Author stormy_weathers Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Since permission was given I just don't see it as an affair. He knew we were hanging out.
TMCM Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 (edited) Since permission was given I just don't see it as an affair. He knew we were hanging out. That's because it was an EA (emotional affair) which may/may not have had anything to do with sex. You undressed yourself emotionally for a strange man but did not do this for your husband. Your comment below shows it quite clear I always had felt uncomfortable sharing the details with my husband anyway. With a new man, I didn't have to nor did I want to.. You and your husband may want to reconsider ending the 'open marriage' and start going to a marriage counselor instead. Edited April 26, 2011 by TMCM eta
danmo Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 If your husband knew you were hanging out with the OM did he ever ask if you were doing him? if so did you lie? If not I can see why you might assume he would think you and OM were lovers. Did the OM think your husband knew? I think your husband is hurt that you hid it from him but mad because you did not share the details. Do you still see the OM? Is hubby ok with it now? If not why? Just curious as to how things are going now. Have you asked him how to fix it? or do you care? I know lots of questions LOL
drifter777 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Well I thought the title of the thread pretty much said what I wanted to know. Your answer here shows how out-of-touch with mainstream relationships you really are. I mean, you are married and make an arrangement to have sex with other men as long as you tell your husband the details. Personally, an arrangement like this is revolting to me and something I imagine only happens in a fantasy world. You split hairs by saying that having sex with other men is ok because your husband has given his permission with the condition that you tell him the details of the encounter. To me, you are both sick and in mutual denial of your pathology. Now you frame a question about "is it an affair" if you don't share the intimate details as promised and say "it's not an affair because he knew about my sex with OM". Ok, in your sick world where you make up the rules I guess you can simply make that statement and move on. But I think posting the details of your "alternative" relationship on a forum made up primarily of normal people involved in normal marriages dealing with textbook definitions of "infidelity" is stupid. Go find a site for swingers or open marriages or whatever and post your garbage there.
Author stormy_weathers Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Your answer here shows how out-of-touch with mainstream relationships you really are. I mean, you are married and make an arrangement to have sex with other men as long as you tell your husband the details. Personally, an arrangement like this is revolting to me and something I imagine only happens in a fantasy world. You split hairs by saying that having sex with other men is ok because your husband has given his permission with the condition that you tell him the details of the encounter. To me, you are both sick and in mutual denial of your pathology. Now you frame a question about "is it an affair" if you don't share the intimate details as promised and say "it's not an affair because he knew about my sex with OM". Ok, in your sick world where you make up the rules I guess you can simply make that statement and move on. But I think posting the details of your "alternative" relationship on a forum made up primarily of normal people involved in normal marriages dealing with textbook definitions of "infidelity" is stupid. Go find a site for swingers or open marriages or whatever and post your garbage there. I do realize that many here live in what they believe is a traditional world with a traditional marriage. You don't know what my wedding vows were - so I'd say you are in no position to judge. You can think that it's a sick alternative lifestyle but reality is there are more than what you want to believe out there that live like this. I know it's probably a shock to you. Are you the moderator? How is it that you're in a position to tell me I should post somewhere else? If you don't like my post then perhaps reading someone elses might better suit your entertainment for the day.
Author stormy_weathers Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 If your husband knew you were hanging out with the OM did he ever ask if you were doing him? if so did you lie? If not I can see why you might assume he would think you and OM were lovers. Did the OM think your husband knew? I think your husband is hurt that you hid it from him but mad because you did not share the details. Do you still see the OM? Is hubby ok with it now? If not why? Just curious as to how things are going now. Have you asked him how to fix it? or do you care? I know lots of questions LOL Danmo - My husband knew & yes he'd ask. Yes, I lied & said we mostly would go out for drinks & talk. The other man knew that my husband was aware that he & I were friends. I believe that my H wasn't so much mad but a little hurt that he was left out of the loop on the escapades. In hind site - I think my H suspected all along. The OM & I don't see each other anymore. We talk maybe a few times a year via email only. Just to catch up with family stuff. I would still consider him a friend. He was a good guy (probably still is for the most part) I had asked the initial question after reading posts here wondering if my A really was one. After reading, I still don't believe it's really considered one. There are so many people here that have the most hateful attitudes towards their H or W that had the affair. Whether they have stayed in the marriage or left it. My marriage just isn't like that.
danmo Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Wow, 1st off drifter is way off base for saying any of that. Drifter you certainly have your right to your opinion but to call people sick is crossing the line. Like Stormy says there are LOTS of people involved in this alternative life style and it works for us and we are as normal as (or in your case not normal) you are. Is it better to give permission and have it build on your marriage then to have your wife sneak around on you? I am betting there are many people, in fact a very high percentage of couples who have affairs and their spouses never know. Maybe even your wife has drifter, we are all just human. I would also suggest that this lifestyle will become way more popular in the future particuliarly with couples who are now in their 20's & 30's. Stormy your relation with the OM certainly is not a standard affair as defined by most people in here, what does your husband say? does he think it is? If my wife lied to me I would be upset and hurt because of trust. (of course I would be mad because I missed out) but I would have to really reevaluate what happened and why and try to fix whatever is wrong and as one person suggested maybe cancelling the open part of the marriage would work. Does your husband want or do you now see other men? Is your husband upset about this or are you just posing the question to see what other people think about the circumstances?
