mshummy88 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Hey everyone,I honestly don't mean to post on here this much about the general same topics but I just need All the help I can get and you guys have been great so far. Well my exgirlfriend situation hasn't really went anywhere which I was expecting. For all of you that don't know we were together for a little over four years and broke up about a year ago and recently she dated a guy for two months and she would constantly say how she missed me and the stuff we did and when I wouldn't talk to her for a couple days she would call up crying because I didn't talk to her and she's confused and I was just making things harder for her. Well they've been broken up for about three weeks and they're constantly seeing each other and talking. He's asked her back about 3 times too and she would give him a no. Well with this whole situation I've just been sitting back because this kid leaves May 3rd for basic training. Well sunday night me and her hung out and talked about everything and why I still cared and wanted her and all the other stuff like that and how we loved each other and stuff. Well later that night we I was fixing her phone and I opened up the messaging and saw a message going back and forth with them saying I love you too each other. Me of course was upset by this but didn't ask too many questions. She explained how feelings with him change all the time and how she is lying about her feelings to him as well. The night ended with her saying "I still love you..I do" Fast forward to Tuesday the 12th it was me and her "day" and I thought I'd leave a nice note in the door of her car saying how I was thinking about the other night and how it was nice to talk and hang out with her and such. As I started to pull away from her car I saw him with that guy...holding hands. I was devastated from seeing that because she told me they weren't dating. She called me shortly after and said thank you for the note and that it meant a lot to her. I told her what I saw and she could tell I was broken. "please don't be upset..please he just came and surprised me I wasn't expecting it. Just please wait till may everything will change and be different" I texted her best friend who's tried to talk to her and wants us to get back together (note that she has held a couple grudges against me in the past) and I asked her to be honest with me. She told me not to tell my exthat she said this but apparently my extold her that she was more attracted to this guy and wasn't so much to me any more and also that when me and her would hang out me exdid it for just something to do. I've been shattered by this since and don't know what to think of it. If this is true why was she saying she missed me and that she loved me and was confused and was going to plan on breaking up with him to be with me? So far I'm blinded by this and am hopelessly waiting around till after may 3rd to see wheat happens but at the same time I'm shaken by this whole thing and want to figure out what actually is going on. Any help is appreciated and thanks for responding.
bernardverh Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 (edited) The break up was a year ago and all the time you're wanting her back. Even while she is doing things with another guy? Wow, it's great to be her. She can choose between you and him and change her mind every day. She could even go for a third guy, while you two still love her. Come on, this is total madness! and when I wouldn't talk to her for a couple days she would call up crying because I didn't talk to her and she's confused and I was just making things harder for her This tells a lot. From the moment that you won't give her any attention she starts wondering if she really lost you. She's (very) afraid of that. At such a moment she calls you and you tell her that you are there for her. You assure her you are still her backup plan in case everyone else leaves her. Do you realize you are creating a hell of a situation for yourself by doing this? Are you crazy to wait for another guy to leave so that she wants you again? Your story is almost unbelievable. Stop contacting her immediately! And don't tell her that you have stopped. Ignore all her contact attempts. This may sound rude, but it isn't. She's dating another guy! Be ignorant. The consequence of this behaviour will for sure be that she will come to you and check what's wrong with you. She will come to your house and ask you questions whether you don't love her anymore. Tell her the opposite of what you think: that you don't love her anymore. I hope that you are willing to try this, because in this situation, reading your story, it almost cannot fail. I'm stunned. Edit: You are WAY too nice for her (the note in her car for example). People who are too nice will be seen as weak and unattractive. You could have left that note in case she cooked for you, cleaned whole your house and also the garden. Then such a note would be ok. Not when you just were together. Edited April 15, 2011 by bernardverh
