Dealing with Wife's Mid Life Crisis????

[lostone4me]

My wife an I have been married for 10 years. I am 40 she is 38. She has been the nicest and most considerate person that I have ever known. I have not been a good husband to her. I have neglected her emotionally. I am trying to make up for it. We have lived away from home for almost our entire relationship. We moved back home over a year ago. Things have changed dramatically in our lives. She has withdrawn from me emotionally. Says she doesn't trust me with her emotions anymore. She says she needs space to find herself. Unfortunately, almost every time I give her space, she wants to do things with her best friend from high school whose life is a current train wreck (has 3 kids, talking about divorce, home is being foreclosed, possible alcohol problems, etc.). I am very uncomfortable when she does things with this friend even though I do like her on a personal level. She went golfing with her last Summer and I learned that my wife met a guy she used to golf with in high school. They were in frequent communication (texts, Facebook, few phone calls) for several months. I found 2 emails she sent him a couple of months ago and confronted her. She said she did have "feelings" for him. She says she has not physically seen him since their first encounter and nothing physical had taken place. I believe her even though she told me she tried to meet him to talk but he refused. She told me she has cut off all communication with him.

 

I am trying to better myself on several levels. I am trying to open up to her emotionally for the first time in our lives. I am trying to be a better person in general. She does not trust me and that it very frustrating to me. We do still live together with our two kids (4 & 6). We still have a very good sex life. I do not trust her like I used to and that is also painful. I love her more than anything and I have apologized repeatedly for taking her for granted for so many years. I want our marriage to work. We are very cordial to eachother and for the most part we get along pretty well. We do each have very short tempers with eachother though. She seems emotionally dead to me and it is becoming very frustrating. It seems to me that she is also in the midst of a midlife crisis in the middle of all of this???? I have told her several times that she can feel free to do what she wants outside of our home as long as she is honest with me. She has a lot of anxiety about hurting me with what she is experiencing. I am very confused an frustrated. Any advice?

Edited April 15, 2011 by lostone4me

[Sunshine68]

Wow she sounds like me. My husband was never there for me emotionally. His feelings ruled the house. I learned to live with it. I came to the conclusion that he is who he is and I can love him for the good times and stay, or hate him for it and leave. I am still here physically, but not always emotionally. That's not exactly accurate. I put up a good facade, let's say that. I do love him. However, the damage he has done over the years to our marriage, is very hard to fix, but we work on it everyday.

What it will come down to is how much your wife wants to make things work. If she is seeking the emotional comfort of other men, as I did as well, there is a lot of work to do. Ask her what she feels you guys are missing in your marriage. Some of the things I hate is not being listened to. I try and have a conversation and my husband only half listens while the tv is on. Another is that I don't feel that he respects me at times. You need to ask her what bothers her the most and work on those things. It sounds like she is seeking an emotional connection that maybe she isn't getting at home, ie her best friend and old high school guy friend. I wish you luck. It can still work. But it will BE WORK. Good luck.

[lostone4me]

Thanks Sunshine.....I used to do the same "halfway" listen to her thing. That's one of the main things I'm working on...actually engaging in dialogue. Sounds ridiculous that it has to be such an effort, but trying to break old habits is hard. I have huge intimacy problems and I'm trying to fix 2-3 things at a time. I just hope it's not too late. I love her and I hate what I've done to her emotionally. I carry a lot of guilt. My main challenge seems to be trying to put all of the bad thoughts aside so I can be the man I want to be in the hopes that she will see it and start to really love me again. It is hard because any little setback puts my head in a tailspin of bad thoughts. I have recently mentally prepared myself for the fact that she may already be gone.... in a wierd way it adds clarity.

