My journal to recovery

[Byren]

Hello,

I'm posting here because I feel I've reached that point where it's been far too long since the breakup to keep blurting all of my feelings out at my friends and family, they'd all disown me eventually I'm sure!

My hope is that my thoughts and feelings may also help a few people feel a little better if they're feeling the same, I often feel as though it can give me strength to know I'm not the only one going through something.

If anyone wants to reply then that's cool, but I don't mind if people don't even read this - I just want somewhere to vent. Hopefully it'll help me feel better someday.

 

Anyway... I've been feeling as if I've fallen back to ground zero, which was over 4 months ago now. I feel stupid for feeling like this right now.

I got a new job almost 3 months ago and I'm approaching the end of my work probation before I become a fully-fledged member of staff there, it's a good job in an industry that's as hard as bedrock to get into. Recently I've found myself moping at my desk which is putting me behind, but I can't get her off my mind, no matter what I say to myself or which piece of upbeat music I listen to, she always manages to slip right back in there.

 

I spoke to a mutual friend over msn yesterday and he asked if I was seeing anyone yet, I simply told him 'nope, not yet'. I don't want her to find out about how I'm feeling right now, I don't want to damage things between us even more by talking to her like this and if I ever stand a chance of getting back with her one day then I'm going to have to be in a position of strength and I'm feeling far from that right now. I know that I shouldn't be thinking about 'what ifs', but I simply can't extinguish that final ember of hope.

I asked him if she was seeing anyone/ was interested in anyone new but I was on msn on the train and I kept losing my signal so I never got an answer. I doubt she's dating anyone new, she's got a lot on right now apparently... Still doesn't stop me from thinking the worst - especially since my friend told me that she's doing lots of stuff in a couple of weeks (pretty much a big uk holiday thanks to the royals). Maybe she's going on a couple of dates then, or maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Edited April 15, 2011 by Byren

[Byren]

Another day peppered with thoughts of her.

Whilst doing some research at work I came across this animation:

... I was worried I was gonna break down there and then!

 

On the way home I was thinking about how long it's been since we were close and happy, this filled me with two emotions:

 

1. Since time is supposedly a great healer I imagine I'll be over her within the next few months (or sooner... or later, I guess you can't put a timeline on it!)

 

2. I don't want 1. to happen and it made me sad that she might be thinking the same way or be further along the path of recovery.

 

The last time I saw her I let her know that she can contact me again if she wants to (I asked for complete radio silence so I could heal), something she'd been asking for when I broke contact a few times. She hasn't contacted me since (without me doing so first) and that makes me sad for one reason - she doesn't doesn't need to depend on my support anymore.

 

Ahh well, at least it's the weekend

[Byren]

As I felt a little down last night I rolled myself a cig. This is becoming way too frequent, I really need to stop.

 

I ended up playing on my xbox last night, something I don't really do anymore; I often feel as though I should be doing something more productive and that games are a waste of time (despite being in the games industry!). Last night was great though, there were a variety of friends from differing friendship groups that were happy to see me online and we all played together until the early hours.

 

I'd left the video I posted up earlier open on my laptop, so when I came to use it before bed I took another hit. I felt as though I wanted to send it to her, but in the end I realised that there's no point; it's been too long, the time for sending these kinds of things to her has passed and she'd probably just pity me and continue to grow distant.

 

This morning I woke up and thought about her, but it was different and strange. In my mind she seemed like a distant memory, and I wasn't pining for it... I felt sad that I might be slowly converting my feelings for her into memories.

I still love her, I don't think I will ever stop loving her, and if she were to appear and ask for me to be a part of her future again then I'd spring up at the chance. It feels so wrong that the problems we had have been fixed now, yet we're still apart.

 

This weekend will hopefully keep me nice and busy - I've got to set myself up at the dentist and doctor's, got a cinema outing planned, some personal work and work work that needs doing. I'm also meeting up with a girl that I used to date briefly before my ex. The meeting won't be a date, I haven't felt 'that way' about her in a long long time and I don't feel attracted to her anymore, but she's a good laugh and maybe she'll help me feel good about myself again

[Byren]

Managed to get through yesterday without a cigarette, it was the first day without one for a few weeks now.

 

I posted a link on her facebook wall today. Turns out Hugh Laurie's releasing a blues album soon, and not only is the music right down her street but it's freakin' Hugh Laurie, an actor we both love... and he's singing!

I genuinely posted the link on her wall so that she can enjoy the music too, I don't want something that she's bound to enjoy to skip her by just because I'm worried about keeping 'NC' or not...

