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8 day countdown to having sex for the first time in 8 months -teeny bit scared

makelemonade1974

By makelemonade1974
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makelemonade1974 Established Member

makelemonade1974

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New guy - have known him since November but we've been dating very casually. We are not exclusive, although we've agreed to be sexually exclusive at some point. Thing is - I want more of a friends w/ benefits scenario than a boyfriend. I just got out of a messy breakup 8 months ago and am totally still in love with my ex. There is, however, no way in hell I would ever go back to him. New guy knows all this.

 

So we are spending the weekend together next weekend. Which means - clothes off fun fun. He's rather huge - in a good way - looks like Brett Favre, shoulders and all, but not the steroid type or anything. I'm a little terrified. I plan on getting super drunk beforehand, so that may help. My biggest fears are:

 

1) Will take his clothes off and something will totally gross me out.

 

2) Tiny little itty bitty you know what. (you never can tell)

 

3) He will come in like 5 seconds and not be able to go again (he's early 40's, do guys lose their uh stamina at that point?)

 

4) I have some scars from surgery that I'm a little embarrassed about - nothing terrible, but enough for him to ask questions about, which I'm afraid will ruin the mood. Otherwise I'm pretty confident with my body, etc.

 

I guess I just have too many expectations. It's been 7 1/2 - 8 months since I had sex and the last time was with my "love of my life but secretly sociopathic" ex-boyfriend. This will be a whole new experience.

 

Thoughts? Just expect it to be bad and the second time will be better? Advice?

Nexus One Established Member

Nexus One

Posted
Posted (edited)
1) Will take his clothes off and something will totally gross me out.

 

Like what, an alien chestburster? :laugh:

http://bit.ly/h2l0gG

 

_

Edited by Nexus One
oaks Established Member

oaks

Posted
Posted

Not sure that getting super drunk beforehand is entirely a good idea, and I'm sure you haven't forgotten how it all works in only 8 months so it'll be fine.

mtber75 Established Member

mtber75

Posted
Posted

How do you know about the Stamina part? It seem that I last long as I age but that's just me:) Dime the lights and fantasy about being with your ex...in my case a porn star:)

Wolf18 Established Member

Wolf18

Posted
Posted
4) I have some scars from surgery that I'm a little embarrassed about - nothing terrible, but enough for him to ask questions about, which I'm afraid will ruin the mood. Otherwise I'm pretty confident with my body, etc.[/Quote]

 

Unless this guy is as shallow as you are, then I wouldn't be worried about it. Most guys dont care about a few scars on your belly, my last girl i was kind of seeing had a lot of them and I didnt mind at all.

HeartOnSleeve Established Member

HeartOnSleeve

Posted
Posted

I had the same experiance a few years ago and it was a good year before I had done anything with a man. My suggestion is if it's just a friends with benefits thing....have fun with it! You are not going to enjoy it if you are super drunk and worried about it the entire time.

 

Go with the flow and good luck! Have fun ;)

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makelemonade1974 Established Member

makelemonade1974

Posted
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Posted
Like what, an alien chestburster? :laugh:

http://bit.ly/h2l0gG

 

_

 

lmao - no, I'm thinking more like beer belly and back hair. I do like him for more than his looks though, so mr. wolf can quit calling me shallow.

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makelemonade1974 Established Member

makelemonade1974

Posted
  • Author
Posted
How do you know about the Stamina part? It seem that I last long as I age but that's just me:) Dime the lights and fantasy about being with your ex...in my case a porn star:)

 

 

You really last longer? You would think older men would really know what they are doing, and this guy is so good-looking that I'm sure he's had plenty of experience. I just thought that men's libido dropped after 40 - thus the viagra ads and all that.

 

I guess I'm just worried because I waited a long time to find the right guy - had trust issues, etc. after my ex, and this man is so sweet and considerate. He totally "gets" me. I want our first time to be good.

 

But we do have the whole weekend . . .

oaks Established Member

oaks

Posted
Posted
I just thought that men's libido dropped after 40 - thus the viagra ads and all that.

