Eve Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 H'mmm.. I like to think that I had a healthy perspective even though the past relationships didn't work out. Same now; I don't like my Husband sometimes but my perspective on what constitutes a healthy relationship is the defining factor. .. and his perspective matches mine. If it didn't, I would not continue and neither would he. This has been achievable because we both understand when the other is in that zone. Overall I would say that it's an ongoing assessment and not a definitive act that guides me. So no, I don't think what I was looking for initially has changed even though those relationships ended. Instead, my ability to carry out what I feel and generate interest in the other person has evolved somewhat. Which kind of ties into my view of my love being a continuous thing that transcends ALL relationships. So, yes, I am healthy and I am in a healthy relationship due to not allowing unhealthy ties to make me unhealthy. Take care, Eve x
Kelemort Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I've been in two relationships. The first was unhealthy and it was when I was 19 - but that relationship taught me a LOT about myself. Namely, I carried a relationship alone and I did it without any support. I learned about a lot of things to AVOID in the future, and I did. However, in my second relationship, I stumbled into NEW problems. My first boyfriend dated me to avoid looking gay, and I'm pretty certain that's all. He was jealous, possessive, insecure, controlling, childish, manipulative...etc., etc., etc. He had a lot of sour points. He was a big liar. In terms of healthiness, ranging from 1 to 10, it was probably a 2 or 3. It wasn't physically abusive, but sometimes verbally abusive. In my present relationship, our healthiness is probably a 6 or a 7. He treats me very well in general, but the first year of our relationship was an absolute mess. To this day I believe he was still in love with his long-distance ex of a year...a full 3 years after she dumped him. He engaged in MANY behaviors that caused jealousy and insecurity, and I am still struggling with those issues. We're about to go to couples' counseling so we can hopefully get MOSTLY past this issue, as it has haunted and hurt me for several months. But this is probably the healthiest relationship I've had. We both have problems, and sometimes major ones, but I think any relationship on a long enough timeline will. If I left this relationship, after the butterflies wore off, I'd probably find myself in a relationship with a cheater or something. Other than that one big issue, everything else is mostly ok. Unfortunately, that issue has caused a lot of resentment and anger on my side, and learning to cope with that is tough. But if anything, I think these unhealthy relationships are a learning tool. The fact is, I've been through it and learned from it and I can see the healthy side because I can recognize the unhealthy. So I can advise someone whose boyfriend is pining over or constantly blabbing about an ex-girlfriend because I have been there and I have experienced the pain. I can offer advice to someone whose boyfriend is so jealous he won't let her leave the house or he calls her 20 times while she's out with her friends because he doesn't trust her - because I've also been there. Because, many times in trying to solve these problems, I researched them and learned a lot about them. Some people do give unhealthy advice because they are still so burnt about their hurts. But I think most of us have been able to reflect on our pasts in a way that is conducive to good health...to share that information to others who are hurting.
Kelemort Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Mostly healthy, two not so healthy relationships which includes my prior marriage to a man with NPD. But the strange thing was that the NPDer treated me very well in our marriage, except for his unknown cheating. My current marriage is the healthiest, bar none. He's an awesome man, a lot like my father who's been my hero all my life. So now I have two heroes and if you include my little man, a tiny hero. Bump's afraid of nothing, full of life, giggles and smiles for everyone. He's so precious and has everyone wrapped around his little finger since he's like this little catalyst for happiness! Sounds like his primary area of focus was sexual narcissism, then. People with NPD can vary widely. My mother has NPD and when I moved out and became an 'outsider,' suddenly she presented her false self to me and was very nice. Prior to that, I was her slave!
threebyfate Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Sounds like his primary area of focus was sexual narcissism, then. People with NPD can vary widely. My mother has NPD and when I moved out and became an 'outsider,' suddenly she presented her false self to me and was very nice. Prior to that, I was her slave!From the sounds of it, you were her primary narcissistic supply. I wasn't his since there wasn't any reliance on him for anything and that was his reason for cheating, that I didn't "need" him in any way. In other words, he didn't have any leverage over me. The crazy thing is that in my opinion, wanting to be with someone due to loving them in their entirety, is the greatest compliment anyone can give. Now with my current husband, I can and do rely on him since he's so strong at core. He too relies on me which is cool. But neither one of us need each other and if this marriage were to go south, the only hardships would be from the emotional aspect. And yet, neither one of us feel insecure with each other. Hella' lot of trust but if you don't trust your partner, how can a relationship work? Y'know?
cerridwen Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 My marriage was VERY healthy. Then I drop kicked it into the atmosphere because I wouldn't allow myself to be happy. Since then, I've had 1 unhealthy and 1 healthy relationship. I'm evolving. Edit: I forgot 2 short-term Rs. Eww. Both unhealthy. CRAP!
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