[Byren]

Ha, and the downsides of being in contact seep through once again... a mutual friend commented on the link I posted and so I went back to her page to reply, and in the time between posting the link and now she's uploaded some photos... you can see where this is going.

One of the photos has a guy in it, one I think I recognise as her first boyfriend from before she went to uni. Sh*t.

[broken-and-lost]

stay away from anything to do with her it's only going to hurt you fella pictures songs anything........ just keep posting and doing other things if possible

[hellon]

Thanks for sharing, this all sounds really familiar. Almost 9 months out, and I'm still obsessing over my ex, because we kept talking (and he *said* he wanted to get back together, for awhile). It took seeing a facebook pic of him with his (surprise!) new gf a couple of weeks ago to really cut ties.

 

I've been a chain smoking wino, maybe not the healthiest, but at this point I think we just have to do whatever gets us through the day. Stay busy, try to occupy your mind with other stuff, keep writing... And yeah, your friends may be a tired of hearing about it (I know mine are ready to have me committed), but if they're good friends, they'll still listen.

[Duckduckgoose]

Hello Byren!

 

I just want you to know I am also 4-5 months out of a marriage. Now exH left early December.

 

Keep posting here, it helps your sanity!

 

I have recently fallen back into the trap of missing him, but I am not contacting him or any mutual friends. He is not a friend on FB and is in fact blocked from my FB.

 

You said you are in the gaming industry. That is awesome! What sorts of games do you design? I am a big gamer, I have a lot of gaming systems and also enjoy online games

 

As far as coping goes, you said you are kind of worried about starting smoking again. Well, sometimes people smoke to help cope... not saying I condone it personally but if it helps calm your nerves then do it... its just not too good for you.

 

One of the things that helps me cope the most is doing some of the things that I couldn't do while still married. At first I was really depressed because of all the free time. World of Warcraft helped some, as does mountain biking and hiking. I've also been able to spend more time with my medieval re-enacting and learning Ju-Jitsu

 

If you are afraid that gaming isn't productive then think of some things you enjoy that you do consider productive. Would working out or running be more your style? It will get you in shape and all the feel-good hormones in your system after a workout will make you feel like a star... not to mention the new women that will notice you when you look extra sexy

 

Also, for the times I miss the exH I made a list of all the things about him that were MAKING ME NUTS, or that I really didn't like. If I am missing him I read the list. Sometimes I don't need to.

 

The time after a break-up always sucks... I am trying to use my newfound single-ness to make myself a better person.

 

Really... you are going to traumatize yourself more by keeping tabs on her...especially when she starts dating again... you will be comparing yourself to the new guy and be like "I am so much better than him" its going to hurt you so much and I hate to see that happen to you.

 

So keep posting here as much as you need to. Remember its anonymous so if you are having a really suck day and don't want to dump your load on your friends and family just dump it on us instead

 

I will try and keep up with your coping, you are in the same boat as I am right now! We gotta pedal the boat together!

[Byren]

Thanks for the words of advice and encouragement guys

 

Hellion - I'm sorry to hear about your situation, finding out that the ex has moved on must be the worst thing. Turns out mine hasn't moved on yet (or at least according to that photo), she tagged them later on and it turns out the guy was her cousin but I didn't notice it was him. fail fail fail lol.

I get the smoking and drinking thing, though I stay away from the wine since it was 'our thing' to have a bottle and a nice chill out.

 

Duckduckgoose - thanks for sharing your coping methods, I've been trying to do more active things and improving myself in general - it does really help. I also haven't smoked in about a week now (had a social cig on thurs tho) so I think that period of the getting over her could be coming to an end.

 

I'm glad you're looking on the bright-side of things, it sounds as though you're doing all the right things, especially all of the stuff that you couldn't do when you were married.

 

To answer your question, I don't work on the interesting stuff for games just yet, I make stuff for a playstation home developer. It's a great job though and a good foot in the door. My aim is to one day create art for Blizzard, so you may be playing a game I helped make one day!

 

I've been feeling better these past few days and I'm currently visiting my mum in Scotland, so lots of walks with nice views and fresh air

Edited April 22, 2011 by Byren

[Rose T]

Hi Byren!

 

I feel like I've been on a similar journey to some of you guys, you and Duck Duck Goose are on about the same timeline as me... December and January were so tough for me too, although the last couple of months have eased. I definitely know where you're coming from though.

