months, toward the end we were both sexually frustrated BUT by the time we did do it, we both had a strong emotional connection for each other.
Author annabanana85 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Actually he just txted me last night at midnight telling me that he had so much work this weekend and he was at a conference. He also told me that he misses me and wants to see me on Monday night. I think this is a red flag, since he has not wanted to hang out for like two weekends in a row. Could be that he is just interested in FWB? What do you guys think? Should I respond to his txt and meet up with him? How can I tell if he is genuinely interested in a relationship?
dispatch3d Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 So I asked him if he just wanted to be friends ?? not a good thing to ask a guy!
dispatch3d Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Actually he just txted me last night at midnight telling me that he had so much work this weekend and he was at a conference. He also told me that he misses me and wants to see me on Monday night. I think this is a red flag, since he has not wanted to hang out for like two weekends in a row. Could be that he is just interested in FWB? What do you guys think? Should I respond to his txt and meet up with him? How can I tell if he is genuinely interested in a relationship? you're being insecure. See him on monday. Stop trying to read into crap.
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