Miss M Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 So the other night I posted a thread about my new boyfriend of 3 months wanting me to delete my ex boyfriend from my cell phone and facebook and I just felt that it was strange for him to ask me to do this out of the blue and felt he was possibly being controlling and insecure for asking me to do this. I've never given him a reason to feel like i'm doing anything wrong or that I even talk to the guy. Well last night I was telling him about one of my old coworkers who wants me to teach his wife how to use a computer accounting software that I know very well. They want me to come over to their place which is about 30 miles away and is a bit of a drive but not a big deal for me at all. I'm used to traveling anywhere by myself. Well my boyfriend offered to take me and at first I thought he was just being nice, but when I said that I wouldn't want him to go out of his way, and that I would be fine going on my own he kinda got a little upset. I just said that I wouldn't want him to have to wait for me and he asked how long it was going to take, and I just said that i'm not exactly sure. Well he responded with, "well now I know you're up to something" and I said "excuse me?" and he was like yeah, first you said you know and now you said you don't know, and I said " I said that I know how to use the software, and I don't know how long it's going to take me to teach her how to use it", and he was like, "well I offered, it's up to you if you want me to take you or not", and he was still kind of upset. He kind of got over it when he realized that i'm not cool with this type of behavior and forgot that he was even upset, but my question is, do you think that someone who has these type insecurities and fears can ever be changed into not feeling this way, or is it always going to be this way and maybe even get worse? I would like to mention that he has expressed to me that he's afraid of being cheated on due to being cheated on in the past, 5 years ago, but I didn't know it was this serious.
gaius Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I think you can eventually build his trust back up, though it will take a while and require a lot of extra work on your end. You were correct in rebuffing his demand and don't have to bring him along to the house, but give him a couple calls or texts while there so he knows you're thinking about him. He feels threatened by other men and you have to soothe those insecurities. Really up to you if the relationship is worth going the extra mile for.
Author Miss M Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 I think you can eventually build his trust back up, though it will take a while and require a lot of extra work on your end. You were correct in rebuffing his demand and don't have to bring him along to the house, but give him a couple calls or texts while there so he knows you're thinking about him. He feels threatened by other men and you have to soothe those insecurities. Really up to you if the relationship is worth going the extra mile for. Makes a lot of sense... He is worth it, thanks for the great advice.
Kelemort Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I partially agree that it's his fault and partially not. You still have your ex on your Facebook and you still have his phone number, yet you're exclusive with this guy and you maintain that you aren't talking to the ex. If you aren't talking to your ex, why are you keeping the lines of communication open? How long are you going to keep the lines of communication open? It also depends on if he knew about this before you started dating - if he knew you were in touch before then, he should've known it wouldn't change. If he didn't or if he was misled, that's an entirely different issue. I can't blame him for being insecure. That also happened to me and it's a BS excuse to claim that "you don't even talk." If you didn't talk, Facebook and the phone number wouldn't matter and it wouldn't bother a person to toss those out the door. I'd be pissed if my boyfriend still had his ex's phone number. For the second part? It could be possibly fueled by the first part, but yes, what he's doing is insecure and even controlling. If he's that worried about you being out of his sight and looking for you to stumble over what you're saying, he's got a problem. You need to talk with him about this, but you should also make some concessions in your own behavior - if I were you, I would match that "We don't even talk" with "now he's off my Facebook and I don't have his phone number anymore, as it's officially done." Explain to him that if you wanted to be with someone else, you would be and you would not be in a relationship with him. But you can't just say that - your actions have to show it. My boyfriend liked to talk the talk, but when it came down to it, he held onto his ex in desperation, talked about sending her gifts, etc. So no matter how much he tried to claim his past was in the past, everything he did invalidated those statements.
gaius Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Even though you have a point about the ex Kelemort, it's very important that she not give into any of his demands. He has shown himself to have unreasonable paranoia when it comes to other men in general, and if she does it will just encourage additional demands and make him suspicious when she finally does decide to put her foot down. The relationship will be doomed. When it comes to the ex, Kelemort is right. You have crossed the friends/something more line with texting each other good morning so he has a right to be suspicious. Don't acknowledge that your doing it because he asked, but over the next month or so cut off contact with this guy, loose his number and bump him off facebook. Make it seem like it occurred organically. If he notices and asks about it, you “cleaned some people you don't talk to off your friends list and he didn't make the cut”.
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