justaname Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Full disclosure: I'm an OM (sort of; we're trying to be good). But there's no point judging here, ok? Please just answer a question. It's not about me. Is it right to track a spouse's cell phone? It seems like the better thing to do is to confront her, honestly and articulately, rather than trying to control her by letting her know you know where she is at all times that she has her cell phone on. If there's something missing in the marriage that's making her find love elsewhere, I don't get how that's going to fix anything.
carhill Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 She can easily get a throw-away phone for clandestine activities which can be both untraceable and untrackable. My MW's back in the day used pay phones. If she's triangulating with a third party, it's apparent that she doesn't want to work on the marriage in a healthy way. What actions her spouse takes, if legal, are right for him. They may not promote a healthier marriage either; it is what it is. Lastly, most anyone with a bit of electronics experience can defeat the GPS features on a cell phone while still rendering the phone useable. Google is your friend
Spark1111 Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Full disclosure: I'm an OM (sort of; we're trying to be good). But there's no point judging here, ok? Please just answer a question. It's not about me. Is it right to track a spouse's cell phone? It seems like the better thing to do is to confront her, honestly and articulately, rather than trying to control her by letting her know you know where she is at all times that she has her cell phone on. If there's something missing in the marriage that's making her find love elsewhere, I don't get how that's going to fix anything. Well, if he is experiencing doubts that she is telling him the truth or hiding something from him (HELLLLOOO.....YOU) than he may be trying to ascertain if she IS having an affair. People who have affairs constantly gaslight their partners to their whereabouts. He suspects something is off, but she sure isn't confessing anything, am I right? Those of us who have been in his situation have tried to confront or ask, what's wrong and we are told a litany of things, such as: Nothing. I'm tired. It's work related. I'm under a lot of stress right now. The kids have been driving me crazy, that's all. My mother, father, boss, neighbor, gave me a hard time today. I'm okay. So after a while of this avoidance, we do grow suspicious we aren't getting the truth. And we track cell phones, cars, bank statements, cell bills. Do you think it is up to him to confront her? Or is it up to her to confess to him and tell him of her unhappiness in the marriage that has caused her to cheat on him with you? What do think is the honorable thing to do here with a spouse? What if it was your woman?
Author justaname Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 They don't communicate much as it is. And I'm not perfectly happy with this arrangement, honestly; I believe it's both their responsibilities to admit to each other that things aren't working. It's probably Aldo my responsibility to wait for her to make a decision, so maybe no one's doing the right thing, but it seems like everyone has a certain right to privacy.
datura_noir Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I think that in the case of an affair, if the CS has opted for full transparency and offered it, and is commited to recovery, it is a cornerstone to said recovery. The actions warrant it. It does not mean the BS has a right to abuse it, but rather monitor it during reconciliation. If a BS has to beg for it, and has to resort to tactics, it means that the CS is un-remorseful and bent on hiding their faults and actions. I was allowed (and still am) unrestricted access to his phone or email. I really never use it though I did early on. Just knowing I do gives me peace of mind. And it is reciprocal. He can easily see anything I do online. Even w/o my permission; moreso because he has IT capabilities. If he had given me a window of time in which I would be able to use it, or if he would have told me it was not possible, there would have been no "us".
datura_noir Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Well, if he is experiencing doubts that she is telling him the truth or hiding something from him (HELLLLOOO.....YOU) than he may be trying to ascertain if she IS having an affair. People who have affairs constantly gaslight their partners to their whereabouts. He suspects something is off, but she sure isn't confessing anything, am I right? Those of us who have been in his situation have tried to confront or ask, what's wrong and we are told a litany of things, such as: Nothing. I'm tired. It's work related. I'm under a lot of stress right now. The kids have been driving me crazy, that's all. My mother, father, boss, neighbor, gave me a hard time today. I'm okay. So after a while of this avoidance, we do grow suspicious we aren't getting the truth. And we track cell phones, cars, bank statements, cell bills. Do you think it is up to him to confront her? Or is it up to her to confess to him and tell him of her unhappiness in the marriage that has caused her to cheat on him with you? What do think is the honorable thing to do here with a spouse? What if it was your woman? Yes and this is key to what is happening. You can clearly see all, but he can't. He is just trying to solidify his suspicions, because as a partner, that is the last thing you would suspect. Sadly, in this day and age, it is the FIRST thing we must suspect.
