GabbyGirl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I will try not to make this too long but I am totally confused and crushed. I am a MW seeing a MM since December 2010. In February 2011 we became exclusive and agreed not to see anyone else. Then the love bug bit us and we decided to take our relationship one day at a time and see where things go. He does have kids and he co-exists with his wife and does not want to leave until his kids are older. We agreed to no bs, lies, etc. My marriage has been sexless for 12 plus years and that is my husbands choice. He does not want a divorce and we live like roommates. Anyway after 12 years of no intimacy I gave in and thought I found a nice honest decent man. Part of the year my MM works in another state and was up front about that when we first met. He told me yesterday he was leaving sooner than he thought and I was doing my best to stay positive. We are also planning that I would come visit him several times. So later this morning I receive a text saying he does not like long sappy goodbyes and that he left early this morning. He said to call whenever I want and he hopes I am not upset. Needless to say I was floored when I read his text and immediately the tears started flowing. I thought how could he do this to me? Does he really care about me or did he not want an emotional goodbye? So now I am wondering if he really did love me or if everything he said was a lie. If he was lying he should win an Emmy, Academy Award, etc. Am I a fool? I don't know what to do now. I have not called him back because my jaw is still on the floor.
jeweleestar Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Sorry that you are having such a bad day. It seems like the tears are flowing all over. You can take him for what he says. Or has there been other elements of dishonesty? Do you know if the other things he has said have been true? Hugs to you, hope it gets better.
Heart On Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 ((((GabbyGirl)))) I just wanted to say,I'm sorry for your shock and dismay. I know how harsh it can be to be left like that.It leaves you with so many questions and self doubt and fear and distrust in your own reality,it's hard to know which was is up.I can validate your experience by saying that was the most rotten thing of him to do to you and with any luck,it's the last you ever hear from him because anything he has to say right now would be just a lame excuse! If I was you,hard as it might be and as much as I wish I had done this, I'd simply do an about face and if he tries to contact you again.Ignore him.If nothing else,he will miss the ego boost you gave him and the last thing you want to do is accomodate him in any way after what he just did. There was no good reason for him to send you a text. Talk about a coward! I have to say,this IS a blessing in disguise and there is light at the end of this tunnel. I know it doesn't feel like it right now,but don't waste your time turning your anger inward and beating yourself up when you can remind yourself that you did NOTHING to deserve this and that it's not personal.He's simply cruel and callous to women who love him.His wife included. Try to realize that while you know the truth of your relationship with your H that his rendition of his marriage might not be as honest. Would you have gotten involved with him if he told you he loved his wife,they had great sex and that he never wanted to leave her? 1.Doubtfully.So try to not take this ending personally.He may or may not have loved you,but it doesn't matter now.He is gone.Let him stay gone on your own terms! Don't answer that phone! Let him feel the emptiness too~! 2.Do yourself a favor, skip internalizing your valid ANGER so you don't allow this to drive you insane. Take the attitude that it is his loss and he just isn't man enough for you to love anymore. 3.Figure out what lesson this taught you.I know mine taught me alot! Maybe now,your 'guilt' will subside and you can actually do something to change your marital status so you can be with one man who fulfills ALL of your needs instead of feeling forced to split them between two men. That's what I learned and it made a huge difference to my life.
whichwayisup Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 First off, I think you and your MM promising eachother to be upfront and honest, no lies/no bullcrap is kind of funny.. Don't you owe that to your husband? Reguardless if you have a sex life or not? Why not talk to your husband about having an open marriage since you say he refuses to have sex with you, and that you two live as roommates. Just an option to think about since you don't plan on divorcing. As for your MM... So later this morning I receive a text saying he does not like long sappy goodbyes and that he left early this morning. He said to call whenever I want and he hopes I am not upset. It was easier for him so that's why he left without saying goodbye face to face. Was he lying? Only he knows. Though he DID say you can call him, so why automatically assume he was lying and didn't care about you? Maybe he couldn't handle seeing you upset, since you said you were trying to stay positive about him leaving. He said he didn't like long sappy goodbyes. That's honest and also a common theme with many men.
whichwayisup Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Anyway after 12 years of no intimacy I gave in and thought I found a nice honest decent man. A nice honest, decent man doesn't cheat on his wife! Fact is, since you both are capable of lying and deceiving, pulling off an affair behind your spouses back, trust IS an issue. Not only for you, but maybe for him to. Ever think of that? Sorry if I sound harsh, but he can't read your mind, just like you can't read his. Try to realize that while you know the truth of your relationship with your H that his rendition of his marriage might not be as honest. True. If he told you he did love his wife, but was just looking for some needs to be met on the side, and that he was still havin sex with his wife on occasion, would you still have chosen to have an affair with him?
Author GabbyGirl Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Thank you for your replies. First off and I should have said this...my husband knows and we do have an open marriage. Don't ask don't tell. That's a long story why we stay together and that is not the issue right now. I am not sure if my MM has real feelings or like whichwayisup said in her reply maybe he could not handle seeing me fall apart. At this point I still have not contacted him. Again if he was just using me how can man lie like that over and over. Telling a woman he loves her. I amso confused. He is also stressed about his business and heart broken to leave his kids for up to six months. Just so confused.