 

I have a hopeful viewpoint to add: a couple of nights ago, I hit rock bottom again and was missing my rubbish ex. I felt like I'd achieved so little in four months. Then yesterday I agreed to meet a friend of a friend for a coffee who's new to my city, to give him some ideas of what to do... anyway, the coffee turned into a couple of beers and an impromptu dinner date. Can you see where this is going? This friend of a friend really took my breath away, I keep thinking about him today and while I have no idea if anything will happen, it's so nice to meet new people and realise that there are people out their completely unlike our exes with qualities which are potentially much more compatible with us.

 

I might also add, I've been a busy girl in the past four months. I haven't had a rebound or a fling since the break-up but I have been getting out of my comfort zone, meeting new people tirelessly, helping people out where I can: and after four months of really getting out there I've seen a couple of chinks of light.

 

It's the best advice I can give you: keep meeting new people, not just for hopes of a romantic connection, but to remind yourself of the wonderful diversity of humanity out there. It takes time to meet people you will really connect with but it's a wonderful journey. This has been the best part of being single for me. There are some paths you can only take alone and they're also a rare privelege. You're in a new city and you can definitely do this.

[Byren]

Hullo Rose!

 

Good to hear from you again

 

I'm really happy for you, it sounds like you could have found a really good catch that could end up being more compatible for you than your ex. It's amazing how life throws something great at us when we least expect it.

 

It takes time to meet people you will really connect with but it's a wonderful journey. This has been the best part of being single for me. There are some paths you can only take alone and they're also a rare privelege.

 

Great words and good call on meeting new people, I've met plenty since starting my new job and have been trying to take part in activities with them after work such as nights out and life drawing.

 

Keep it up Rose, please let me know how it goes!!

[Beaten_down]

I am not sure if this is the proper place to post this, Apologies if not. I will make this as short as possible.

 

I am not sure what I have went through over the past several months, I did research it online but would appreciate any opinions.

I met a woman In June of 2010 and we seem to hit it off rather well. Between June2010 and Sept 2010 she had broke up with me 2 times.

I called her my GF one time and the next time I seen her she said you know that GF term lets not use that then she said my daughter keeps asking if your my BF and I tell her no just a friend.

on another occasion where she got angry over something small and told me to leave her house.

She just seemed perfect in the beginning and then when we hit some bumps in the road she just took off like I meant nothing to her.

 

 

We always ended up back together, She was always into make up and told me how lucky I was to be with someone as beautiful as her. I found that to be a little strange. She was always looking for meaning in everything, Gifts most of all.

She would always tell me "you don't compliment me enough" or "you don't tell me I am pretty enough"

She never apologized for anything, and when we broke up she toyed with my emotions horribly.

She broke up with me and was with someone else in just days.

 

I begged pleaded everything to get her back, And she would keep giving me false hope and i would bite only to be smacked down over and over like 5 times. She even called me once and said she was having doubts about what she was doing and told the new guy that she did not know if she wanted to keep dating him and said i dont know if you would even see me again.

 

then i texted her a few times the next day and she called me later that night. And said you know all these texts am I gonna have to block you. I was so confused.

 

Then she told me no more contact and I have done my part but she keeps breaking contact with me

Even with the new guy she would say I miss you

there are so many more things like her getting really angry at such petty things.

She actually got angry with me because I was on vacation and there was a ice storm back home that I did not know about and I did not ask if she made it to work ok. when I said I did not know she said that I should have.

 

 

These are just some of the things that happened to me

Does this sound like Histrionic traits to you or is it something else

thanks for your opinion

[Byren]

Yeah, sounds like she could have histrionic personality disorder, either way it sounds like she's playing with your emotions. I'm sorry to say this but you should stay away from her.

 

Speaking of emotions, mine have been all over the place. I bought the new pokemon the other day to keep me occupied during the long periods of time where I'm not doing anything at my mum's - whether that be for the long car journeys to get ANYWHERE in Scotland, or just sitting around waiting for the next activity.

Today I've generally felt good, but my ex will occasionally slip into my head. I've had several occasions in conversations where I've brought up an anecdote or memory of her that fits into the situation, like 'oooh, that happened once to my ex and I when we took a trip to the beach' etc. The memory will bring a smile to my face but then my heart feels a little jolt when I think of the hole in it she used to fill.

 

I spent some of this afternoon helping my mum in the garden, but I just had no enthusiasm - I just felt totally deflated.

 

I'm rapidly approaching the 5 month mark and I can feel a noticeable difference in how I felt back then and now, which makes me feel a little less crappy that I don't feel my best yet.

One day at a time.

