EyeJustDontKnow Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Not sure I got that title right but what I mean is, have we by and large allowed things like text, Facebook and even email become something that is used as some sort of barometer for how people feel about us? I hate to admit it and it makes me a little ticked at myself but I believe I have at times. Thinking back when I was dating way back when was a time before cell phones. We didnt see each other in the morning and had no real communication until after work. When one of us would call the other, or meet up if we had plans. Today that is completely different; now we wake up and either send a text "Good morning!" or hope there is a similar message waiting for us. If we let it, I really believe that these things can become dangerous if we put too much stock in them i.e. "He/she didn't text me back, does that mean something?" Maybe. Maybe not. Just busy at work? Phone dead? Ignoring you because they are sleeping with somebody else? A frantic mind can come up with all sorts of things. A calm healthy mind will just patiently wait. I admit that I have been at both extremes. Well ok, not afraid my girlfriend was ACTUALLY sleeping with somebody else, that was just put in there as an extreme example. Personally I have seen things like this that should be trivial non-issues balloon into relationship threatening arguments. And I stop and think about that for a moment and wonder....really?! How the **** did we get here? A lot of my own issues in the past have been due to either misconstrued texts, Facebook weirdness or chat messages that just come out wrong. Anyone else think about things like this?
Nexus One Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 It's not just a hunch you're having here. Not too long ago there was a study conducted amongst divorce lawyers in the US and the most remarkable outcome of that study was that according to divorce lawyers arguments about Facebook has been at the root of 30% of divorce cases last year. You'd think though that that should tell us something, but it's possible that people simply moved the stupid sh*t they did and said in real life to Facebook.
P&R Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Yes, and I have been guilty of this, especially with text messages. I've gotten to the point that I hate text.
threebyfate Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Consider a hammer. One person can use it to hammer nails thus building something positive with it. Another person can take that hammer and hurt or kill someone or destroy something positive with it. What I have noticed is that the same problems that used to manifest in real life, are manifesting on a greater scale with technology. As examples, when you put technology into an obsessive compulsive's hands whereby their fixation is their partner, instead of their relationship blowing up unknown to the rest of the world, it will blow up for all to see on Facebook, etc. Put technology into the hands of people with Cluster B disorders and something similar happens.
Nexus One Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 What I have noticed is that the same problems that used to manifest in real life, are manifesting on a greater scale with technology. I bet that the main reason for that is that communication on social media, text and IM are stored/archived. So people take a peek at that history and react accordingly. Whereas in the days before these technologies existed communication and disloyal behavior would just dissolve into the past, never to be re-viewed again. (unless it had been written in a letter or news paper ad or something)
OliveOyl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Have we fallen into the trap of using technology as validation? Yes. Definitely so.
threebyfate Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I bet that the main reason for that is that communication on social media, text and IM are stored/archived. So people take a peek at that history and react accordingly. Whereas in the days before these technologies existed communication and disloyal behavior would just dissolve into the past, never to be re-viewed again. (unless it had been written in a letter or news paper ad or something)Sure. It's the perfect tool for someone with any form of obsessive dysfunction. Not only can they look backwards, with their mentally flawed wiring, they will reinvent the past.
alphamale Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Anyone else think about things like this? yes, on occasion
Ruby Slippers Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Yeah, and it's only going to increase. Technology is a high-definition amplifier for what is already true.
627 Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 but be careful people, you cannot build relationships or anythign through facebook and text. anyone can be charming funny and witty through text, it doesn't mean anything. talkign to people in person, and talking over a computer is a completly different thing. which is why I leave flirting, complimenting and other stuff to direct interactions
Cee Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I am completely unhinged by this communication technology in my current relationship. I don't know what's too much contact and what's too little. It makes me a little batty sometimes. And we aren't using every communication method. We never use Facebook or IM- only phone, email, and very rarely text. But even that seems like too much. Good thing I am seeing him over the weekend. I won't have to worry at all about email or my cell phone. Face time is the best.