Irishlove Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 That's the pleasure of being with a MM, they ARE liars. Everything that falls out of their mouth can be a lie. He was probably thinking of a way to do it where you wouldn't get mad and cause a scene. When my MM ended it yesterday he made sure to tell me to please be nice and stay sweet because he knows I can get even if I wanted to and make his life miserable. Pick yourself up and take care of yourself. It's ok to grieve. Our hearts are vulnerable. I haven't had sex in my marriage in almost six years and I've been married almost ten. We live as friends. In fact he knew of my MM
whichwayisup Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Well, it's good that you and your H do have an open marriage. Just curious, but is there a reason why you and your H have no intimacy? Obviously you two loved eachother alot at one time to get married and have children. Just is sad to have a husband, the father of your kids, a life built with him, a partner who will support you and be there for you .. And not have the intimacy happening too. As for your MM.. Your affair with him is less than 6 months. Maybe it's time to let him go since he is gone for a long time. Why put effort into someone that you're not sure of? Listen to your gut, if it feels wrong,and you've questioned certain things in the past, seen red flags, trust that feeling, it's rarely wrong.
TurboGirl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Gabby... Ummm seriously, aren't you taking it a bit far to be so upset? He did text you to say he was leaving - you knew that he was planning on going early. He said he doesn't like sappy goodbyes which to me says he doesn't want you to get all emotional on him. I can understand that you are disappointed you did not get to see him, but he has responsibilities - his family, his job, etc. PLUS It's not like he dumped you! He told you you can call him, which is rare for a guy. Take a couple of days, chill out... and by then maybe he will have called you first!
Jane Deaux Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Gabby, I agree with letting it go for a few days. If indeed you are this upset about it then you need time to cool off. If you still feel the need to tell him that it was upsetting, then do so, but probably not too harshly. And maybe taking a little time, he will contact you first. Then that should make you happy! I would probably have been disappointed too, but I wouldn't be questioning all the things he had said. Did you just see him last night or yesterday? I would think that for him, that was enough and he really really didn't want a long drawn out goodbye. Could be all kinds of reasons behind that, but more than likely it is just that, he doesn't like them. Don't read so much into it. BELIEVE ME, it could be worse. You got a text, he didn't lie. He told you to call him when you want. I think he was referring to the fact that you don't have to be careful that his wife is around, so you can call when you please. That's a good thing. You can't read tone into a text so don't over analyze it. It's not going to get you anywhere. He could be very depressed as you said over leaving his children, stressed over something that he may dread doing. Leaving for six months a year has to be hard. He may not even have planned not to see you, but after packing the car, saying goodbye to the kids, wife, ect, he just couldn't handle the emotions of doing it one more time. :/ Hang in there, the ride may get bumpier in the next 6 months. Also, don't forget, every time a situation happens, you will only be stronger on the other side of it. One less expectation = one less hurt.
Lucky_One Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 In February 2011 we became exclusive and agreed not to see anyone else. So you were sleeping with each other from December until February non-exclusively? Was he seeing someone else? Were you?
Author GabbyGirl Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Turbo Girl is right and I did make a mountain out of a mole hill. It was just the shock of receiving an email that he was gone. No we were not seeing other people. Feelings started to develop and it safer being with one person.
9Lives Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I say let his silence be your official goodbye. I know we as women want the hugs and kisses and all the emotions with letting a loved one go but it dont always happen like that. Silence IS your good bye. Good bye = Silences. And yes he is lying and not keeping it real with you. Most like he got a woman where he is at now laying next to him right now hoping you dont call so he dont have to send you to voicemail. Men have reasons for everything they do. They may not be able to express it like we do but it has meaning and whatever the meaning is, he knew you wouldnt like it or it is wrong. It is all about him girl. You are 2nd class out the gate and 2nd class you will remain and he is treating just as such.
Heart On Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Turbo Girl is right and I did make a mountain out of a mole hill. It was just the shock of receiving an email that he was gone. No we were not seeing other people. Feelings started to develop and it safer being with one person. Don't invalidate your own pain.It was RUDE for him to text you a goodbye. And again,he may or may not be having sex with his wife so it's not really like being with ONE person.
bentnotbroken Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I will try not to make this too long but I am totally confused and crushed. I am a MW seeing a MM since December 2010. In February 2011 we became exclusive and agreed not to see anyone else. Then the love bug bit us and we decided to take our relationship one day at a time and see where things go. He does have kids and he co-exists with his wife and does not want to leave until his kids are older. We agreed to no bs, lies, etc. My marriage has been sexless for 12 plus years and that is my husbands choice. He does not want a divorce and we live like roommates. Anyway after 12 years of no intimacy I gave in and thought I found a nice honest decent man. Part of the year my MM works in another state and was up front about that when we first met. He told me yesterday he was leaving sooner than he thought and I was doing my best to stay positive. We are also planning that I would come visit him several times. So later this morning I receive a text saying he does not like long sappy goodbyes and that he left early this morning. He said to call whenever I want and he hopes I am not upset. Needless to say I was floored when I read his text and immediately the tears started flowing. I thought how could he do this to me? Does he really care about me or did he not want an emotional goodbye? So now I am wondering if he really did love me or if everything he said was a lie. If he was lying he should win an Emmy, Academy Award, etc. Am I a fool? I don't know what to do now. I have not called him back because my jaw is still on the floor. Decent man cheating:eek::eek:Wow.
Bionic Me Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 *facepalm* I am confused. I have to agree with Turbo. You could have called and reached a disconnected number or something. How do you classify a MM who cheats as an "honest, decent man"? What's decent about him and how honest is he? Remember, just because he is being "honest" with you about cheating on his W, that's not really being "honest". Maybe YOU are with one person (sleeping) but may not. Unless he is in the exact same situation as you, basically living with a roommate. No pun intended. Married people go "exclusive" with a person other than their spouse? *SMH*WOW! People fail to realise that it's all relative. I don't get it... I'm sorry that you are spazzing but life is too short to delay reality. If your H is ok with your open M, getting with a MM may not be so wise. Wouldn't you want to be with someone more available and of less drama? I wonder if you would be this hurt if he were to be single and relocated. Just saying... Do you have any children? How old are his kids?
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