Sanman Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Recently, I have been reading comments about how unhealthy this forum is and several people have even suggested that other posters should not listen to their advice. So, as the title states, how many people here have been in truly HEALTHY relationships? I'm just curious to know. No judgments of anyone, please. I, for one, have had a couple of healthy relationships and good number of unhealthy relationships. I have certainly learned the difference over the years and plan to pursue more healthy relationships even though the unhealthy ones can be so seductive at times.
Engadget Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I do right now, but it's the first one. We actually communicate, and that's one of the most important things.
tigressA Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I don't think my current relationship is as healthy as it could be (mostly due to my own issues) but it is a good deal healthier than any others I've had, and we're both committed to it and making it the best it can be, so I can say I have greatly improved. Like you, OP, I can see a difference. I have actually contemplated not posting about my own relationship(s) anymore because of the supposed unhealthiness of this place. There are so many different perspectives and they all can make your head spin...others just don't like you for whatever reason and will say whatever they think will push your buttons/make you anxious solely out of spite.
Kinder-Horror Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 The relationship I am in now is healthy - but I have had unhealthy ones. I sort of think you have to have some kind of unhealthy relationship at some point to even know the difference.
oaks Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I've had healthy LTRs. They ended, so obviously got to a point of unhealthiness for different reasons towards the end. Not sure how this helps your survey.
Intricategirl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I sort of think you have to have some kind of unhealthy relationship at some point to even know the difference. Sadly, this is probably true for most people. I have had one, but it was an unexpected one. The rest have not been healthy. That being said, I can point to exact things I'm doing differently and things I've learned that tell me I'm getting better at figuring out the difference between the two. So no, I'm not perfect. But I'm good and getting better.
Stung Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I have had both healthy and unhealthy relationships in the past, starting from a base of mostly unhealthy and progressively moving upwards into the light through a lot of work and introspection. I am currently in a healthy and very serious LTR/marriage of 5+ years. For what it's worth, I am of the opinion that many of the loudest, most vehement posters on this forum are here working out some issues and I would personally only take their advice with a gigantic, like Volkswagen-sized grain of salt. Although of course they do occasionally have some valid points and observations they're often buried in a haze of their own subjective troubles and defense mechanisms. There are several truly kind and wise posters who try to be fair and helpful to everyone, as well. Sometimes I am humbled by their patience.
zengirl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Depends on what you mean by a healthy relationship. Even my healthy ones have, obviously, had some sort of issue --- or else we'd still be together. I would say I've only had one "unhealthy" relationship and the rest were mostly productive in some way.
OliveOyl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Well, my marriage was healthy for about the first ten years. I have absolutely no regrets. But most relationships have a shelf-life, in my opinion. Not acknowledging and honoring the different stages and phases of relationships often leads to years of unhealthiness.
EyesWideOpen Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 My marriage was completely unhealthy. It was a dark time. The relationship I'm in right now I believe is the definition of healthy. It's fantastic, and I hope it stays that way.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I think relationships lie along a spectrum of health. On a scale of 1-10, I'd rank the health of my past relationships between 4 and 9.
Woggle Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I am in a very healthy one right now. My first marriage pretty much became the definition of unhealthy.
Kamille Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 My last two relationships were fairly unhealthy (they were very similar; I consulted a therapist to figure out why I had a pattern). My current one is the healthiest by far. And you know what... My stay on LS, the conversations I had here have probably helped me on the way to a healthier path. That being said, I think we're all just humans, and as such, I don't expect anyone's relationship here should be perfect before I can listen to their advice. I didn't join LS to get expert advice though. I joined because I needed a place to talk. I'd be weary of anyone who approached LS as anything more than a place to have a chat about issues that are on your mind, much like you would have with your best friends in a time of crisis. I don't expect my friends to give expert advice, I want them to be there for me when I need to talk. I don't see why I would expect LS to be any different.
Intricategirl Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I would say I've only had one "unhealthy" relationship and the rest were mostly productive in some way. I would argue that they can be unhealthy AND productive. My unhealthiest relationships were my most productive ones.
hoping2heal Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Recently, I have been reading comments about how unhealthy this forum is and several people have even suggested that other posters should not listen to their advice. So, as the title states, how many people here have been in truly HEALTHY relationships? I'm just curious to know. No judgments of anyone, please. I, for one, have had a couple of healthy relationships and good number of unhealthy relationships. I have certainly learned the difference over the years and plan to pursue more healthy relationships even though the unhealthy ones can be so seductive at times. The only healthy RS I have been in is my current one, it has also been my longest lasting one.
Isolde Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 My last two relationships were fairly unhealthy (they were very similar; I consulted a therapist to figure out why I had a pattern). My current one is the healthiest by far. K, does this go back to what you said before about needing to be able to better tolerate uncertainty/not needing security so much in the beginning of an R?
Cee Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I have had healthy relationships. My current relationship is probably the healthiest. But it's not easy for me. I am learning through the process of loving.
Kamille Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 K, does this go back to what you said before about needing to be able to better tolerate uncertainty/not needing security so much in the beginning of an R? That was a part of it, along with me learning to be more assertive about my needs, way earlier in the relationship. Basically, I used to put more emphasis on making sure my exes were into me before I would even dream of speaking about issues that bothered me. Working on the security part makes it much easier to talk about issues, and therefore, makes it way easier to have a healthy relationship.
Isolde Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 That was a part of it, along with me learning to be more assertive about my needs, way earlier in the relationship. Basically, I used to put more emphasis on making sure my exes were into me before I would even dream of speaking about issues that bothered me. Working on the security part makes it much easier to talk about issues, and therefore, makes it way easier to have a healthy relationship. I have this theory that healthy relationships aren't just about talking about issues but HOW you talk about issues.
Thedude22 Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Zero. But I mean I don't know what healthy even is. I've never had a stable relationship if that's what it means. I like how everybody says their only healthy one is the one their in right now. May be true, who am I to say haha but I do get the notion at least some of you are looking through rose colored glasses.
carhill Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 I think the first part of my M was healthy, before my mom got sick and my exW distanced herself from the whole mess. Ultimately, though, life throws curves so true health is evidenced by how we handle them. Neither she nor I were shining examples. OTOH, I've had some very long lived and healthy friendships, some spanning decades. Those are a different dynamic though, so perhaps not relevant to the thread.
threebyfate Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Mostly healthy, two not so healthy relationships which includes my prior marriage to a man with NPD. But the strange thing was that the NPDer treated me very well in our marriage, except for his unknown cheating. My current marriage is the healthiest, bar none. He's an awesome man, a lot like my father who's been my hero all my life. So now I have two heroes and if you include my little man, a tiny hero. Bump's afraid of nothing, full of life, giggles and smiles for everyone. He's so precious and has everyone wrapped around his little finger since he's like this little catalyst for happiness!
cerridwen Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 My marriage was VERY healthy. Then I drop kicked it into the atmosphere because I wouldn't allow myself to be happy. Since then, I've had 1 unhealthy and 1 healthy relationship. I'm evolving.
andrew-bkk Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Well, my marriage was healthy for about the first ten years. I have absolutely no regrets. But most relationships have a shelf-life, in my opinion. Not acknowledging and honoring the different stages and phases of relationships often leads to years of unhealthiness. Really good post. I too had just over ten years. It ended last August. Like you -- no regrets. I've got a beautiful son and I learned a lot. I don't know if you're a man or a woman, but have a great day wherever you are.
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