Author stormy_weathers Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 I really just wanted to see others viewpoint on the topic. No I don't see other men anymore & he hasn't brought it up since he found out about the other man's & my relationship. This is also why I don't consider it an affair. I mean really, what could he say? How could he really justify being mad at me when he himself had pushed the subject.
bentnotbroken Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I really just wanted to see others viewpoint on the topic. No I don't see other men anymore & he hasn't brought it up since he found out about the other man's & my relationship. This is also why I don't consider it an affair. I mean really, what could he say? How could he really justify being mad at me when he himself had pushed the subject. So you really didn't want ALL other view points. Just the ones that didn't call the lifestyle you live "sick". Remember you did say others viewpoints. That would also mean the ones that didn't support your choices and found them offensive and showed that. Right or wrong. It was a viewpoint.
danmo Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Actually she just wanted the question of rather or not it was an affair based on the facts that she revealed. She never once asked about rather or not people found it moral or normal. So the view points she was after was to address the question at hand only. Stormy - Is your relationship better now, the same or at an all time low as compared to prior to the start of opening up your marriage? Would you consider seeing OMen if the rules changed? or are you done with that and do you think your husband still wants this. I have to agree with you, he can't possibly be mad if he initially pushed you into it. The way I see it you did his friends for him and you did your OM for you. If this happened to me I would feel more seperation from my wife then anything based on the fact that it was not shared.
Author stormy_weathers Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 So you really didn't want ALL other view points. Just the ones that didn't call the lifestyle you live "sick". Remember you did say others viewpoints. That would also mean the ones that didn't support your choices and found them offensive and showed that. Right or wrong. It was a viewpoint. Absolutely. I don't recall blasting anyone for their viewpoint. Except Drifter. Only because he told me I didn't belong here. I didn't judge his traditional marriage. He judged my untraditional marriage.
Author stormy_weathers Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 Actually she just wanted the question of rather or not it was an affair based on the facts that she revealed. She never once asked about rather or not people found it moral or normal. So the view points she was after was to address the question at hand only. Stormy - Is your relationship better now, the same or at an all time low as compared to prior to the start of opening up your marriage? Would you consider seeing OMen if the rules changed? or are you done with that and do you think your husband still wants this. I have to agree with you, he can't possibly be mad if he initially pushed you into it. The way I see it you did his friends for him and you did your OM for you. If this happened to me I would feel more seperation from my wife then anything based on the fact that it was not shared. Danmo - Thanks for asking. Yes, my relationship is much better now with my husband. We have, like most marriages, had our fair share of moments. But for the most part we're extremely happy. He will occasionally (rare) bring up the whole other men thing. I squash it pretty quickly. I did, at that time feel a huge separation from my husband which is why now I have no interest in that lifestyle anymore. There were other things that went along with it that frankly, I'm just too old for now. Can't party like a rock star like I used to. (alcohol based partying)
danmo Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 (edited) That's great Stormy, really glad to hear that. The lifestyle is definitely not for everyone and at least now you know what doesn't work for your marriage. It probably did not help doing his friends, that is something we don't do - too many worlds mixing. It seems like he selected the guy for you right off the bat and that was probably not the best thing to do. The other thing is your experience with your OM while at the time was enjoyable for you ended up being bad for your marriage because of the structure of the relationship. These are things that can sour an arrangement that has potential to add spice to a relationship. In my opinion all the stars have to align for it to work, however in your case it did not. As far as the parting goes, we are in the same boat being in our 50's so it really is not a part of our lives and pobably would not be, even if we were younger. Excessive drinking tends to cloud things but certainly nothing wrong with a few to help enjoy the moments. Instead we concentrate on keeping healthy and fit in order to enjoy ourselves and each other long into the future.The main thing is that both of you are happy and continue to be - congrat's Edited April 27, 2011 by danmo
drifter777 Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 That's great Stormy, really glad to hear that. The lifestyle is definitely not for everyone Stormy: That's what I was pointing out. Posing questions and scenarios based on an alternative lifestyle to a group of typical folks dealing with a more traditional definition of infidelity is a bit pointless. The vast majority of us have no context to fully grasp the situation so you are not going to get answers that are very helpful. I'm guessing there are plenty of "alternative" relationship forums that you could post on and get some help from people who are much more experienced with the issues you pose. What kind of angered me originally was your flip response to my question "what are you looking for" from the people on this forum and you said something like "it's obvious from the title". Well, that's not true because yours in NOT a typical situation that is dealt with on this forum.
