Wham! It just hits you--rant...

[jeweleestar]

I hate it that I can be doing something, being productive, moving on, and then out of the blue it just hits you like a ton of bricks how hurt you are. I have been trying to maintain positive, but I know there are times when I need to allow myself to feel, to cry, to be mad, to curse, etc.

 

Right now, I sit here with tears thinking "what the hell??" I think about all the things that were said and try and rationalize with myself that they weren't a bunch of lies so he could get a piece of ass. The tears make me angry that I even allow him to have this much control over me, that I allow him to make me hurt so deep that I have to stop what I am doing and regroup before I can try and pick myself up and try and move on.

 

The whole situation just sucks to me. As unproductive as it is, I want to tell him off. I have written pages where I have told him off. Sometimes that works. Right now, I am fighting the urge to just lay into him and tell him that it is not OK to treat people that way. I won't, I realize that nothing good can come from that. I just want to stop feeling at some point.

 

Sorry, just had to get it off my chest.

[26pointblue]

Hi, I just want to say I can relate! Not just now but in the past when I've gone NC with xMM off & on [i didn't really know it was called NC then - I just told him I couldn't do it anymore & not to contact me], I would have periods of absolute rage & feeling hurt, when I wanted to just lash out at him or even do something in revenge. Then I would have periods where I just felt love for him & wished him well in my heart & wished we could have ended on a better note somehow. It can be quite the cycle & it does come & go seemingly without reason, & many many different emotions. Very overwhelming. Right now I have more constant swirling thoughts that emotions. But then you're right, wham, they hit me & I hate those times.

[EyesWideOpen]

It's like a sneaky little ninja, isn't it?

[Irishlove]

What if you say to yourself...HA, well at least I got what I want. He didn't use me, I used him too. I had desires met. He didn't take any power from me. Now is the time to do something for yourself. Take kick boxing or something interesting. LIVE! I could sit here and be hurt as well but he did me a favor because I no longer have to wonder if he will leave for me. There is someone out there that will put me first and he got out of my way so that would happen. He taught me a lesson. A few good and some bad. I got my desires filled and I used him as well in certain aspects. But the love was real. I know that, I felt that.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Flabbergaster]

The rough moments pass, that's the upside. As fast as they come on, they can leave. Hang in there. That, plus everthing Irish said, above (great wisdom there, Irish).

 

Pull through this one, you'll be back on the path for productive.

 

Having a ROUGH day myself, just about to hit 8wks NC. Roughest I've had in 5 weeks. TOMORROW will be a better day, I'm waiting for that.

 

Tell me off, I'll pretend to be him. Keep writing those letters, it helps. Therapist if you don't have one; figure out if you came into that situation due to an emotional problem that could be fixed. Most of us, the ow/m and mw/m, i suspect have such a problem.

 

Keep telling him off HERE, like that, and you will feel better.

[so-wrong]

I hate it that I can be doing something, being productive, moving on, and then out of the blue it just hits you like a ton of bricks how hurt you are. I have been trying to maintain positive, but I know there are times when I need to allow myself to feel, to cry, to be mad, to curse, etc.

 

Right now, I sit here with tears thinking "what the hell??" I think about all the things that were said and try and rationalize with myself that they weren't a bunch of lies so he could get a piece of ass. The tears make me angry that I even allow him to have this much control over me, that I allow him to make me hurt so deep that I have to stop what I am doing and regroup before I can try and pick myself up and try and move on.

 

The whole situation just sucks to me. As unproductive as it is, I want to tell him off. I have written pages where I have told him off. Sometimes that works. Right now, I am fighting the urge to just lay into him and tell him that it is not OK to treat people that way. I won't, I realize that nothing good can come from that. I just want to stop feeling at some point.

 

Sorry, just had to get it off my chest.

 

Hugs Jeweleestar. Totally identify with your point about it just hitting you out of nowhere. Sometimes I can't breathe because of the pain I feel, that crushing, over-whelming sadness hurts so damned much.

 

I know it's irrelevant now, but I'd love to think that he experiences pain sometimes too.

[26pointblue]

Having a ROUGH day myself, just about to hit 8wks NC. Roughest I've had in 5 weeks. TOMORROW will be a better day, I'm waiting for that.

 

Tell me off, I'll pretend to be him.

 

Hmmm.

 

Flabber, I don't mean this in a bad way . . . I've been trying to think of how to word this every time I read your posts & have this thought. Maybe I shouldn't say anything! But this one really jumped out at me. So, here it goes, & please realize, I mean no offense, it's just interesting to me.

