lemonlegs Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. I love him very much, but sometimes I feel like he doesn't support the choices I make and he comes off as condescending towards me. He's three years older than I am and works a full-time job that he went to college for, and I'm in University working small part-time jobs. When we first started dating, I was unemployed. He was good for that time, but I still had my own money to spend and whatnot, so it's not like I depended on him during that time in any way. I have a job right now, but I'm just about finished school and recently got offered various jobs, some of which I had to turn down because I already accepted one job offer for the summer, whilst trying to figure out how to balance two jobs now. He immediately lays into me saying that I shouldn't have done this, I have to tell my other job this, they won't let me do this, that, the other thing. Then when I got another job offer and politely declined, he told me that I was wrong for doing that even though it was essentially the same job I just accepted and I simply said I wasn't going to waste people's time when I knew I most likely wasn't interested in the job. Those of you in full-time careers probably go to any job interview that is offered, which was his argument, but he fails to realize that it's not like that when you're a student and every job is minimum wage... it's not like I'm looking for the highest wage here... I know what I'm getting. Yet, he claims that I jump down his throat and that he won't bother offering his opinions, meanwhile I DO value his opinions. He just vocalizes them in a somewhat demeaning manner, and it hurts my feelings because I feel as though he doesn't support the decisions I make. I'm not an idiot... it's not like I have a bad pattern of decision making. And I hate how he treats me like I have no experience in jobs or anything. Ugh, I tell him how I feel and he claims that I "jump down his throat" when in reality, I get defensive because by saying what he says in the manner he says it is him basically inferring that I am wrong in what decision I made. Whenever he tells me something, I don't shoot it down and tell him he SHOULD have done something else. I say, oh, perhaps offer my opinion if it differs and say, "but oh well!" He does this in a lot of situations. I'm not sure if it's 'cause he's older than me and *thinks* he has more experience in things, which in some regards, I'm sure he does, but in other ways, he doesn't. He's only ever had to work 2 part-time jobs as a teenager because he started working full-time in his trade at the age of 17... meanwhile, I'm 20 and I've been dealing with sh itty jobs for a lot longer for example. Why do people insist on arguing or offering their opinions when it's not always wanted? I notice he doesn't do that with his friends... just with me, which makes me wonder....
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 While your and his communication dynamic could improve and he could definitely be more supportive to go along with his challenges (advice), one potential to consider is that, if he didn't care, he'd offer nothing; dead air. Perhaps his care is being communicated improperly. That can be worked on. Given both your ages, expect and accept imperfection. Focus on the underlying care and love. If that isn't enough, move on. Lots to live and learn
Author lemonlegs Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 While your and his communication dynamic could improve and he could definitely be more supportive to go along with his challenges (advice), one potential to consider is that, if he didn't care, he'd offer nothing; dead air. Perhaps his care is being communicated improperly. That can be worked on. Given both your ages, expect and accept imperfection. Focus on the underlying care and love. If that isn't enough, move on. Lots to live and learn Thanks carhill, you always give good advice. I know he doesn't necessarily mean to condescending, but even when I tell him that our situations are different and not really comparable, he still tries to say, "Well I've always done this!" or, "My parents always told me to do this..." or something of that nature. It's definitely an issue that we've encountered before, but apparently he forgets what I say... It hurts my feelings to think that he can't be proud of me, but instead of always thinking I could have done something different to make it just that much better. Perhaps I'm blowing it out of proportion but damn, he did not handle that situation very well.
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 'I think you have good experience and advice to offer. Can you think of different ways to offer it which don't hurt me so much?'
Author lemonlegs Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 'I think you have good experience and advice to offer. Can you think of different ways to offer it which don't hurt me so much?' I said something similar to that. After our phone conversation that ended on a sour note, I texted him saying, Me: Thanks ____, I'm glad you're supportive of the things I decide to do. Him: Obviously I am. I just want you to think about all your options instead you jump down my throat yet again. Don't worry, I won't give my opinions any more. I'll text you later. Love you. Me: I'm not jumping down your throat, it kind of hurt my feelings when you make it out to seem like I always make the wrong decision. Not mentioning this was AFTER I told you I had a bad day. Him: Sorry ______, it won't happen again. *** He always backs down. Part of me thinks he does it to avoid confrontation or any further argument. Me: You don't have to apologize, that's not what I'm asking for. I just wish you'd consider that before you tell me that I didn't do smething right, that's why I get defensive. And just so you know, I value your opinion, just not when you try to tell me that I'm wrong. Anyway, I love you too. Have a good night. Him: I'll work on my delivery of my thoughts. Love you too, etc, etc. So, at least we made progress. I hope he meant it though. 'Cause I do recall us having a similar argument a while back. Sigh...
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Suggestion: Have relationship 'talks' face-to-face. If a 'situation' comes up on the phone or via electrons, request that it be tabled without prejudice until you can face each other. 'This is important to me. I'd like to talk with you in person about it. Is that OK?' Note three things: 1. You recognize the value of the issue and your relationship 2. You assert your preference, and wish it to be 'with' him. Note how I worded it. 3. You request his cooperation This was one of our key areas of work in MC. One, talking face to face, *with* each other, about important relationship issues. Two, checking with each other. My exW said I 'wore her out' with talking, so her work was to ask for a break when she felt overwhelmed and my work was to accept that break with the understanding that she would re-engage later when she felt rested. The common denominators are respect and cooperation. Working the issue as a couple. Good luck
dispatch3d Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I said something similar to that. After our phone conversation that ended on a sour note, I texted him saying, Me: Thanks ____, I'm glad you're supportive of the things I decide to do. Him: Obviously I am. I just want you to think about all your options instead you jump down my throat yet again. Don't worry, I won't give my opinions any more. I'll text you later. Love you. Me: I'm not jumping down your throat, it kind of hurt my feelings when you make it out to seem like I always make the wrong decision. Not mentioning this was AFTER I told you I had a bad day. Him: Sorry ______, it won't happen again. *** He always backs down. Part of me thinks he does it to avoid confrontation or any further argument. Me: You don't have to apologize, that's not what I'm asking for. I just wish you'd consider that before you tell me that I didn't do smething right, that's why I get defensive. And just so you know, I value your opinion, just not when you try to tell me that I'm wrong. Anyway, I love you too. Have a good night. Him: I'll work on my delivery of my thoughts. Love you too, etc, etc. So, at least we made progress. I hope he meant it though. 'Cause I do recall us having a similar argument a while back. Sigh... you can both have differing views on something. It really shouldn't matter. He can't think you were wrong to turn down x job, and you can think it was the right choice. He's not going to agree with everything you do, that would be a lot to ask for. "Me: I'm not jumping down your throat, it kind of hurt my feelings when you make it out to seem like I always make the wrong decision. Not mentioning this was AFTER I told you I had a bad day." There are no rights and wrongs in life. Don't talk as if you are in the right for saying/doing x and he is in the wrong. There's just different perspectives. Furthermore, self-confirming bias says that you'll always assume you are right (ie. people tend to think they are correct even when wrong). Anyhow, food for thought. Good luck!
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