 

I know those ads play on men's insecurities, but it hadn't occurred to me that women would see those ads and end up assuming that older men can't get it on! :)

mogul Established Member

mogul

Posted
Posted
New guy - have known him since November but we've been dating very casually. We are not exclusive, although we've agreed to be sexually exclusive at some point. Thing is - I want more of a friends w/ benefits scenario than a boyfriend. I just got out of a messy breakup 8 months ago and am totally still in love with my ex. There is, however, no way in hell I would ever go back to him. New guy knows all this.

 

You made him wait 6 months with no sex for a fwb situation...? This guy either loves you, or is a complete tool with no other options.

hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

Posted
Posted
New guy - have known him since November but we've been dating very casually. We are not exclusive, although we've agreed to be sexually exclusive at some point. Thing is - I want more of a friends w/ benefits scenario than a boyfriend. I just got out of a messy breakup 8 months ago and am totally still in love with my ex. There is, however, no way in hell I would ever go back to him. New guy knows all this.

 

So we are spending the weekend together next weekend. Which means - clothes off fun fun. He's rather huge - in a good way - looks like Brett Favre, shoulders and all, but not the steroid type or anything. I'm a little terrified. I plan on getting super drunk beforehand, so that may help. My biggest fears are:

 

1) Will take his clothes off and something will totally gross me out.

 

2) Tiny little itty bitty you know what. (you never can tell)

 

3) He will come in like 5 seconds and not be able to go again (he's early 40's, do guys lose their uh stamina at that point?)

 

4) I have some scars from surgery that I'm a little embarrassed about - nothing terrible, but enough for him to ask questions about, which I'm afraid will ruin the mood. Otherwise I'm pretty confident with my body, etc.

 

I guess I just have too many expectations. It's been 7 1/2 - 8 months since I had sex and the last time was with my "love of my life but secretly sociopathic" ex-boyfriend. This will be a whole new experience.

 

Thoughts? Just expect it to be bad and the second time will be better? Advice?

 

I think the fact that you are contemplating getting drunk just to be able to have sex, should be your big wake up call to not do it. I did that once with an ex friend and boy do I regret that. I too was still having feelings for someone else, and I was not that attracted to him and had never done a fwb thing before, and I too had to get pretty intoxicated just to go through with that, and it was not even good sex drunk LOL.

 

No, but on a serious note if there is one thing that stands out as a major regret, it is that. If I have to use alchohol to stomach having sex, that should have been my first clue but instead I disrespected myself and went against myself and it hurt me for a long time, it still does hurt that I did that to myself. I thought if I did not have romantic feelings for him that I could not get hurt by my actions but acting so cheap hurt me a lot to know I did that.

 

You are vulnerable enough right now, think about that!

irc333 Established Member

irc333

Posted
Posted (edited)

Actually, I've been in this very similar situation before, ironically a red head, too. And she having a hard time getting over her previous ex, too, even though it ended 3 years ago. Situations seems to be virtually the same, except in the guy in this situation.

 

She wanted to be some kind of "cuddle / make-out buddy", I attempted it, but didn't go all the way sexually with her, because I don't like the idea of getting physical with a woman without considering her to be someone I'm dating as a prospective boyfriend, or even as a firm girlfriend for that matter.

 

I told her I felt, how empty a feeling or a feeling of unfullillment , and I didn't want to be any kind of emotional rebound for her. So I moved on to seek something more genuine.

 

It just didn't feel right to be doing it that way, without me calling her my girlfriend.

 

I think the flag was raised, when someone asked about "us" and she piped up, "Oh, we're not together." Even though were making out or "cuddling".

 

I was like "Okay, obviously she's not wanting anything serious."

 

 

New guy - have known him since November but we've been dating very casually. We are not exclusive, although we've agreed to be sexually exclusive at some point. Thing is - I want more of a friends w/ benefits scenario than a boyfriend. I just got out of a messy breakup 8 months ago and am totally still in love with my ex. There is, however, no way in hell I would ever go back to him. New guy knows all this.