[hellon]

I hear ya on the emotional roller coaster. Isn't it weird how things like nice weather and too much free time can actually make things worse?

 

But honestly I think now that I've had time to process things, I have way more good days than bad. In a way, finding out he'd moved on was both the best and worst thing that could've happened- it's forced me to really make an effort to put him squarely in the past. Being more social is starting to help too.

 

Keep busy, and keep taking it one day at a time.

[Byren]

Had an awesome party last night for my friend's birthday, saw some of my best friends that I hadn't seen in a couple of months - missed them when they went

During the party I tried to make some progress with a girl I'm a little interested in, though it turns out her best friend (who, I'm sorry to say, I'm not attracted to) has a crush on me, so that made things awkward, especially when she found out from someone else that I'm not into her :\

Everyone went out this morning for a hangover breakfast and I got some more time to hang out with the two of them. I'm thinking I may ask to girl I'm into out for a coffee.

 

One of the friends that came to stay mentioned out of the blue that my ex may be dating someone, he's not 100% sure but his feelers are picking something up. God, that felt like another heavy blow.

The thing that hurts the most is looking back on the relationship. Yeah, it had it's downs but I don't think I've ever been happier than those two years that I spent by her side.

I can't grasp how humans have the ability to just pack all of that into a box and jump ship to someone new when everything could have easily been worked out with a little bit of time and sticking power.

Saying all of this, I'm obviously exploring the possibilites of newer pastures, but I at least tried to fix us, even if it was too late - I'm moving on because I have no other choice, she had the chance to come back to me and she decided not to take it up. She'd already decided, and I cannot change that decision.

[reallyconfused2542]

byren

did she ever try and contact you after the breakup, try and reconcile things?

[Byren]

After the breakup I told her not to contact or try to see me because I couldn't cope with not being with her and having her as a friend at the time. I broke NC a few times however:

the first was about 2 days afterwards. I'd figured out some things about myself and had a few things to reveal about myself; a few strongly guarded pieces of me that were getting in the way. I told her this stuff and obviously she stuck with 'no, we can't...'

 

The following week she broke NC when a mutual friend came over to our house (she'd moved out a few weeks beforehand and we shared with a few other people). She told me she missed me, I told her the same and we hugged.

 

The next time was after I'd walked to her house to deliver a cd and letter. She appreciated these and has told me since that she'd often have to stop her car to cry if one of the songs came up whilst she was driving. She asked if we could meet up and talk about it, I just told her that she knows what I want and the rest is up to her.

 

I didn't see her until a month after this. After a while the topic of 'us' came up and I felt I was fairly close to cinching a second chance... might have actually happened too if I didn't say anything. In the end she told me that 'it had been too long...' (three months after the breakup)

 

I've seen her a couple of times since, the last time was her birthday. I acted as happy as I could and avoided bringing up the subject.

 

Anyway, to finally answer your question; no, She hasn't really tried to bring it up, and I'm wondering if it was originally because I told her not to contact me, and perhaps she would have otherwise but it really has just been too long now and it's given her the chance to cool off and leave the past in the past.

Her pride could also be getting in the way with this one too, or perhaps she really has just put a full stop on this one.

One more thing to note: she told me back in Feb that she sees us getting back together in a few years time after we've both experienced life more and she has a degree under her belt. This just keeps things open-ended and makes it harder for me to move on... but if it's ok in three years, then why not now?... this reason alone keeps me from asking her about 'us' ever again.

[reallyconfused2542]

man thats a long time...3 years..what are you supposed to do in the meantime. you ever think about being the one to ask to try again? i never said for her not to contact me or anything like that, her battery just dies while we were talking about things and that was that. i just wonder if i ask her in a few weeks to go and talk or do i just wait for her... i think the biggest thing that im scared of is what seemed to happen with you where the long time apart made her not want to get back together(if i read that right)

[Byren]

Yeah, it's hard to judge and you know your situation a lot better than I do so I don't know if it's best for you to contact her or wait... usually the best advice is to hold back and wait for her, my experiences have shown me that being the one to constantly bring it up will end up with you coming off worse.

Anyway, in my case it could have just been an easy excuse to bring me down a little lighter? Everyone's different so some people will get over someone a lot quicker than others I suppose.

 

On another note, I've gotten a new green flag on the situation with the new girl. After squash this eve I checked my facebook and noticed that she'd posted on my wall, she didn't talk about much besides silly little things that happened over the course of yesterday evening and today. To round it off, the message was capped off with a heart

I should definitely pursue this with a coffee at least, I think it'd be really good for me to try dating again.