MissBennett Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 (edited) Hey there hummy, I dont believe we've met thus far. so... nice to meet you *shakes hand* as far as helping you, I dont know what to say (how's that for helpful- great start huh?) It took much less leading on than this from my ex before I was completely cut down and the illusion smashed to smithereens. I too was in a long term relationship for around the same time as yours so I do get why you hung around, but golly... she's taken this quite far hasnt she? I'm gonna say this straight off the bat - you absolutley need to step back. and I'm talking waaaaaaayyyyy back. how hurt are you? coz if you were still hanging around and I was her I wouldnt believe you were that hurt. hell, if that had happened to me, I would definitely not be giving her the time of day right now out of feelings of pure rage and betrayal (I know, because i've done it for less 'maltreatment' than that.) she IS keeping you around as her backup plan - but I suspect you already know this. The biggest thing here, is that she has lied to you, and she's told you she's lying to him, but from the other guys perpective, she's not.... and she could just as easily be lying to you... so.... which is the lie???? there is no way to tell.... the other thing that concerns me is that you're waiting around for the guy to leave the picture (more than fair enough) but the fact that he will be in the picture until physical distance seperates them concerns me, and it SHOULD concern you. it is true what they say - we teach others how to treat us. at the moment you are teaching her bad habits as far as 'how to treat you' goes. REALLY bad habits. of course you're not meaning to, but by letting her get away with all this, that's what you are doing. time to stop rewarding the bad behaviour by not accepting it. You're her security blanket (I was the security blanket too. not fun) you're dependable and reliable and always going to be there, no matter what she does. so why would she change? she's not ready to make a decision. she doesnt know where either will end up and so she's scared to commit to either one. because what if... just 'what if...??' she wants her cake and wants to eat it too. There are three types of people in this world: those who choose not to do the right thing those who dont have the 'balls' to do the right thing and those who do the right thing no matter how hard it is simply because they know it is the 'right' thing to do. I suspect she simply doesnt have the 'balls' to do the right thing. and I do not doubt that she justifies it to herself. she's more than likely not malicious, but she is being selfish. she's not acting with thoughts to putting your feelings up there as being equally as or more important than hers. and that's the cincher. Love is valuing the other person's feelings at least as highly as your own (in my personal opinion, higher than your own) what do you think love is? Edited April 15, 2011 by MissBennett
stace79 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 She told you if you just wait til May things will get better? Man, she is still dating this guy and just waiting for him to leave for basic training, and then you can step in and fill his shoes until he's back on leave, at which point she will ditch you again until he gets deployed for awhile. This is unhealthy and she does not respect you, and worse you don't respect yourself! No woman is worth what you're putting yourself through. It's been a YEAR. A YEAR and she is dating another guy, telling him she loves him, etc. Really, even if you did get her back, she is nothing to be proud of! She is a manipulator and user. Do yourself a favor - stop talking to her, and then work on your self-esteem so you know how to set boundaries about how women treat you. This would be unacceptable in my book.
Author mshummy88 Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Hey thank you guys for replying to my post. I understand what you guys are saying and that shes just leaving me as a back up plan and even though i hate to think of it that way i know it may be true. As far as she goes of why shes waiting till may i never got an answer for. This guy though is very whats the word...crazy? If things do go the way he wants he gets furious and agressive. He's always constantly fought with her. To the point where he starts yelling in her face and such. I guess one night he got mad at her for something and he punched the dashboard of his car while she was in the passenger seat. Hes not a good guy at all, but sometimes i think she does all this stuff because shes afraid of what he will do, but then again im only guessing. If she doesnt respond to her text right away he starts flipping out and bitching at her for not being quick about it. Since we broke up she was with 3 guys that lasted an average of 1.5 months and i was with a girl for 3 months. I was actually the first to jump into a relationship with someone and it wasnt right at the time because i wasnt ready so i backed out of it.
stace79 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 1. The fact that her new guy may have a temper problem is even more reason to get out. There are far too many stories lately in the news of crazy jealous boyfriends or exes killing or hurting the "new" boyfriend. 2. If she wanted to leave him, she could and she would. She isn't calling the police to ask for a restraining order. She's staying with him. Seriously, you need to move on.
