Girl I dumped willing to give me another chance

[pwnies]

So I recently ended it with my girl (been together for 6 months but have been hooking up/talking for 2 years). Basically, things were going really good and I heard she wasn't totally over her ex-bf which made me really upset. I started to emotionally withdraw myself, stopped talking as much to her and it created issues. She got hurt, we fought more, and I couldn't take it because of the stress and ended it.

 

For the few days after, I felt like garbage. I acted irrationally and never gave her a shot to talk and explain why we were fighting and how we could deal with it. (Just as a backnote: we used to hook up non-committed but she always wanted more, she dealt with my immaturity/issues and stuck with me until she could finally totally have me just as I dealt with her having emotional issues because her ex-bf. We helped each other grow).

 

Anyway, I regret ending it because at the core she is a great girl and I know we have fun together. It's just the negativity recently has been clouding my head.

 

I want her back. Plain and simple. She gave me a shot after I ended it and we went on a hour and a half walk where I explained everything, what I felt about her, etc. Now, she said she is willing to give me another chance. She has not said she wants space or anything. But I don't want to annoy her and whatever. I'm curious what the best way to do this is? She is mad at me but willing to spend time. Part of me wants to give her time away so I can make myself a better person and make her happy in the future, part of me wants her now. I need to find the perfect balance of getting her back without being overbearing... She said she wants to give me another shot but I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how much is too much.. hopefully you guys can help me.

Edited April 16, 2011 by pwnies

[Lil1]

Ice cream and a movie sounds very sweet.... could you possibly go see a movie instead of going back to your place to watch one? She wants to work things out with you so I don't think its bad if you ask her out, but it may be more comfortable at this very point in your relationship (sounds like it's somewhat fragile) for you both to go out! I think that its a very good sign that you were both able to discuss your true feelings and deal with them. My advice is to be patient with her, show her how much you like her, and also keep pursuing your own goals (don't get consumed by the relationship - that will make you be overbearing!). Take it one day at a time and really get to know her for who she is. Good luck!

[pwnies]

Ice cream and a movie sounds very sweet.... could you possibly go see a movie instead of going back to your place to watch one? She wants to work things out with you so I don't think its bad if you ask her out, but it may be more comfortable at this very point in your relationship (sounds like it's somewhat fragile) for you both to go out! I think that its a very good sign that you were both able to discuss your true feelings and deal with them. My advice is to be patient with her, show her how much you like her, and also keep pursuing your own goals (don't get consumed by the relationship - that will make you be overbearing!). Take it one day at a time and really get to know her for who she is. Good luck!

 

Thanks. I know I have to be patient no matter how hard it is. When you usually hear about exes, someone needs space.. She's saying she wants to give me another chance, so you would think she would be happy to be with me but I spent my night with her last night out at a bar. She was hanging out with me but she was obviously very upset.. She wasn't totally into the convo but was just there with me you know.. I'm wondering if that's normal and if I should appreciate the fact that she's willing to spend time with me and just deal with her being not totally happy, or if that's a bigger red flag that I'm missing?

Edited April 16, 2011 by pwnies

[Lil1]

hmmmm... well, you know your gut feeling better than anyone. If she was being standoffish while on a date with you - after you two had that conversation, then yes, I would be a little upset (considering it was a mutual decision to give each other a real chance). Test her out tonight. If she is still playing head games or seeming like she is not enjoying herself then talk with her again and ask her what she really wants. Let her know that you truly care about her and that you want to see her happy. If she feels like she can't be happy (either because she is still hung up on her ex or because she is not that into you) then she needs to be honest with you. You have a heart and feelings too, and even though it is a fresh relationship she should be more considerate of your feelings.

 

You mentioned that you heard that she wasnt over her ex... did you discuss this with her? Did you let her know that is the reason why you withdrew from her? Have an honest conversation with her. Maybe she doesnt realize how much you really like her since you were the one who broke it off with her so early in the relationship. Bottom line is, if she still thinks about her ex then she should let you know before you become more invested in her. That way you can move forward accordingly (either take it very slow and be ok with being a rebound or move on completely!).

[pwnies]

hmmmm... well, you know your gut feeling better than anyone. If she was being standoffish while on a date with you - after you two had that conversation, then yes, I would be a little upset (considering it was a mutual decision to give each other a real chance). Test her out tonight. If she is still playing head games or seeming like she is not enjoying herself then talk with her again and ask her what she really wants. Let her know that you truly care about her and that you want to see her happy. If she feels like she can't be happy (either because she is still hung up on her ex or because she is not that into you) then she needs to be honest with you. You have a heart and feelings too, and even though it is a fresh relationship she should be more considerate of your feelings.

