Momoja Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Hi there, I had a relationship with this guy for 3 years when we broke up last year. During the 8 months brake up he kept contacts with me like asking me to go eat with him after work etc. We work at the same office so we see each other every day. Sinds this year january we're back together again, at least that's what I thought. We see each other every weekend, do things together and we have sex again. Last time we had a little talk and I ask him how he sees 'us'. He told me that he doesn't see us as a couple but as 2 grownups having fun. I was shocked. He knows really good that I don't do such things just for 'having fun' and that my goal of a relationship - if everything goes wel and we do match - is getting married and build a family. Then he told me that he wants to date 10 other women to get confirmation that I'm the best for him. After having this confirmation he wil than willing to go steady with me and even marry me. He said that he's afraid of getting hurt again because he had bad experience with (serious-)relationships before. But I cannot see the connection between being afraid of getting hurt and wanting to date other women... What should I do... shall I let him date 10 women knowing that after that he wil go steady with me? I love this guy and I prefer not to loose him. But I don't want to be his 2nd or worse.. last choice and all this makes me feel that I am not good enough for him. Sorry for my poor english but please help me... I don't know what to do or feel anymore.
orion1010 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too
jodes Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Hi there, I had a relationship with this guy for 3 years when we broke up last year. During the 8 months brake up he kept contacts with me like asking me to go eat with him after work etc. We work at the same office so we see each other every day. Sinds this year january we're back together again, at least that's what I thought. We see each other every weekend, do things together and we have sex again. Last time we had a little talk and I ask him how he sees 'us'. He told me that he doesn't see us as a couple but as 2 grownups having fun. I was shocked. He knows really good that I don't do such things just for 'having fun' and that my goal of a relationship - if everything goes wel and we do match - is getting married and build a family. Then he told me that he wants to date 10 other women to get confirmation that I'm the best for him. After having this confirmation he wil than willing to go steady with me and even marry me. He said that he's afraid of getting hurt again because he had bad experience with (serious-)relationships before. But I cannot see the connection between being afraid of getting hurt and wanting to date other women... What should I do... shall I let him date 10 women knowing that after that he wil go steady with me? I love this guy and I prefer not to loose him. But I don't want to be his 2nd or worse.. last choice and all this makes me feel that I am not good enough for him. Sorry for my poor english but please help me... I don't know what to do or feel anymore. oh my god! i would hate this. move on, and find someone that wants you. he will soon be the one regretting his actions when he sees you with someone else.
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Hi OP, welcome to LS Why did you and he break up after a three year relationship? It appears he wasn't afraid for three years, which is a very long time. Perhaps this experience can help you pick more compatible men in the future. You can love someone who's incompatible. He's afraid of getting hurt and you want to have a family. Sound compatible to you? So, in addition to the women he's dated while you were broken up, he now wants ten more? OK, ten more it is, with the understanding that you'll enjoy similar attentions from other men and won't be having sex with him since you aren't exclusive. Perhaps one of those other men will be compatible and this one will disappear into the nether of life. Perhaps he will conquer his fears. Many potentials. Have that talk today
Irishlove Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I would have to tell him to get lost and move on with your life. Just some advice....when you are dating people I wouldn't tell them you have a goal of dating, getting married and having kids. That will scare them off. As for this guy he is telling you he wants to go out and get laid and you be there just in case the other chicks don't work out. Forget that! Move on and find someone who treats you with respect.
Bionic Me Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 And he will continue to see other woman once he settles down. He's wired this way and has done you a favor by showing it up front. Consider yourself lucky. Find yourself someone who wants to be with you and that you are their all. I'm not saying is easy and simple but it's better that to be someone's "option". GTFO! Send him to hell. You'll see. Dont be surprised if you run into him 10yrs from now and he's still seeing 10 girls. You can do better!
mo mo Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 he sounds like he is extremely self absorbed. People with this kind of behavior have somehow convinced themselves that their behavior is not only acceptable, but rational. They then try to share their rationalizations with their SO. This is exactly what has happened with you. Don't buy his story. He is only looking out for himself.. he does not think your interests and needs are a priority. Leave him and fond someone who does. You cannot change him.
