abester Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 My wife left me in late Jan. At 57 I'm 11 years older and we've been together 12 Years, during those years my libido went from high to it's present state of much lower. We also have had tremendous financial stress, so for the past year our marriage went into the doldrums. I felt at a loss for what to do, I tried pleasing her however I could and also was trying numerous products for male sexuality and was doing a little better at meeting her needs. Her leaving was not a mutual decision, I was told. I've been devastated, we've had some cooling off and had some communication, she told me she loved me but it wasn't the same. I decided to work on myself and do what I could to win her back. Two weeks ago when pressing her for a why, she said I have too many problems, I'm weak and that she needs a strong man,she still hopes we can one day be friends. She then unfriended me on Facebook and would respond to nothing from me. Last night I remembered she left her old cell phone with me, I plugged it in and found old messages from December between she and a lover. Crushed once again, I texted her and told her of my discovery and hurt but was still willing to do counceling or anything because I love her so much. I finally got a reply and she said she wasn't going to discuss it with me and to quit texting her or she would block me. She said get over it it's over, done. Her last words were "you only have yourself to blame for the split" She's never been that cold with me, inspite of our problems the love we had always felt so deep. Is she expressing anger that she was caught, or is she just being bluntly honest? I'm so hurt
EyesWideOpen Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 My wife left me in late Jan. At 57 I'm 11 years older and we've been together 12 Years, during those years my libido went from high to it's present state of much lower. We also have had tremendous financial stress, so for the past year our marriage went into the doldrums. I felt at a loss for what to do, I tried pleasing her however I could and also was trying numerous products for male sexuality and was doing a little better at meeting her needs. Her leaving was not a mutual decision, I was told. I've been devastated, we've had some cooling off and had some communication, she told me she loved me but it wasn't the same. I decided to work on myself and do what I could to win her back. Two weeks ago when pressing her for a why, she said I have too many problems, I'm weak and that she needs a strong man,she still hopes we can one day be friends. She then unfriended me on Facebook and would respond to nothing from me. Last night I remembered she left her old cell phone with me, I plugged it in and found old messages from December between she and a lover. Crushed once again, I texted her and told her of my discovery and hurt but was still willing to do counceling or anything because I love her so much. I finally got a reply and she said she wasn't going to discuss it with me and to quit texting her or she would block me. She said get over it it's over, done. Her last words were "you only have yourself to blame for the split" She's never been that cold with me, inspite of our problems the love we had always felt so deep. Is she expressing anger that she was caught, or is she just being bluntly honest? I'm so hurt My guess would be that it is most likely the latter. She got caught in an affair, and is projecting it onto you.
willowthewisp Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Hello and welcome to LS, although very sorry for why you have to be here. I've been here a while now and it seems that the cheaters all follow the same pattern, the same script. Your wife is trying to justify her cheating to herself by blaming you. She has to justify it because deep down she knows cheating is wrong, breaking her wedding vows, betraying you is wrong. Telling you "you only have yourself to blame for the split" and that you are weak and have to many problems. The facts are this 1. She call it a split, because its easier to classify it as that, then as what it really is, adultery and divorce. 2. She blames you because it is easier than looking at herself (but then would you expect anything else from an adulteress?) 3. She has come up with other "reasons" to justify her behaviour 4. Cheating is never acceptable, or justifiable, if she wanted out then she should have discussed that with you, tried to fix things and if not left. NOT cheated on you, that is on her and ONLY her. 5. You were trying to work on the sexual difficulties you were having, what more could you have done and what more could she expect of you? NOTHING. She is a "fair weather" person. What I mean is, her wedding vows meant nothing to her except getting her needs and wants met. During a marriage, people change, circumstances change, people get sick, there are all kinds of problems. Committment is not saying you will be with someone or simply being with them, it is saying you will stay with someone and work with them come what may. Good and bad. It's right their in the wedding vows. Some people get married for the wrong reasons, because they are inherently selfish people. They marry and expect everything to go their way, all their needs and wants and desires to be met ALL the time and the second things get tough (as they always will) they either bail or cheat and then bail. You had problems for one year, but you were married for how many years? So as soon as things got a bit tough, as soon as her WANTS weren't being met to the full extent she wanted them met, even though you were working as hard as you could to meet them, she cheated. Right now you are hurting, understandably, and you will for some time yet, but in time you will see this women is not deserving of your love. The best thing to do now is to go completely NC (no contact) with her, if you speak to her she will just continue to be cold towards you. Effectively what she is doing is projecting (Projection a Freudian term if you want to read up on it), instead of looking at herself and what it is about her that makes her feel angry (cheating because she knows it's wrong) she projects those feelings of self anger onto you. It's her minds way of protecting herself from the anger that SHOULD be directed at her. At the end of the day it is so much easier for her to blame you. You didn't deserve this and you didn't cause this.
