When will the pain go away???

[zee75]

My EA partner of a year and a half and I ended things yesterday (he initiated the conversation and I agreed). Neither of us could live with the guilt anymore, and the road we were headed down was very treacherous. I just don't know how to deal with these feelings right now. I feel guilty for betraying my husband's trust, ashamed for becoming the OW in another person's relationship, and all the while I can't stop thinking about my EA partner. The feelings for him felt and still feel SO real. He wants to still be "friends", but how is that possible and even ok?? He lives 4 hours away so we won't run into each other.

 

What do I do?? Should I confess to my husband?? My EA was a mutual college friend of ours, and my first boyfriend. I even lost my virginity to him. We broke up over 13 years ago over a very stupid misunderstanding.

 

I am suffering SO much, and I am so angry at myself for getting myself into a situation like this. I know that the EA filled a void due to what I perceived as my husbands lack of attention and it was intoxicating to have someone who broke up with you years and years ago show interest and tell you that he still loves you.

 

I feel like a horrible and very confused person. I don't even know what feelings are real anymore.... Is there peace and clarity after something like this????

Edited April 15, 2011 by zee75

[SheilaK]

I am in day 13 of a very, very similiar situation. I find it very, very hard not to reach out to my OM...we were also together many years ago when we young. I walked away then....and regret it. We are both married to fine people now, but reconnected online and things went too far.

 

I'm trying to go 60 days without reaching out - I've never done that before in the last two years since we reconnected. I'm hopeful that I feel better by that time and right now am just trying to let myself grieve...but I can't tell anyone.

 

It is very, very hard.

[whichwayisup]

Ending it was the right thing to do. And no, you cannot be friends..

 

Atleast you don't have to see him or worry about running into him. Do no contact.

 

My suggestion is, seek some counselling to help you work through this, and also go to marriage counselling. Work and fix you so this doesn't happen again. Something is broken inside of you that you felt the need to let yourself get close to your ex..

 

You should tell your husband, he deserves to know the truth so he can decide if he wants to work with you, save the marriage, or walk away so he can find someone who won't cheat and betray him. If you don't tell him, you have to live with the guilt and live in fear that one day your H may find out the truth on his own (MM's wife might find out and tell your H) and also, you'll be fixing your marriage ontop of a lie, a betrayal for over a year and half. Its a good thing that guy is far away from you otherwise your EA more than likely would have turned into a physical one as well.

 

Hopefully you and your husband can work through this, find that love and intimacy again.

[SheilaK]

In my situation there is NO question that I will NEVER hurt my H by sharing my EA with him. Should something happen in the future that reveals it, I'll deal with that situation as it happens. However, hurting my H with disclosure will only extend the pain I'm feeling right now with the ending of this EA.

 

I am still very much in denial mode...if my OM contacted me, I know that I would fall right back into the EA. Again, I'm only on day 13, but taking each day at time. I downloaded an app for my iPhone called "Years" that is allowing me to keep track of the days that are passing...it's a very visual reminder that I have a long way to go to reach my goal of NC to May 28, but seeing all those blue x's on the screen help me to WANT to place another one at the end the day. Again, I'm hopeful that at the end of the 60 days, the pain will be much less. Truthfully, I'm not hurting as much as the first days already...but it can still take my breath away at times....

 

This website also helped me to understand how long this process may take: The Four Stages of Grief.

 

I have been struggling with disenfranchised grief because I can't share this break up with anyone. I'm glad to have found this forum. It's helping me to see that my situation isn't as profound and special as I made it out to be in head.

 

And he's not reaching out to me..with all the reading I've been doing here, it seems that men recover from these types of situations much more smoothly than women. It hurts....alot....

[Flabbergaster]

DO NOT CONFESS to your husband.

Not now, at least. Oh no no no no no.

IF people were rational, then confessing would be great. HOWEVER people are not rational.

Psychologists say if you confess, there is a very high chance the marriage is over right then. Why? Because men are territorial. Nothing to do with you or love, it's about 'women are propety' mentality of men as a result of evolution. Someone else pissed on his property, so he won't want it anymore.

 

Get recovered, a bit. THEN you can decide about confessing.

Some here will tell you that you MUST confess an A or the world will end. There are some valid points to the "you must confess" argument. If you're going to confess...my advice would be to wait a month or two to even THINK about whether you should confess. At that point...if you can't deal with the guilt...then talk to a therapist about how to confess. Don't risk losing BOTH men at the same time; that would be too much to bear.

 

Forget about being friends, at least for next year (or decade?). The only reason AP's want to be friends after is to have the chance to restart the A. It's possible to be friends after...it is VERY VERY rare.