[reallyconfused2542]

what do you mean by easy excuse?

and nice job with the new girl...

[Byren]

what do you mean by easy excuse?

 

I mean... I think there's another reason. She's always been truthful, but I feel she might have just been sparing my feelings a little bit. For example, if she'd told me that she'd fallen out of love with me, or perhaps if she'd fallen in love with someone else, it'd be much more painful to me.

 

and nice job with the new girl...

 

Thanks man

[Byren]

Seems it's been about a week since I updated this.

 

Since my last post I've been out with the girl I mentioned in a group situation and also on a date with her alone! She was really warming up to me but I think deep, deep down I'm afraid of being hurt again and that's making it hard for me to be myself.

Then again, perhaps it's just nerves. Either way I think she may be losing interest? I'm not sure, I'm pretty bad with these kinds of situations.

I think if she decides to cut it short now then I'd be ok with it. She's super pretty and possibly the most adorable person I've ever encountered, but it's very early days so no bonds have been invested in one another yet.

I think the hardest thing would be that this girl essentially landed on my lap, this usually seems to happen in two-year intivals for me so I feel as though it'd be a long time until my next chance at a relationship!

 

I'm feeling a lot less focused on my ex, if you hadn't noticed already!

She pops into my mind occasionally, today for example; I heard Jeff Buckly's hallelujah, a song that I heavily associate with her, and I felt as though I wanted to tell her how deep it cut... luckily I felt just fine a few minutes afterwards.

[hellon]

Hey Byren,

 

Why do you think the girl is losing interest? Either way, being interested in someone else is definitely progress. Sounds like you're doing great, and I think that gives us all some hope.

[Byren]

Why do you think the girl is losing interest?

 

I haven't been particularly flirtatious or touchy with her, I guess I'm worried that it'll come across as forced and awkward... either way, I think I've got to act quickly to regain any lost ground. I've invited her out to dinner and a movie on Wednesday, so maybe I'll try and steal a kiss if I can amp up the mood enough.

God, I hadn't missed dating... it's so stressful. I just want to be right back in the nice cushy relationship stage again.

 

Yesterday could have been better too... During the course of the day I was listening to the radio and found that Hugh Laurie was being interviewed, so I thought since my wounds had healed significantly that I'd let my ex know about it.

So I send out this text message:

 

'Seems like I'm only contacting you with Hugh Laurie related news these days, but anyway - he's on Radio 2 right now

how have you been? Decided on a uni yet?x'

 

We sent a few messages back and forth finding out how we'd each been doing and then the text convo came to, what I thought was, it's natural end. It wasn't, and a couple of hours later she asked if she could call later for a catch up, to which I accepted.

When she called we had a great chat for about a quarter of an hour, it was genuinely lovely to speak with her again and the conversation was flowing as well as it had ever done, though admittedly with a couple of awkward pauses here and there.

Eventually she had to hang up to go off to dinner with her uncle, I bid her farewell, we wished each other the best and off she went.

A few minutes later I received this text:

 

'Thanks for the chat it was great to catch up as always. I didnt know how to say this over the phone but I'm in a relationship now x'

 

Really knowing that she's in another relationship now was such a crack around the head. I didn't reply. What could I have said?

Unfortunately the new girl and her friend had come over to hang out with our household this evening, and I couldn't help feeling ****ty. I tried so hard to force myself out of my slump but I don't think I did a good job, probably setting me back with this possible new relationship.

 

I can't get the image of my ex and her new guy out of my head... I know that this is just a phase, I keep telling myself that this was always going to happen and it's just one of the final stages of moving on that I'm going to have to cope with... still stings though.

[hellon]

I tried so hard to force myself out of my slump but I don't think I did a good job, probably setting me back with this possible new relationship.

 

I can't get the image of my ex and her new guy out of my head... I know that this is just a phase, I keep telling myself that this was always going to happen and it's just one of the final stages of moving on that I'm going to have to cope with... still stings though.

 

Ouch, I'm sorry, I know how much it sucks to get that news. But, think of it this way- you were already moving on, you were well on your way, so this is just a minor set back. Maybe you just need a little more time to process things, before you really try with this new girl? Only you know, for sure. For me, it seems like it would make everything so much easier if I could just meet someone who would erase all the pain from my ex, but I also know I'm not really open to it, yet. I would definitely stop contact with your ex though, at least for awhile. Trust me, she's not the only one out there who thinks Hugh Laurie is awesome- so if you feel like you want to share something with her, post on here instead. You'll feel a lot better than if you contact her, and open up the old wounds again.