P&R Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I just realized I have no friends other than my significant other. It donned on me tonight when she said that she was hanging out with a group of friends she's known for 7 years. My heart sunk, not because I was jealous of her hanging out with friends, but because I realize I don't have any real friends. All of my 'friends' are nothing but acquaintainces. We never hang out outside of college. I'm also everyones emotional dump so to speak. Everyone always comes to me with their problems because I'm a good listener. When I want to advance the friendship past school nobody wants to do it. I feel used, and I feel overwhelmed and even though I'm in a relationship I feel alone. Aside from my SO I have no support. Everything just builds, and builds and little by little I feel I'm being whittled away. I realize now that I'm envious of what she has, I've never had it. Sorry I'm just writing my feelings, I feel I just need to get them on paper right now.
Author P&R Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 If she isn't giving you the support you need and you feel lonely in your relationship then find a new girl. She is spending too much time with her friends for you to feel this way. Time to move on. When two people come together they forgo their time with friends for the SO they should be building a life with. Some can never move past singlehood whether it is a preoccupation with the club scene or too many play dates with friends. If people are exploiting you for free therapy sessions then ignore them when they get like that. Also don't engage them too much in discussions about themselves. They'll lead to the same place. You aren't a trained professional or their mother. You aren't required to listen to all of their problems. I'm not the only person in her life nor should I expect myself to be. She has needs, and she needs to balence her life between friends, family and me.
TigerCub Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 and you have needs as well which she isn't fulfilling. This is why the relationship is ultimately unsustainable. You are too concerned with others' needs which is why your needs are never met. I understand where you're coming from here, that yes, as his gf, she should be meeting his needs, but at the same time, I dont agree that people who are in relationships should cut their friends off either. We don't know how often she's out with her friends. If she's meeting with them ALL the time, and ignoring her boyfriend, then yes, I competely agree with you. But if she's just seeing them like once a week or something, I don't think that's bad - I actually would think that's a good thing. Some people lose themselves in a relationship, they forget all about their friends, and they isolate themselves, and they lose part of their own identity - then, when a relationship fails, they come running back to those same friends they ignored - I, for one, have no respect for people like that. I think a healthy balance is in order. P&R - If I'm understanding you correctly, you're finding it hard to make hang out buddies. I can relate (I used to be in that position at one point or another) - the trick here is to find people you have stuff in common with, same hobbies, activities, etc.. Maybe if you joined some kind of club or team for a sport/hobby that you're really passionate about, you can make hang out buddies that way. Until then, at least you'd have your own social activity that's just for you - until you form the friendships you want. Oh and as for that feeling used part - for being the person everyone goes to when they need to vent (the emotional punching bag) - I totally know what you mean - don't get me wrong, I love helping my friends and family, etc, but sometimes couldn't help but feel a little let down when they couldn't make time for me (when all is well for them) I don't harp on it too much - I just found other friends that I liked hanging out with. Good luck
Author P&R Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 I don't think she's neglecting me as a poster was saying. We spend 1-2 days a week together. As far as her friends go she probably spends 4-5 days a week hanging out with various friends. Even though we see each other 1-2 days a week usually we spend all day together. A good 6 hours, sometimes more. Although the one thing that bothers me is the lack of communication that we have in between the times we see each other. Sometimes we go 7-8 days without seeing each other. As far as friends go... All of the people I talk to have the same hobbies. I have a wide range of hobbies, those including football, guitar, piano, writing, movies and more. I used to be able to ignore my friend issue until I saw the warmth of my girlfriends friends. I've never had that and it leaves me with a sad empty feeling. At least I have her though.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 The poster that's implying your gf is not giving her your support is bull-sh-ting; no relationship requires two people to constantly be attached at the hips 24/7. That said, she is entitled to spending time with her friends and your jealousy is your own insecurity calling out. You really remind me of one of my best friends' bf. LIke your gf, my friend and I have known each other close to 11 years ( ever since middle school) and sometimes I notice how needy her bf is in regards to how they spend their time together. You cannot lay blame on her for having a life, the problem therein lies in the fact that you don't have one. Time to start.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Be careful what you tell yourself, you might just believe it. Calling yourself a loser is not a good thing--even if life hasn't been kind to you. Learn lessons. Make changes. Start winning a few. Good luck.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I know how that feels! It sucks and I've been in that situation before. I hope you make some friends. It will make your life easier.
mtber75 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Like what xpaperxcut said, you have to get a life outside the relationship. That's bull! That you have to spend 24/7 with your partner??? People who said this have self esteem/control issues! Go out with people of the same interest and hobby. In no time, you find yourself a best man for your wedding...
Miss M Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 It's never too late to make new friends and strong bonds. You should join a pool league or a martial arts class. You're bound to find someone who you can bond with, you just have to let your self go and be open with them as they are with you.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 No one suggested a 24/7 relationship. That was an overreaction to spending more time with her than her friends. If people here are this dead set against a 24/7 relationship with a SO then how long do any of you expect to stay young enough to fool around and not get serious about a LTR? Forever? As it stands I spent more time as a child with my grandmother in a week who lived an hour away than you do with your gf. I doubt your gf lives an hour or more away or does she? This whole relationship sounds really off. Hey, I was raised by my grandparents when I was little, but does that constitute an excuse that my SO should give me the same amount of courtesy and attention my grandparents gave me? It's ridiculous that you're accusing the OP's gf of having committment issues just because she socializes; that's the same illogical argument as suggesting that someone is noncommital because they're in an LDR. What the OP's problem here is that he does not have the social dynamics that is pertinent in her life. If he has the same kind of friends for the last 7 years or so years I doubt he would have a need to feel " jealous" about spending Friday night home. And no one here advocates a 24/7 hour relationship because it's unrealistic, even married couples need their alone time despite vowing " forever and always".