Author mshummy88 Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Yeah I know, right now it just seems pretty hard. I had a new student orientation in Chicago today because ill be transferring here in the fall and there are alot of attractive girls here. Thing is..not till fall The ex contacted me this morning after not hearing from her all last night because she was with the guy and she said "good luck at orientation!" I havent responded yet and probably will just leave it. Only thing is prolly later today or tomorrow ill get a message from her claiming that i dont care anymore about her and how i dont want to be with her anymore and how shes done with everything..you know, the whole nine yards. Thats really the biggest thing that may make me break and contact her back it may be mind games but i just have a soft heart :/
MissBennett Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Having a soft heart/being a caring person is never a bad thing. you must be more careful with it, but it's certainly not a bad thing however... the key is probably to switch your thinking. sometimes, we must use 'tough love' on the people we care about the most. parents use it countless times to get the best for their children. her behaviour is damaging and unhealthy. to herself as well as the people around her. by allowing yourself to be the backup plan, you are telling her that there is nothing wrong with her behaviour when in actual fact, there is. you dont need to straight out abandon her, but you do need to stand up and be strong. you can say to her, look I think it's better if we have a bit of space for a while. you still need to tie things up with xxxxx and it'd be better if I wasnt in the picture for now. then you go into your not responding mode. you have to withdraw and extract yourself from this immediate situation. she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and make decisions based on desired outcomes. right now, how is she supposed to tell what those are? the water's all muddied by lies, inconsistencies and two different individuals.
Author mshummy88 Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 Haha, thanks most of the time it is a bad thing though because it comes around and bites me in the ***!. Saying that to her then going NC sounds like a pretty good thing. She is one though where she gets very defensive about it. When her and the guy were having huuuugggeee problems because she was still talking to me and wouldn't give me up, she would tell me she cant give me up and such and that she fought for me so she could still talk to me. Well I would bring up maybe we should just space each other away for a while so you can patch things up with (guys name) and work as a couple instead of him constantly fighting with you. All I would get as a response would her flipping out and getting upset/pissed off at me just saying things such as "Fine, just leave me..like you have before because you dont care about me" or even "Whatever I dont want to hear it anymore..just go and leave me alone because you obviously dont want me". Just have to figure out a way to counter that
MissBennett Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 no, you dont. that's emotional blackmail and she uses it because she know's it will make you stay. she knows that you do care - othrwise you wouldnt have stayed as long as you have. she know's it's not you who wants to leave. she's with someone else - she already checked out. if she wants to check back in again she knows how it has to be. the first time my ex fought for me- and I mean really fought for me - it was only to keep me talking to him and around as a friend. so I get it. but at the end of the day - that's all it was. just keeping me around as a friend for him. not for me. she will lash out and get angry and get upset and say mean awful horrible things, first to get you to stay and then to make you feel terrible for wanting to 'leave'. this is where the tough love mentality comes in. you're doing it for your and her own good. she may not see it just yet. but have a little faith. yu cannot keep going on in the same manner you have been. it will end up exploding. be strong - be the rock in the raging river. she chose not to have you as her number one support. she knows who you are and what you can be for her. if she wants it, you need to pull back so she can choose that on her own.
Author mshummy88 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Yeah, i see what you're saying. Well so far I've been keeping my distance and such. I went to new student orientation at a colle in chicago yesterday and she texted me saying "good luck at orientation" and I never responded and I havent heard from her yet so I guess its going well? Haha. It's just hard right now because im hoping she does realize what she needs to to and comes back. I'm also kind of scared or whats going to happen if this goes wrong.
Author mshummy88 Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 Well day 4 of BC. Haven't heard from her at all and I haven't bothered to txt her or call her. Let's see what happens
Author mshummy88 Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 So after a week of NC she just sent me a text saying "Hey stranger" respond or no?
stace79 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 NO. The only way it will work is if you show her she is totally cut off unless and until she commits to you and ONLY you, and treats you the way you deserve. If you text her back now, she will just know that you'll only cut her off for a week or so 'til you cave.
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