kimmi Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 So now that life has settled down for me and I am back on track (bad relationship 2 years ago) One of my friends has asked me to adopt her baby that is due in 2 weeks. I am very concerned for many different reasons. It starts with her abusive relationship (babys father) he is now in jail and she si spinning out of control, She has never kept her appointments with doctors and missed many of them , she always does things only if I do it with her. (I have 2 other kids as well) so I can not be taking her all over the place to these appointments. Her last appointment was for a NST and she still has not went . I'm so mad at her for this because I try and explain to her the importance of these tests and it is like she does not even care. Then she walks around in all kinds of pain, I was worried but then I thought, I can't do anything about this she has to go and if she would then just maybe she would not be in pain. She is as well staying with me until she has the baby. I told her that the only way i can go with her is if she would wakes up in the morning and we can go cuz my kids get home after school and I like to be here for them. it has gotten to the point that I am ignoring her and thinking that she is doing this for attention. When she gets in pain I ignore it and continue on with my day. I have done a lot for this baby to be with me and it seems like she is not really doing much but carring it and expecting me to do everything else . I even have to get up and get her a drink or anything else that she asks for. I do care for her as a friend and we have been friends for many years but there is no way that I am allowing her to make me do everything. I think that if she is not willing to insure the health of herself and the baby then why should I sit here always worried. Now here is the other part , What limits should i have once the baby is born? I mean I do not want to cut her out and that is the biggest reason I am doing this but I really do not want her here all the time telling me how to do things ( I have 3 kids that 2 are adults) this will be her 4th and non of them she has raised. I am trying to keep them out of the system (foster care). I have a wedding in July and i intend on taking the baby out there with me because I'm adopting , she said no I will be here still ??? She is not giving up on her place and I do not wanther to live here. How would one say this to there friend. she is senitive and will get really upset but as well she is distrupting mine and my kids lives by being this way (kids are mad because she will not go to the doctors) then when they get home from school she is in all kinds of pain. I told them that they do nto have to run all over for her and this is er issue . Am I wrong here and should just do everything or she I ignore it ? How do I talk to her about what's going to happen once the baby is born BTW ( I jus found out that she wanted me ot do this 2 weeks ago) So I asked her if i could get the things that she has for the baby, I got a back pack of cloths thats it. I had wento ut and got everything this baby will need forthe first year of life. Please help Sorry I know this is long one but I am running out of thoughts and ideas of how to deal with this.
melodymatters Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 This is a crazy situation ! First off : you can't legally adopt the baby unless BOTH parents sign off, including jail dad. Does she know you want her to get her own place once the baby is legally adopted ? It almost sounds like she wants you to do the "hard part" of child rearing while she just hangs out, UNLESS the plan was that you would adopt but you'd all be one big happy family and now you're changing the rules. Your post was a bit confusing.... Wow....otherwise this sounds like such a mess...maybe someone else can give you more advice ??
Author kimmi Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Sorry it is a mess. - She has her own place and just staying here until she has the baby - The faher was there when the conversation took place (recently went to jail) and he agreed - it is a mess , Well theat's how I feel because I said yes to it because I do not want her to give her up to strangers, as well her other 3 kids are in places that she does not know and this upsets her a lot. - There really was no set plan, It was that the baby would be with me that's it. So far everytime she gets anything for her she brings it over here (lives very close by and goes home to check her place and mail) - I just do not know how to talk to her about it. I have talked to her about me being upset that she did not go for that test that the doctor said for her to go for on Monday. (now friday and not went yet) Yes please someone give me advice . P.S - I would not agree to something then change the rules. I do not want a extended family all the time, I am a private person that likes space (wel as much as I can get with 2 teens). I thought that it would be I adopt and she comes over every once in awhile.
melodymatters Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I can tell you have a LOT going on, so I understand that your OP was all the stuff running through your mind, but it might be helpful ( for you, and for others who want to give good advice) if you were to list out yur actual questions. Like : Are you mostly worried she won't go to the docs ? Are you worried she won't move home afterwards ? What are your concerns specifically ?
Author kimmi Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 You are very right I am all over the map with this so this is what it is . I do not want her to control how I raise the baby, Like disagreeing with me and telling me how to do it, If I don't she takes the baby, And like now if I bring it up now she backs out so I want to be sensitive about it I do not know how to bring it up to her though.
threebyfate Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 http://www.canadaadopts.com/adoptiveparents/risks_changemind.shtml Since you're in Canada, you might want to read this.