Author stormy_weathers Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 Well drifter - I'm sorry that you found my post so disturbing. I guess that since you weren't invited to answer I'm not really sure why you did. Although, since I see you are a BS you post & bash other WS here, Guess I should feel honored that you took the time to put yet another WS in their place. Thank you, I feel so much better now. I KNOW that the lifestyle is not a traditional or conventional one by some standards (Not All). I didn't really need someone to tell me that. However, there are posters here that have & still are in this type of a marriage. That's why I placed this post here. Again thank you drifter for setting me straight.
puzzled Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 An affair is developing an emotional or physical desire/attachment/etc with someone outside of your relationship with or without your significant other's knowledge. I believe the "with or without" should be changed to "without".
abcheck12 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Never bring your lover to your home. Never go to your lover's home (unless they are completely single and free from the ties of marriage and/or a serious relationship.) If they get caught by their significant other, chances are your spouse will also find out. Never call your new companion from your home phone and/or your cell phone (if your spouse has access to your phone record.) It is inevitable that affairs have no good ending so it is best to not get involved in one altogether. However...If you choose to have an affair, there are a few sites that provide affair tips and cheating advice for not getting caught.
Silly_Girl Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I really just wanted to see others viewpoint on the topic. No I don't see other men anymore & he hasn't brought it up since he found out about the other man's & my relationship. This is also why I don't consider it an affair. I mean really, what could he say? How could he really justify being mad at me when he himself had pushed the subject. You two shared the rules and the info. Your activities were a property of the marriage (irrespective of how unusual that is), then you went outside of the marriage and chose to keep aspects of your relationship secret from your husband. I get the impression you don't like the answers you're getting but to my mind it absolutely is an affair, no question.
confusedinkansas Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I don't think this is considered an affair either. You were given specific permission. ABCheck - I'm not sure what your post has to do with this one - BUT It is inevitable that affairs have no good ending so it is best to not get involved in one altogether. This is an untrue statement.
2long Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 (edited) An affair is what your spouse thinks it is. Your husband's "hurt" over your decision not 2 tell him about your relationship with the OM is what makes this an affair. However, if you and he are fine with things as they are now, I don't see there's anything 2 be overly concerned about, except... ...your post here. If things have been fine for a while, why do you ask this question now? It seems as if something's smoldering under that rug. [edit: Like maybe your husband has been having an affair you don't know about? I've seen many times where a WS suggests the BS have other relationships 2 help alleviate their own guilt for cheating.] Where did this "the lifestyle" come from? Swinging isn't *the* anything. There are cubic tons of different lifestyles. And why call it that? Why not call it swinging? Or open marriaging, or something? -ol' 2long Edited April 29, 2011 by 2long
Author stormy_weathers Posted April 29, 2011 Author Posted April 29, 2011 Things have been absolutely FABULOUS! FYI! The reasoning for the questions now - Just after reading here for a while I was mostly curious what others thought. I'm not looking for any specific answer since this did happen years ago. It's funny how so many here think that posts must have some deep seeded underlying reason. Nothing's smoldering under the rug. No hidden meaning. I suppose you give this lifestyle a plethora of different lables. I personally referred to it as a Modified Open Marriage. Not necessarily swinging because he did not participate directly.
enjoyingnewlife Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 you and your h had an unsual agreement of boundaries; but you did both agree to them. you broke the boundaries, so yes as many stated here, that made your secret fling an affair. i cant help but say, i have less sympathy for your h than the other bs's here. that is a stupid, rediculous door to open in the 1st place. others may disagree that if 2 decide that is what their marraige will be about, than that is their choice. i personally dont see that as a marraige. ive never heard a story with this agreement that didnt end up with hurt feelings and damage.
OldOnTheInside Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 One party is unable to get along with another party because they have a different viewpoint, so that viewpoint is dismissed entirely. That refers to all of the overly hostile posts here... So tell OP, why even post this? You're curious about all of the different opinions here right? So when you get a post that you disagree with, we get a "nope I don't think so" in return. Are you willing to even entertain the thought that you had an affair? Or do you just want tell us how special your "Modified Open Marriage" is? Please do tell...
Author stormy_weathers Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 So tell OP, why even post this? You're curious about all of the different opinions here right? So when you get a post that you disagree with, we get a "nope I don't think so" in return. Are you willing to even entertain the thought that you had an affair? I don't see where I was as flip with my answer as you say "Nope I Don't Think So" I am curious as to how others view a situation like this. It doesn't mean I'll agree with it. It means I am curious. Because the situation was one that I'd not read here so I just thought I'd toss it out there & get a little different perspective. I'm not being arguementative with anyone. (except Drifter, I don't think it's his place to ask me to leave a forum) I appreciate all the other input. It's made me thihnk a bit. But it doesn't necessarily change my opinion.
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