Hanther Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 It's not just a hunch you're having here. Not too long ago there was a study conducted amongst divorce lawyers in the US and the most remarkable outcome of that study was that according to divorce lawyers arguments about Facebook has been at the root of 30% of divorce cases last year. You'd think though that that should tell us something, but it's possible that people simply moved the stupid sh*t they did and said in real life to Facebook. Exactly. Divorce rates didn't rise by 30% last year. But Facebook was the cause of 30% of divorces. This means that instead of one spouse catching the other red-handed, he or she caught them on facebook. The divorce would have happened either way. In my relationship, we use almost every type of media available. We text throughout the day, we email, we talk on the phone, if we are both on facebook at work we will use the chat. Whatever is convenient. And no, I don't over think it. When we have stuff to talk about, we talk about it with whatever media is convenient at the time. There's no over analyzing anything. But then again, we have been dating for 2 years and are secure. In a new relationship, it may be different. But I will admit that I am used to instant gratification when it comes to all forms of media. I am used to having constant contact with him throughout the day. I am used to nearly instant replies, to being able to ask about each other's day as the day is progressing, etc. It's not a bad thing unless one over thinks it or over analyzes everything. But that won't happen if you're confident in your relationship.
andrew-bkk Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 we wake up and either send a text "Good morning!" or hope there is a similar message waiting for us. If we let it, I really believe that these things can become dangerous if we put too much stock in them i.e. "He/she didn't text me back, does that mean something?" Really good post, dude. So if she/he texts us or messages us, do we............ 1. see genuine meaning in it? 2. ignore it; play it cool; and run the risk of her/him taking possible offense? 3. reply and run the risk of being perceived as a saddo who spends 12 hours a day on dating sites and Facebook.
GooseChaser Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Bwaaahahahaha! Wait, I am sorry, I am unclear sometimes. One minute Edit: Going public! Edit 2: Lol, didn't take that long
Author EyeJustDontKnow Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Some great thoughts here! I am on the fence with this having been through some very strange things that were due to either misunderstood text/chat/email, or not responding soon enough, or responding too soon or whatever. And the funny thing is over the past few years I have been conscious about being clear with people (not just dating, either) that it's risky to read into things because inflection and the spirit with which something is said can be utterly lost when it is put down in cold text. Yet it still happens. So I put some of the blame on myself for letting it happen in the first place. What's done is done and I am trying not to dwell on it (aint easy tho!) but I can see specific times where I broke my own ground rules with this silly thing and tried to work something out with quick texts instead of just waiting long enough to get REAL interaction. Hopefully I am learning...I think I am but it still makes me want to kick myself at times. Maybe I need to set up a default draft that says something like: CAUTION: Is the text/email/post you are about to send even remotely important? If so DO NOT SEND and contact the recipient in person at your earliest convenience.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Oh yeah, i think all this technology can really hurt a relationship. Other than those in the military, or LDR's, it can really screw things up. I guess it depends on the person and their moral fiber, but I think it has not helped. I was never a big texter before my last relationship, but that's all my ex ever did. Since ending things with him 8 months ago I have barely texted at all. All of the online dating sites people are on while they are in a relationship, not taking their profiles down, social networks where people are still building relationships with people of the opposite sex while involved with someone. To me it's a little scary when you are involved with someone and they have to continue to build these relationships. To me it tells me that they are either very insincere, disrespectful, and just not committed the way they should be. It also tells me that they are very bored or have nothing constructive to do with their time. Like you, this is not what I grew up with. When I was bored I took a walk, went out to work in my garden, took a ride to the store and poked around, even if I was not going to spend anything, went to visit a friend, or call a friend (growing up the phone was attached to the wall LOL), read a book or magazine, or watched something on tv. People are attaining their self esteem through all this online stuff and it's just not healthy. My ex had HUNDREDS of personals@craigslist email addresses stored in his address book. Just completely sick in my mind. All these sick, perverted websites, craigslist, Adult friend finder, ALT.com, and so many more. And this man, possibly someday, is going to be someone's father. I honestly could not have imagined my father doing something like that!