 

So we are spending the weekend together next weekend. Which means - clothes off fun fun. He's rather huge - in a good way - looks like Brett Favre, shoulders and all, but not the steroid type or anything. I'm a little terrified. I plan on getting super drunk beforehand, so that may help. My biggest fears are:

 

1) Will take his clothes off and something will totally gross me out.

 

2) Tiny little itty bitty you know what. (you never can tell)

 

3) He will come in like 5 seconds and not be able to go again (he's early 40's, do guys lose their uh stamina at that point?)

 

4) I have some scars from surgery that I'm a little embarrassed about - nothing terrible, but enough for him to ask questions about, which I'm afraid will ruin the mood. Otherwise I'm pretty confident with my body, etc.

 

I guess I just have too many expectations. It's been 7 1/2 - 8 months since I had sex and the last time was with my "love of my life but secretly sociopathic" ex-boyfriend. This will be a whole new experience.

 

Thoughts? Just expect it to be bad and the second time will be better? Advice?

Edited by irc333
SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted
New guy - have known him since November but we've been dating very casually. We are not exclusive, although we've agreed to be sexually exclusive at some point. Thing is - I want more of a friends w/ benefits scenario than a boyfriend. I just got out of a messy breakup 8 months ago and am totally still in love with my ex. There is, however, no way in hell I would ever go back to him. New guy knows all this.

 

So we are spending the weekend together next weekend. Which means - clothes off fun fun. He's rather huge - in a good way - looks like Brett Favre, shoulders and all, but not the steroid type or anything. I'm a little terrified. I plan on getting super drunk beforehand, so that may help. My biggest fears are:

 

1) Will take his clothes off and something will totally gross me out.

 

2) Tiny little itty bitty you know what. (you never can tell)

 

3) He will come in like 5 seconds and not be able to go again (he's early 40's, do guys lose their uh stamina at that point?)

 

4) I have some scars from surgery that I'm a little embarrassed about - nothing terrible, but enough for him to ask questions about, which I'm afraid will ruin the mood. Otherwise I'm pretty confident with my body, etc.

 

I guess I just have too many expectations. It's been 7 1/2 - 8 months since I had sex and the last time was with my "love of my life but secretly sociopathic" ex-boyfriend. This will be a whole new experience.

 

Thoughts? Just expect it to be bad and the second time will be better? Advice?

 

 

 

Geez, these are very normal concerns... particularly for somebody who is overthinking things. #'s 1, 2, and 3 are always going to be concerns with first sex with a new partner.

 

#4 is one that YOU just have to side-step as you put your focus on something else.

 

Most of the major turn-on from sex, when you get to the core of analysis, is your OWN vulnerability to a partner.

 

While I suspect that the likes of you could merely lie there, and be quite the piece d'resistance, I have a strong feeling that if you instead let yourself freely seek your own full pleasure, by boldly explaining to him what you want and how you want it... you'll put that itemized list out of your mind.

 

Just take a deep breath and express yourself.

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makelemonade1974 Established Member

makelemonade1974

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Let's just be clear. I've dated a lot of men since my ex and this one really stands out. It's not just about sex. We are close friends. I'm just wary of committing to anything serious right now. Not sure I can deal with having a "boyfriend." This guy is SO mature and even keel - we are both open to something happening down the line, but right now it's just beginning. I have been completely honest about my ex, who is a piece of work and completely out of the picture. He just hurt me rather badly and It will be a long time before I recover entirely. New guy knows all this.

 

I'm thinking alcohol will loosen me up a little bit. We both have planned it sober, so it's not like I "have" to get drunk to do it, but I think it might help to have a few glasses of wine to ease my anxiety.

 

And the six months thing - when I first met him in November I wasn't ready to date and it was right before Christmas - we both went out of town for the holiday and dated some more in January, then I sort of blew him off for a month because I had PhD comprehensive exams in February. March picked back up and things got gradually more intense. He's not "in love" with me, but I think he's in "like."

irc333 Established Member

irc333

Posted
Posted
but I think he's in "like."

 

Hm, tread carefully.

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