2long Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Full disclosure: I'm an OM (sort of; we're trying to be good). How are you trying 2 be good? I don't follow. But there's no point judging here, ok? Please just answer a question. It's not about me. I'll try, I promise. But I reserve the right 2 call bullsh*t if I see the need. Is it right to track a spouse's cell phone? I ac2ally think not, though not for the reasons you might think. I think the BS can drive themselves nuts making assumptions about what they know as much as what they don't know about what their WS is up 2. I sure know I did. In the end, the WS can always go deeper underground (in other words, lie even better) if they want 2 continue an affair. My W did this. I did better, for myself, when I worried least. The downside 2 this is that it takes longer for the WS 2 pull their head out of their nethers and make healthier choices, but the upside is that the BS detaches from the affairees' cruel self-indulgence sooner (at least, that was my experience). It seems like the better thing to do is to confront her, honestly and articulately, rather than trying to control her by letting her know you know where she is at all times that she has her cell phone on. All a BS needs 2 do is confront their WS that they know they're having an affair. They don't need 2 reveal their sources of that information. After all, they don't need 2 prove 2 the WS something that they already know is true - that they're cheating. And consider this perspective: A BS who snoops isn't trying 2 control the WS. Rather, they're taking steps 2 understand what's going on in their own marriage. If there's something missing in the marriage that's making her find love elsewhere, I don't get how that's going to fix anything. I know you want 2 believe this is the dynamic. And I'm sure that the WW even believes this nonsense. But the truth is that she has always had the choice 2 either work on her marriage with her husband without your interference, OR she could seek a divorce and THEN seek someone like you out. People don't have affairs because their needs aren't being met at home. They have affairs because they're weak. -ol' 2long
2long Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 They don't communicate much as it is. How would you know this? SHE told you?? WSs lie. And I'm not perfectly happy with this arrangement, honestly; I believe it's both their responsibilities to admit to each other that things aren't working. Yes, without your interference (which is precisely WHY "things aren't working"). It's probably Aldo my responsibility to wait for her to make a decision, so maybe no one's doing the right thing, but it seems like everyone has a certain right to privacy. Yes, you should wait for her 2 make a decision. While you wait, don't interfere with her decision. Stay out of contact. Or, if you can't do that, let the BH know who you are and what you're doing while you wait. He deserves the chance 2 make an informed decision of his own. Don't confuse privacy with secrecy. Everyone does have the right 2 privacy. Not everyone has a right 2 secrecy, though. The Difference Between Secret And Private Private matters are those traits, truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves. They might include our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works, and spiritual beliefs. Private matters, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer. Secrets, on the other hand, consist of information that has potentially negative impact on someone else-emotionally, physically, or financially. Secrets, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, cause great chaos or harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her. Private: I believe in reincarnation. Secret: I have a wife and a mistress and neither knows about the other. Private: I got terrible grades in high school. Secret: I forged my medical degree. The Difference Between Truth and Honesty Truth is empirical, demonstrable fact. Your bank balance, today’s date, whether or not you’re married. Honesty is about feelings. If you’re honest, you are open and clear about how you feel. You can be truthful without being honest and you can be honest without being truthful (the latter a little more difficult). The best relationships, stating the painfully obvious, are both truthful and honest. Trust is built on both truth and honesty, tempered by the proof of predictability and reliability. -ol' 2long
linwood Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 (edited) Is it right to track a spouse's cell phone? It seems like the better thing to do is to confront her, honestly and articulately, rather than trying to control her by letting her know you know where she is at all times that she has her cell phone on. If there's something missing in the marriage that's making her find love elsewhere, I don't get how that's going to fix anything. What it will fix is the husbands lack of knowledge about where she is and when as she is unlikely to tell him the truth if he confronts her "honestly and articulately". The only thing I see "wrong" in your scenario is that the husband made the idiotic mistake of letting her know she was being tracked. He`s unlikely to find out anything since she knows he knows where she is. He ain`t too bright. Edited April 15, 2011 by linwood
2long Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Another thought: I believe it's both their responsibilities to admit to each other that things aren't working. It is their responsibility, and very much none of your business. It's probably Aldo my responsibility to wait for her to make a decision, so maybe no one's doing the right thing I know you want 2 be thought of as being on an equal footing with her and her H, but the truth is you're not. She's a WW. He's her husband. You are an interloper. -ol' 2long
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Is it right to track a spouse's cell phone? It seems like the better thing to do is to confront her, honestly and articulately, rather than trying to control her by letting her know you know where she is at all times that she has her cell phone on. If there's something missing in the marriage that's making her find love elsewhere, I don't get how that's going to fix anything. Look... she is married, but lying and cheating. That means she is in serious breach of contract. In order for her to have hope of continuing in the marriage she must consent to proving that she isn't breaking vows anymore. If she wants her privacy back she can move out and file for divorce at any time.
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