Officially single

[carrie999]

Those of who know my story know that I've been engaged while being involved with my MM. I've explained that I tried months ago to end it with my fiance, but he basically asked me to stay and not talk about it again until he's finished with school.

 

This evening, after work, he sat me down and said he wanted us to talk. Long story short, and I'll be happy to answer questions (I'll probably come back and fill in details anyway), we ended our relationship rather quickly and extremely amicably. At first, we said there's no reason to decide now, and that it can wait until he takes his boards. As the conversation progressed, we decided that we weren't really compatible in many respects, and that we both did our best to make it work. He even asked me if I thought he grew and matured in our relationship (he's younger and I'm his second serious relationship) and I told him he did nothing wrong, ever, and he is a wonderful partner. In the time we lived together, we were a fantastic team. We've been full-time students working part-time, and we've taken care of eachother in terms of cooking and cleaning and generally just being there.

 

What we decided in the end was that the friendship came first, and continued throughout our R, and should continue. He's been around since my niece was born almost four years ago, and when she listed her uncles, she mentioned him even before my brother.

 

For the record, he brought up MM, and said he didn't really need to know my feelings about him. He said that whatever is going on between us, we have a friendship that is clearly important to both of us...particularly him, given his personal struggles. He said that if someday, when we're friends and long past our relationship, that I tell him we're an item, he'll understand. It's not something he wants to know right now, because he knows that our reasons for splitting are based upon US. I only told him that I loved MM very much, but didn't reveal more than that. Clearly, he's (ex-fiance) a good judge of what he's capable of knowing and hearing, and asking further when he's ready to deal with it. He knows something more is happening there, but he wants to wait until he can talk about it.He proved that tonight, when he decided we was ready for this to end.

 

So we decided to live together until he finishes school. We went out for dinner and drinks after this conversation. He actually toasted to "us not working out," laughed, and called himself an a**hole for making light of it, and I laughed too. I pointed out that this is the best possible outcome and a funny and somewhat sweet breakup story. We were incompatible in so many ways, but I love him as much as ever...I just wasn't "in love" with him. I think we're both relieved.

 

I feel so much better tonight. We're clearly going to struggle when we truly finish things and move out, but we're very much on the same page.

 

I feel free. I'm not worried about what will happen between me and MM. Whatever happens, I ended my relationship in a better way than I ever could have hoped to end it.

[Silly_Girl]

Wow. That sounds really quite intense, and moving.

 

But although it all happened quickly, this has been creeping up for a long time, hasn't it? As though the words were just inevitable.

 

I think, in your shoes, I'd find it hard not to consider all this in conjunction with the MM situation. But actually, for your own sanity, I think it's important he's off your radar and you focus on you and dealing with these changes.

 

But Carrie, I'm pleased for both of you (you and ex-fiancé). I wonder if he may experience a low, over time, but I'm sure you'll manage just fine. Good luck

[fooled once]

Those of who know my story know that I've been engaged while being involved with my MM. I've explained that I tried months ago to end it with my fiance, but he basically asked me to stay and not talk about it again until he's finished with school.

 

This evening, after work, he sat me down and said he wanted us to talk. Long story short, and I'll be happy to answer questions (I'll probably come back and fill in details anyway), we ended our relationship rather quickly and extremely amicably. At first, we said there's no reason to decide now, and that it can wait until he takes his boards. As the conversation progressed, we decided that we weren't really compatible in many respects, and that we both did our best to make it work. He even asked me if I thought he grew and matured in our relationship (he's younger and I'm his second serious relationship) and I told him he did nothing wrong, ever, and he is a wonderful partner. In the time we lived together, we were a fantastic team. We've been full-time students working part-time, and we've taken care of eachother in terms of cooking and cleaning and generally just being there.

 

What we decided in the end was that the friendship came first, and continued throughout our R, and should continue. He's been around since my niece was born almost four years ago, and when she listed her uncles, she mentioned him even before my brother.

 

For the record, he brought up MM, and said he didn't really need to know my feelings about him. He said that whatever is going on between us, we have a friendship that is clearly important to both of us...particularly him, given his personal struggles. He said that if someday, when we're friends and long past our relationship, that I tell him we're an item, he'll understand. It's not something he wants to know right now, because he knows that our reasons for splitting are based upon US. I only told him that I loved MM very much, but didn't reveal more than that. Clearly, he's (ex-fiance) a good judge of what he's capable of knowing and hearing, and asking further when he's ready to deal with it. He knows something more is happening there, but he wants to wait until he can talk about it.He proved that tonight, when he decided we was ready for this to end.