It's ok to let him think that it's gonna happen...after an undetermined period of NC.

 

Go NC now, right now. It will hurt...but less than LC. Tell him you will contact him when you're ready to be friends, since men (GENERALLY) recover faster. hint: you're not gonna contact him, at least not this decade.

 

Peace and clarity? yes. after you get past the grief, and then let go of him and move on. Therapist will often help with this. So will reading LS.

 

Listen to Sheila, start setting goals for days.

[Silly_Girl]

Great post Flabber!!!

[zee75]

Thank you for the responses. It is helpful to be able to confess this--I have felt so alone with all these conflicting feelings for so long.

 

I can understand the value of telling your H everything, but I also agree that this ISN'T the time for that. Maybe with some time and distance, but a confession right now would destroy everything that I am trying to rebuild and I can't handle that right now. I need to get some distance, clarity, and perspective first.

 

SheilaK: It sounds like we are in this together. I am going to download that app and start marking off the days. I cried all day yesterday, but I feel a little better this morning. I know that the grief is going to come in waves and hopefully I will be able to ride them out.

 

whichwayisup: I agree, this would have turned into a full-blown physical affair if we lived closer--in fact we talked about that fact and that was one of the reasons for ending it when we did. You are right that I should probably seek counseling to work on myself and my issues.

 

Flabber: Thank you--everything you said made a lot of sense to me. LC is what I am worried about honestly. When we ended it he said that he would "email me" and I am almost hoping he doesn't right now. I don't know how I would handle it. The worst part is that I know that he is going to recover from this faster than I will and that makes me feel so weak.

 

It is a weird thing--how can I feel such love (or what I thought was love) for another person and then love my husband as well?? I sometimes wonder what "love" really is and what is real and what isn't?? All I know is that I don't want to cause anymore hurt for anybody (even if they don't know what is going on) and that is the only comfort I have right now....

[bentnotbroken]

Yup, keeping the lies to yourself so your husband has no say in his life....brilliant and compassionate at the same time.

[Ms.YummyM]

Yup, keeping the lies to yourself so your husband has no say in his life....brilliant and compassionate at the same time.

 

Of course. Its not about the husband though its ALL about her...poor her and her affair!

[so-wrong]

Thank you for the responses. It is helpful to be able to confess this--I have felt so alone with all these conflicting feelings for so long.

 

I can understand the value of telling your H everything, but I also agree that this ISN'T the time for that. Maybe with some time and distance, but a confession right now would destroy everything that I am trying to rebuild and I can't handle that right now. I need to get some distance, clarity, and perspective first.

 

SheilaK: It sounds like we are in this together. I am going to download that app and start marking off the days. I cried all day yesterday, but I feel a little better this morning. I know that the grief is going to come in waves and hopefully I will be able to ride them out.

 

whichwayisup: I agree, this would have turned into a full-blown physical affair if we lived closer--in fact we talked about that fact and that was one of the reasons for ending it when we did. You are right that I should probably seek counseling to work on myself and my issues.

 

Flabber: Thank you--everything you said made a lot of sense to me. LC is what I am worried about honestly. When we ended it he said that he would "email me" and I am almost hoping he doesn't right now. I don't know how I would handle it. The worst part is that I know that he is going to recover from this faster than I will and that makes me feel so weak.

 

It is a weird thing--how can I feel such love (or what I thought was love) for another person and then love my husband as well?? I sometimes wonder what "love" really is and what is real and what isn't?? All I know is that I don't want to cause anymore hurt for anybody (even if they don't know what is going on) and that is the only comfort I have right now....

 

For me the love I felt for MM was all encompassing, obsessional love, an infatuation I guess. I painted him as my Mr Perfect & he was happy to be that person. The love for my BH is real life, everyday love where he doesn't have to pretend to be something he isn't.

[zee75]

I take full responsibility for my actions and the deception of my H. That is why the EA is ending. The affair bubble has broken and now I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I think I am just starting to realize what those are. I am planning on confessing the EA--I just haven't figured out how and when to do it yet.

 

I never in a million years thought I would be in this place. We both got carried away because of a shared past and the rekindling of very old emotional ties.

 

If life and emotions were so simple and black and white forums like these wouldn't exist....

[bentnotbroken]

I take full responsibility for my actions and the deception of my H. That is why the EA is ending. The affair bubble has broken and now I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I think I am just starting to realize what those are. I am planning on confessing the EA--I just haven't figured out how and when to do it yet.

 

I never in a million years thought I would be in this place. We both got carried away because of a shared past and the rekindling of very old emotional ties.

 

If life and emotions were so simple and black and white forums like these wouldn't exist....

