lulu2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Hi everyone. How can I feel this way....I want my husband back after all he has done to me and continues to do to me??? A little background...married 6 years to a man that had 2 young kids from a previous marriage (he has full custody, mom is a deadbeat). I became their full time mom. We have once child of our own now. I just found out that at about year 5 he started to have an affair. A serious affair. He left me before I found out about the affair and told me he wasnt in love with me anymore. 2 months later I found out about the infidelity. I have reacted crazy after finding this out. I did some things I am not proud of. I trashed our mutual belongings and destroyed all of his clothes. I found myself over the past month and a half since I found out wanting him back. I want our family back together. Not only did I lose my husband I lost my 2 stepsons. He continues to tell me he does not want to make our marriage work. I always thought that the one that cheats is always the one the comes crawling back with remorse and regret. He says he is remorseful and regretful for his actions, but still continues to not want to bring our family back together. Why do I feel this way? Why do I want the person that has destroyed me back? Why do I still love him? Why do I continue to torcher myself with this? Does this ever stop? I want to move on and not want him back. I am scared to start my new life (which I have been forced to do with my daughter). Any advice out there on why I feel this way eventhough he has cheated and continues to reject me. I want to be free from this emotional mess but I dont know how to do it.
FoolMeThrice Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I want to be free from this emotional mess but I dont know how to do it. I can't offer much advice although I think your fear is one thing that is holding you back. As you grow more comfortable in your new independent life it probably will be easier. The feelings you have about wanting him back seem to me to be the same feelings that keep physically abused women with their husbands. There may not be any bruises on you or healed broken bones...but you have still been hurt. Are you seeing a counselor? I think you need to find someone to help you overcome your fears and to help build your confidence as a capable and independent woman. Hope that helps some.
PollyIvy Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Hi Lulu, I feel similar to you. I can only speak for myself, but I think these feelings are due to: Fear - of being alone Love of THE FAMILY - wanting the family to be together Abandonment issues - please don't leave me! Self-esteem issues - if he loves and accepts me, then I am loveable and acceptable Self-Definition - I am his wife, he is my husband, we are a 'we', this is our family, I don't know who I am without him. It is getting better. I started thinking about what's best for me, instead of what's best for him, or what's best for the family, and it really made me see things differently.
Author lulu2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Thank you both. All of those things are so true. It seems like an emotional rollercoast, one day I feel empowered and like I can make it, then the next day I fall way down and I am back where I started the day I found out about the affair. I have read where some people have taken 2 to 3 years to get totally over this and move on. I cant live like this for that long! I am seeing a therapist and I hope that helps.
PhoenixRise Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 lulu Don't beat yourself up over how you feel. You loved him before you found out about the betrayal and for most people feelings can't be turned off like a lightswitch. Just know that you don't have to act on any feelings that are not ultimately in your best interest. a month and a half is not a very long time at all to adjust to such drastic changes in your life. Give yourself time to heal. You will get through this.
Steadfast Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I have read where some people have taken 2 to 3 years to get totally over this and move on. I cant live like this for that long! That's what I thought too...it was all so overwhelming, and the idea it would take 'that long' just seemed too much to bear. But it isn't like that. The change and acceptance comes gradually, as you work on yourself. You also discover things that help along the way, like doing things for others, not feeling sorry for yourself and not taking yourself too seriously. The watershed moment comes when you let the other person off the hook. You don't forget or condone what they did, but when you release the resentment you'll feel differently...like a weight has been lifted. You'll often hear people say it's time to let go. You're not just setting 'them' free, but yourself too. When you realize the resentment/bitterness/anger is eating you alive (and not bringing any justice) that's when you're really on the healing path. Posting, reading and advising here is a huge help too. Keep it up!
Recommended Posts