zee75 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I am on Day 3 of NC but I don't know what to do if the MM makes C. Should I just ignore it or write back a respectful "we need to have NC"? He may not make the attempt, but I am not sure the best way to handle it if he does though email or IM. (He lives hours away so I know we won't bump into each other.) I have absolutely no plans to make contact, but I am only on Day 3 and I am not naive enough to think that temptation won't be there. I still care about him deeply, but I know we need to break this unhealthy relationship we've developed once and for all.
whichwayisup Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I am on Day 3 of NC but I don't know what to do if the MM makes C. Should I just ignore it or write back a respectful "we need to have NC"? He may not make the attempt, but I am not sure the best way to handle it if he does though email or IM. (He lives hours away so I know we won't bump into each other.) I have absolutely no plans to make contact, but I am only on Day 3 and I am not naive enough to think that temptation won't be there. I still care about him deeply, but I know we need to break this unhealthy relationship we've developed once and for all. Ignore any contact by him. Block his email. if one slips by just delete it, don't read it. Block him on your IM. Or, change your email completely and close that other account. Make it impossible for him to contact you. If you want it over, want to stay in NC so you can really begin your grieving and healing process, you'll be do this and stay strong. Ofcourse the temptation is going to be there, that's why you need to take all measures to block him and keep him out of your life.
so-wrong Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 A couple of positives in your favour: you don't appear to have experienced the intense pain of a D Day & you seem to be initiating the NC, it hasn't just been thrust upon you by circumstance. Therefore in making a conscious decision to end things, you are in a position of great strength. That's not to belittle the pain you will feel & it will at times be really hard to not make contact, but if you're even slightly tempted, just post on here & you will get support.
Owl Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I'd add to this...unilaterally going NC without any warning or explanation is also just a mind-playing game, and has nothing to do with actually attempting to end the relationship. I've seen it too many times here on LS...one side "tries" to go NC without warning...where the other person doesn't have a clue that anything has changed at all...so OF COURSE they'll try to contact you in that situation. Now...if this doesn't apply to the OP...I apologize. But telling the other person that you're ending the relationship is PART AND PARCEL OF going NC. If you've done that...and the other measures suggested here to prevent contact...and taken active measures to prevent yourself from contacting him in a moment of weakness (like removing his contact information from your phone/IM/FB/email/etc...)...then you stand a good chance of success.
Author zee75 Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 I can tell how fresh the NC is by the fact that blocking, deleting my AP makes me feel sick to my stomach. I may eventually be able to do that, but I don't know if I am ready yet. Here is the problem, and I guess I didn't make it clear in my initial post. MM initiated the ending of the EA and said he wanted to be "friends". I agreed, but quickly realized that I need to get out of this full-stop. He said he would "email me", but he hasn't and I don't know if he will. I think that may have been said just to let me down easy. There already was some distancing occurring, and we had talked several times before about how we needed to cool off for the sake of our families, but that attachment remained because one of us would eventually initiate contact and the other would respond. The NC at this point is only in my mind. I don't know what is in his right now and I am not going to contact him to find out. I feel like I need to leave him alone, and I need to be left alone to grieve and move on. My biggest concern is what to do if he DOES make contact and how I am going to handle it. I don't even want to open my email for fear that there might be a message from him, and yet, there is still a part of me that is longing for there to be. It is only Day 3 and I obviously have a VERY LONG road ahead of me....
Owl Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Well, I'm going to warn you...I'm one of those "Evil Betrayed Spouses" that you'll be warned against, if you've not already been so. I tell you this not because I'm angry at you, or bitter and want to hurt someone, or anything like that. In reality...my wife and I have managed an awesome recovery of our marriage after her EA. I tell you this because I want you to understand where I'm coming from with my advice. From the stance of a man who's been through this from your H's perspective...and successfully recovered his marriage. With that said, I'd tell you that I have no idea how you'll be able to deal with all that's in front of you right now without telling your H, and without dealing with EVERYTHING...including the damage done to your marriage. There was damage done, even if you don't see it yet. Odds are, your H is aware that SOMETHING has been off...and something is REALLY off right now while you're grieving over the loss of the affair partner. He probably isn't sure what it is...but he senses your distance, your distress, and has no idea why this is happening. How can YOU picture going through all of this without him figuring it out eventually? Which do you think will have better results...you telling him, or him getting suspiscious and finding out on his own? Give it some thought. Working on rebuilding your own marriage is probably the best antidote against the pain of the end of the affair that I can think of. Regardless...I wish you the best of luck...you, OM, and your H. All of you will likely end up hurt by this situation...hopefully this turns out the best possible way it can for all three of you.
Author zee75 Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Owl, I appreciate you being forthcoming with me. I am glad to hear that you and your W were able to move beyond her EA--it gives me hope for my future. I think you are absolutely right that damage was done to our marriage by my actions. And I know that you are right about him being aware of something being "off"--probably for a long time now-- and especially right now. This is still early days of NC for me, and right now I don't even know how I would tell him. I want to own up to my actions, but there were some things in the marriage that I felt he wasn't providing me and I very mistakenly turned to an old flame for them. It does not in any way condone betraying his trust, but it was a factor. I am going to work very hard to rebuild my marriage, and I hope that I can do it....
whichwayisup Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 but there were some things in the marriage that I felt he wasn't providing me and I very mistakenly turned to an old flame for them. You start with this. "I wrongly chose to deal with our marital issues, my problems, I turned to someone else." It isn't an excuse, or a justification.. You chose that route instead of just continuing talking to your H about your needs not being met. At the time you probably felt it was easier to not push it or deal with him, especially if he wasn't listening.. Each of you are responsible for the problems in the marriage... Only YOU are responsible for cheating. You cannot blame him for your choices.
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