ChocCheesecake Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 From reading these boards (sometimes obsessively )I see that "cheating" has many different meanings to the "cheaters." Some involved in an EA don't see the conversations and non-physical intimacies as cheating. To others, even graphic phone sex is ok - as long as it's not physical. Then to yet others, kissing isn't cheating; I'm sure that others will draw the line at anything shy of intercourse. Everybody has a line that's set at a slightly different place. Any general thoughts about this? Is it just an AP's way of rationalizing/excusing behavior that society in general would say is "bad?" I've never really thought much about this, or affairs, before - but obviously they have been somewhat on my mind lately. Interested in what you all have to say.
BB07 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 In my view cheating is doing anything that is hidden or kept secret from the spouse/SO. I've always felt that way about it. Yes I know my prior involvement contradicts my very own principals about what cheating is. For me, it was NOT a good thing to go against my principals no matter how it could have turned out. I knew this deep inside even when I thought that he and I would be together and before I knew who he really was. Honestly.....it was always in the back of mind that someday going against that would turn around and bite me in the ass and it did.
bentnotbroken Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 The type of betrayal of a spouse does not lessen the betrayal. In the end is a breach of trust that is more often than not hidden, excused and selfishly participated in.
fooled once Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 From reading these boards (sometimes obsessively )I see that "cheating" has many different meanings to the "cheaters." Some involved in an EA don't see the conversations and non-physical intimacies as cheating. To others, even graphic phone sex is ok - as long as it's not physical. Then to yet others, kissing isn't cheating; I'm sure that others will draw the line at anything shy of intercourse. Everybody has a line that's set at a slightly different place. Any general thoughts about this? Is it just an AP's way of rationalizing/excusing behavior that society in general would say is "bad?" I've never really thought much about this, or affairs, before - but obviously they have been somewhat on my mind lately. Interested in what you all have to say. I do think we each have our own definition of what cheating means. For me, it is an intimate act or romantic thought of someone other than my H. I do kiss male friends on the lips - but no tongue I am a very affectionate person by nature. My H knows this about me and he has no worries. He knows cheating on him isn't in my make up. Sex of any kind is cheating - oral or intercourse. For EA, if I would not say whatever I am saying in front of my H, then to me, that is emotionally cheating/flirting. I have no need or desire to get my 'fix' from anyone other than H. We communicate very effectively and are both very happy with where we are today. I have a friend who considered only intercourse as cheating -- everything else was okay. She had no problem with sex talk on the phone to male "friends". She is very flirty. Can't seem to find the right words I want to say right now; but suffice it to say, her boundaries are very loose and she would probably rationalize away anything she has done.
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 She had no problem with sex talk on the phone to male "friends". You should ask her how she would feel if she walked in and overheard her husband having sex flirty talk with one of his women friends. Me thinks this is a case of 'it's okay for me to do that but not for you.'
Breezy Trousers Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 In my view cheating is doing anything that is hidden or kept secret from the spouse/SO. Yup. It's that simple.
SoMovinOn Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 My ETBXW used to work on definitions and bending the rules to suit her needs. She had a hard time grasping a concept as simple is keeping the vows she made at our wedding. I finally explained it to her like this: If you are doing *anything* you wouldn't do if I were standing next to you - it's *wrong*!
Heart On Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 My ETBXW used to work on definitions and bending the rules to suit her needs. She had a hard time grasping a concept as simple is keeping the vows she made at our wedding. I finally explained it to her like this: If you are doing *anything* you wouldn't do if I were standing next to you - it's *wrong*! Does that include what she is thinking about doing? I know I separated from my xH based solely on THOUGHTS I was having about the xMM.Oddly enough,his attitude was what she doesn't know won't hurt her.But then again,his motto was "Lie and Deny".
Spark1111 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Interesting thread CC! There is no manual on how to do relationships right and everyone approaches the infidelity issue differently, most by never having a simple conversation with their spouse or SO. In MC, we have learned that if your spouse feels some behavior of your's is a violation, well, then it is, and that includes everything from e-mailing old flames to strip clubs to EAs and PAs. If you honor your relationship and your partner, both parties must agree to what boundaries need to be put in place to protect it. Generally, if you wouldn't view it, flirt with, speak to, see, or befriend a person with your SO standing right beside you as you do so, well then it's a breech of the relational boundary. And once you keep a secret from your SO or spouse, that is the huge red flag you've broken a boundary. In the very best relationships, partners speak to each other about attractions to others and make a concrete plan to deal with it. Imagine that?
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