my mojo.

[Mrlonelyone]

I have lost my mojo and don't know how to find it. I just don't feel the energy to go out and meet new people. I did not go to a speeddating event I wrote of earlier. I just ordered a pizza and stayed home. I wish I could be happy like this.

 

It seems my people picker always picks disturbed people.

 

From a highschool bf who had such internalized homophobia that it drove him mad ruining a potential NFL career and making him criminally insane. (He actually murdered a man a couple years back hearing voices the whole bit.)

 

To a female pastor who's idea of a fun date is a lecture about the holocaust.

 

From my bipolar drag queen roommate, who I ended up getting a restraining order against. They would obnoxiously refer to themselves as being a "diva".

 

To my friendship with then crush on an actual diva. Who I thought I knew and had her feet on the ground.

 

The piece de resistance. The woman, my college sweetheart, who had my child, never told me about it, and probably wouldn't have. Then after I spend years trying to do the right thing cuts me out and utterly disappears.

 

It all makes me think I should just give up. No one I pick is any good for me. I don't go looking for these people they find me.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It makes me want to withdraw from people. Move into a shack in the woods and hunt for a living. All being around people does is hurt me, too often anyway.

 

I am becoming a full on social phobic.

 

I have lost my mojo and don't know who to find it.

 

Dr Evil explains. Edited April 15, 2011 by Mrlonelyone
edited to correct faulty handwriting recognition.

[Leeway Harris]

That's rough, Mrlonelyone. Is there anything these people had in common with each other that drew you to them? Like, did you sense deep down that there was something "off" about them, and you

 

a) felt a kindship based on that

 

or

 

b) felt a need to "rescue" them?

 

Because I've been there, although not to the extremes that you have.

[Mrlonelyone]

Well in order.

 

My highschool BF made all the first moves. He was a "wall of fame", jock in football, wrestleing, and track and field. At that age it was easy to be attracted to him. It was more or less purely physical. I was on the soccer team so we had being atheletic in common... though he was way way stronger. I think what drew him to me was that I was feminine enough that his desire to have sex with me would not threaten his masculine self image.

 

Imagine that... a 6' 6" 275 lb wall of muscle... having his masculine self image threatened?

 

JIC anyone's wondering I also fooled around with women in highschool...including a number of female teachers.

 

 

The pastor was a woman I met just a week or so ago off OK cupid. Now I can't say much good or bad about her. However her selection of a lecture about the Holocaust...and the culpability of the Christian church in the matter was kind of odd.

 

 

My former roomate and I had in common a few things. The prime one being that we were both transgendered. We did not have a "romantic" relationship. But since we did live together and our dating pool consisted of the same exact men ... it became much like a romantic relationship. She seemed so fun and I really appreciated what she did for a living (drag performance). I don't have that kind of talent. So knowing her broadened my world.

 

The downside of that roomate was her depressive state and her panic attacks. She would go totally off the rails twice a week. Or when she was hypermanic she would get a really grandiose idea of who she was. Start talking about what a Diva she was..

 

What attracted me to the real Diva was that she did not act like one at all. At least not in my presence in the pole dancing class where we met. Just in case anyone has followed this and done the math... yes I was living as a woman at that point... and was not in any way interested in dating a woman... at all. What attracted me to her was a few things.

 

One this one when I decided to change back to male did not cut me off or anything.

 

Two this one when she performs has been known to drag out or "guy up" and play a male role pretty well. In the LGBT community we call such a person a "drag king". She was like a young Julie Andrews.

 

She also seemed to be a good woman from a good family who had both feet on the ground while still reaching for the top of her craft. Which is how I see myself.

 

Though not all that different from my roomate she had a flip side. In that she was always somewhat erratic. Not bat $4it crazy like my ex roomate but erratic. One day acting like she wants to see me and likes having me around, the other day silence. It would be triggered by the strangest things. Like at one point I was all but cut off for saying "good morning" too her. She also would say some crazy things... :/ Whatever.

 

(After that point I was just moving on and then met the pastor woman.)

 

The piece de resistance my Pakistani college sweetheart. What attracted me to her was one she was quite beautiful. Two she was as into science as I was. We got along very well and could argue but not fight. She was a intellectual complete equal yet she was interested in a science that I wasn't good at (Chemistry and medicine).

 

What got in our way was a healthy dose of being in our early to mid 20's and all that comes with that. Added to that was a great deal of racial tension between our communities when it comes to possible copulation. We both would take turns pursuing and backing off. I have written much about her here already. Look at my statistics.

 

 

In no case was it me wanting to rescue them.

 

Anyway the result of all of the above is that I don't really even want to date that much anymore. It's like all I attract are people who have major issues. What makes it bad is when someone has such issues and never faces up to them. Then the problem is everyone else and not them they say.

Edited April 15, 2011 by Mrlonelyone

[Mrlonelyone]

Continuing from where I left off. I have always faced my own issues. I have been in and out of therapy and dealt with most of my own issues.

 

My problem is now I think I really have developed a social phobia. I look out the window of my car as I drive by and I don't see my fellow human beings I see things that hurt me. That's all people are to me. I would really be more at ease surrounded by a pack of wolves than in a crowd right now.

[au_chocolat]

It sounds like you have a compounded set of issues that can't be solved in this forum. It sounds like you are very lonely, dealing with gender identity isolation, feeling cut off.

While I do think treatment is what a qualified person would recommend, I also think that it is time to face the world. I mean, it may be harsh to say and you may be very uncomfortable, but so what. You will ultimately have to transcend being fearful in order to live your life in the best way possible. As someone who has gone through hugely difficult transitions in my own life, I can tell you it gets better. You also end up going from the weakest person to becoming a strong, helpful person IF YOU START DOING THE HARD WORK NOW. Don't indulge the whole "I'm sad and uncomfortable" dialogue. Who is doing that anyway? YOU. One thing I do now when I am feeling down is go out and help someone else: anything, and if not out in the world then here in this forum would be fine too. You'll feel better.

Even if you are feeling totally down, imagine your idealized self full of mojo and imagine you can have it. You can! Spending time in down in the depths will only further isolate you. The fact that you are alive is a huge, huge gift that others could only dream to have for even a minute. DON'T WASTE IT!