 

 

Life is as black and white as you make it. These forums exist because there are people who wish to ignore boundaries or don't have them in the first place. We are the one's who muddy the waters with our choices and the inability to think through our actions to the other side. Unfortunately is a by product of us being humans. *shrug*

[SheilaK]

zee75, you have NO IDEA how much it is helping me to realize that even though this situation was very unique in my experience - I am NOT looking to have affairs, I'm not seeking out old boyfriends online - it's not a unique situation overall and others have come out on the other end. Forums like this exist to help folks process events in their lives.

 

Again, I cannot envision at situation where I will EVER confess this to my H. A "Discovery Day" (D-day) would be the only way this will hurt my husband. And I intend to do EVERYTHING in power to make sure there never is a D-day.

 

Throughout my EA, there was never, never, never a question that either my AP or I would leave our families for each other. We are both relatively happily married, successful professionals in our mid-40's with preteen-young teenage children. We still have a great deal in common after all these years, and both work extensively on the computer throughout the day which lead us to spend time together online. We live 3,000 miles apart from each other. There is no chance we will ever "bump" into each other nor socialize in the same circles.

 

Honestly, I'm cannot write that I'm okay with the ending of my EA. As I wrote before, if my AP contacted me, I would continue.

 

zee75, I love both my husband and my AP. I do think it's possible to love both. For a long term relationship to work, BOTH parties have to be willing to see through the rough patches. I read a post here that talked about the fact that affairs DON'T have that level of commitment. In my case, I was willing to try. My AP was not. He did not want to live the "double relationship" any longer. I can't force it to happen.

 

Looking at my Years App screen, if that 60-day guideline-to-feeling-better has any truth to it, my AP has a 24 day head start on me....it's been 42 days since I've heard from him. It's only been 17 days (I counted wrong yesterday) since I last reached out him. My heart is just broken that he's not reached back out in so long. As each day passes, though, he's getting more over me and I'm getting more over him. I HATE that. I don't want to be over him. It breaks my heart that he's getting over me.

 

But a long term relationship doesn't work if one partner doesn't want it. He doesn't want it. Hasn't wanted it for awhile, if I'm honest. I chased...I pursued....he always let me back in - but it wasn't the same as when he DID want the relationship. I need to leave the poor man alone now. Especially if I claim to love him. Love isn't about chasing and overpowering.

 

zee75, if your AP was the one to initiate the break....respect it. I KNOW how hard it is....I'm sorry that you are going through this pain too. I don't believe that life is black and white. I know mine's not.

[BB07]

SheliaK........why are you putting live links in your posts??

 

Don't you know it's against the TOS?

 

Me thinks a very sneaky spammer.

[SheilaK]

Oh, no...I didn't read it was against the rules...sorry! It is an option available in the posting tools so I used it. No spam by me.

[TurboGirl]

OP,

Please don't tell H... sharing YOUR pain and making it his pain will double the grief that you are feeling. Unless you want to end your M!

 

If your EA was still going on would you tell your H? I think not.

 

You are one day out. Ouch. Like, BIG Ouch.

 

Understand the pain... it is going to take some time for you to get through this. Please go NC with this guy... concentrate on positive good things in your life, your family, kids, job, etc. Hang tight and as the days go by you will get some distance and with distance comes perspective. Will take some time for you to heal. In the meantime, act as if you are ok... and sometimes when you act like you feel ok, you start to feel ok. At least a bit better than at this moment.

[SheilaK]

Hmmm...I can't edit them out...again, my apologies...I won't do it again.

[zee75]

SheilaK & Turbogirl, thank you for your words of support. I absolutely did not go looking to rekindle anything with an old flame and never in a million years thought that it would ever happen. There were and are things missing in both of our marriages, as well as unresolved feelings for each other related to the past, and that led us to where we today. I am not proud of it, but it is the truth.

 

I keep going back and forth between wanting to tell my H and thinking I shouldn't--if only to spare him the pain of it Is it selfish to tell the BS or to not tell them?? I don't know how to answer that yet....

[SheilaK]

zee75, I know that everyone's particular situation is different. You may need to tell your H eventually. Your relationship may be able to overcome it, and even be stronger.

 

In my situation, I don't need to tell my H. I believe it will cause more hurt - I DO believe my marriage could overcome it after A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN for my H. I don't see the necessity of that. I never intended to leave my husband. My AP never intended to leave his wife. We were both very clear and on the same page about that.

[TurboGirl]

SheilaK & Turbogirl, thank you for your words of support. I absolutely did not go looking to rekindle anything with an old flame and never in a million years thought that it would ever happen. There were and are things missing in both of our marriages, as well as unresolved feelings for each other related to the past, and that led us to where we today. I am not proud of it, but it is the truth.

