datura_noir Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I know that finding ones self is a good thing, I get that. And I know in order for a marriage (or a relationship borne of an affair) to thrive there must be therapy. But at what point do you determine that therapy has worked? If someone backslides and decides that they have had enough, what is your stance?
What_Next Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Actually I don't necessarily believe that therapy is a given or even a requirement after an affair. It depends on the particular situation. In our case for example MC did little to nothing to help us along the way. In some ways our sessions after D-day made things worse. I also think that if EITHER party decides MC isn't working then they should voice their concerns. Therapy isn't the be all and end all.
Snowflower Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 DN, it's good to see you again on LS! I have mixed feelings about therapy. Mostly, I think it is beneficial as long as you (general you) find a good therapist, especially after infidelity. Therapy really helped my H and I for about the first 6 months of our reconciliation. After that though, I got the definite sense that "I should just move on already." Cripes! It had only been 6 months! So to answer your question about how do you know when enough therapy is enough? After a particularly rough session at the 6 month mark, my H and I decided to call it quits on therapy. It seemed like it was almost making us move backwards after those last few sessions and he and I did a lot better just talking about things on our own. Really, that is all therapy is supposed to do...open the lines of communication and we had done that. But all in all, a good MC can really help, as long as you can find a good one. Besides, LS was more helpful to me than therapy!
ComputerJock Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 After the woman I loved went back to drugs and prostitution, and abandoned her kids, and my daughter found out I was not her biological father and didn't want to have anything to do with me I attempted suicide, and failed. LIke most of my life I failed. I then started individual counseling and she has helped my climb out of that black pit of dispair and I am hopeful that I can soon see sunshine. I think therapy can work if it is directly related to you individual problems and the therapist is able to guide you in the right direction. Yes, therapy doesn't have to be something you do for the rest of your life, but it does give you tools to fight depression and make you stronger to face life. IMHO.
confusedinkansas Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I don't think therapy is a MUST in any relationship. It's for some people & it's not for others. Didn't help us - First, because the therapist (our fault) didn't specialize in what our issues were at the time. 2nd neither one of us were in a place to accept any little help she offered. We basically both just pulled our proverbial heads out of our @sses & made a together decision to have a good & thriving marriage.
Owl Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 My wife and I attended marriage counseling for about 10 months post d-day. We decided jointly that we were done with it when we realized that we were hashing through all the issues and things BEFORE we were going in for sessions. We didn't need him to help us communicate or facilitate...we'd learned to do it ourselves. So we informed our MC that we felt we were done, and we appreciated all that he'd done for us. MY one point in ending it was that we both agreed that if EITHER of us ever felt that we needed to resume...we would resume.
OWoman Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I know that finding ones self is a good thing, I get that. And I know in order for a marriage (or a relationship borne of an affair) to thrive there must be therapy. But at what point do you determine that therapy has worked? If someone backslides and decides that they have had enough, what is your stance? I would say it has worked when the "old" patterns no longer feel comfortable, and when new ways of thinking and behaving become so normalised one no longer has to invoke them consciously. If someone backslides, they clearly haven't reached that point...
Audacia Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 It's only been 10 months since my D-day so not sure how credible my advice is. But I'm gonna give it anyways I love my MC. My H liked him even when he was positive he wasn't going too. He was easy to talk to and told us about the A he had and how he and his W made it through it (I believe this helped H feel more comfortable talking to him). It was helpful for me to have someone who didn't know either of us. Everyone we were close to is/was biased in some way. And I am a very private person and didn't want my friends and family to know all the details. It also helped to have a person who wanted and believed my marriage could survive. We only had 6 sessions but he does check in with us. It's a tool, not a cure. It wont fix your marriage but if you and your S take advantage of this tool, it can help you begin the process of repairing it.
Spark1111 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I actually believe we benefited most from IC and were not so lucky in the choice of MC, the two times we tried. It was hard to find a good MC, and by virtue of a degree, they are all alowed to attempt MC, but I felt at the point we went we had learned more on our own than the MC could teach us. The first time, I wasn't ready. It was too soon and I was unsure if I wanted to forgive and stay married. It seemed like it was making it worse. When my H grew defensive or angry, I walked out. Maybe HE wasn't ready to examine aspects of himself. We took a break, and the second time the MC was oh-so-biased towards my H, which I understood, but did not feel it was productive. He also made a few comments that I felt demonstrated he was not happily married, if at all! I started to respect him a whole lot less. I would like an MC who is passionately partnered after 30 years, or one who has survived infidelity themselves. Hard to find, I guess. We have decided that if we ever need it again, we will resume. Hopefully with someone decent.
Audacia Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I would like an MC who is passionately partnered after 30 years, or one who has survived infidelity themselves. I believe this characteristic of my MC was the reason it worked so well for us. It helped my H to understand what I was going through and what he would be going through. And what to expect as far as the repurcussions went. He told us about how his XOW called after 10 years and even though he didn't think it was important since he told her he wanted NC, he told his wife. He did this knowing it would upset her but he knew she needed to know. And even after 10 years all those feelings came flooding back to his wife. He explained how the BS will always have a scar and sometimes the wound will just open. He also explained that my H killed the marriage we had and it would be a whole new one and it would take a ton of work and if he wasn't willing to fix what he had broken then he needed to go. He wasn't mean about it but very stern.
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