Am I holding on to a empty dream ?

[kimmie1212]

Hi, everyone!!!! I sitting here driving myself crazy over a 4 yr. relationship that I have NO clue what direction it is headed. Believe me, it has had all the ups and downs you can think of. And we are still together. I,m a 28 yr. old woman in love with a 42 yr. old man. I have a 4 yr. old daughter and he has no kids. He does love and would do anything for my child. She loves him the same. We have both had our one night stands with someone else. My fling happened just a year ago and it really tore him apart inside. I never thought he would give a damn because he never really had the time for me. He has been working on his house for 3 yrs. and put me on the back burner. I tried telling him many of times that I needed his love and affection and he would say that he would try to spend more time with me. It never really happened. So, I got lonely and found attention from someone else. I know that was wrong and I really do regret it because it really damage the relationship and the trust he had in me.

 

He really made me pay for it for the next year. He was emotionally abusive to me and made me feel like I was scum for months. He finally calmed down about it and things got easier. We actually got along better than before. We spent a LITTLE more time together. I have been helping him on everything with the house. Then out of the blue, I get this crappy news that he cheated on me 3 yrs. ago. I couldn't believe what I was hearing for all the emotional abuse that he put me through and made me feel like scum. And come to find out, he's the one that cheated first. It took me 3 yrs. to find out , but his little secret came out. He is known very well from everyone that you can trust him and he will never lie. NOT!!!! When he confronted me with my cheating, I came straight out and told the truth. Alot of people added **** to the pile that never happened and he still diden't believe me. But, I came out and told him everything. I know I told the truth and thats all that matters. So, it was his turn. I told him that I needed to ask him something and to be honest and he said I've never lied to you before why would I now. So, I asked him if he ever cheated at any time in our relationship and he said no.

 

I left it at that for a few days so, I could get some more information about it. It's funny how HIS good friends told me all about it when they knew I knew all about it now. But, they are just as guilty because they are my friends too, and diden't have the balls to tell me. So, we were having a good conversation on the couch about our relationship and things that happened in the past and he just had to say something about my cheating . So, I asked him again if he wants to tell me anything about a girl named Tammy. He just sat there, speechless. You thought you done got away with something. NOT!!!! He finally told me a little bit about it but, not everything. Then I laid it on him about how he has made me fill like **** for a yr. for what I did. He's the one that broke the trust and has lied in this relationship. I told him I diden't want to hear any more about that he can lay his head down good at night because he doesn't lie. That's bull**** and I know it. But, all in all, we are doing just fine for know.

 

This is the kicker of all things in this relationship. In the beginning, we talked about getting married and living the all american dream. But I screwed that up when I cheated on him. He's been working on this house for 3 yrs. and he now says he don't ever want to get married again ,(because of his past marriage thirteen yrs ago), he wants to come and go as he pleases, he doesn't want to live together right now, but, he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. My question is he just too scared for me to know that's what he really wants or is he really telling me the truth? I have cried and cried and stressed and stressed over this for 4 yrs. I love this man with all of my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I honestly know that. But, am I holding on to a empty dream?

 

Please, I would like to hear some advice to help me make a choice on what to do or say. Thanks for your time!!!!

[midori]

I don't know that you'll like what I have to say, but this is the impression I have from what you've said: I don't think you and your boyfriend have a good relationship. I don't think either of you are in it for the right reasons. I don't know why you're in it.

 

You say you love this guy. But he has been emotionally abusive, harping on your infidelity when he was no better himself. Then there's the fact that you have both been unfaithful to each other. You openly acknowledge that he doesn't meet your needs for time, attention, affection. So why are the two of you together?

 

There are lots of other reasons to be in a relationship: convenience of having a partner, regular sex, socially preferable to be part of a couple instead of single. For you specifically there's the difficulty of being a single parent, which might be helped in any number of ways by having a boyfriend. Plus, perhaps you were counting on moving into his house eventually? Just asking -- there's another member who's a single mom who really needed her relationship to work out with her boyfriend because she needed to move into his house. And hey, there's nothing wrong with having practical, pragmatic reasons for wanting a relationship to work out.

 

But you need to recognize what your reasons are, and what your overall motivation for a relationship is. I have to question whether you really love this guy, and whether he really loves you. It sounds to me like your relationship is lacking the basic elements of love: trust, respect, kindness.

 

So now he's throwing a curveball at you: he doesn't want to get married, doesn't want to live together -- in other words, a lot of the practical benefits one might normally expect from a long-term relationship aren't going to be available to you. Is he still worth it? That's for you to decide. From what I've heard it doesn't sound like it. I'm not trying to offend you by suggesting that you're faking love in order to get material things. I'm just suggesting that you take a step back and look at how the two of you interact, and what your expectations are. I wouldn't love someone who a) pretended to forgive but wasn't ever going to let me forget that I'd erred, especially when b) he had done the same thing himself but had c) lied about it.