[WorldIsYours]

My wife an I have been married for 10 years. I am 40 she is 38. She has been the nicest and most considerate person that I have ever known. I have not been a good husband to her. I have neglected her emotionally. I am trying to make up for it. We have lived away from home for almost our entire relationship. We moved back home over a year ago. Things have changed dramatically in our lives. She has withdrawn from me emotionally. Says she doesn't trust me with her emotions anymore. She says she needs space to find herself. Unfortunately, almost every time I give her space, she wants to do things with her best friend from high school whose life is a current train wreck (has 3 kids, talking about divorce, home is being foreclosed, possible alcohol problems, etc.). I am very uncomfortable when she does things with this friend even though I do like her on a personal level. She went golfing with her last Summer and I learned that my wife met a guy she used to golf with in high school. They were in frequent communication (texts, Facebook, few phone calls) for several months. I found 2 emails she sent him a couple of months ago and confronted her. She said she did have "feelings" for him. She says she has not physically seen him since their first encounter and nothing physical had taken place. I believe her even though she told me she tried to meet him to talk but he refused. She told me she has cut off all communication with him.

 

I am trying to better myself on several levels. I am trying to open up to her emotionally for the first time in our lives. I am trying to be a better person in general. She does not trust me and that it very frustrating to me. We do still live together with our two kids (4 & 6). We still have a very good sex life. I do not trust her like I used to and that is also painful. I love her more than anything and I have apologized repeatedly for taking her for granted for so many years. I want our marriage to work. We are very cordial to eachother and for the most part we get along pretty well. We do each have very short tempers with eachother though. She seems emotionally dead to me and it is becoming very frustrating. It seems to me that she is also in the midst of a midlife crisis in the middle of all of this???? I have told her several times that she can feel free to do what she wants outside of our home as long as she is honest with me. She has a lot of anxiety about hurting me with what she is experiencing. I am very confused an frustrated. Any advice?

 

Dude get to the bottom of your wife's affair with this man.

[lostone4me]

World, How do I do that? I've asked her very pointed questions about the extent of the relationship. It was a very rough few days. I believe what she has told me. I do not think there was a physical relationship. My wife is a very emotional person and I think she would have been into anyone that gave her even an minute amount of what I hadn't been giving her. The problem I deal with it the thought of the parasite lurking on the sidelines. She has told me it's over and I believe her (as much as I can). I guess I'm paranoid that adversity in our relationship increases the chance of her looking him back up. Insecurity...new feeling to me...and it sucks.

[WorldIsYours]

World, How do I do that? I've asked her very pointed questions about the extent of the relationship. It was a very rough few days. I believe what she has told me. I do not think there was a physical relationship. My wife is a very emotional person and I think she would have been into anyone that gave her even an minute amount of what I hadn't been giving her. The problem I deal with it the thought of the parasite lurking on the sidelines. She has told me it's over and I believe her (as much as I can). I guess I'm paranoid that adversity in our relationship increases the chance of her looking him back up. Insecurity...new feeling to me...and it sucks.

 

Dude she said she met the guy and nothing physical happened? Why are you believing her lies, man? You don't stay in contact with someone for seven months and then met up with them and not do anything physical. You need to grill her some more and if she resists then you have your answer. DO NOT settle for trickle truth.

[lostone4me]

World, they met at the start of the 7 months, not at the end. I believe nothing happened. Every time I try to bring this guy up...it seems like I'm picking scabs and reopening tension. I need to find a way to move forward and stop obsessing about the past.....forgive but not forget I guess.

[WorldIsYours]

World, they met at the start of the 7 months, not at the end. I believe nothing happened. Every time I try to bring this guy up...it seems like I'm picking scabs and reopening tension. I need to find a way to move forward and stop obsessing about the past.....forgive but not forget I guess.

 

Okay but still, as said before, no one stays in contact with someone for 7 months and not do anything. You cannot let this go. Otherwise, she'll do it again and then maybe your own life will be at stake.

[creighton0123]

I'm sorry... unlike World, I am going to say that you screwed up and now you're experiencing the consequences. You practically created an emotional and physical void between you and your wife for years. That doesn't suddenly get better.

 

You can't flip a switch from completely ignoring her to wanting to control or be a significant part of her life overnight.

 

You cite focusing on changing 2-3 things at a time, experiencing set backs, etc. etc. etc.

 

What prompted the sudden change of heart? The thought of losing her to someone else?

 

Even in your desired changes, you read as being very selfish, lacking in consideration when it comes to where she is.

 

Give the woman some space to figure out what she wants to do. You owe her that much.

[WorldIsYours]

I'm sorry... unlike World, I am going to say that you screwed up and now you're experiencing the consequences. You practically created an emotional and physical void between you and your wife for years. That doesn't suddenly get better.