 

You mentioned that you heard that she wasnt over her ex... did you discuss this with her? Did you let her know that is the reason why you withdrew from her? Have an honest conversation with her. Maybe she doesnt realize how much you really like her since you were the one who broke it off with her so early in the relationship. Bottom line is, if she still thinks about her ex then she should let you know before you become more invested in her. That way you can move forward accordingly (either take it very slow and be ok with being a rebound or move on completely!).

 

i've discussed it with her before. she dated him from age 11-18 (crazy!) and i knew she was hurt by it. it took her a while to have sex because she wasn't ready but i waited. she has the same birthday as him and although they broke up over a year ago she still says she cant enjoy her birthday as much because of that. i think i love her which i haven't told her (and won't because the time isnt appropriate) but sometimes i've thought she wasn't always fully there because she's still hung up over her ex. i don't know what i'm going to do. part of me wants to be with her, and part of me wants to move on. i'm having serious internal conflicts.

 

if i said something along the lines of her being happy with me, she would respond with something like "how do you want me to act? you dumped me last week.. be happy that i'm willing to spend time with you, keep trying and showing me you care and things will go back to normal".

 

i think i know the right decision, and that's to get out. i guess im just scared of losing her because shes so important to me

[pwnies]

Ok I decided what I'm going to do. Play it cool around her, not force anything or invite her out anywhere because feelings are too sensitive right now and the wound is too fresh. Going to send her a few texts once in a while and just keep it casual. Unless things change in the next few weeks before school is over I'm going to leave it as it is. if I still feel this way in a few weeks I'll start to reinitiate more contact

[Lil1]

So are you going to tell her that you are essentially withdrawing again right after you said you wanted to have another chance? By what you said about her (below), it sounds like she wants you to pursue her and keep trying with her.

pwnies: if i said something along the lines of her being happy with me, she would respond with something like "how do you want me to act? you dumped me last week.. be happy that i'm willing to spend time with you, keep trying and showing me you care and things will go back to normal"

 

Here's the thing, it sounds like you're already in love with her and would like a more substantial relationship with her, the problem is she is probably going to need a lot of time to get over her ex, given the fact that he was her first and she knew him since such a young age (that is crazy by the way... to be with someone since you're 11?!). That makes her emotionally unavailable. She will know when she is ready, and she will make it known to whomever she is with (could be you if you ride it out).

 

I think you have a good idea on how to handle things, just remember to be honest with what you want out of the relationship. Ask yourself what is it about her that captivates you. If you can walk away then do it soon. No point in dragging things out. I think that when you fall in love with someone, there is an initial mutual spark that is undeniable and unique. She hasn't shown you (in the two years that she knows you) that you are her focus, just like she is yours (i.e. no spark, connection). My suggestion is leave now and reach out to her if you still think of her often in the future, when you will be in a better and happier place in life:)

[pwnies]

So are you going to tell her that you are essentially withdrawing again right after you said you wanted to have another chance? By what you said about her (below), it sounds like she wants you to pursue her and keep trying with her.

pwnies: if i said something along the lines of her being happy with me, she would respond with something like "how do you want me to act? you dumped me last week.. be happy that i'm willing to spend time with you, keep trying and showing me you care and things will go back to normal"

 

Here's the thing, it sounds like you're already in love with her and would like a more substantial relationship with her, the problem is she is probably going to need a lot of time to get over her ex, given the fact that he was her first and she knew him since such a young age (that is crazy by the way... to be with someone since you're 11?!). That makes her emotionally unavailable. She will know when she is ready, and she will make it known to whomever she is with (could be you if you ride it out).

 

I think you have a good idea on how to handle things, just remember to be honest with what you want out of the relationship. Ask yourself what is it about her that captivates you. If you can walk away then do it soon. No point in dragging things out. I think that when you fall in love with someone, there is an initial mutual spark that is undeniable and unique. She hasn't shown you (in the two years that she knows you) that you are her focus, just like she is yours (i.e. no spark, connection). My suggestion is leave now and reach out to her if you still think of her often in the future, when you will be in a better and happier place in life:)

 

thanks. do you recommend i say anything to her or just keep low contact over time. i am emotional now and don't really know how i feel so i want to judge it in like 2 weeks from now but feel that if i wait that long without making some sort of move to get her back i could lose my chance.

[Hopeless Girl]

wow this is by far the most honest and selfless letter Ive read here.... if u wanna give it a try without drama and past baggage just hang out with her simple.. go dancing, dont pressure anything, and for the most take it sloooowwwww ... good luck buddy