Author kimmi Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Thank you for that information . We are intendingto just go and make a application in court and not go through and agency . We have been friends for 20 years and she just wants to sign it over in a agreement in court.
Irishlove Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Get an attorney. A mother has x amount of days to reclaim her child and you are out any money. The child can not be handed over to a person of the mothers choice. Grandparents, aunts, uncles all have a say. Get an attorney
Goldenspoon Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Get an attorney. A mother has x amount of days to reclaim her child and you are out any money. The child can not be handed over to a person of the mothers choice. Grandparents, aunts, uncles all have a say. Get an attorney Why are you giving out false information? It seems that you're taking these information out of thin air since you obviously have no legal education or training. The only ones who have a say in this are the parents. Aunts and uncles don't even have visitation right at all. Grandparents may have visitation right in certain states ONLY IF they seeking such right through court, they have spent tons of time with the child and the child is attached to them already (not the case here), and the Court finds in the best interest of the child (NOT the grandparents and the child better LOVE the grandparents) in order to have these grandparents have some visitation right.
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 This is all going to end badly. Her words and his words mean NOTHING, they each could change their minds so easily and there isn't anything you can do to prevent this, from her changing her mind and taking the baby back. You have no paperwork, no lawyers, no signatures. Adopting isn't this easy, if it were, EVERYBODY would do this route you're taking. Also, let it be known that your friend isn't thinking straight, she's had abusive relationships, her current/ex bf in jail. She's a mess, hormonal and all. All the makings of her changing her mind once she sees that baby and you won't be able to do anything except give her baby back to her. She's had no counseling, a factor in deciding this legally too. The courts will ask and if this does turn into a fight, it'll be like you manpulated her into giving you the baby, even if it isn't that case at all. Because of no therapy, someone to counsel her through this and no lawyers involved..
tinktronik Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 This is all going to end badly. Her words and his words mean NOTHING, they each could change their minds so easily and there isn't anything you can do to prevent this, from her changing her mind and taking the baby back. You have no paperwork, no lawyers, no signatures. Adopting isn't this easy, if it were, EVERYBODY would do this route you're taking. Also, let it be known that your friend isn't thinking straight, she's had abusive relationships, her current/ex bf in jail. She's a mess, hormonal and all. All the makings of her changing her mind once she sees that baby and you won't be able to do anything except give her baby back to her. She's had no counseling, a factor in deciding this legally too. The courts will ask and if this does turn into a fight, it'll be like you manpulated her into giving you the baby, even if it isn't that case at all. Because of no therapy, someone to counsel her through this and no lawyers involved.. I agree with everything you have said here. This is going to turn out badly for the OP.
Heart On Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I am running out of thoughts and ideas of how to deal with this. You always have the option of backing off,letting her deal with her own problems and child and not involving yourself with someone who you can't commuicate with.This child and woman are NOT your responsibility. And unless you enjoy drama and heart ache,I'd say you are asking for trouble here.
Author kimmi Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 This is all going to end badly. Her words and his words mean NOTHING, they each could change their minds so easily and there isn't anything you can do to prevent this, from her changing her mind and taking the baby back. You have no paperwork, no lawyers, no signatures. Adopting isn't this easy, if it were, EVERYBODY would do this route you're taking. Also, let it be known that your friend isn't thinking straight, she's had abusive relationships, her current/ex bf in jail. She's a mess, hormonal and all. All the makings of her changing her mind once she sees that baby and you won't be able to do anything except give her baby back to her. She's had no counseling, a factor in deciding this legally too. The courts will ask and if this does turn into a fight, it'll be like you manpulated her into giving you the baby, even if it isn't that case at all. Because of no therapy, someone to counsel her through this and no lawyers involved.. She really has thought about it and the reasons that you are mentioning here are the reasons that she knows she can not care for this child. She knows that she needs help, We have known eachother for many years and I know that she may change her mind I really am okay with it all. I just want her to take some time healthy time for herself to get it together. She is a wonderful person that is in a messy situation in life right now. She needs time to learn to love herself. This is the 2nd time she had asked me this , Before it was years ago and I live across Canada. she really does trust me . I trust her, we are like sister's and sometimes I get frustrated as well she does as well. we have talked about this and she is still here, We are going to the hospital tomorrow and getting the tests done that has made me so frustrated in the first place. I do thank you for all these words and sorry that I did not get back to you right away. This place is kinda hectic . As well I have a special needs child and as I explained to her that I never had the option to get things and tests done. I really just want her to do as much as she can for the baby so that she can feel this attachment to the baby because she said that she does not feel anything for her ...
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