Why has my ex behaved like this and why wont he leave me alone xxx

[Gemma29]

Hi guys

 

This is my first post on LS. I have been reading posts for a while and thought why not post myself so here goes.

 

I was in a relationship for nearly 4 years and we have a 2 year old son together. He left me May 2010 because he said that he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore and that he was starting to find other women attractive. So out the door he goes. Obviously I was beyond devastated. I cried everyday and probably drank too much vodka for about 2 months and i was then able to gain back some balance in my life. The problem was we become FWB!!! bad mistake as i still loved him and was crushed everytime he left my home. I tried over and over again with NC but HE just wouldnt leave me alone so it was impossible. He then decided at the end of July that he wanted to try again but not live together yet. So i though woo hoo. This did not go as planned. He was reluctant to spend time with me or stay over for the night or do anything together at all other than sex so surprisingly this was not a good time for me. He once again ended it in september and said that we would never ever be together again.

So I continued trying my best to move on and instigate NC but once again he would not leave me alone and constantly hacked into my emails and facebook to see what i was upto. In november he decided that he was going away for the week ALONE to try and clear his head and decide what he wants for the future. So no contact all week and he came back saying he loved me etc etc but he didn't wanna be in a relationship yet. Pretty much asked me to wait for him to sort his head out so we can be together some day. He continually checked my phone bills and emails and yes i was talking to other guys but i was single. This obviously infuriated him. He got mad everytime i went out and we constantly argued. Anyway this has been going on since november and i put a stop to it only last friday.

He expects me to wait for him and not meet anyone else until he is ready to have a relationship again. He declares his love for me but will not spend time with me or do anything together. Yet he thinks he has a say in when i go out and who my friends are.

So i ended it as i am no longer willing to wait around for a man who cannot move forward with his life and doesnt have the respect and love for me to give a sh*t what i want or how I feel.

I am doing NC but he still will NOT leave me alone ARRGGGHHHH!!!

 

Advice please - why has he behaved like this and why will he not let go of me??? xxx

[betterdeal]

I cannot tell why he's behaving like this, but I can say that you can make changes that will make you feel better. Would you like to hear some suggestions?

[Gemma29]

Yes please. I appreciate all advice. - just need him to leave me alone xxx

[betterdeal]

Great!

 

The first thing is to stop thinking about what motivates him and start thinking about how what he does and says affects you, and how you can protect yourself from harm. This is important for your future well-being. You cannot rely on him to be nice to you, but you can choose to be nice to yourself.

 

You've already identified two things he does to you and how they affect you:

 

Privacy

1. He invades your privacy (what he does)

2. That hurts you (how you feel about it)

3. You want his invasions to stop (what you want to happen)

 

You have asked him to do 3 but he has not done it, so it's time for you to do it. Have you changed your email and Facebook passwords? Have you blocked him on Facebook and set your privacy settings on there to make your content only visible to friends?

 

These are things you can do to protect your privacy.

 

Contact

1. He keeps contacting you (what he does)

2. That upsets you each time (how it makes you feel)

3. You want no more contact with him (what you want to happen)

 

You have asked him to do 3 but he has not done it, so it's time for you to do it. Have you changed your mobile number? Most operators do it for free if you are getting nuisance calls (which you are).

 

The aim is to take control of your own happiness. If and when he confronts you, keep your replies short if you have to make them (and it's safe to do so). Simply saying "leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you" and nothing else will suffice. If you do not feel it is safe to do so, contact the police and report this to them. Tell them how you feel (scared) and why (his behaviour) and what you'd like them to do (if you don't know what specifically you want them to do, tell them you want them to protect you).

 

How does this sound to you?

[pinkie]

I'm assuming the fact that you two have a child together complicates things somewhat, obviously he will still have to be involved in his life. Notice I stated 'his' life. Your sons. Not yours. Furthermore, don't expect him to take you seriously if you don't stand up for yourself. Changing your passwords, blocking his number, etc. are all good indicators that you're fed up with his BS. Don't use the child as an excuse to maintain contact, and don't let him either.

 

The above advice really does work, try it.

 

Goodluck to you!