 

I keep going back and forth between wanting to tell my H and thinking I shouldn't--if only to spare him the pain of it Is it selfish to tell the BS or to not tell them?? I don't know how to answer that yet....

 

 

Why do you want to tell your husband? Do you feel guilty? Feel like you want to "confess" and get it off your mind? It would really hurt him, and then the guilt would be HUGE! Think you are upset now...? Start telling everyone and the fallout will increase. Please go & confess to your priest or a therapist, etc. Especially if you plan to stay married. You are all emotional right now and not thinking clearly.

 

Why on earth would you want to even speak to the BS? That totally baffles me. I was an OW, and I would NEVER EVER have considered telling the BS. That is his busines, his family, his life. You open up an entire can of worms by telling the BS... ruining his life, his kids, extended family, on & on... and you can bet on it, your H would then find out for sure. What is your motive? Do you want the BS to hurt like you are hurting? Are you trying to hurt your xMM?

 

Many will disagree with me, but I feel that it is NO ONE's business, except for you and your xMM.

[bentnotbroken]

Of course your BS's life is no body's business, not even his business. That's some shiggidy. BS don't have the right to know what is happening in their lives under the guise of protection:rolleyes: how much more in control does one person have to have over another to call it lub?

[BB07]

Oh, no...I didn't read it was against the rules...sorry! It is an option available in the posting tools so I used it. No spam by me.

 

 

A lot of people reference other articles and such and that doesn't seem to be frowned upon but you referenced a product with live links which looked suspicious. Sorry if I was wrong.

[zee75]

At this point I would not tell the MM's BS. That is up to him and if he tells her and there is fall-out from that for me than I will deal with it.

 

I don't know if I will tell my H yet or not. I could see us being able to get beyond this, and maybe even be stronger for it, especially since no actual sex occurred between MM and I, but I betrayed his trust by getting emotionally involved with someon else and that is bad enough. I don't know if I am even thinking clearly at this point anyway....

[BB07]

SheilaK & Turbogirl, thank you for your words of support. I absolutely did not go looking to rekindle anything with an old flame and never in a million years thought that it would ever happen. There were and are things missing in both of our marriages, as well as unresolved feelings for each other related to the past, and that led us to where we today. I am not proud of it, but it is the truth.

 

I keep going back and forth between wanting to tell my H and thinking I shouldn't--if only to spare him the pain of it Is it selfish to tell the BS or to not tell them?? I don't know how to answer that yet....

 

 

Well maybe you didn't go looking for it, but you didn't stop it once it started and come on.....it didn't happen all in one hour. There were steps you took that got you to the place that became a full fledged EA.

 

It's nothing personal SK.......but we all need to own our actions that got is into these places. It doesn't just happen.

[Heart On]

I don't know if I will tell my H yet or not. I could see us being able to get beyond this, and maybe even be stronger for it, especially since no actual sex occurred between MM and I, but I betrayed his trust by getting emotionally involved with someon else and that is bad enough. I don't know if I am even thinking clearly at this point anyway....

 

 

And EA is alot different than a PA and really not much different than

a close friendship.What's to feel guilty about?

 

So you flirted with the man,but didn't act on his advances.Big deal.

 

At this point I would not tell the MM's BS. That is up to him and if he tells her and there is fall-out from that for me than I will deal with it.

 

So neither of you are allowed friends of the opposite sex then?

 

I don't know if I will tell my H yet or not. I could see us being able to get beyond this, and maybe even be stronger for it, especially since no actual sex occurred between MM and I, but I betrayed his trust by getting emotionally involved with someon else and that is bad enough. I don't know if I am even thinking clearly at this point anyway...

 

Tell him and her what? That you are friends? What's the problem here?

Emotionally involved? How? Did you tell him you loved him or something?

I must be missing something here.

 

I felt exactly the same way you did and actually did up until a few days ago. I really felt like I loved two men, and maybe I did, but I know I was deluded thinking that I could somehow maintain both relationships. The guilt and shame was slowly eating away at me and just now am I finally seeing what really occurred and how serious a mistake that thinking really was.

 

 

So this is what I missed.I just ran across this and see why you feel guilty.

 

I wasn't in love with my H anymore and that's what made it so easy for the xMM to win me over.I outted myself long before it became sexual and separated from my marriage.I saw no point in denying my feelings let alone lying to my H.He had a right to know I didn't love him anymore.

 

The xMM felt the exact opposite.

He saw what happened to me for being

honest in my marriage and figured,

I wasn't worth it.

 

Ironically,it was the xMM that wasn't worth it!

Edited April 15, 2011 by Heart On