elaina Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Hi there, I had a relationship with this guy for 3 years when we broke up last year. During the 8 months brake up he kept contacts with me like asking me to go eat with him after work etc. We work at the same office so we see each other every day. Sinds this year january we're back together again, at least that's what I thought. We see each other every weekend, do things together and we have sex again. Last time we had a little talk and I ask him how he sees 'us'. He told me that he doesn't see us as a couple but as 2 grownups having fun. I was shocked. He knows really good that I don't do such things just for 'having fun' and that my goal of a relationship - if everything goes wel and we do match - is getting married and build a family. Then he told me that he wants to date 10 other women to get confirmation that I'm the best for him. After having this confirmation he wil than willing to go steady with me and even marry me. He said that he's afraid of getting hurt again because he had bad experience with (serious-)relationships before. But I cannot see the connection between being afraid of getting hurt and wanting to date other women... What should I do... shall I let him date 10 women knowing that after that he wil go steady with me? I love this guy and I prefer not to loose him. But I don't want to be his 2nd or worse.. last choice and all this makes me feel that I am not good enough for him. Sorry for my poor english but please help me... I don't know what to do or feel anymore. Momoja, He is being a blankety-blank. It's difficult that you work together, but here's what I personally think you should say to him: "Your desire to date 10? or so women before marrying me proves to me that you are not the right man for me. Date as many women as you want, and don't ever come back to me. I will wait for the man who loves me and treats me with respect and doesn't want to date around to make up his mind if he loves me and wants to spend his life with me." And I personally think you should avoid him as much as possible, and only talk to him professionally after that. He is not the right man for you. I am sorry and I know that hurts. But he has proved himself to not be the man who truly loves you. Let him go. He is being very selfish and he doesn't need to date others... he just wants to, because he is selfish and doesn't love you like you deserve. Someday you will be glad you did, when a great man comes along and doesn't want to date around after meeting you, but rather wants to make you happy.
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 LOL, they date the idiots and keep the good guys as tampons so they have someone to tell about the idiots. It's the cycle of drama. Invariably, the idiots have redeeming qualities, besides the drama factor, which keep them in the game. Stir the loins, lube the drama factory and dump on the tampon. Flush
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Yep, it's a volunteer army and the sometimes misused power of sex is a potent motivator. In fact, in all the situations I've been personally aware of and 'flushed', the lure of sex and intimacy was a finely wielded tool. Experts are pretty amazing to watch. The OP's erstwhile BF appears to be an expert in his own right. Oxytocin master
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I'm lucky mine didn't end up in a bottle of Drano
Bionic Me Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Only read thread title. Constantly amazed at how many women date f*cking idiots. OP, DTMFA. :confused::confused: What's ----> "DTMFA"?
AzaleaBelle Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 :confused::confused: What's ----> "DTMFA"? I was wondering the same thing. I assumed it meant Dump The Mother F***ing A**hole. Thats what I would do. I wouldn't think a man who is really interested in settling down with you, even eventually, would want or need or ACT on the option to see/sleep with other women. Does the same apply to you? Is he OK with YOU seeing other people? Because if he really cared and loved you, he wouldn't want you to be with ANYONE else. Im not a guy, just my opinion. I understand there will always be attractions to other women and he can't help wanting to give it to them. lol. However, if he values your love and relationship, that will be more important than seeing other women.
Author Momoja Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Hey guys, thanks for your posts. I can't change how he thinks or feel. I have to respect and accept it. This morning I've told him that he wil have to do what he have to do but if he goes with his plan to date other woman than I wil not sit and wait for him. He replied that he wil do it... and that he's sad because I can't understand him because he wil only need about 6months to get his mind up. So it's over... but I feel that I'm doing the best thing for myself. If he loved me he would change his mind. But I don't think he wil. Thank you for your support guys...
perfectlyunique Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Hey guys, thanks for your posts. I can't change how he thinks or feel. I have to respect and accept it. This morning I've told him that he wil have to do what he have to do but if he goes with his plan to date other woman than I wil not sit and wait for him. He replied that he wil do it... and that he's sad because I can't understand him because he wil only need about 6months to get his mind up. So it's over... but I feel that I'm doing the best thing for myself. If he loved me he would change his mind. But I don't think he wil. Thank you for your support guys... bless you i really do feel for you but you will look back and realise its the right thing to do. You never know after 6 months he could be begging for you to come back and by then you could have moved on. He has to accept that he cant expect you to wait though. I wish you luck x
DollyGirl12 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Yep, it's a volunteer army and the sometimes misused power of sex is a potent motivator. In fact, in all the situations I've been personally aware of and 'flushed', the lure of sex and intimacy was a finely wielded tool. Experts are pretty amazing to watch. The OP's erstwhile BF appears to be an expert in his own right. Oxytocin master It may seem that way sometimes, but in reality, the idiots are the ones that are really unhappy inside and are constantly trying to "find the one". In the long run, the good guys usually win!!
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