 

You can't flip a switch from completely ignoring her to wanting to control or be a significant part of her life overnight.

 

You cite focusing on changing 2-3 things at a time, experiencing set backs, etc. etc. etc.

 

What prompted the sudden change of heart? The thought of losing her to someone else?

 

Even in your desired changes, you read as being very selfish, lacking in consideration when it comes to where she is.

 

Give the woman some space to figure out what she wants to do. You owe her that much.

 

^^^^^^

 

WTF?!?!??!?! Jeez people are really narcissistic these days. This is the type of crap I'm talking about. Blaming men for all the problems in the relationship while his wife is out cheating on him.:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

[carhill]

OP, ask your wife what she suggests for a recovery/reconciliation plan.

 

Is there any MC/IC in this mix? Those are counseling types, marriage and individual. If she is having a MLC and has had/is having a EA, IC is probably recommended for her.

 

A reasonable figure would be 3-5 years to recover this, assuming both people desire it and work on their own stuff.

 

Read some of the postings of this member, who recovered his M from a EA his wife had while depressed.

 

Is your wife willing to go to MC? Are you?

 

Facing your 'stuff' in front of a third party can be eye-opening.

 

IMO, as I continued my own work of improving myself, if I saw positive movement from her, responding to reasonable requests and concerns and proactively showing care for the M, then I'd push forward with recovery. If my gut said 'hmm', I'd make a phone call to my lawyer and get advice on my options.

 

In parting, I've rarely, if ever, experienced or known a man who'd refuse to meet a woman he's having an EA with, especially an EA over significant time with a woman known to him. That's anomalous, IMO. There might be a few, like myself, who'd draw the boundary at the line of sexual relations, but I can't imagine a guy spending all that time in contact and refusing to meet. It goes against male genes

 

If this OM in question isn't married, I'd say the odds of that reality being true are slim to none. I've been an OM and MM and know a bit about the dynamics.

[lostone4me]

Creighton...thanks for the attempt at tough love, but you don't understand our situation well enough for it to be effective. I have come to grips with what I have done to my wife emotionally. I am trying to fix that. I don't see how working on myself to better the relationship with my wife is being selfish....

 

Carhill, we have been to counselling, both individually and only once together. It does help but our joint session also created tension since we reopened things we are trying to move past. We plan to go to counselling in the future and try to focus on moving forward, not what has happened in the past. I hear you on a guy not meeting a woman he's been in communication with....I've been around the block a few times. Not to sound naive, but I think I believe my wife when she says they didn't meet again. We have had some very frank discussions. She told me that she tried to meet with him pretty soon after their first meeting because she had unexplained feelings.....brutal to write this. She said he told her that he "wasn't a homewrecker" and refused. If that is in fact true, I actually give the guy a little credit for that one....my wife is very attractive. I think the guy was just sitting on the sidelines in case we seperated. He actually told my wife that he cheated on his wife while they were seperated and they divorced soon after.

 

We had recently lost a joung family friend and the shock of that made both my wife and I appraise our lives. Neither of us were happy with what we had become, together or individually. To be honest, I think my wife would have had feelings for anyone that gave her even a small amount of what I had deprived her of emotionally if I understand her state of mind at the time. It still by no means justifies her going outside of our marriage though. Do this seem possible or do you think I completely have my head in the sand?

[Irishlove]

I'm going to be honest. I lived this. Married almost eleven years. Our children are a bit older. She is only staying because of the kids. She wants the 'family unit' so she is faking it. If you ask he she will say no. She doesn't want a strange man in her childrens life she wants their father.

 

You can not rebuild what is broke. Trust is gone. It's over. You are only going through the motions. I would assume you are working so sex will keep you happy to keep paying the bills. Again, just doing what she has to.

 

If you think there is ANY hope at ALL then you should run to the closest counselor. Once it's all gone it's done. Once I realized my kids were smarter than I was giving them credit for I was out of there.

 

They still love thier dad and they see him all the time but there is nothing between thier father and I. She sounds burned out and it's too late to change a thing. She probably feels stuck. My two cents.

[lostone4me]

Irish...she actually makes considerably more than me.....what does that mean to you?????