Author EyeJustDontKnow Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 Consider a hammer. One person can use it to hammer nails thus building something positive with it. Another person can take that hammer and hurt or kill someone or destroy something positive with it. What I have noticed is that the same problems that used to manifest in real life, are manifesting on a greater scale with technology. As examples, when you put technology into an obsessive compulsive's hands whereby their fixation is their partner, instead of their relationship blowing up unknown to the rest of the world, it will blow up for all to see on Facebook, etc. Put technology into the hands of people with Cluster B disorders and something similar happens. Sure. It's the perfect tool for someone with any form of obsessive dysfunction. Not only can they look backwards, with their mentally flawed wiring, they will reinvent the past. These are top notch posts, and touch on exactly what I was posting about in the first place but was not sure how to articulate it. I know myself well enough to realize that I *can* (and have in the past) act exactly the way both of you describe. Makes me curious, is it part of my personality (disorder?) that I allow those things to happen, or would those same types of misinterpretations and assumptions still come about if a face to face or even vocal medium was used? I tend to think they might as part of my defensive nature, but at the same time I really think that for people like me that these things should be either avoided or taken with a much bigger grain of salt. After all, if I am actually talking to somebody and I am not 100% clear on what they are saying, I can just say "What? Can you say that again?" and it's not a big deal. Take the same interaction in text or chat or whatever and it can have a whole 'nother meaning. Both to me personally and even worse, if the other party has the same predispositions. That is what I was getting at originally; from the responses so far I can see that it is not an isolated issue. Here is a classic recipe for misunderstanding : "whatever". How many people here can relate to this; you are trying to work something out over text (stupid I know but I admit I have done it) and somebody says "whatever". In person, it could be a jovial comment that means absolutely nothing more than "Oh that's funny, but whatever you say! Now let us continue the conversation in a civil manner as all is well with the world" In text it can come across as some earth shattering, end of times revelation that if left unchecked can lead to misunderstandings that border on the absurd. I know, I have been on both sides of this. Bizzare. In a way it makes me a bit concerned for the future, since we have entire generations that interact about 99% of the time via anything but face to face. Can't be healthy at all.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 These are top notch posts, and touch on exactly what I was posting about in the first place but was not sure how to articulate it. I know myself well enough to realize that I *can* (and have in the past) act exactly the way both of you describe. Makes me curious, is it part of my personality (disorder?) that I allow those things to happen, or would those same types of misinterpretations and assumptions still come about if a face to face or even vocal medium was used? I tend to think they might as part of my defensive nature, but at the same time I really think that for people like me that these things should be either avoided or taken with a much bigger grain of salt. After all, if I am actually talking to somebody and I am not 100% clear on what they are saying, I can just say "What? Can you say that again?" and it's not a big deal. Take the same interaction in text or chat or whatever and it can have a whole 'nother meaning. Both to me personally and even worse, if the other party has the same predispositions. That is what I was getting at originally; from the responses so far I can see that it is not an isolated issue. Here is a classic recipe for misunderstanding : "whatever". How many people here can relate to this; you are trying to work something out over text (stupid I know but I admit I have done it) and somebody says "whatever". In person, it could be a jovial comment that means absolutely nothing more than "Oh that's funny, but whatever you say! Now let us continue the conversation in a civil manner as all is well with the world" In text it can come across as some earth shattering, end of times revelation that if left unchecked can lead to misunderstandings that border on the absurd. I know, I have been on both sides of this. Bizzare. In a way it makes me a bit concerned for the future, since we have entire generations that interact about 99% of the time via anything but face to face. Can't be healthy at all. LOL, my ex was a pro at the one line emails and texts that just didn't even make any sense to me.
Cee Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 One time I got into a fight with a longtime fwb over IM. He was angry and was using all caps. The interchange was so disturbing to me. I never fight using electronic communication ever. He was so hostile and wouldn't talk on the phone. I ended our relationship right then and there. It was horrible to break up with someone over IM. But I decided that I didn't want to be relational with a person who used IM and not phone/face to face to have deep conversations.
lolo1234 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I think that texting played a big role in the end of my last relationship. It was just way too easy for me to text out an angry message when I was pissed off. Had I not been able to text I would have had to CALL to discuss or wait till I saw him again. But texting was just easier as I could just spew whatever I wanted and not have to hear the other side until I was done. My ex saved all these angry messages and when things between us had gotten bad he actually went over my messages with me one by one. I was ashamed! I knew I had every right to feel what I was feeling but the way I went about expressing my feelings was so out of line. It was a hard lesson to learn. I hope in my next relationship I show more restraint and learn to "surf the urge" as they say.
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