 

Sometimes it seems to me like you are here helping other OWs because you can't talk to your own xOW. You seem to have a lot of guilt & misgivings about stopping the affair - you obviously still love her, but chose to stay married. It's good for everyone involved if you're not in contact with her anymore & so I certainly don't mean to put you down for that! I just find it so sad that you still miss her. :-( Do you think that posting here helps you get over her or helps you stay stuck in it? Sometimes I have thought of just leaving LS for awhile because it keeps my focus on xMM & reminds me that I was his OW & now I'm not, etc., & [i think this is different than in your affair but not sure] he was supposed to be with me & now he's not, etc. It just bogs me down & keeps my focus on the past, but, for me, at just a few days out, I still need the support of LS posters & I still have a lot to think about & reflect on.

 

Perhaps my remarks are totally off-base & if so, please disregard. And sorry if this is kind of a threadjack . . . although, I think the issue of how we get over those emotions & that strong tie is the central theme. Do I stay at LS posting & helping other OWs? Do I just act like it's behind me even if it's not & try to move on from anything related to it, including LS? It's all so confusing & what I see in your posts, Flabber, is love & concern for your xOW, which makes me wonder if it ever goes away. :-( Also I was wondering if your BS knows you come here & post & if so, what does she think about it? Does she think your head is still with xOW/ in the affair since you are on the OW forum talking to OWs/xOWs? Or does she see it as a good healing process for you & the marriage?

 

I know there is a part of my xMM who wants me to move on & be happy because he genuinely loves me, & a part of him that will always look back at us with some sadness & 'what if's.' I see that in your posts Flabber & I think it is a good thing for me as a recent xOW. I just wonder if it's good for the marriage?! I really don't know. I am actually really glad I'm single & don't have to worry about repairing something with a partner when I have all these crazy strong feelings still for xMM. So I'm just curious & of course you don't have to answer my questions. :-)

[Flabbergaster]

My apologies to the OP for continuing this threadjack...

Hmmm.

Flabber, I don't mean this in a bad way . . .

No offense taken. It's actually kind of you to raise concerns; this forum is often about helping each other see things that we might not see for ourselves.

 

Sometimes it seems to me like you are here helping other OWs because you can't talk to your own xOW. .. Do you think that posting here helps you get over her or helps you stay stuck in it? Sometimes I have thought of just leaving LS for awhile ...

I've had some similar thoughts, I'm glad you raised these so clearly. Something more for me to process Early on, I definitely started posting here because I couldn't talk to her and I was in shock. Seeing others in shock and pain and being able to give them thoughts that might help them better understand their situation helped deal with the shock. Now...I know how much it meant to me to know i wasn't alone, that others experienced the same type of pain I was in. I sometimes have perspective that they might not have (I'm past that stage, I'm male, it's easier for an outsider to see something in front of your nose). So on a good day, I'm posting here because i know how much it meant to me, when I was having a bad day, to read what others said and thought, to see that I wasn't alone in pain that I had felt.

I tend to be drawn here on the worst moments; my earlier post was probably the worst day I have had in weeks. I am certainly recovering, it is certainly better than it was weeks ago...and now I realize I don't post about that part (the "it's better than it was,") so much. Would I get better faster if I walked away from LS a bit? Don't know; there have definitely been periods where I've taken a few days absence because I just can't think about any of this.

So in the beginning...yes I would saying I was posting to OW here because I couldn't talk to her. Perhaps I wanted to show her I did care, I did hurt, I did understand, I did want her. Helping OW here...was what I would have wanted someone to do for her. Now...I often feel compelled to help those who are worse off. Perhaps as tribute to her, perhaps because I know similar pain and want to repay the help I received from reading and posting here. I think it's important to empathize and let those in early stage pain to know they're not the only ones to hurt.

In the future...I'm sure I won't be here as much in several months. I'm also sure that I will be back, even if it won't be as regular as it has been lately. Hehe, so put my on the ignore list now, if you don't like my thoughts.

 

 

I think the issue of how we get over those emotions & that strong tie is the central theme. Do I stay at LS posting & helping other OWs? Do I just act like it's behind me even if it's not & try to move on from anything related to it, including LS? It's all so confusing & what I see in your posts, Flabber, is love & concern for your xOW, which makes me wonder if it ever goes away. :-(

The pain will go away, the longing will go away, the confusion from all this will go away. Patience, dear.

 

Does being at LS too much allow me/others to hang on to memories too long? Prolong acceptance of the inevitable? On the other hand...we can see how damaging the A was, because we see others who are in the 'really bad' stages that we have moved past. It's easy to glamorize what you lost when you're deep into NC; reading posts from those stuck in LC reminds you of the pain of crumbs, cake eating, and indecision. Reminds you to move forward, fix your life. At least that's how I often feel.

 

I know that if I hadn't found LS while I was still deeply in the A (track down my first posts) I would have stayed in the A longer, I would have acted in ways that kept xOW in A longer, she would have been much worse off emotionally at the end (and me only moderately more worse off).