 

So we decided to live together until he finishes school. We went out for dinner and drinks after this conversation. He actually toasted to "us not working out," laughed, and called himself an a**hole for making light of it, and I laughed too. I pointed out that this is the best possible outcome and a funny and somewhat sweet breakup story. We were incompatible in so many ways, but I love him as much as ever...I just wasn't "in love" with him. I think we're both relieved.

 

I feel so much better tonight. We're clearly going to struggle when we truly finish things and move out, but we're very much on the same page.

 

I feel free. I'm not worried about what will happen between me and MM. Whatever happens, I ended my relationship in a better way than I ever could have hoped to end it.

 

What I bolded above.... he specifically asked you to not tell him until "someday" what the relationship is with the MM, and you then tell him you love MM very much.

 

You don't consider that classless and crass? He specifically asked you not to; yet you did.

 

I too think MM is going to freak out because now you are expecting HIM to end his marriage and I get the impression he has no desire to do that. If he did, he would have, especially knowing his ending would take far longer than you breaking up with a boyfriend. He has to actually divorce.

 

I get the impression that you will wait forever - even if he never leaves - but will you be content to remain his mistress?

[carrie999]

Thank you both! And yes, SG, this has been on the horizon for a long time. I know some people in this forum thought I was being unfair to him by waiting to end it, but it is quite honestly what he asked me to do. He didn't want to know or face it for a long time. I didn't expect him to want to face it until after he finished school. I think he finally just needed to deal with it and get our situation out in the open, even if it meant moving back in with his parents and being distraught.

 

Thankfully, it ended up being quite mutual. Neither of us even cried, although he seemed choked up earlier in the conversation when I brought up our niece (she's his niece, too...he's been around all along). When we agreed to continue being friends, he just seemed relieved and happy. I think it was really good that I didn't push it earlier and let it end when he had time to process the inevitable.

 

We're living together for a few months, until he finishes school and starts working and can afford his own apartment (in his profession, he'll have a job immediately- he's been recruited very heavily during rotations). Today wasn't weird at all. He had a rough day after losing a patient, and we sat and had dinner and talked about it, and then hung out for a while before he went to bed. The only difference was that during our usual exchange of texts throughout the day, there was no "I love you" or "cutie" or any affectionate terms. He did give me a big hug before going to bed and said, "I love you- you'll always be a great friend," which was very nice. He made plans to train (he's a triathlete) tomorrow and Sunday, and I'm heading off to a friend's party.

 

There may be some lows throughout this period before we move out, but I think we've grown apart enough that we're both grateful for the friendship remaining strong because that is how it started. I think we're just relieved and feel free. Time for us both to focus on our own futures.

 

So we're moving on.

[bentnotbroken]

Three cheers to him for opening his eyes. :bunny:

[carrie999]

What I bolded above.... he specifically asked you to not tell him until "someday" what the relationship is with the MM, and you then tell him you love MM very much.

You don't consider that classless and crass? He specifically asked you not to; yet you did.

 

I too think MM is going to freak out because now you are expecting HIM to end his marriage and I get the impression he has no desire to do that. If he did, he would have, especially knowing his ending would take far longer than you breaking up with a boyfriend. He has to actually divorce.

I get the impression that you will wait forever - even if he never leaves - but will you be content to remain his mistress?

 

I didn't talk about the nature of our relationship. MM and I are very close friends, which he knows, and is okay with the fact that I love him. I didn't say I'm in love with him or hope we'll end up together.

 

MM is not freaking out. When I first talked about splitting with my fiance months ago, he wanted to be sure I was keeping the two separate...not because that would insinuate that I expected him to do the same, but because it's important that I'm ending it because I don't want to be with my fiance. This was around the time I urged him to examine his own marriage and make sure he'd only end it because it wasn't working, separate from me. We went LC for a while.