stepka Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 (edited) I just realized I have no friends other than my significant other. It donned on me tonight when she said that she was hanging out with a group of friends she's known for 7 years. My heart sunk, not because I was jealous of her hanging out with friends, but because I realize I don't have any real friends. All of my 'friends' are nothing but acquaintainces. We never hang out outside of college. I'm also everyones emotional dump so to speak. Everyone always comes to me with their problems because I'm a good listener. When I want to advance the friendship past school nobody wants to do it. I feel used, and I feel overwhelmed and even though I'm in a relationship I feel alone. Aside from my SO I have no support. Everything just builds, and builds and little by little I feel I'm being whittled away. I realize now that I'm envious of what she has, I've never had it. Sorry I'm just writing my feelings, I feel I just need to get them on paper right now. I've been in that situation. I had a LD BF and he came over and asked me to call some of my friends so we could hang out and I realized then that there was no one I felt comfortable enough to call for that and it hurt. I think many of us go thru phases in our life where that happens so I don't think it makes you a loser at all. Also, I think men often don't socialize as much as women do, though I could be wrong about that. Is your life in transition? I asked b/c many of us find ourselves in a position where we have to make new friends and not all of us do that quickly and easily. I'm coming out of a divorce and have been trying to get out and meet people and it's working--things are much better. Ms. Popularity? No. Small circle of friends and fun things to do with them? Yes. But I'm still not sure who I'd call if I wanted to go to hear certain kinds of music around town, which is one of my favorite activities. As for your getting used--I've had that problem too. I realize looking back that I didn't know how to set boundaries with people and I had to learn to do that and I also had to learn to teach people to respect me. My own family treated me with little respect but I taught all of them that I wouldn't be pushed around and I think I did it rather nicely--at least they're all still speaking to me. Edited April 16, 2011 by stepka
Disillusioned Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 You know, it irritates the crap out of me that "loser" has become just as much of a shibboleth as "outrage" and "security" (and for those of us who remember the 90s, "stealth"). A "loser" is anyone who doesn't buy into the fake, pre-fab idea of nouveau riche happiness: an arm charm who gives you mindless sex, a fast little car, and a high-paying job working for SOMEONE ELSE. Since I want no part of that, I'm glad to have "lost". You winners can go on scoring your points, in the meantime I'll go on enjoying my quality of life and keeping my stress level to a minimum.
Author P&R Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 Like what xpaperxcut said, you have to get a life outside the relationship. That's bull! That you have to spend 24/7 with your partner??? People who said this have self esteem/control issues! Go out with people of the same interest and hobby. In no time, you find yourself a best man for your wedding... Just to clarify I feel two days a week is adequate. I would like more sometimes but I don't feel neglected by her at all.
Author P&R Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 These words betray your OP and your tone. Be honest with yourself if you want someone who is more available to you. We know what bothers us in life; the suffering comes from denial. Be completely honest with yourself about how you feel. You've got nothing to prove to anyone here. Every human being deserves happiness. You just may find it best on your own, with some time and a clear head. Man, other people in our lives really suck sometimes. I just wish I had a real friend besides my SO which my original post was getting at. I'm not jealous of her time, I'm jealous of her support system, and her awesome friends. Her main group of friends are without a doubt some of the best people I have met in my entire life (except for one person, he's morally bankrupt). I get as much time with her as her best friend of 9 years so I feel like I'm at least a priority in her life. .. Funny story... her main group consist of 8 people. They have been getting together ever since their Sophmore year of high school (6 years.) Every week these friends get together and either watch movies, or go out and do some fun activity. It started when a lonely paper boy came to the door to deliver the papers. It was his birthday and he was going to spend it all alone, they vaguely knew him (all they really knew about him was his name). My girlfriend and her best friend dragged him inside the house and called as many as their friends as they could get over. They baked him a cake, and put candles on their cake that said 1 and ? because they didn't know his age. They went out bowling afterwards and after that day they all started getting together every week. When I heard this story it melted my heart.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I just wish I had a real friend besides my SO which my original post was getting at. I'm not jealous of her time, I'm jealous of her support system, and her awesome friends. Her main group of friends are without a doubt some of the best people I have met in my entire life (except for one person, he's morally bankrupt). I get as much time with her as her best friend of 9 years so I feel like I'm at least a priority in her life. .. Funny story... her main group consist of 8 people. They have been getting together ever since their Sophmore year of high school (6 years.) Every week these friends get together and either watch movies, or go out and do some fun activity. It started when a lonely paper boy came to the door to deliver the papers. It was his birthday and he was going to spend it all alone, they vaguely knew him (all they really knew about him was his name). My girlfriend and her best friend dragged him inside the house and called as many as their friends as they could get over. They baked him a cake, and put candles on their cake that said 1 and ? because they didn't know his age. They went out bowling afterwards and after that day they all started getting together every week. When I heard this story it melted my heart. Don't worry. I understood what you meant. People are just projecting their own emotions of wishing their SO wasn't so clingy or being clingy themselves onto you. All you said is that you wished you had friends like she does and I've been there a lot of my life. It can be really hard to make friends in person sometimes.
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