LittleJ Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 SO...been dating cool guy for a few months. We got close quick, then he told me we needed to cool it down some. he said he just moves slower than I do, but still wants to hang out, at a slower pace. I said ok...but the slower pace is like, barely anything...not enought to even sustain an interest in me, and instead makes my heart hurt. is it safe to assume he's just not that into me? Also, I'm under a lot of stress and pressure as i'm finishing up ,my graduate degree. does that influence anything? Thanks
mustofbeen Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Go work on your degree, date others, have fun, if he comes around and you still like him great, if not no big deal, there are plenty more. You told him how you feel, so he knows, don't do anything else.
Lilmisus Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Just because he wants to slow things down, doesn't mean that he's not interested. In fact, it could mean the opposite and could point to that he is more interested in you than just someone to rush into something with. I think that you should focus more on school right now and less on him. Go out on a date with him, once, maybe twice a week, talk to him only a few times in between, but nothing too serious. I've heard so many people say that they wished that they started things off at that pace instead of making their relationship so much more serious than it needed to be at the beginning. But I would see if you guys are monogamous (if you haven't discussed it already) and then decide where to go from there. If the answer is no, then go see other people. If the answer is yes, then I wouldn't really worry about it too much.
lolo1234 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I dunno... I think for the most part it is true. Well I'm a woman and for me its true. I think my actions are very evident of how I feel and that is that as women we tend to think more about that kind of stuff. A guys actions is all you have to go on. Think about it this way.... do your actions make you feel good and confident or insecure? If he is making u feel insecure, he is not that into you. If you feel a bit of both at times... he's not that into you. A guy that is into you will make you feel very confident and secure in how he feels.
threebyfate Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Another one for focusing on getting your degree. Beyond that, pull completely away from this guy. To go from hot and heavy to almost nothing is the sign of a guy who's either lost interest or is a selfish jerk. Don't go out with him anymore. In doing so, you've become his doormat since it's at his convenience that you're getting to see each other.
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Does 'hang out' = sex? My theory on the 'hot and heavy' then 'cool off' guys is that they set the hook with the hot and heavy, then loosen the drag and keep the fish on the line for maximum play. This is especially beneficial where catch and release is the rule of the land. Never know when you'll hook another one I'm a guy so I use fishing to illustrate things Perhaps now is a good time to connect with friends and enlist their support in finishing up your degree. You have a lot to be proud of. Hope it goes well
Author LittleJ Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Oh...I should have mentioned the sex thing. We haven't actually HAD sex. I've gone down on him, maybe 3 times since February, and we've talked about sex, but it hasn't happened yet. He also has a medical condition that lowers his libido, so that's that and a whole other story, not really related to this topic. But hot and heavy doesn't mean sex in our case. You all gave me a lot to think about: that it could mean he IS into me and just taking time, or that he isn't and is just wasting my time and being selfish. I just know that when I'm with him, spending time with him, it just feels right, you know? I don't think it's one sided, but his actions ARE speaking louder than his words right now, and frankly, it's distressing. He is under a lot of pressure with his job too. Could it be that we are both just spread thin and need to wait for better time? He says he could see it going somewhere in the future, but it's so hard for me to believe in this when we are so distant now. I miss him.
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Going down on him is sex. Just ask Monica Lewinsky, though Bill had a different story to tell the American public. I know this might sound cliche, but we're all busy; living, dying, kids, parents, jobs, stuff.... Here's a bit of advice... a truly successful person is skilled at prioritizing both their time and the recipients of that time. If you're not feeling like a priority, then either he's unsuccessful or he's disinterested, fellatio notwithstanding. If you go black and he comes back hot and heavy, you'll have your answer and we'll return to my fishing story.
MissJoness Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 He probably thinks you're a bit cheap for going down on him too soon. If you're going to do that you should have waited much later..so now you got him thinking how many other guys have you done this with so soon..he's not sure if he wants to be exclusive with you because of this
Author LittleJ Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 The libido issue is very related. You are getting too sexual too fast and trying to shift this into high gear while he has other consuming priorities. He's a man and not a formula one race car. He's applying the breaks because for him it is spinning out of control. It seems you want a fast guy but they putter out just as fast. If you don't want a slow and steady guy then find someone else. Wow...this is quite eye-opening for me. Never thought about it this way. Thank you. So when will i know if i'm ever to be one of his consuming priorities? It just seems his pace is soooo slow that sustaining interest is hard for me. Is it hard for him? I just need to know he thinks about me...and when days turn into weeks with little to no contact, I can't help but feel he's just not into me.
stace79 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Does 'hang out' = sex? My theory on the 'hot and heavy' then 'cool off' guys is that they set the hook with the hot and heavy, then loosen the drag and keep the fish on the line for maximum play. This is especially beneficial where catch and release is the rule of the land. Never know when you'll hook another one I'm a guy so I use fishing to illustrate things Perhaps now is a good time to connect with friends and enlist their support in finishing up your degree. You have a lot to be proud of. Hope it goes well Good grief, that is brilliant! That is precisely what I was thinking but not nearly so eloquently!
threebyfate Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 LittleJ, I went back on some of your prior threads since there appeared to be some gaps. You might want to disclose that this guy has a serious medical issue which is the cause of his low libido. As well, he pursued you for quite a while prior to you agreeing to go out with him. Regardless of his medical condition, if he wants to slow down to the degree of not contacting you for weeks on end, he's backed right off. Whether he's game playing, lost interest or has turtled due to feeling overwhelmed, I wouldn't wait for this guy. The two of you aren't compatible. Pull all the way back. If he contacts again, ignore him. Move on and keep on moving on.
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