 

There is no way to keep me completely separate from his marriage, since it was his feelings for me that led him to realize exactly how bad his marriage had become...he's pretty conservative and grew up religious, so what happened with us confused him and sent him spinning. He spent a long time coming to terms with it and what it meant, and examining his relationship. I was the catalyst and would have been even if I left him just after it started. And if I left now, I'm sure that they would end up divorced a few years down the line.

 

No, I'm not waiting for him forever. I don't think I'll get involved with anyone for a while, even if I do decide I can't handle the affair anymore and that he can come find me when he's truly single. Even without the affair, I was involved in two long-term relationships without much time between them. Though in that time, I've finished my own degree and taken steps in my career, I haven't really focused on ME as an individual in a long time. Now that I'm single and have no obligations to a partner, I'm focusing on my career, my hobbies, my friends, and maybe traveling a bit.

 

And no, I'm not ending the affair, but I will if it's clear that he's not ending his marriage in the foreseeable future, which to me is realistically 2-3 years, not six months. Or I will if I meet someone new and want to pursue a relationship.

[Carrot2000]

I'm glad you ad you (ex)fiance ended things. I'm sure I mentioned how unfair I thought you were being to him, and I'm happy you took steps towards doing the right thing. Hey, at least one person is out of this mess, LoL! :bunny:

Edited April 16, 2011 by Carrot2000

[BB07]

And no, I'm not ending the affair, but I will if it's clear that he's not ending his marriage in the foreseeable future, which to me is realistically 2-3 years, not six months. Or I will if I meet someone new and want to pursue a relationship.

 

 

Why are you willing to wait?

 

 

I realize that right now you don't see things as I do but I've came to realize that no one should have to wait on someone in order to have a full fledged relationship if that is what they want. I also think waiting on someone sets you up for a lot of negative thoughts and feelings and it's almost impossible to not feel 2nd best. Waiting is a game that should never be played IMO.

[carrie999]

I'm glad you ad you (ex)fiance ended things. I'm sure I mentioned how unfair I thought you were being to him, and I'm happy you took steps towards doing the right thing. Hey, at least one person is out of this mess, LoL! :bunny:

 

Thanks Carrot...I'm glad we ended it, too.

[carrie999]

Why are you willing to wait?

 

 

I realize that right now you don't see things as I do but I've came to realize that no one should have to wait on someone in order to have a full fledged relationship if that is what they want. I also think waiting on someone sets you up for a lot of negative thoughts and feelings and it's almost impossible to not feel 2nd best. Waiting is a game that should never be played IMO.

 

Thanks, BB. I see your point. Right now I'm not exactly waiting for him to make a decision. I'm just not ready to jump into another relationship. I need to focus on myself and continue examining how I ended up in this in the first place. As much as I love MM, even if he left his wife tomorrow, we'd have to take things slowly. If we ended things now, I'd still be single for quite some time.

 

If I'm ready for something new and he's still married, I won't wait around for him.

[BB07]

Thanks, BB. I see your point. Right now I'm not exactly waiting for him to make a decision. I'm just not ready to jump into another relationship. I need to focus on myself and continue examining how I ended up in this in the first place. As much as I love MM, even if he left his wife tomorrow, we'd have to take things slowly. If we ended things now, I'd still be single for quite some time.

 

If I'm ready for something new and he's still married, I won't wait around for him.

 

 

Take care of yourself Carrie and I hope you do figure it out. When you feel up to it, get out and have some fun! Have a little fun for me while you're out........k.

 

I can't help how I feel but I wish you'd put mm behind you, I'm afraid it will just break your heart.

[OpenBook]

I think you let go of the wrong guy.

[Silly_Girl]

Let's be perfectly clear here, you are not really single. You are the mistress of a married man. You are still boinking another woman's husband behind her back. Way to go. I mean WAY TO GO! Not too much disrespect in that is there?

 

I see there's a rock with a vacancy underneath it!!!

 

Support or discussion would be good. Can you offer either?

 

Carrie's no longer committed to her SO. She's single.

[26pointblue]

I don't think it's very 'classy' to come rip on other people's decisions! I'm sorry Carrie that these people are being so disrespectful while accusing you of the same. Typical hypocrites. For the record I think your ex-fiance did the right thing & I'm a little disheartened that he had to be the one who ended it when you were the one who was cheating. That reminds me of my xMM & how he wants his wife to end things so that he doesn't have to be the 'bad guy.'