 

Perhaps LS does slow down how quickly we let go...I think it might mean an easier landing, for those of us that aren't good at "cut and dry" changes. I'm pretty sure that xOW decided to be done with this in the snap of fingers, and barely thinks of me or this since that moment. Good for her...I'm just not as good at letting go so quickly. Maybe that's why some of us are here longer than others. Certainly we see that some rebound faster than others.

 

Personally I think I'm at a point where I have to consider 'fully accepting the end' and moving on. Delete everything, burn everything. I do wonder if coming here during that phase is a way to stretch out this phase, avoid that "it is over, i must accept that she is dead to me, vice versa" day.

Does the love and concern go away? For me, I doubt it. I think what happens is that we learn to accept that it is...just not our life. Some of us get angry, some forget, some smile and think 'how nice' but don't go there. The love and concern will stay...it will just be something that I don't think about everyday, hopefully not every week, or even every month. There have been a few days that I have barely thought of her at all, soon there will be days where I don't think of her at all. Time heals all.

 

Also I was wondering if your BS knows you come here...

BS doesn't know about the A, the end of the A, or that I post here. That being said I believe she is fairly certain that there was an A and that it ended. I understand the belief some have that we should confess everything; I disagree with it. Confessing everything as part of healing would be great if the BS was not human and could rationally process the concept of A. Unfortunately because the BS is human, they will easily overreact and the M will likely end due to the way we react to territorial challenges, rather than the way we feel. The BS will likely respond to evolutionary programming, rather than their heart. For those who are considering or advocating confessing all...I would only ask that you wait until you are past the shock of the end of the A before making this decision. Be able to think and talk before you start that conversation. Some people have zero tolerance for the betrayal, due to evolutionary issues rather than who they are. If you love someone enough to die for them, you should love them enough to forgive a mistake. Unfortunately evolution teaches us to act differently. My opinion...if you can forgive yourself and fix the problems that might be better.

 

I know there is a part of my xMM who wants me to move on & be happy because he genuinely loves me, & a part of him that will always look back at us with some sadness & 'what if's.' I see that in your posts Flabber & I think it is a good thing for me as a recent xOW.

I think it helps to know that you meant something, or that there is even the possibility that you meant something. That lets some people smile and move on, without spending so much time in the 'angry' phase. The ego takes less damage, affair ending can be attributed to the unfairness of life. I think that many times she felt she didn't mean anything to me, because the pain from not getting what she wanted couldn't be explained in any other way. Maybe that's why I'm here somedays, to let OW know that they did mean something (and that they should move forward anway, find a single man). Let's be honest...some of the MM are scumbags and don't really care / love or might not be capable of actual love.

I don't know your xMM, it is possible that he genuinely loves you. I hope he did. If so, you can rest assured that you're not the only one in pain, that he is as well. Don't even think of breaking NC because of this thought; you've got to get away from a toxic relationship no matter how interesting it looked. And find out what is wrong with you that prevented you from running away, earlier.

 

I just wonder if it's good for the marriage?!

Some people are haunted by ghosts for a long time when an R ends, others for a short time. I think it's the same with an A that ends. Is it good to hold on to her memory? No, but neither was it good for the M to have the A. So right now I'm working on letting go of the A, trying to let it fade to a memory that doesn't haunt me so much, and work on fixing the M (or deciding next step, if it isn't fixable).

 

 

 

I am actually really glad I'm single & don't have to worry about repairing something with a partner when I have all these crazy strong feelings still for xMM.

Yeah...it's a barrel of monkeys. Have to work hard to not let your sad feelings affect your attempts to repair / rebuild. The first two weeks this was very difficult, as the pain was so intense (now it's not so hard).

But let's not forget...I was in the M while in the A; so i was ALREADY sitting on two horses (not that this was a good thing; it was stupid and selfish and painful). In some ways it's better for my M now than when I was in the A. While in the A, i would be upset that I was spending time with BS rather than AP. Also I was spending a lot of time with / about AP. Now...I'm more available to BS, and the quality of the time (for her) is gradually improving. In other ways...it's hard, sometimes, to work on the M. Somedays it's REALLY hard to be working on repairing. I would not be surprised to hear that a lot of people went through with divorce after the A ended. Me...I'm trying to put a lot of effort into it; otherwise the end of the A was for nothing. Ironically...the fact that xOW would be upset if I got a divorce AFTER we ended the A is a motivating factor to try to repair M.

 

Just to be clear, I know that all this pain is my fault. This was not the way to try to deal with unhappiness in M. We choose our paths. I chose to get off a bad path...it hurts incredibly to do so. I do not deserve pity for this, because I am merely paying off a bad choice.

[Emme]

It's like a sneaky little ninja, isn't it?

 

 

 

:laugh:LMFAO! This is so true!

 

 

 

Jewel we all feel your pain. The mind is so delicate it takes control of our thinking and we have to face reality. The truth about our circumtances. Just hold on and in time the pain subsides.