Lil1 Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Abester I feel so sad for you. I'm sorry that you have to experience this kind of pain. I have never been married myself and can only imagine how utterly destroyed I would feel by going through something like this. My heart goes out to you big time! Please dont let this woman destroy your sense of self worth. You deserve much more, and you deserve to be happy. If you are putting her on a pedestal please bring her down, she is demonstrating her true nature to you and rejecting you in the meanest way possible. Calling you 'weak'? Telling you to 'get over it'? She is showing you her true nature and it doesn't sound like she is a very compassionate or caring person! Please Abester, take time to heal yourself. Don't let her put you down, don't reach out to her, do your best to block her from your thoughts! I know you may feel defeated and like you may never find someone else, but believe me you will! You will love again, and you will be happy again if you take proactive steps to make it happen! Take the best of those 12 years you shared with her and don't ever look back! Now it's time to focus on YOU
worlybear Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 She's blaming you as she can't/won't accept the impact her cheating has had on your relationship. It's far easier to be angry and blame the innocent party, to do otherwise forces her to face the unpleasantness of her own shortcomings. Ex partners sometimes behave very strangely when caught and project all their venom and embarrassment at being discovered red-handed, on the betrayed spouse, rather than acknowledge their own shortcomings. It does hurt but it's not your fault. Stay strong. :bunny:
EyesWideOpen Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 My guess would be that it is most likely the latter. She got caught in an affair, and is projecting it onto you. OH MY GOSH. I meant to say the former and got switched up. Big time oops! Just to clarify so there's no confusion. Listen to the other posters, I'm obviously not all here right now.
Author abester Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Thank you all. This has all come to light for me today and fortunately I was off work today and tomorrow. Today has been one of numbness, trying to face the reality of what I wish I had known in January. With all that has occurred I still feel so in love, since the split I've tried to be understanding of her "pain". I never followed the rule of "no contact" I just couldn't, now I feel like such a fool for expressing all I feel to someone that might not even care.I also have have gotten angry hardly at all. Finding some ray of hope for my future is necessary now and I don't know where to look. I know rebound dating is bad, but a significant other has always been very important. At this moment 57 feels so old, and I'm so horribly lonely with nothing but a heart that has been broken, crumpled and tossed.
fltc Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Being 57 doesn't mean your life is over, accept that your marriage is over and go on with your life. Try to get into social situations, you'll find there are plenty of good women out there who will appreciate you!
willowthewisp Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 You're right, as tempting as a rebound relationship is, they very often end in hurt. Doing things to help occupy your mind and raise your self esteem might help, maybe volunterring, a night class, a meet up group etc? All these things will get you out and socialising as well as build your self esteem back up. Also, if you are in the US there are divorce care classes avaliable I beleive, can anyone offer any further info on these? Keep posting here as well!
trippi1432 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Depending on where you are located...you can try http://www.divorcecare.org/ and find a group near you. You don't have to be a member of a church to attend, it is held separately from the church. There are also meetup groups where you can find people who share similar interests at http://www.meetup.com. Based on your previous post about rebound dating...I do want to offer some advice. There are just as many women in your age group looking for good men, and while it is wise to boost your self-esteem, you start by doing that by working on yourself first....women later. Jumping off the cliff head-first into shark infested waters is not the answer to building your self esteem.
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