 

But by saying that I'm really not intending to stone you like some of these hecklers on here. I'm just trying to get you to see that your choices are your own & you have to own them & act on them & not wait around on other people to make the decision for you. It seems to me that you leave your life up to the whims of your MM & even to your ex's ability to finally admit that he sees what has been in front of him the whole time & that a marriage like that isn't right for him. So what do you want? What is the best thing for you to do?

 

I'm not trying to judge, just help. Although maybe you don't want any help & in that case just tell me to get along on my merry way & I will. :-)

Edited April 18, 2011 by 26pointblue

[carrie999]

Take care of yourself Carrie and I hope you do figure it out. When you feel up to it, get out and have some fun! Have a little fun for me while you're out........k.

 

I can't help how I feel but I wish you'd put mm behind you, I'm afraid it will just break your heart.

 

Thank you so much BB! I really appreciate your support! I'll be okay. Right now I'm worried about everyone else. I know I've gained perspective from this situation and this board (and people like you) and that I will get past this period in my life. Seriously...thank you for the support.

[carrie999]

I think you let go of the wrong guy.

 

Nope, pretty sure I didn't let go of the wrong guy. He deserves better than to be with someone who isn't in love with him, and so do I.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well good move on ending the one relationship with dignity.

 

I hope that you can extract yourself from the other soon as well.

 

Good luck.

[carrie999]

I see there's a rock with a vacancy underneath it!!!

 

Support or discussion would be good. Can you offer either?

 

Carrie's no longer committed to her SO. She's single.

 

Thank you SG! I am single, and learning more every day :-)

[Arrangrl]

Hi Carrie

 

I have been following your story. I wish you well and hope it works out for you and your MM.

 

 

Arran xx

[carrie999]

I don't think it's very 'classy' to come rip on other people's decisions! I'm sorry Carrie that these people are being so disrespectful while accusing you of the same. Typical hypocrites. For the record I think your ex-fiance did the right thing & I'm a little disheartened that he had to be the one who ended it when you were the one who was cheating. That reminds me of my xMM & how he wants his wife to end things so that he doesn't have to be the 'bad guy.'

 

But by saying that I'm really not intending to stone you like some of these hecklers on here. I'm just trying to get you to see that your choices are your own & you have to own them & act on them & not wait around on other people to make the decision for you. It seems to me that you leave your life up to the whims of your MM & even to your ex's ability to finally admit that he sees what has been in front of him the whole time & that a marriage like that isn't right for him. So what do you want? What is the best thing for you to do?

 

I'm not trying to judge, just help. Although maybe you don't want any help & in that case just tell me to get along on my merry way & I will. :-)

 

26PB, thank you so much for your post. I've been following your story as well, and I can see where it may have hit a sore point for you. I said this on your thread...but I really feel for you, and I'm so happy that you found the strength to move on.

 

Honestly, the split was mutual between us. Something was off for a long time, and the fact that I got involved with someone else really made me pursue talking to him...not to be with MM. Cheating was always the dealbreaker for me; it meant the trust in the relationship couldn't be salvaged. I knew that when *I* cheated, that meant our relationship was already damaged beyond repair. So I initiated the talk over six months ago, and he shut me down. He begged me not to "do this now," and I knew he was going through enough stress that he couldn't handle any more.

 

When he finally initiated the conversation last week, I said I loved him and would not go anywhere until he wanted to make changes. He made it clear that he was ready to deal with our problems. So we did. That was a long talk that culminated in both of us not wanting to lose eachother. We were very good friends before the romance began, and we've been very good for eachother in many ways even as we've drifted apart.

 

I have no romantic feelings or attraction to him, and haven't for a very long time. I love him dearly, and in the week or so since we split, I've seen how strong our underlying friendship has remained. There's so much more to this...but I would be incredibly sad to lose the friendship. It IS the right thing for me, and apparently for him, too...it's just sad that it's over. I am mourning this loss, but ready to move forward.

 

Though I'm not waffling between making my current relationship work and my MM, I get that it has to be hard to hear from someone who is ending a LTR with someone who is involved with someone else at the same time. I genuinely appreciate your support and kind words...and your questions. PM me any time. It sounds like there are some parallels between us...

[carrie999]

Hi Carrie

 

I have been following your story. I wish you well and hope it works out for you and your MM.

 

 

Arran xx

 

Thank you Arran!